SeparateUniverse Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Hey people,i'm new here,in need of help and have hope for improvement Also,this is a huge post ahead So for starters i'll put some info about the relationship just to clear things. -we live 250 miles away from each other(separate states),i'm on college and he's currently unemployed,we're both 20 something and we see each other on a monthly basis,so it's a month or two at his place or a month or two at mine,followed up by a month of two of separation.We're actually each other's first loves and all that(yeah i know it sounds teeny)we met on the net and talked for 3 years till i got the courage to tell him i love him and he reciprocated,and later traveled 12 hours to meet me in person. -he's essentially a great person,funny,caring(in a way that if he thinks i'm in a bad mood he will ask to see what's wrong)says he loves me,we have previously planed a future and all.He's a bit of a reserved person,doesn't like going out much,you gotta pull feelings from him.He prefers to stay in and watch shows/play videogames(we're both avid gameplayers,mmorpg s and other types of games),he gets fascinated by something new every week but also likes some routine too. -i'm caring,wanna please my guy and all,a bit lazy sometimes(we both are),a bit insecure,just moved to a huge city,left all my old friends behind,and i'm neither here or there,and i rarely get to go out with someone. We've overall been together for almost 2 years now. He broke up with me somewhere around march telling me that he needs some space,came home and broke up with me officially with excuses like distance,money,that i was being too needy(i moved to a new 1 bedroom apartment with only tv,no internet connection and we were somewhat forced to interact 24/7 so we fought a lot) when we broke up i had a nervous breakdown,lost about 11 pounds and felt and looked terrible.Moved to a new apartment with a male roomate because i couldn't afford paying the rent of the previous myself.So one night he calls me saying he loves me and wants me back,i take him back but set the boundaries straight-if he does this one more time i 'm gone forever,we get back together,the relationship feels fresh like this is the first time we saw each other,ok.we spent few months together,a month apart,and it was going well,few fights,things going more good then bad and so. and now recently we spent a month together,and it was more or less ok,but with some problems now. The thing is,when he gets back home(he got home a few days ago),he always cuts the conversations short/we spend less time together skyping or playing games together or anything,and it all falls down to some formal kind of texting with routine hearts or kisses or something,and now recently if we played online it was with him and his friend,and i don't mind his friends,i met them,they are great,when they come over to him he updates me every 2-3 hours just to see if i'm ok even if i don't say anything,but i don't mind anything about it,the man has rights to own space right?but it all gets a bit too much when the time we are supposed to spend together becomes time he rather spends alone or some group chat,and when we talk alone we just text eachother of how we are today...I mean,i for once like to have a few minutes to an hour to see him and hear him,but he's almost never up for that,we used to talk over skype almost the whole day,and then it suddenly dropped down to 1%.He likes to pull the i need space card a little too much,and now when i hear that,i get absolutely terrified over what's gonna happen and it results in an argument,which he always avoids solving with making up excuses ,so it goes round and round and round. also a few things that happen when we're together -physical contact: I'm not kidding,at the start we used to do it sometimes up to 5 times a day,nowdays i more frequently initiate making love then he does(he actually sometimes rejects it),and his last reason was that if we do it too often it loses it's meaning,and believe me,every time it's a new reason...I don't ask daily,but,come on,if a good looking girl appears naked in front of you asking you to take half an hour off the computer and have intimate relations with her,why would you reject it,or tell her to put clothes on because she's gonna catch a cold!It's like,we have a month together,it could be months and months depending on my financial state to get the money to go there,why would you come here to spend time with me and not spend time with me.It got to the point where he sometimes jokingly complains if i peck him when we're in public or kiss his neck randomly at home. -appereance:i have poor body image,in past i've had 180 lbs that i lost fast and sometimes i get really down by being not satisfied by the way i look(though now i have 120 lbs).I get it that reassuring me constantly annoys him because i otherwise look good but there is times that he himself says that something on me doesn't look good eg. "don't wear short dresses it makes you look slutty","you drew your eyebrows too thick" "don't wear longer dresses because it makes you look old" "why don't you gain some weight" "why do you have pimples on your face they look bad on you",see where i'm going with this ,also when i ask him what does he like on me he rounds it up with "everything" and when i ask what turns him on(so i could sometimes just suprise him) he says he doesn't know,or ,worse,he says nothing.... look guys,i really need some advice,i don't want to end this relationship,i didn't get into it AGAIN to call it quits, but it's obvious that we have some major issues here,and i feel like he is losing interest in me.for now i'm trying to give him as much space as i possibly can,but it gets harder with the fact everyone around me is or as busy as i am or somewhere else,so even if i finish everything i get so isolated sitting in one room the rest of the day...
pteromom Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I don't know about being neglected. It sounds like you have the higher sex drive and need for attention in the relationship. It's pretty normal to go from 5 times a day to every few days. And no, just because there's someone naked around doesn't mean the other person automatically wants sex. It's normal for him to want to go do things with his friends and do his own stuff. So you need to decide whether what he is giving you is enough for you. If not, maybe you just aren't compatible. As far as giving him "space", there are two reasons someone would ask for space in a relationship - 1. He's not into you and is distancing himself from you. 2. He IS into you, but you require a great deal of attention and work. Which is it? 1
Author SeparateUniverse Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Thanks for the response,it helped me clear some things out.This is my first serious relationship and with a person for whom i really care for.I'm aware of my flaws and doing things to change all of them. The friend deal has always been fine with me,i do things with mine when i can catch up with them,no big of a problem,never bothered him for it,sometimes they come at his house for a whole day from like 2 pm to 2 am,sometimes up to 6 am,so he himself hasn't got time to sleep because they can do it every day for 2 weeks(i've been there i know how it looks)so in that time i hear very little of him,and i'm fine with that,but i just felt now that if he's gonna take some time for me that he shouldn't drag in a third party.i don't think he's even aware of it.It puts me in a weird position,one where i can't have more intimate chats with him because we aren't alone and i don't want to force lovey things we sometimes do down his friend's throat.His friends used to be live,off the internet,normal friends with whom you go out and have a good time and all that,me not interrupting or anything.But now they are both on the internet and back at his place,it just creeps me out knowing that we can't get any time alone anymore. The other thing that's bugging me is,it's not just me,whenever i try to give him space he asks for he just gets insecure thinking that I'M losing interest and ends up giving me attention over himself,i mean,i want a stable relationship,i want him happy and stable,not crawling,i want him to literally take his space and use it for his own good,not tell me that i'm not giving it when he runs back. I think we're just both too similar to each other in these things,but i'm yet to find a way to balance it out without provoking a fight over skype (and i'm done with trying to initiate topics,they just turn into a mess which we then both regret)
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