alylen Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I was/am (?) in an almost 5 year relationship. My boyfriend and I have kind of had a love/hate relationship in that when things are good, they're great. But when they're bad, they're really, really bad. I had a lot of built up resentment for things he had done to me, ie. lying, constantly getting mad at me and trying to hurt my feelings. Finally I had enough and I told him I wanted to take a break. During that time I started seeing someone else and we slept together. Maybe it was selfish but I was testing the waters to see what else was out there, meanwhile my boyfriend was calling and texting me telling me he'd change and do whatever it took to make us work. We hung out (and slept together ) a few times during this period, but we were far from a normal couple. I've realized I do love my boyfriend and want to give us a chance to make things better, but I feel like I can't do that without being honest with him about the other guy. He won't understand that we were on a "break" and will see it as me cheating on him, which is fair enough, but I'm scared he'll hate me if I come clean. Do you think I should tell him the truth, ie. that I slept with someone else, and how should I tell him? Or tell him that I went out with someone a few times...but skip out on the part about sleeping together...or just not tell him at all... I just miss him and hope we can have another shot. Link to post Share on other sites
DeathStar Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Alylen Im in 5.8yr relationship. Its so hard to maintain a relationship. Its a child at work. Your bf has to admit and see his wrongs, then you have to admit to yours. You have to push the high end drama to one side, even push it away for good. It's not healthy. One of the most important things in any relationship, the one with yourself, the one with God, every single one out there, is being honest and having humility. It was very hard for me to admit my shortcomings, but it has made me a better person, i went from good to great because i can now openly admit. If you tell him straight away, it's going to south and fast. Before you open up to him, you have to fix your love-hate relationship, it was broken before you did your busness. I believe if it was a "normal" relationship, you wouldn't have slept with the guy, and i understand the bit about it being a test. From the sounds of it, you are desperate, even before the break, the relationship has value and you wish to salvage it. But to tell him straight away could harm what you want to save, or it could open his eyes to the fact that you still choose him above any other. Its tricky but if you build the tolerance, the much required patience, you will make this work. Depending on who he is, you must make the choice of telling him before you fix it, or after you fix it, although after will be much painfull, before could have your relationship dwindle fast. Sit him down, tell him you want to make this work and that you have to start by admitting what went wrong and understanding why it hurts the other person, you know when you fight, why are you fighting, whats the reason? maybe he did something that upset you, then tell him, "its not what you did, its how i feel about it, it hurt me, so please stop". Understanding. Then tell him, this and this happend during the break, but you are here because nothing compares to what you two share. you always pick him. always. then see if he wants to fix it. It's not really cheating in the true sense. Make it work. All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I was/am (?) in an almost 5 year relationship. My boyfriend and I have kind of had a love/hate relationship in that when things are good, they're great. But when they're bad, they're really, really bad. I had a lot of built up resentment for things he had done to me, ie. lying, constantly getting mad at me and trying to hurt my feelings. Finally I had enough and I told him I wanted to take a break. During that time I started seeing someone else and we slept together. Maybe it was selfish but I was testing the waters to see what else was out there, meanwhile my boyfriend was calling and texting me telling me he'd change and do whatever it took to make us work. We hung out (and slept together ) a few times during this period, but we were far from a normal couple. I've realized I do love my boyfriend and want to give us a chance to make things better, but I feel like I can't do that without being honest with him about the other guy. He won't understand that we were on a "break" and will see it as me cheating on him, which is fair enough, but I'm scared he'll hate me if I come clean. Do you think I should tell him the truth, ie. that I slept with someone else, and how should I tell him? Or tell him that I went out with someone a few times...but skip out on the part about sleeping together...or just not tell him at all... I just miss him and hope we can have another shot. I was getting to know another guy during my last break with the ex, and he asked me during our reconciliation if I'd met anyone. In order to spare his feelings I told him no because we were on a break and it wasn't any of his business. I knew it would make him even more insecure than he already was, and also cause him to resent me for trying to move on. I guess it depends on what the terms of your break were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alylen Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 Out of curiosity, why do you want a reconciliation when the relationship you had was so volatile? It doesn't seem your foundation was all that strong if you felt the need to "test the waters" in this "love/hate" relationship. I know, doesn't really make sense, right. I've just realized in getting to know this new guy that everyone has their faults and no one I meet is going to be perfect, but the good we had is worth it to me. If he's serious about making it work and realizes he loves me as much as I love him, then the volatile stuff is going to have to go. Obviously if that doesn't change it's not going to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alylen Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 I should add that my boyfriend/new guy are connected by some very distant friends, so there's a slim chance that something could get back to him. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Yes you should tell him. Your relationship already sounds pretty fked up so I'm not sure how re-igniting it with a lie would be a good place to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Sav Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Usually I would say let sleeping dogs lie..but if they are connected, it's best to hear it from your lips than his Link to post Share on other sites
dreamstate83 Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 The one and only time I ever made the mistake of sleeping with someone else, it led to a breakup (I went into a relationship too fast after I was engaged). It took her 8 years to forgive me, and now we talk and have a great time on the phone. But yeah, 8 years. Link to post Share on other sites
listen_to_me_please Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) If you don't tell him, and he finds out he will break up with you, the trust will be gone and it won't be the same. If you do tell him, he will break up with you, the trust will be gone and it won't be the same If you don't tell him and he finds out, he is going to hate you ALLOT longer than if you do tell him. If you don't tell him and he doesn't find out chances are you will do it again because a) you liked the cock b) once's a good girl's gone bad, she's gone for forever c) probably not with the same guy or maybe with the same guy but eitherway "my boyfriend's stupid, he will never find out, look how much he loves me" rationalize it how you would like "break", "time-out", but we all know what you did. Eitherway, break or no break, you cheated. Good luck with that relationship, its on the path to destruction now. Edited November 24, 2012 by listen_to_me_please Link to post Share on other sites
not-a-drive-by Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 You need to muster the courage and tell him. "Lies" or "hiding the truth" always comes back to bite you. But like Sav said, it's better coming from your mouth than him finding out from other sources or from that guy months or years down the track. It will save you a lot of pain and hurt in the long run. And of course, time. This could make or break the reconciliation. Prepare for the worst - I don't think what you did was appropriate during a "break", when you are still really together. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 (edited) If you get back into a relationship with him, there's always going to be a big elephant in the room and your going to destroy your relationship even before it starts up right. And even if what he says is true and he has change the way he acts. Treats you the way you deserve to be treated. He becomes loving and puts you first; yet, looks at you as a partner in life. Does little nice things for you...you're going to feel like hell. Thinking that you don't deserve to be treated so well after what you did. Therefore, you're going to subconiously have him at arms length and he's going to know that something is different. How long into the break were you before you slept with this other guy? Reason why I asked, is because if you waited like five months before this happened...well, you could say that you thought you two were never getting back together and you were just moving on. He might be understanding of that. But, if it was a couple of days....that might be a problem for you. Edited November 26, 2012 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 It sounds like your relationship broke down and after it broke down you had sex with someone else. That someone else is no longer part of the picture, and now you're considering mending bridges and rebuilding the relationship. Am I right? If I am, what happened after the break up is, in my opinion, just details. It's not uncommon to have a one hour date shortly after a break up. No-one got pregnant, caught anything or developed a bond. It's peanuts. What concerns me more is what you said about how the relationship broke down, and your nervousness about he would react if you told him. They both suggest there's a lot of work for him and you to do to change enough to have a stable, loving, trusting, enjoyable relationship. My opinion is the liaison is trivial in the grand scheme, and sharing the information is not necessary (but, of course, entirely up to you). The real work is in how you guys bounce off each other, and express your feelings, desires and thoughts; and how you make each other's lives better. That's what relationships are about, and the best way to express your love is in the way you live your lives, right? Link to post Share on other sites
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