the after affect - friendship(s) or lack of

[TexasCountryGirl]

my H had an affair 2.5 years ago ... we are now working through it ... things are slowly but surely getting better .

 

I have started this thread because last night I begin to wonder if "this is just me" or a normal thing that most people do / go through / whatever!

 

In trying to cope with the affair, I pulled away from everyone. I didn't want questions .. I didn't want to here "how sorry" other people were that I was having to go through all of this ... I didn't want pitty .. I just needed time to deal with things on my own .. in my own way!

 

Once I came to terms with the affair and the decision was made to reconcile ... I quickly realized that I really didn't have any friends (LOL - sad but true!!!) We - meaning together - had lots of friends ... other couples that would come over and hang out, go to dinner with other couples, go out for a few drinks and the such with other couples ... that sort of thing - but I myself ... I didn't really have any friends of my own!

 

The affair really through me for a loop as it was ... but then I found out that alot of the couples that we had hung out with on occasions had also met this OW. For some, it was both the husband and the wife who had met the OW ... for some it was just the man that had met her ... but I felt awkward around them (and even angry) that they knew about this affair and no one ever came to me ... no one ever told me !!! Basically all of those people who I had considered as "friends" ... ended up basically participating in the "cover up" for my husband and not one of them ever came to me! It was at that point in time that I realized I didn't really have any friends!

 

Really it didn't seem like any big deal to me at the time .. and even up to now it hasn't bothered me. My focus has been on my family, my kids, and rebuilding my marriage. Last night I was sitting on the back porch and having my quite time ... just unwinding for the evening and thinking... and it all kind of came rushing back to me.

 

I work as an office manager and I am really the only one in my office all day long. Sure I answer the phones and "speak" with other adults ... but I almost feel lonely at times. Not romantically lonely ... or anything like that!!! Just lonely like I never really have "adult conversations." My husband is the only person that I ever really talk too and not that I don't enjoy our conversations ... but sometimes he has just had a long day at work or a long week and just doesn't feel like chit chatting. (am I making any sense ?) I don't really have a "means" of being able to meet or make any friends ... my days are consumed with a full time job, playing taxi driver to my children, cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, putting the kids to bed, etc. etc. etc.

 

I know that I am the one who opt'ed not to hang out with those other couples anymore ... and for me it was the right decision .. I don't regret it nor do I care to rekindle any of those friendships now... but it kind of hit me last night when everyone was in bed for the night and here I was sitting alone by the fire on the back porch. No one talk to .. no one to even call because I don't really have any friends! (boy does that sound pathetic or what!!!)

 

I guess last night left me with one of those feeling like ... what the heck!... kind of reminds me of that old "Reba song"... Is there life out there?

 

More than anything .. I guess I am wondering if this is a normal stage ? or maybe normal for some people ? or am I just really that pathetic ? (LOL)

Now that I am thinking about it ... I don't even think I know how or where to look for friends

[NotCamelot]

I can't speak for others, but for me....yeah, went/going through the same thing. When I discoverd my W's A, I had NO ONE to talk to. Everyone I knew was "our" friend. And one of them helped with the subterfuge allowing her to hook up with the OM. And after, when we have been in her presence, the look I get from her just really bothers me.......she knows what happened and helped it happen.

 

So I think it is normal. You know it's like we see in some of the movies about who gets custody of which friends.

 

Since you two are "working through it", have you stopped contact with all the pre-affair friends? Or do you not want to even go there, I could understand that.

 

I think we all feel somewhat embarrassed about this. I really don't want my friends to know that my W cheated on me. I am afraid that they would think less of ME. I know that is wrong, but I can't help it.

 

A lot of people turn to their church, if they have one, for support.

 

What about co-workers?

 

I don't know your age, but most of us get to the point in life where we are set as far as friends go.....not many new ones come along and we usually don't continue to go to places to make new ones. When we become disconnected from our current life, it is really hard to start over.

 

Concentrate on what you have. The friends that knew what was going on are not worth keeping anyway.

[mass millz]

I find myself doing the same thing lately...I have a few friends but none I would ever get that close too. I sit on my back porch at night, seeing the cars drive by and wonder what it's like to have a life. It can be very lonely when you don't want to embarrass yourself from an affair....

[Furious]

TCG

 

How awful that some of your "couple" friends knew about the OW and never said a word to you. How cruel that your husband could bring the OW around to these people and not think how disrespectful it was to you.

 

It really struck me how you say you never had time for personal girlfriends between working full time and having the majority of the child rearing and household chores. Where was your husband, why hadn't he helped more around the house and with the children. Is this how it still is?

 

I hope you haven't reverted back to the same old same old.

 

You need to stop revolving around everyone else's needs and make time for yourself. Join a class, pick up a hobby, even do so volunteer work, start meeting new people. You should also pamper yourself, get the manicure and pedicure, go for a massage, buy yourself a whole new wardrobe, heck...even drink cahampagne and strawberries for breakfast if you want.

 

This is the time for you to not just be a mother and wife, don't get trapped in the same old same old. Demand some changes, and if no one picks up the slack, then leave the dirty clothes in the hamper and dishes in the sink.

 

 

Get your groove back and kick some ass.

[Breathless]

I hope you don't mind that I comment on your post - considering I was the MW. If so, please know I really do apologize and I meant no offense...

 

My BH told everyone and anyone close to us about the horrible thing I did on DDay. He told both our parents, siblings, extended family and friends. Of course, my mom, sister, and best friend ran to my side to stand by me while my world collapsed. It took me about 3 weeks for me to be able to face my father in person which was sad bc all he wanted to do was take care of his little girl. His family and his group of friends cut me off immediately…except for the occasional nasty text msg from one of them every few weeks (I never responded to anyone’s text msg and I never told my H about the msgs either). We separated for almost 5 months and when we decided to try and R, I had to come out of hiding and had to face everyone who knew about my A. We each had our own set friends that we brought into our M. His friends and my friends turned into our friends who were not just friends to us – they were family. We went through the hardships of dating together, we all were in each others weddings, godparents to each others children etc. Every birthday, every holiday, every special lifetime moment was spent with them for over 15 years. So yes, I loved them like they were my family. But I lost it all the moment they heard about what I did. It’ll be a year soon since my H and decided to reconcile and since then, I have been over to their homes for parties, our kids play sports together so I see them on the weekends, we have gone on a couple of vacations together…but it is not the same. Every time we get together, I am excluded for the first few hours from conversations between the wives and the husbands I think feel a little bit bad for me so they try and make small talk. There is a strange air of uncomfortableness between us now.

 

I lost everyone who I was close too bc of the A. Not bc of of them turned their backs on me - but bc I am filled with some much shame and guilt that it's hard to face anyone and everyone. I do not trust my opinion or judgement anymore so why should anyone else. These are people whom I will always love and I will always appreciate any kindness that they show me bc of the love they have for my BH. They were his support when he needed them and I am grateful. But my BH finds it annoying when I get a little quiet, tense or even guarded before we meet up with anyone outside our little family. The shame and guilt starts to suffocate me all over again as if DDay was yesterday. I don't want him to distance himself from the people who loved and cherished him more than I did...so I go along with everything and always with a smile on my face.

 

But still, I can no longer think of them as OUR friends, let alone OUR family…I’m just their friend’s “wife” now – nothing more to them. It’s lonely being surrounded by people who USED to love you…but I’m paying for my “sins” and living with the consequences of my A.

[TexasCountryGirl]

Since you two are "working through it", have you stopped contact with all the pre-affair friends? Or do you not want to even go there, I could understand that.

 

A lot of people turn to their church, if they have one, for support.

 

What about co-workers?

 

I don't know your age, but most of us get to the point in life where we are set as far as friends go.....not many new ones come along and we usually don't continue to go to places to make new ones. When we become disconnected from our current life, it is really hard to start over.

 

Stopped all contact .. yes - they were never really "my" friends to begin with ... they were his and none of them are worth a piece of poop ... so no reason or desire to speak with any of them now!

 

Church .. yes we have a church .. but our church is just so large and and meeting people isn't really all that easy! I have looked for a small town atmosphere church .. the kind that I went to when I was a kid ... but just haven't really found what I have been looking for.

 

Age and where I am at in life etc. - yes .. I think you hit the nail on the head ! At 38 years old and after disconnecting from my prior life ... it does kind of feel like being in a position of having start all over again!

[TexasCountryGirl]

I find myself doing the same thing lately...I have a few friends but none I would ever get that close too. I sit on my back porch at night, seeing the cars drive by and wonder what it's like to have a life. It can be very lonely when you don't want to embarrass yourself from an affair....

 

Well at least I know I am normal ... not that it makes any of our positions any better ... but maybe it helps a little to know that I am not the only one who "wonders" !!!

I am not lonely in the true sense of being "lonely." I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe it's just the good times (in general) that I miss .. just having general conversation with "people" ... being able to stay up late and laugh over a funny story... silly little things like that!

[TexasCountryGirl]

leave the dirty clothes in the hamper and dishes in the sink.

 

Like go on strike !!!

Oh my ... well yes I have done that many times !!!

My husband helps out a lot (or as much as he can) ... he has an hour and a half drive to work and home everyday ... he gets off at 6 .. so it is normally 7:30 or 8 before he walks through the door during the week. by the time he showers and comes to eat dinner, he's exhausted and then is normally in bed by 9pm! By 9pm I am just starting a load of laundry and cleaning up the kitchen from dinner. (just the way things are for us ... jobs aren't easy to come by .. so for us ... we are just grateful that we both have jobs!) He has to drive so far, so he gets up and is hitting the road each morning just as we (the kids and I) are getting up! For the most part .. I don't mind ... although sometimes the routine gets "old" and I get tired of feeling like a "single mom" when clearly I am not!!! (this is typically when I say forget it and go on strike!!!) Life "is what it is" for us .. my husband helps out on the weekends and stuff ... but the weekends are really all I have ... so I don't want to shopping or make time for myself on the weekends (I want to spend that time with my husband ... or with us as a family)

[2sunny]

So - you want to reconcile but feel alone much of the time...

 

Your husband should be repairing the damage to the M that HE caused - but is away and missing most of your day? Hmmm

 

 

Really sounds like there's no marriage there - no connection - no time for intimacy - no effort by your H to REBUILD what he smashed to smithereens!

 

 

Then he leaves you to fend for all or most of the housework on top of your full time job? Goes to sleep shortly after coming in from "his long day"?

 

Sheez... Sounds to me like HE'S STILL CHEATING!!!!!

[2sunny]

If I were you I'd move out! Let your "poor husband" figure out how to run the whole household while you take a much deserved break!

 

Relax... Go have fun!

 

Tell him there ARE consequences for his bad behavior!

 

Tell him you might return when you get tired of having some fun LIVING your life!!!

[TexasCountryGirl]

Breathless -

 

thank you for sharing your story!

I am not offended that you posted on the thread!

2 years ago it may have been very difficult for me to even try to understand how you feel ... but in the past 2.5 years I have watch my husband live with the guilt and regret on nearly a daily basis!

 

I guess it is fair to say it really doesn't matter if you are the only who was "b" or the one who "b" your spouse ... both sides are difficult positions to be in especially when it comes to reconciling!

 

[TexasCountryGirl]

So - you want to reconcile but feel alone much of the time...

 

Your husband should be repairing the damage to the M that HE caused - but is away and missing most of your day? Hmmm

 

 

Really sounds like there's no marriage there - no connection - no time for intimacy - no effort by your H to REBUILD what he smashed to smithereens!

 

 

Then he leaves you to fend for all or most of the housework on top of your full time job? Goes to sleep shortly after coming in from "his long day"?

 

Sheez... Sounds to me like HE'S STILL CHEATING!!!!!

 

no no ... I think you may have mis-understood my thread !!!

it's been 2.5 years since the affair occurred ... my husband is very much there for me !!! "We" make time for intimacy ... and he doesn't "leave me to fend for everything" while he is off doing whatever. We together are very happy ... My husband goes above and beyond to do his part is rebuilding ... and he isn't having an affair !!!

this thread was addressing friendships in general ... like having a best friend ... like just having someone to hangout with sometimes and laugh and giggle !!! Of course I do that with my husband ... but the thread was in regards to having general friends !!! sorry maybe it is me .. maybe I do not know how to word it in a way that you can understand ...

[2sunny]

Ok then - call any gal you know and invite her to a movie tonight!

[BetrayedH]

I hope you don't mind that I comment on your post - considering I was the MW. If so, please know I really do apologize and I meant no offense...

 

My BH told everyone and anyone close to us about the horrible thing I did on DDay. He told both our parents, siblings, extended family and friends. Of course, my mom, sister, and best friend ran to my side to stand by me while my world collapsed. It took me about 3 weeks for me to be able to face my father in person which was sad bc all he wanted to do was take care of his little girl. His family and his group of friends cut me off immediately…except for the occasional nasty text msg from one of them every few weeks (I never responded to anyone’s text msg and I never told my H about the msgs either). We separated for almost 5 months and when we decided to try and R, I had to come out of hiding and had to face everyone who knew about my A. We each had our own set friends that we brought into our M. His friends and my friends turned into our friends who were not just friends to us – they were family. We went through the hardships of dating together, we all were in each others weddings, godparents to each others children etc. Every birthday, every holiday, every special lifetime moment was spent with them for over 15 years. So yes, I loved them like they were my family. But I lost it all the moment they heard about what I did. It’ll be a year soon since my H and decided to reconcile and since then, I have been over to their homes for parties, our kids play sports together so I see them on the weekends, we have gone on a couple of vacations together…but it is not the same. Every time we get together, I am excluded for the first few hours from conversations between the wives and the husbands I think feel a little bit bad for me so they try and make small talk. There is a strange air of uncomfortableness between us now.

 

I lost everyone who I was close too bc of the A. Not bc of of them turned their backs on me - but bc I am filled with some much shame and guilt that it's hard to face anyone and everyone. I do not trust my opinion or judgement anymore so why should anyone else. These are people whom I will always love and I will always appreciate any kindness that they show me bc of the love they have for my BH. They were his support when he needed them and I am grateful. But my BH finds it annoying when I get a little quiet, tense or even guarded before we meet up with anyone outside our little family. The shame and guilt starts to suffocate me all over again as if DDay was yesterday. I don't want him to distance himself from the people who loved and cherished him more than I did...so I go along with everything and always with a smile on my face.

 

But still, I can no longer think of them as OUR friends, let alone OUR family…I’m just their friend’s “wife” now – nothing more to them. It’s lonely being surrounded by people who USED to love you…but I’m paying for my “sins” and living with the consequences of my A.

 

We see too few wayward spouses with the courage to post of this forum and to do the hard work it takes to restore their marriage.

 

My thoughts are with you in hope that you find the perseverance to get to the day when your affair no longer defines you or your marriage (for you, your husband, or your family and friends).

[frozensprouts]

I know it may sound trite, but have you ever considered carving a bit of time out just for yourself when you get out of your house and do some things on your own where you will be will a whole new group of adults?

Maybe take a class in something you've always been interested in, try a new hobby you've always wanted to do, or volunteer at a local not for profit? Get yourself out there and meet people who know nothing about you or what has happened between you and your husband....

 

best of luck to you, and just to let you know that things can and often do, get better