Newish relationship with divorced man with teenaged kids

[oldschool1]

And also, I have not been pushing for anything longterm in our relationship. Of course my bf knows that I am interested in marriage and possibly kids longterm, but it's not as if I have said that I want these things with HIM. I was discussing possibly buying a home by myself, so that certainly doesn't suggest that I am intending to move in with him. The only thing I have pushed for is seeing each other a lot (which he wants to do too). If there is something going on with his children that keeps us from being together, I never question that decision. The thing I want is to make sure that I am not wasting my time. Of course, relationships can end, and it is a risk we always take.

[Quiet Storm]

After coming out of a long and unfulfulling marriage, I suspect that he is enjoying the companionship & sex that you provide him.

 

If you are ready for a long term commitment or marriage, he may not be the man for you.

 

Many men will not be totally honest about their intentions because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, and he doesn't want you to stop meeting his needs for sex and companionship.

 

I would accept that he may not be in the position or mindset to bring the relationship to the next level. If you can live with that, then continue. If you want more, then end it.

 

Don't try to change him, push him or control him in any way. Accept him for who he is, accept his circumstances for what they are, accept that what you are getting right now is what he has to offer you. If it evolves into more, great. If it doesn't progress, then move on when you've had enough.

 

If you are the kind of person that likes to set the pace in a relationship, or you need a lot of attention or reassurance, a father in the middle of a divorce may not compatible with you. It wouldn't be smart to make him a huge part of your life, if he only views you as an added bonus to his already full & busy life. Be sure to keep your life full with activities and friends, to avoid a lopsided relationship.

[Cutiepie1976]

I also think my bf has moved awfully fast with a serious relationship when he wasn't really in a position to follow through. He said he hadn't expected to fall in love so soon but that love was absolutely the thing he wanted and had been missing all these years. I have certainly expressed my concern over his falling so fast---did he just WANT to fall in love? And was I the first attractive person he met? I don't think that's the case, but I did tell him this concern.

 

 

My contradiction stems from the fear of being made a fool---being told that he loves me (which he does quite a bit) and then being dissed later on. Or even worse--being together a really long time without any commitment to be dissed later. I am 36 and do not want to be single when I am older. Right now I can attract great men, but...

 

Well, there are quite a few red flags flapping over your situation. Other posters have tried to point some of these out, but you're dismissive. Maybe you aren't ready to listen?

 

At any rate, please make sure he has actually filed for divorce. Court filings are public record. Check for yourself. Have you met a single friend of his? A sibling? Anyone? Do you go out in public routinely as a couple? On dates outside your homes, where his and his wife's friends might see you? Grocery shopping together? Whatever? From your posts, you seem awfully hidden from view to everyone in his personal life. You're very fixated on his kids. Are they just a smokescreen to hide the real issues and reasons for your arrangement and the secrecy?

 

Second, assuming he is interested in ending his 25-year marriage, his behavior, namely falling hard and fast for the first person he dates is typical. This will be hard to hear, but it's not about you. It's about a role you fill. You're a Band-aid for the new void in his life. It's temporary while he heals. Spectacular and amazing as you no doubt are, any reasonably decent woman would likely work at the moment. Divorce, no matter how amicable, will be a roller coaster of emotions and confusion for him. You will help him transition to single life, and when he's ready, he will then move on...often very abruptly (from your perspective). Like it or not, you'll be the rebound. The relationship will be on his terms, at his pace, as he works his way through the separation and divorce process. Ultimately, you will be part of his divorce history, something that most people want to leave firmly behind once they heal and move on with their lives. Please bear these things in mind, rather than deciding blindly based on your feelings for him and the intensity of the connection you feel. He's genuine in his feelings too. But it's a phase. He will move on.

 

Only you know what you seek in a relationship. If you're OK with temporary and a roller coaster of confusing, hot-cold behavior down the road, then proceed. If you're looking for a stable relationship with the potential to go the distance, I personally would look for a different type of boyfriend. Every minute spent with him would distract from your ability to recognize and develop an attraction to a better, more appropriate partner in that case. It would be time wasted if you want something longer term, something substantial.

 

The thing I want is to make sure that I am not wasting my time.

 

You've gotten fairly consistent feedback, and have discounted much of it. You want what you want, despite all the verbiage about "concerns." At the very least, please be honest with yourself. Ultimately, it's your life, your choices, your consequences...your life experiences.

 

Good luck!

[oldschool1]

Thank you for all of the advice. I understand the risks here, and I know that many men drop the women they're with after their divorces go final. Cutiepie seemed awfully certain that this was indeed what was going to happen, but I assume she doesn't know my boyfriend or every single man going through a divorce. Still, it's a good warning, and I need to hear it.

 

My bf acts very, very committed, so there is a chance that he means it and will follow through. He does not view me as some bonus; he spends a tons of time with me, calls me several times a day, etc... I have never felt like I was a diversion for him.

 

For me, the recognition that he may not be able to run with certain aspects of the relationship is an important one. Right now I am ok with the progress, but I will need to reevaluate this later on. If it's not satisfactory, then I can deal with it then. What's so unusual about this relationship is that I have talked with him about EVERYTHING. My concerns have been voiced (his too!), and this keeps me from feeling resentful. He is so careful to listen to me, pay attention to everything I say, treat me wonderfully, etc... Perhaps it will all end tomorrow, but there hasn't been any "hot and cold" behavior. If anyone has been hot and cold, it has been me; I am friendly but not a warm and fuzzy person 100% of the time. I suppose that I should be careful not to sabotage a great relationship, but nothing I say seems to temper his enthusiasm.

 

I have recently met some of his colleagues, and he mentioned several times that he loves having me meet people, that he's very proud to introduce me, etc... We're still learning a lot about each other, but it's looking good.