soflasurfn Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I am in such a bind, I can't even function. I would appreciate any insight. My on again off again ex of 2 years and I got pregerrs last December. We had only been on again for a week after being broken up for 4 months when that happened. She lived in Oregon and me in Florida. I had been looking at engagement rings before I knew she was pregnant. I wanted to marry her despite our past issues I felt like we were meant to be. So I flew her out when we found out the news and I proposed to her. She said yes, and she moved out here with her kids. (yes she has two kids, I didn't have any yet). She got super sick, puked all day and night (not just morning sickness) and super depressed. She shut me out, stopped saying i love you back, stopped all forms of affection. She's roll over and let me have sex with her occasionally, that's about it. She eventually told me she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me and it "isn't the hormones". Mean while i am doing everything to try to make her happy (at first), taking care of her kids, getting close to them, doing anything a guy can do for a sick pregnant fiance. It got to me after a while, i might have closed off a bit too, distracting myself with games and friends. She eventually said she thought she could recover better back in oregon with friends and family, and didn't expect me to come cause of my work. Hinted that she could come back after or i there, who knows. She left and communication pretty much dried up, she'd respond with texts when i call, more distant and more disconnected then ever before. So I was more then hurt, I became angry and distant myself. I thought maybe it would help at first, but then I got used to it and over her. The whole while she asked if I could just wait for her to be better, I never thought it would truly come and was too put off and hurt to believe it. So I still moved to Oregon, to be there when my child was born. She invited me over to hang out a few times, I declined. I saw her maybe twice in the last month because i was too angry with her. And then I met someone by chance, wasn't actively seeking. She is everything I look for in a mate. Thoughtful, respectful, affectionate, loving, kind, fun. She had just been with some loser for 8 years who couldnt commit and finally left him. I was in bliss. But my baby was born and I was instantly smitten. I started driving over to see her every day and my current GF was and is still very thoughtful to not be overly jealous of the situation. But i could come home to her and be miserable, sad to not be near my daughter. And then my ex flipped like a light switch. I would see her happy, smiling, her depression gone. She was nice to me, thoughtful. She would send me pics of my daughter, ask me how I was, invite me over. This has gone on for 2 months now and just 2 or 3 weeks ago she made it clear she wants me. She apologized, said she was possessed promised to be different. But I have a hard time believing her. See it wasn't just her pregnancy that worries me. WE lived together at one point for a few months and she got some kind of allergy, she did the saame thing in shutting down to me. She was too miserable to show me any affection. We didnt get better. We broke up. She actually remarried some dude she just met, and divorced a few months later. It speaks of her bad decisions and her unpredictability in relationships. But now we text and talk all the time, i find myself checking my phone while im with my GF to see how she is. And then the flip when im with her visiting my daughter. I find myself SUPER confused. I want to be there for my daughter. But I dont know if Mindy just wants me out of necessity, out of animal desire to be with the guy that fathered her kid. I met the woman of my dreams but had a baby with someone who is wanting me back, and I'm afraid I will be miserable either way. I'll be missing my daughter and totally distraught over some other guy being her step dad. Or I'll be wishing I had stayed with the perfect woman (at least perfect 4 months in) if my ex and I go this route again. Plus I'm stuck in Oregon with the new GF and my ex wants to move back to FL with me. I hate it here. I just can't figure out what to do. Be honest with my current and tell her im confused? She'll be totally insecure every time i see my kid w my ex around. Break it off to see how I feel? I'll just get back with my ex. I'm going to see a shrink next but i doubt even he can tell me what to do. Mean while i feel like im running out of time and i just cant function throught the day.
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Truthfully, your daughter's mother sounds unstable. How long can you maintain a romantic relationship under the circumstances? Child living in a household with miserable marriage ultimately suffers. I'm confused about potential relocation to FL. Absent your romantic relationship/marriage would she relocate your daughter? Is she working in a career? How is she supporting three children?
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Your most telling statement: "I wanted to marry her despite our past issues I felt like we were meant to be." On top of: "....the perfect woman (at least perfect 4 months in) "She had just been with some loser for 8 years who couldnt commit and finally left him." Lots of historical factors with both women.
Author soflasurfn Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Truthfully, your daughter's mother sounds unstable. How long can you maintain a romantic relationship under the circumstances? Child living in a household with miserable marriage ultimately suffers. I'm confused about potential relocation to FL. Absent your romantic relationship/marriage would she relocate your daughter? Is she working in a career? How is she supporting three children? No she wouldnt if we weren't together, im sure. She is supporting 2 now, the other is staying with his dad. I'm paying child support and she has a part time job, no career per say.
Balzac Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Making sure I have it straight. Of the two children who are not your's. One lives with biological father, one lives with mother. Is child living with her receiving child support? I am clear that you are paying support for your daughter. Mother has a PT job so somehow provides for 2 children, herself and childcare for the hours she works. That's difficult to do unless she receives substantial child support. Would it be fair to state that your support payments underwrite providing for both children? You don't seem too worried that she is capable of relocation out of state, with your daughter, absent your financial enabling such. Have you secured visitation access to your daughter? My concern, in your shoes, when or if your amicable relationship w her comes into rough waters, access to your daughter may be difficult. It seems clear this woman needs financial support thus may be shopping for a man. Perhaps she has a wealthy family or a trust fund? Often the case. At any rate, a new man enters the scene, your daughter is vulnerable. Do you understand that?
Author soflasurfn Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Making sure I have it straight. Of the two children who are not your's. One lives with biological father, one lives with mother. Is child living with her receiving child support? I am clear that you are paying support for your daughter. Mother has a PT job so somehow provides for 2 children, herself and childcare for the hours she works. That's difficult to do unless she receives substantial child support. Would it be fair to state that your support payments underwrite providing for both children? You don't seem too worried that she is capable of relocation out of state, with your daughter, absent your financial enabling such. Have you secured visitation access to your daughter? My concern, in your shoes, when or if your amicable relationship w her comes into rough waters, access to your daughter may be difficult. It seems clear this woman needs financial support thus may be shopping for a man. Perhaps she has a wealthy family or a trust fund? Often the case. At any rate, a new man enters the scene, your daughter is vulnerable. Do you understand that? She is living pretty bare bones, im sure what i am paying is helping support her other kid too. In our state I can block her from leaving with my child, she would have to give up custody. But before I decide to go down this road I was trying to decide whether or not to give it another try. A new man entering the scene definitley worries me. I just don't know if her hormones could make her THAT bad during the pregnancy or if it is part of an underlying psychological issue that is bound to come back. Got an appointment with a shrink Monday. Dunno what he'll be able to do but worth a shot. Thanks for your input.
venusianx13 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Understandably so, you feel a strong connection to the mother of your child. And you'd give anything to be with your daughter, who you will always love more than anyone else in this world. However, given the scenarios of the past with your ex, and since it had happened more than once, you already know it's highly likely to happen again. Not only does she sound unstable, she sounds bi-polar. You can have a fantastic relationship with your daughter, and a friendly/working relationship/coparenting relationship with your ex. I would advise you to go to court, if you haven't already, to state the terms of your custodial arrangement. This way, your ex cannot leave the state with your child. As for your new girlfriend, if you truly love her, you will find a way to make this situation work. That said, though, if true love were present, you wouldn't consider leaving her. Make your daughter your priority through all of this. Sometimes parents do a better job of being parents when they are not together anymore. It's tricky - but it's better than being miserable and dysfunctional, whilst trying to raise a child. And it sounds to me as if it's likely you may end up in precisely that situation if you go back to your baby's mother.
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