The difference of love between the genders

[QdB]

Minds wondering...I think that women love for different reasons than men. Women love the feeling of love. The feeling of a connection that is shared between two ppl. I'm not sure that women love the man but instead maybe they associate that "feeling" with that person and therefore love him. When they mourn the lost of a relationship, they're really mourning the lost of the connection they had with the man. That's why they're always hoping and open to the possibility of meeting someone new...don't know if that make sense...

 

But men I think for the most part love the actual characteristics of the woman. Both physical and personality traits. The connection we desire is not so deep in a mental plane but more of understanding and acceptance. We fall for the woman and all the little things that make her who she is making it so that when we really loved a woman we never truly get over her but instead learn to accept that it's over

 

Don't know if any if that was correct or even made sense but I'd like to know what love is to women. Like what it means and what causes it for them? I'm under that belief that they romanticize and idealize being in love. I could be wrong...that's why I'm asking

[xdahliax]

You're right. Men love for all the right reasons, women love for all the wrong reasons. Only men know the true meaning of love.

 

You're wrong: everyone loves differently. Some people know what love is, some people don't. One cannot say that an entire gender behaves or thinks the same way, concerning love or any other matter.

Edited November 9, 2012 by xdahliax

[MrCastle]

Well this is just opinion and not a provable fact, but in my experience, I think women fall in love with the idea of love. They fall in love to fall in love.

 

I feel men, when they do fall in love, fall more for that individual woman. Whereas I think sometimes, when women breakup, they think to themselves "oh man, I can't wait to fall in love again."

 

I don't think I've seen a woman my age single for more than a month. I know guys who have been single for years. I just think most women need that feeling of being in love. Who provides it is not as important as the actual feeling.

[QdB]

Well this is just opinion and not a provable fact, but in my experience, I think women fall in love with the idea of love. They fall in love to fall in love.

 

I feel men, when they do fall in love, fall more for that individual woman. Whereas I think sometimes, when women breakup, they think to themselves "oh man, I can't wait to fall in love again."

 

I don't think I've seen a woman my age single for more than a month. I know guys who have been single for years. I just think most women need that feeling of being in love. Who provides it is not as important as the actual feeling.

 

My point. They love the feeling of love. Especially young women. It's like I high for them. They love being in love. I think that changes with maturity tho

[crude]

Women seem to involve themselves with men for a purpose. She doesn't want to be the only one in school without a boyfriend, so she gets one. She doesn't want to be the only one in her circle of friends to be single, so she gets married. She sees other women driving cars and living in houses that their husband paid for. Why should she live in a bachelor apartment and take a bus, so she gets married. She's dreamed of a fancy wedding, but she needs some guy to marry her, so she gets one. Women hardly ever are truly in love. Not really.

[oSapphire]

Love is different for both men and women. You maybe speaking from the view of yourself or your fellow male peers and it's wonderful you and or your male peers experience love in such a way.

 

Depending on experiences in life with family, friends and relationships, love can be different for anyone and sadly, if someone has the wrong idea of what love is from the start and grew up thinking that idea is right then it becomes unchangeable even in mature ages. Same can happen with someone that is capable of loving another with all their heart; then a bad break up spirals their feelings down the drain into despair; thus ending up rethinking love, and ever loving another again. So you can't say women only think this and men only think that because it's simply not the case.

 

In adolescence, sure, love maybe used loosely, but with today's media, it's not odd, unfortunately. It would be nice if children or teenagers are taught what love is and what it means to be in love with someone, but not everyone is fortunate enough to be taught this or even witness a good example of real love. So if you find someone who does not completely understand what love is, do not judge an entire gender based on that individual, because the world is filled with many other people who go through experiences that shape them into their own person with their own views on love and among many other things.

[bac]

The difference of love between genders. IMO love is the same for both genders.

 

I do not think that every man is capable of love. Love and sex are different things.

Also, sex is the highest value for males and love is the highest value for females.

Most men are looking for sex and most females are looking for love.

Love is a beautiful feeling. Sex without feelings is totally disgusting for most women. Women do not associate the feeling of love with the clitorial erection.

Sex without love is totally great for most men. Men do associate the feeling of love with the penile erection.

[Prometheus Pyrphoros]

Hello and good morning. How are things today?

 

XX is, in principle, incapable of love towards the man. What she describes as love is a feeling of "high" she enjoys being with a man (any man that fits the criteria). The man himself is irrelevant.

 

Men and women experience love differently.

 

A woman can only love her offspring, not the partner. Not in the way the man loves her.

[serial muse]

Hello and good morning. How are things today?

 

XX is, in principle, incapable of love towards the man. What she describes as love is a feeling of "high" she enjoys being with a man (any man that fits the criteria). The man himself is irrelevant.

 

Men and women experience love differently.

 

A woman can only love her offspring, not the partner. Not in the way the man loves her.

 

Fascinating. How does this work for XXY?

[VodkaShots]

I think women are more inclined to actively seek out love and attachment, consciously or subconsciously, whereas men don't and in some ways tend to avoid it and just have purely sex-based relationships instead. But when men fall in love with a woman, they really do and they have a complicated attachment which goes beyond just sex, and if that girl betrays that love, it seems as if they take it so much harder.. some actually go under a complete personality transformation and become negative and cynical after being burned, especially if it happens during their younger years.

 

I'm not sure if this means anything either, but a relative of mine is has been a police officer for 20 or so years, and he said that it's a fairly common thing when attending the suicide or threatened/attempted suicide, it's often a man (of any age) who has been recently left by his girlfriend or wife. The opposite is rare. Although that maybe because suicide rates are generally a lot higher in the male population and women tend to utilise their support networks when they need to talk about their feelings, but it's interesting nonetheless.

[Taramere]

Most people probably regard themselves as exceptional in terms of being authentic, noble and having the capacity to love deeply. Men who believe that their gender renders them more exceptional than women, in that respect, are just engaging - as a group - in the kind of "I'm a better person than you" posturing that they probably do as individuals too.

 

If they're winning as in "the woman has feelings for me, but I don't have feelings for her", they feel better because they feel powerful. If they're losing "I love her, but she doesn't love me back" then they'll convince themselves that they're better in terms of being more loving, authentic, deep and sincere.

 

It's competitiveness...and it's something both men and women get involved in. Competing to be better than the opposite sex (in whatever way "better" is to be defined for the purposes of competing). Competing to be better than the next man or woman, better than the next country...or, if we ever get invaded by the inhabitants of another planet, competing to be better than the next intelligent form of life.

 

Competing to feel "better" whether you're winning or losing by other people's standards.

 

I suspect that if a man is posting about men being deep, more capable than women of genuine love etc etc, then the backstory most likely involves rejection of some sort by a female. Give the same man an opportunity to reject a woman he's not interested in, and he'll likely sing a different sort of tune.

Edited November 10, 2012 by Taramere

[somedude81]

From what I've seen, men fall in love first and before anything sexual happens. The man focuses on the woman and she dominates his thoughts.

 

Women almost seem to need sex to happen for that switch to be flipped.

 

That's obviously not how it works for men. Men don't fall in love after sex.

[iris219]

 

I feel men, when they do fall in love, fall more for that individual woman. Whereas I think sometimes, when women breakup, they think to themselves "oh man, I can't wait to fall in love again."

 

I was so in love with my ex that I couldn't imagine being with anyone else after we broke up. I didn't want to love anyone else. I just wanted him. I couldn't even go on dates because all I thought about was him. The thought of loving (or even liking) another man made me feel physically ill.

 

So, basically, I completely disagree with the above.

[mesmerized]

Men most often fall in love with beauty and shallow things. They *think* its love but in reality it's just her pretty face that got them smitten. Women can be the same but personality traits and sometimes like some posters said "the idea of love" has a bigger role in it.

[somedude81]

Men most often fall in love with beauty and shallow things. They *think* its love but in reality it's just her pretty face that got them smitten.

And you know this because....?

[mesmerized]

And you know this because....?

 

Because I'm smart and observant. Ever wondered why the prettier/hotter a woman is, the more likely men fall in "love" with her? It's just the way it is.

[somedude81]

Because I'm smart and observant. Ever wondered why the prettier/hotter a woman is, the more likely men fall in "love" with her? It's just the way it is.

Because pretty women have nothing else going for them?

[mesmerized]

Because pretty women have nothing else going for them?

 

They might have a lot going for them. But the correlation between love and looks seems to be much stronger than the one between love and any other attribute women might have.

[QdB]

Most people probably regard themselves as exceptional in terms of being authentic, noble and having the capacity to love deeply. Men who believe that their gender renders them more exceptional than women, in that respect, are just engaging - as a group - in the kind of "I'm a better person than you" posturing that they probably do as individuals too.

 

If they're winning as in "the woman has feelings for me, but I don't have feelings for her", they feel better because they feel powerful. If they're losing "I love her, but she doesn't love me back" then they'll convince themselves that they're better in terms of being more loving, authentic, deep and sincere.

 

It's competitiveness...and it's something both men and women get involved in. Competing to be better than the opposite sex (in whatever way "better" is to be defined for the purposes of competing). Competing to be better than the next man or woman, better than the next country...or, if we ever get invaded by the inhabitants of another planet, competing to be better than the next intelligent form of life.

 

Competing to feel "better" whether you're winning or losing by other people's standards.

 

I suspect that if a man is posting about men being deep, more capable than women of genuine love etc etc, then the backstory most likely involves rejection of some sort by a female. Give the same man an opportunity to reject a woman he's not interested in, and he'll likely sing a different sort of tune.

 

From all the response to my post I'm still under the notion that my idea is pretty accurate. Women love the feeling of love and romance and attach those feelings to the man but not the actual man himself. Men just plain old loves the woman. Looks, smile, corks, etc. not saying one love is superior to the other. Men and women are built different and operate different so it's natural for love to be different in the genders. I'm honestly trying to get a better understanding of what drives the notion of love for a woman. Like what is it to her? Men are in no way superior to women. That was not my purpose of posting. I apologize if u took it that way

[QdB]

To better explain why I post this thread...my ex (first love) left me because...her exact words...I'm the same person I was at the beginning. She said her ideas about what she wants in a relationship changed and she no longer loves me. Never fought, plenty of laughs, passionate sex, and genuine friendship is what we had...or at least what I thought we had. Then she simply said that she changed her mind and that there was nothing wrong with me. So it leads me to believe that she never was in love with me but loved the idea of our romance. And she left because her idea of what a relationship is suppose to be changed...or maybe she just got bored with me and her "high" was gone. But a long relationship (4 years) is more often than not goin to be predictable. U can have moments of spontaneousness but both individuals will still be themselves in the end so of course when you're use to someone it's predictable...I've gotten closure from her already. I'm posted this thread for clarity. Help me understand

[Taramere]

To better explain why I post this thread...my ex (first love) left me because...her exact words...I'm the same person I was at the beginning. She said her ideas about what she wants in a relationship changed and she no longer loves me. Never fought, plenty of laughs, passionate sex, and genuine friendship is what we had...or at least what I thought we had. Then she simply said that she changed her mind and that there was nothing wrong with me. So it leads me to believe that she never was in love with me but loved the idea of our romance. And she left because her idea of what a relationship is suppose to be changed...or maybe she just got bored with me and her "high" was gone. But a long relationship (4 years) is more often than not goin to be predictable. U can have moments of spontaneousness but both individuals will still be themselves in the end so of course when you're use to someone it's predictable...I've gotten closure from her already. I'm posted this thread for clarity. Help me understand

 

I'll try help you understand one thing. Plenty of women have had the same experience with men that you had with your ex. One common thread isn't gender. It's more likely to be "the person who got bored with the relationship cheated/met somebody else they preferred."

 

It's not a good feeling to be that person who got cheated on/left. The most common explanation, when somebody gets bored with you and leaves you (whether for another person, or for another life) is that they're unstable and narcissistic. That they crave the feeling of being loved, but don't really know how to love. If you do a search on narcissism, on this site, you'll see that lots of people have been left, at the end of a relationship, wondering if their ex was a narcissist.

 

The main difference you'll find between the genders - and this is pretty consistent across this board - is that the female focus will tend to be on the men who burned them. Analysing traits and behaviour that they feel should have been red flags. The analysis can be very tedious and negative for others to read on a message board, or hear in real life, and has often resulted, on this board, in endless threads of the "women prefer bad boys" (women make bad choices) variety. However in amongst all the criticism of their exes, those women are learning things about themselves and about human nature in general. Taking responsibility for their part in having a relationship with somebody who wasn't a good relationship bet (and yes, often they've had those relationships with the person for as long, or longer, than your relationship lasted with your ex).

 

If you switch the fault away from a specific individual who got bored and walked away from what seemed like a good relationship, and place it on an entire gender, then you take responsibility away from the person who got burned. The question of whether that person made the wrong choice (in partners), what they can learn from it for future reference and whether there are changes they could/should make to their outlook on life isn't examined. They're let off the hook with the explanation that "women are all shallow, narcissistic and focused only on whether they are loved rather than on the business of loving." Which is basically what you're suggesting with this thread, though not so bluntly or provocatively.

 

You say your ex had a problem with you never changing as a person. That could be a good thing in that you're very stable in your personality. However, I think it's also worth considering whether stability is inclined to spill over into stagnation - which can happen in scenarios where people fear change (and most people do to an extent). I'm saying that specifically because of the way you've elected to examine this scenario.

 

You've settled for an explanation "women don't really love men" that is easy on you, suits you and saves you from the business of considering whether there are any changes you could make to yourself for the better. Not because there's anything badly wrong with you, but because as human beings - higher animals - part of what we strive for is evolution, self awareness - and (for all we often laugh at the notion as a bit naff) self improvement.

 

If you don't like the idea of evolving in those ways, then that's fine. You will find plenty of women out there who don't like that idea either. However, you might have to accept other less appealing things that often go along with the lack of desire/motivation to change or improve the self.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Taramere

[dasein]

IMO "love" is a choice, an active verb, that remains once the infatuation period is over. It isn't any kind of feeling, but an action. I don't like the phrases "fall in love" or "fall out of love," because they suggest that love is some mysterious, involuntary thing. The measure of love, in all people, is the willingness to stick around when things get -bad-, really bad, unpleasant, unattractive, broke, crippled, to the death bed. Anyone can frolic around "in love" when the butterflies are there and the good times roll. It's when you make an active decision, "I'm with them no matter what." That's love to me. No difference between men and women in that capacity, and it's unfortunately very very rare today.

 

EDIT: just read OP's later post. No, she never did truly love you.

Edited November 11, 2012 by dasein

[sweetkiwi]

i am a woman and can only speak about my own personal experiences regarding love. With my first and only true love i loved everything about him. What he stood for, what he was passionate about, his dimples,

making him laugh, hours together just being ourselves. It was like coming home to a place where i was accepted and where i truely accepted and wanted to know my partner. This was before sex.

 

I knew he loved me by every action, every look, every word.

There was never any doubt of him being with me for sex or my looks or anything so superficial. We loved eachother as completely as i have ever seen. Until three years later he saw me changing, wanting to go out with my girlfriends more, have a life outside of him, and he became violent. He would punch holes in walls over nothing. Our arguments would get more and more heated and i became scared for my safety.

 

So i left. And i have regretted that choice for six years. I still love him. He has shaped the way i see love completely. And i know he still loves me.

There's no way to experience something like we did and not be forever changed.

 

But i believe there are many forms of love. And that i got very lucky, or maybe unlucky, to have experienced such a potent kind in the beginning of my adult life. If you asked me i would tell you i love my current man. I love how he is kind and gentle and strong and shy and intelligent and can cook and loves his family and is artistic, creative. But he cannot say he loves me. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't. When i asked him what he likes about me he just says he likes me. Nothing specific.

 

It is not for me to judge how he loves, only if i love him enough to stick by him, for who he is. Not what i want him to be.

 

Love is based on the individual and the experience. Its incorrect to say its completely this way for one gender, or even one human. My grandparents have been married for 53 years and they will both say

they love eachother but don't like eachother. Its not a joke either. They have stuck by eachother through an affair which produced an illegitimate child, the deaths of two children, cancer scares, everything. But they don't like eachother.

 

Thats not a love i want. I want to be actively in love. I want to love everything, even the negative, about my partner. If i think the relationship is not what i want or the other person is not actively trying to make the relationship grow, i will end it. Because i love myself more than that. More than throwing myself into a hopeless situation.

[Taramere]

My grandparents have been married for 53 years and they will both say

they love eachother but don't like eachother. Its not a joke either. They have stuck by eachother through an affair which produced an illegitimate child, the deaths of two children, cancer scares, everything. But they don't like eachother.

 

My maternal grandmother used to forever complain about my grandfather...but after he died, he was elevated into this perfect being. I think my parents have a more realistic relationship. They are often the butt of eachother's jokes, and that could be perceived as a lack of respect..but they like and love eachother and really, I think the humour at eachothers expense is just a coping mechanism people often use to not only manage but to actively enjoy their partner's flaws.

 

The longest and most meaningful relationship I was in was one in which I suppose I tried to recreate my parents' dynamic. I would use humour to laugh off a lot of what, with hindsight, perhaps shouldn't have been laughed off quite so readily. When we were splitting up, something in me asked "were your parents happy together?" (his father had died before we met, so I never actually met his parents as a couple). He said, in a horrified voice, "No!" I realised there was this hugely important thing I didn't know,about a guy I'd thought I was so thoroughly involved with. I knew his parents had had problems...but I didn't realise it was such a miserable marriage he'd grown up seeing. The closer I became to being "family" the more I unwittingly threatened to wipe out all his potential for a happy future. Things had only worked between us for as long as they did because some instinct in me had realised that I had to try very very hard to make things perfect and prevent any sort of disharmony. To remain good humoured and tolerant, no matter what....just as I'd seen my mother do, for so many years.

 

In her case it had worked out, because she was with a man who knew he could be difficult, who thoroughly appreciated her tolerance and rewarded it with loyalty and increased efforts to be more tolerant himself. I wasn't with a man like that. If I'd tried less hard to make the relationship harmonious at all times, I'd have found out the truth sooner. I can't help picking up on the OP's comments that they never argued. That the relationship was always a good one. Sometimes there have to be bad moments in a relationship - moments in which both sides get to behave badly - for the truth of how strong it really is to come out. Perhaps if he'd permitted a bit of disharmony to creep in here and there, he'd have found out that the relationship wasn't as strong as he'd hoped.

 

For me, I only found out when I lost my job, got sick, he cheated and we had this horrible break up. As part of the break up he berated me for basically having gone through a hard time and being unable to keep it to myself. I'd become depressing and boring. I know that, but it was a difficult time. All the previous times I had managed to keep things to myself, and be good humoured and tolerant no matter what, were forgotten. I recall him staring into space and saying in a very cold way "I suppose I'm just a shallow person."

 

What also emerged - and this is the bit that astounded me - was that he believed I loved him effortlessly. He had no idea that although there were certainly times he was very easy to love, there were other times that loving him took a bit of effort. I was amazed by how horrified he was to learn that. I think that's a defining mark of narcissism. Most people realise that there are times they can be hard to love, and are appreciative for the efforts others close to them make. They realise, and they reciprocate in kind by putting effort in when the people they love are being a bit more difficult than usual to love. The more narcissistically inclined individual doesn't. It's horrifying, to them, to learn that loving them should be anything other than something people just can't help doing.

 

Like you, and others, I don't see this as a male/female thing. Some people are, perhaps, predisposed to narcissism which makes them more about "love me. Love me effortlessly and unconditionally, even if I don't really love you back. I'm so charming and loveable, how can you not love me??" Others have had bad models of relationships, growing up and will become impossibly negative and pessimistic the moment things go wrong. Either way, trying to make a relationship work with them can be a losing battle.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Taramere

[QdB]

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate your incite