HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 how many of you who were involved in a relationship with a MM has been able to remain friends after it ended?? i really would like to know..
ilovedhim Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Why would you want to be friends with a lying cheat?
jennifernyc84 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 My ex MM and i were friends for 17 years before we started our affair. I'm not going to lie..it changed everything! Our affair only ended a few days ago, but i can't imagine going back to "just friends", as badly as that hurts me, i just can't see it happening.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I think it's absolutely impossible to be 'friends' with someone that you're still in love with, affair or no affair. But, in your situation, the A ending is so fresh, so it's probably not in your best interest to hang onto him and hope for friendship. All it will become is an EA (emotional affair) and keep you into him, when you're supposed to be grieving the loss and getting over him. It'll prevent you from ever letting go and finding someone else to steal your heart. 2
Artie Lang Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 ^totally agree with this. it'll NEVER be the same for any of you, including his oblivious wife. 1
MissBee Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) You can't be friends with someone you have a romantic interest in, you just can't. I get the feeling you are desperate to hang on to anything you can. Desperation never comes from a good place. Yepp...in that denial and bargaining stage of breakups almost everyone thinks they can just hold on to the "friendship" without the romance and it will be fine...they just need this person around and can't fathom them not being there in any capacity, so friends is the next best thing right? Welll....most learn the hard way, that it's not a true friendship and it usually doesn't work and you still are emotionally attached and involved and it's usually a disaster. I think you can only be "friends" very loosely (as in not bffs but maybe you talk once in a while) after MUCH time has passed and your feelings are no longer there. But while you are still emotionally attached, even a casual friendship will be too much. And certainly within the first year at least of a break up, muchless weeks/months, it will be a futile venture that is governed by the fact that you can't let go and not because you're actually good friends. Yes when you date you also have a friendship, but that is not the same as a platonic friendship and the "dating friendship" cannot just switch now to platonic friends. After lots of time passing and you moving on, maybe. And if you used to be platonic friends then had a romantic relationship, that also unfortunately changes the friendship for most people and it can't just go back to how things were. With an A it becomes even more questionable...as if this person wants to work on their M, then having you around as a "friend" would be rather disingenuous. Edited November 9, 2012 by MissBee
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Is there no one at all that thinks its possible????????
Summer Breeze Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Is there no one at all that thinks its possible???????? Do YOU think it's possible? I've been reading your posts and you seem to want it so badly that you're looking for permission from one of us. If you think it's possible then do it. I don't think it'll work for you but it's clear you're not ready to let go. What are you holding onto at thie point heart? Are you holding onto the R, the man, or the habit? Maybe you don't want to feel alone and somehow having some of him is better than having none of someone else. You come across as an intelligent woman and I would love to be sitting over a coffee talking about all of this with you. You're hurting and I get it. I had an MM who never lied to me. He was never going to leave home. I knew we weren't going to have a future. It was fine till it wasn't and at that point I knew it had to end. We couldn't be friends because I would always want more. It didn't even matter what he wanted then. Just me. Can you be his friend? Can you talk to him about his kids and his W? If you sat down over a beer what would you talk about? No one is trying to be difficult here, only honest with you. 2
Decisiontomake Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Is there no one at all that thinks its possible???????? I don't think you think it's possible either, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question on here. I get it totally though - the thought of not having any connection at all when a relationship ends is the hardest part of it. I'm sorry you're feeling as you are but in order to protect yourself, I would say "friends" is just not going to cut it. 2
TexasCountryGirl Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 So you are the OW and although the A is over, you want to remain friends? sorry I know it's not really a "funny thing" but I did actually giggle when I read it~~~ You clearly were NOT able to keep things at an appropriate "friendship" level prior to this ... (evident of the affair) .. so what exactly leads you to believe that you can maintain any sort of appropriate friendship now? I am not blaming just you for the A, clearly it takes two to tango /... but you have to acknowledge that neither of you respected the boundaries of his marriage before .. what in the world leads you to think you can do it this time around?
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Is there no one at all that thinks its possible???????? Go ahead and try it then. You will see that you'll just stay emotionally attached to him and still be having an affair, just minus the sex. He will still be on your mind as much as he is now and has been for the past many years. It'll prevent you from going on with your life.
jennifernyc84 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Go ahead and try it then. You will see that you'll just stay emotionally attached to him and still be having an affair, just minus the sex. He will still be on your mind as much as he is now and has been for the past many years. It'll prevent you from going on with your life. Exactly! The more you keep him around, the more your feelings will continue to grow. As long as he's in your life, whether as a friend, lover, fwb, pen pal...whatever, your feelings won't let go.
ThatJustHappened Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Is there no one at all that thinks its possible???????? Nope. Drop it and walk away. I confess, I don't know your whole story..but if either you or your AP are still married, trying to remain friends with your AP is cruel and unfair to the BS's. You'd be making a mockery of your marriage, and your AP's marriage. Even if the BS's don't know what happened, it's still like you're rubbing it in their faces. Plus the temptation would be far too great for you and your AP. Just a bad idea all around.
smokey bear Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 It is possible, I am still friends with my xmm, just as close now as we were before. We both understand we tried it and it didnt work and was a mistake. We still love each other and hang out sometimes but its just the love we had before. When you love someone unconditionally you still love them the same romantically involved or not, you just turn off the attraction switch or just accept your still going to be attracted to them because you were before and always. You just know in your head that its over and things are better as friends. There does need to be a spell of nc though to get rid of feelings.
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 It is possible, I am still friends with my xmm, just as close now as we were before. We both understand we tried it and it didnt work and was a mistake. We still love each other and hang out sometimes but its just the love we had before. When you love someone unconditionally you still love them the same romantically involved or not, you just turn off the attraction switch or just accept your still going to be attracted to them because you were before and always. You just know in your head that its over and things are better as friends. There does need to be a spell of nc though to get rid of feelings. Does his wife know about you and the friendship? My guess is no. Are you invited to their house, involved in their life? Go to parties, or go for dinner with them as a couple? My guess is no..Again. Also, you are in total denial. Sorry but no man will be allowed in your heart because of what you feel for him. I agree with LFH, you're fooling yourself yet can't see that because you're in too deep. 1
MissBee Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 I think it's possible for some relationships to end, and people to remain "friendly" with one another, but they aren't really friends any longer. You can still wish only great things for them and hope their life is filled with all things wonderful, and wish them the best... but you can't hang out and have it be the same. Something has been irrevocablly changed. If you can be JUST friends with someone you were involved wtih, you either never loved them, or you're fooling yourself. Yea I think being friendly and being friends aren't the same things.
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Yea I think being friendly and being friends aren't the same things. Totally agree. Being friends with someone and being friendly are two different things.
canuckprincess Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Is there no one at all that thinks its possible???????? I know first hand it is more then possible, but you have to set up some boundries. Just like some divorced couples can be friends over time, but not till the dust settles
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 It is possible, I am still friends with my xmm, just as close now as we were before. We both understand we tried it and it didnt work and was a mistake. We still love each other and hang out sometimes but its just the love we had before. When you love someone unconditionally you still love them the same romantically involved or not, you just turn off the attraction switch or just accept your still going to be attracted to them because you were before and always. You just know in your head that its over and things are better as friends. There does need to be a spell of nc though to get rid of feelings. can i ask if you have anyone else in your life?
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Does his wife know about you and the friendship? My guess is no. Are you invited to their house, involved in their life? Go to parties, or go for dinner with them as a couple? My guess is no..Again. Also, you are in total denial. Sorry but no man will be allowed in your heart because of what you feel for him. I agree with LFH, you're fooling yourself yet can't see that because you're in too deep. his wife knows we are friends, and that we are close, she doesn't like it, but no i am not invited to their house anymore.
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 he said one day when i've moved on and i have a new BF then he would love to invite me and him over (and he has in the past)
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 his wife knows we are friends, and that we are close, she doesn't like it, but no i am not invited to their house anymore. Rightfully so. She ain't stupid and she doesn't want you in their house. Sorry to be blunt. he said one day when i've moved on and i have a new BF then he would love to invite me and him over (and he has in the past) Would you tell your current guy that the people who's house you're going to is your exMM, that you had an affair with him? To me, doing that is just making a fool of your (future)bf and exMM's wife. False pretenses, pretending and hiding that lie - ex affair partners. The friendship would be selfish and self serving too, and yes, still would feed your feelings for him, even if you had a boyfriend. 1
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Rightfully so. She ain't stupid and she doesn't want you in their house. Sorry to be blunt. Would you tell your current guy that the people who's house you're going to is your exMM, that you had an affair with him? To me, doing that is just making a fool of your (future)bf and exMM's wife. False pretenses, pretending and hiding that lie - ex affair partners. The friendship would be selfish and self serving too, and yes, still would feed your feelings for him, even if you had a boyfriend. I don't have a current guy, and one of the reasons is because I can't I don't know how to pull away I guess. One of the reasons why I was thinking about blowing it was because maybe this would make me actually realize that we CANT be friends anymore, and it would make him hate me and vice versa. Because right now I don't know how else to do it.
jennifernyc84 Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 [/b] I don't have a current guy, and one of the reasons is because I can't I don't know how to pull away I guess. One of the reasons why I was thinking about blowing it was because maybe this would make me actually realize that we CANT be friends anymore, and it would make him hate me and vice versa. Because right now I don't know how else to do it. Why create animosity between you guys? Wouldn't you want his thoughts of you to be nice ones, instead of mean, angry ones? You guys had a really long history, why would you want him to hate you?
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Why create animosity between you guys? Wouldn't you want his thoughts of you to be nice ones, instead of mean, angry ones? You guys had a really long history, why would you want him to hate you? Cuz we had a great run.... but now I don't know how to move on. Every time I see him it hurts everytime I hear from him it hurts cuz i do love him...sometimes I think it would be easier if we hated each other, then there would be no guise of friends no misconceptions once he tells me to fck off
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