Should I ever bother with this girl again? What would you do in my shoes?

[Darren123]

I'm wondering if I can get some advice and opinions concerning a situation I currently find myself in.

 

I'm in my late 20s. I started casually seeing a girl over a year ago, Sinead, who I've known since I was very young, and she's the same age as me. She has a very young child with a black Muslim man, Michael. Back when we started going out a lot together over a year ago, she told me that he cheated on her when she was pregnant and that they were no longer together. She told me that he was very violent towards her and that he only ever comes to her apartment to pick up or mind their child a few times during the week.

 

In the past year, being involved with her, a lot of events have occurred, some of which I must tell you in order to paint a picture of what's been going on in the background.

 

He has been violent with her on several occasions, at her apartment (he doesn't live there). I would pick her up, many times in the middle of the night, and console her, give her advice and look after her. One night after he bruised her, after throwing her around the apartment, her mother called the police. The police showed up at her apartment and Sinead told them that nothing happened. She then rang me and cursed her mother for "causing trouble" by involving the police. On another occasion after Michael flipped out on her, I accompanied Sinead to the police station where she finally made a statement, but never carried through with getting a barring order or a prosecution. It seems like every month or so there is a big event where Michael goes nuts, but Sinead never does anything about it.

 

Michael threatened Sinead and told her he would take their son out of the country and she'd never see him again (I don't know why) - perhaps because she told him that I might be her son's step father one day and this really pissed him off.

 

I received threatening phone calls from Michael on several occasions where he threatened to slit my throat if I went near his child.

 

What amazes me is that after all of this, she said that she loved the man "in a sick way". She told me that she would never be with him again, and we continued to go out. I was possibly stupid to be involved with her, knowing that she was still allowing this maniac into her apartment, but I have to say: I did like her. We both eventually told each other that we had feelings for each other, and it was looking like something resembling a solid relationship might be on the horizon. She told me that she wanted Michael in her son's life. Both myself and Sinead didn't know our biological fathers, something which really bothers her, and so I can understand her wanting her son to have his father in his life.

 

One night recently, I was out in town with Sinead and afterwards back at her place I finally encountered Michael, who according to Sinead just showed up at 6am. To cut a long story short, he assaulted me. The police were called. I made my statement and Michael made his and the story that he told directly contradicts mine and is a lie from top to bottom. He says that I was there threatening her, that she called him to come over, and when he did, I beat him up. But the thing that bothers me now is that Sinead has cancelled appointments to go to the police to make her statement. She has been going from blaming me for the whole thing, to saying crazy things to me in text messages that make no sense, to accusing me of planning the whole thing, to apologizing, and then back to blaming me again. She has also told me that she might even get back with him. She seems to be very screwed up mentally and emotionally. I have no idea what's really going on behind the scenes here: is she being threatened by him? Are they secretly together, and she's just not telling him that she was out with me? I really don't know.

 

Basically, she is annoyed at me, like she once was at her mother, for involving the police and "causing trouble". She is obviously very afraid of the man, but she obviously has a soft spot for him too since he is the father of her child, and she seemingly will let him away with anything, despite what he's put her through in the past, and despite his assault on me.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts on the whole matter. At the moment, Sinead and myself are not speaking, and my head is telling me to walk away forever, but of course the heart has to come into play too. I fell for the girl, and I genuinely love and care for her, at least as a friend, and I didn't want to lose her over something this stupid. But it appears as though she has sided with her abuser/the father of her child over me, perhaps because it is the safer option for her, or maybe because she loves him? She obviously relies on him for money for her apartment and for her child. She's trying to keep him sweet, so who knows what she says to him about me? She hasn't made her police statement yet, that's if she is going to make one, because she is obviously stuck between a rock and a hard place regarding what to do or say, or who's side to take.

 

Should I ever speak to her again? After all, I was the one who was always there for her when she needed me, when he was assaulting her etc in the past, and now that he has assaulted me (totally unprovoked I might add), she is seemingly siding with, or might side with him, instead of telling the truth about what happened. What do I do?

 

Thanks.

[Pyro]

Staying with her will put your life in danger being that the baby's Dad has attacked you before and has no reason to stop. Why be with a woman who won't stick up for you by telling the police?

 

Also it is obvious that she doesn't respect herself as she lets her ex's physical assaults slide. Why would you want someone like that?

 

The clear cut rational thing to do would be to walk away and find someone better.

[Darren123]

She seems to have convinced herself (or perhaps he has convinced her) that I'm to blame for what happened. She was talking to me after the event, but was berating me for "causing trouble", meaning involving the police probably, but also she seems very pre-occupied doing anything she can to stop Michael from flipping out. It's a crazy situation, but I'm not going to be involved in a relationship with her, but just to be friends. But how can I even be friends with her now after this? She's not talking to me at the moment because she has it in her head that I'm the one to blame for everything (and I've told her how crazy that is), but after big arguments in the past we've always started talking again eventually. I think I might need to cut this girl out of my life for good, but it's hard because deep down I do like her. But I don't think she respects me. What do you think?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Please walk away. You won't be able to "rescue" this woman. She is still in a place in her life where she is getting something out of remaining enmeshed in this abusive relationship.

 

Try to have a relationship with a healthy person.

[CptObvious]

The husband will most likely kill her and the baby, and then spend the rest of his life in prison(which won't be a long time since the skinheads will target him the minute he gets locked up). Let fate run its course, it's less messy that way.

[jimloveslips]

Run.

 

Ah, 10 character minimum.

 

Run, run, run!

[JamesM]

Please walk away. You won't be able to "rescue" this woman. She is still in a place in her life where she is getting something out of remaining enmeshed in this abusive relationship.

 

Try to have a relationship with a healthy person.

 

Ditto.

 

I know the feeling of rescuing someone and how you can be the white knight.

 

You can't unless she wants to be rescued.

 

Don't forget....even is she ends up loving you, Michael will still be in your life as it is his child.

 

Move on and let her go. Odds are that they will return to each other. And if they don't, then wait until she leaves him for good and it is safe to date her.

 

Don't be a statistic. The next assault may be your last.

[Eternal Sunshine]

And this ladies is what a man will do when he is really head over heels for a girl.

[Darren123]

The husband will most likely kill her and the baby, and then spend the rest of his life in prison(which won't be a long time since the skinheads will target him the minute he gets locked up). Let fate run its course, it's less messy that way.

 

They're not married, and certainly won't ever be.

[Darren123]

Run.

 

Ah, 10 character minimum.

 

Run, run, run!

 

 

It's hard especially when you like the girl, but I don't see any other option. She's cut me off completely now and I haven't even done anything wrong.

[Darren123]

And this ladies is what a man will do when he is really head over heels for a girl.

 

If only circumstances were different, eh?

[Jon Lock]

I have to concur with what is being said above - leave now and don't look back. It isn't your job to 'rescue' or 'fix' anyone (unless they are willing to meet you half way - even then, the 'colder' people among us would say don't bother). It's very apparent that this person is quite confused and if I may say, emotionally damaged. Her not knowing her biological father may have a lot to do with why she puts up with this abusive behaviour and why she continually allows him into her and her sons life.

 

Unfortunately, I think you've got to be the cold one here and do what she cannot do. Leave.

 

I'm not going to be completely stoical about this and I will admit that something like that will certainly not be easy.

[Darren123]

I have to concur with what is being said above - leave now and don't look back. It isn't your job to 'rescue' or 'fix' anyone (unless they are willing to meet you half way - even then, the 'colder' people among us would say don't bother). It's very apparent that this person is quite confused and if I may say, emotionally damaged. Her not knowing her biological father may have a lot to do with why she puts up with this abusive behaviour and why she continually allows him into her and her sons life.

 

Unfortunately, I think you've got to be the cold one here and do what she cannot do. Leave.

 

I'm not going to be completely stoical about this and I will admit that something like that will certainly not be easy.

 

It's certainly not easy. She told me off because she thinks it was all an elaborate plan on my behalf to get him in trouble or bring trouble into her life. What she was saying didn't even make any sense and I asked her if she truly believes it, and she said that she did. So she cut me off, and there I am like a fool texting her trying to convince her that I didn't do anything wrong, when in fact I'm starting to think that the only reason she's annoyed at me is because I'm bringing the guy to court. I'm so annoyed at disappointed at her, and I told her off myself and outlined the reasons very clearly and even psychoanalyzed her and told her that she's simply addicted to the cycle of abuse and that eventually she will see the harm that it's doing to her son years down the line -- this is when she called me. I didn't answer and so she kept trying and then eventually texted me to leave her alone. What the hell is going through this girl's head? I'm so stupid for being involved, but I guess that deep down I love her.

[Glowdoll]

It isn't your job to 'rescue' or 'fix' anyone (unless they are willing to meet you half way - even then, the 'colder' people among us would say don't bother).

 

This.

 

OP: She's playing out the classic victim role to elicit a father-like sense of "rescue" from you. There is a full drama triangle going on here, with all three roles filled nicely. She can't be a victim without a perpetrator and/or a rescuer. If a victim doesn't have a perpetrator/rescuer, they will either find one or create one.

 

I've had a lot of experience as a self-perpetuating victim. It's not healthy for a relationship to have any of the three stereotypes (rescuer, victim, perpetrator). It may be hard to let her go, but take comfort that the authorities are involved. They are the ones who should/can save her. Not you.

[Darren123]

So I should probably stop trying to get her to talk to me then. Because she's not.