Such a Fool

[WritingDiva]

I've been encouraged for sometime by my best friends boyfriend to visit this particular forum of this site. He is a "product" of catching his now ex-wife having an affair and turned to this forum for support. Having been the other woman now for some time, I'm finally compelled to reach out for the much needed lecture/support to kick him to the proverbial curb and move on.

 

What started out as just sex a year ago, grew into much more. I tried to break if off once and it lasted a couple of months and even started dating a nice AVAILABLE man, only to blow him off (he really wasn't doing it for me) and return to my MM. However, not before returning, my MM asked if I had been seeing anyone and I said yes and when he asked if he had been intimate, I said yes. He tells me he went that night and slept with his wife for the first time in months. (Mind you they sleep in separate bedrooms already.) The thought of me being with another perfectly AVAILABLE man was enough to drive him to have "revenge sex with his wife" (if there is such a thing), as if I'd care. Up until this point, it was just sex so I hadn't anticipated him not having obligatory sex with her even though he assured me since we had started fooling around, he had stopped sleeping with her, even to go so far as turning down her advances.

 

At this point, I feel it's important to pause in the story and tell you they have a five year old son together and she had started hinting at having another, but he told me that he was telling her no b/c he wasn't happy. By the time we got "back together" he was trying to determine the best way to leave. But being he's from one of those families where appearances is everything, he was struggling. And of course his son was his number one priority.

 

Let's pick back up, so the affair continued on. Every Wednesday evening and Sunday day, like clock work, was "our time." So about three months into this rekindled bliss, I receive a text message in the middle of the night, that she's pregnant. Of course I asked the obvious question the next day, if when he slept with her that ONE TIME, had she been on her birth control. She assured him yes. I looked at him blankly and all but called him an idiot. To complicate matters even more, instead of telling her own husband that she was pregnant she waited thru the first trimester and claimed she didn't want to tell him b/c she knew he didn't want anymore kids and was wanting to leave and was afraid he'd ask her to abort it. Never mind they already had one kid together and it's against his religious beliefs anyways... she played him like the fiddle he is... just as he's played me for the violin that I am.

 

So I did what any truly in-love, no self-respecting woman would do and I stayed. But I said no more secrets. No more ignorance is bliss on my part. If I ask a question, any question, I want a straight answer.

 

The baby was born Election day. We had already discussed on Monday not seeing each other this week b/c I just couldn't pretend anymore that something big wasn't going to happen this week (she was due Nov. 10). He gave me the ole "if you want to leave I'll understand but I'm going to come back and find you" speech; again. We've periodically had it throughout the course of her pregnancy/our relationship and I assured him and myself that I could handle it. I could wait. Despite my gut telling me "he'll never leave and you know it." I had even told him that on numerous occasions, only to hear the same hem and haw speech. Additionally, I've never thought I wanted children of my own. I found myself reconsidering with him. And again I brought it up that I didn't think he'd want anymore children after this second one which he assured me... "no, I want us to have one." Two weeks ago, he wasn't so sure he wanted anymore. Again... I knew it.

 

It's very much like the comedian Bill Engvall says "there's your sign." Sigh...

 

So Tuesday comes, and all leading up the birth I've done the only sane thing I knew to do and prayed for a safe delivery and healthy baby and for him to piss or get off the pot, but either way, man up and make some decisions.

 

He sent me a picture of the baby. She's beautiful but she makes me nauseous. Not even seeing the birth of my niece freshly out of the birth canal made me this nauseous. We've spoken via text, but I have had nothing more to say than "focus on the baby and your family. You're where you need to be."

 

And now I'm here. Looking for someone to high five my face and tell me what a fool I've been, as if I need the reminder, but just to be safe. So per the wise counsel of my bestie's BF, I'm telling my tale, expecting all sorts of reactions ranging from "are you seriously that stupid" to "if he cheated on his pregnant wife, he'll damn sure cheat on you" to my personal favorite that I tell myself "have you no self respect?!" And please, I'm actually not stupid. But I guess love or being blinded by it causes us to do stupid things and make poor decisions, thus making us a fool.

[Pierre]

I've been encouraged for sometime by my best friends boyfriend to visit this particular forum of this site. He is a "product" of catching his now ex-wife having an affair and turned to this forum for support. Having been the other woman now for some time, I'm finally compelled to reach out for the much needed lecture/support to kick him to the proverbial curb and move on.

 

What started out as just sex a year ago, grew into much more. I tried to break if off once and it lasted a couple of months and even started dating a nice AVAILABLE man, only to blow him off (he really wasn't doing it for me) and return to my MM. However, not before returning, my MM asked if I had been seeing anyone and I said yes and when he asked if he had been intimate, I said yes. He tells me he went that night and slept with his wife for the first time in months. (Mind you they sleep in separate bedrooms already.) The thought of me being with another perfectly AVAILABLE man was enough to drive him to have "revenge sex with his wife" (if there is such a thing), as if I'd care. Up until this point, it was just sex so I hadn't anticipated him not having obligatory sex with her even though he assured me since we had started fooling around, he had stopped sleeping with her, even to go so far as turning down her advances.

 

At this point, I feel it's important to pause in the story and tell you they have a five year old son together and she had started hinting at having another, but he told me that he was telling her no b/c he wasn't happy. By the time we got "back together" he was trying to determine the best way to leave. But being he's from one of those families where appearances is everything, he was struggling. And of course his son was his number one priority.

 

Let's pick back up, so the affair continued on. Every Wednesday evening and Sunday day, like clock work, was "our time." So about three months into this rekindled bliss, I receive a text message in the middle of the night, that she's pregnant. Of course I asked the obvious question the next day, if when he slept with her that ONE TIME, had she been on her birth control. She assured him yes. I looked at him blankly and all but called him an idiot. To complicate matters even more, instead of telling her own husband that she was pregnant she waited thru the first trimester and claimed she didn't want to tell him b/c she knew he didn't want anymore kids and was wanting to leave and was afraid he'd ask her to abort it. Never mind they already had one kid together and it's against his religious beliefs anyways... she played him like the fiddle he is... just as he's played me for the violin that I am.

 

So I did what any truly in-love, no self-respecting woman would do and I stayed. But I said no more secrets. No more ignorance is bliss on my part. If I ask a question, any question, I want a straight answer.

 

The baby was born Election day. We had already discussed on Monday not seeing each other this week b/c I just couldn't pretend anymore that something big wasn't going to happen this week (she was due Nov. 10). He gave me the ole "if you want to leave I'll understand but I'm going to come back and find you" speech; again. We've periodically had it throughout the course of her pregnancy/our relationship and I assured him and myself that I could handle it. I could wait. Despite my gut telling me "he'll never leave and you know it." I had even told him that on numerous occasions, only to hear the same hem and haw speech. Additionally, I've never thought I wanted children of my own. I found myself reconsidering with him. And again I brought it up that I didn't think he'd want anymore children after this second one which he assured me... "no, I want us to have one." Two weeks ago, he wasn't so sure he wanted anymore. Again... I knew it.

 

It's very much like the comedian Bill Engvall says "there's your sign." Sigh...

 

So Tuesday comes, and all leading up the birth I've done the only sane thing I knew to do and prayed for a safe delivery and healthy baby and for him to piss or get off the pot, but either way, man up and make some decisions.

 

He sent me a picture of the baby. She's beautiful but she makes me nauseous. Not even seeing the birth of my niece freshly out of the birth canal made me this nauseous. We've spoken via text, but I have had nothing more to say than "focus on the baby and your family. You're where you need to be."

 

And now I'm here. Looking for someone to high five my face and tell me what a fool I've been, as if I need the reminder, but just to be safe. So per the wise counsel of my bestie's BF, I'm telling my tale, expecting all sorts of reactions ranging from "are you seriously that stupid" to "if he cheated on his pregnant wife, he'll damn sure cheat on you" to my personal favorite that I tell myself "have you no self respect?!" And please, I'm actually not stupid. But I guess love or being blinded by it causes us to do stupid things and make poor decisions, thus making us a fool.

 

This post is very sad.

 

Why do you pay attention to married men?

[skywriter]

Hello WritingDiva,

 

I am a FOW, been out of the A for 6 months now. I am progressivly getting to a much better and more peaceful place.

 

Forgiving myself for compromising my own integrity has been my biggest hurdle.

 

I would suggest that you continue writing out how you are feeling daily and then go back on a regular and reread it. It has helped me to make sense of my feelings and of course to see progression, where I otherwise, haven't been aware, of just how much better I'm doing.

 

I got the impression from your post that you are ready to make a move towards resolution.

Edited November 8, 2012 by skywriter
You'll get alot of help here if you are truly ready.

[ThatJustHappened]

It sounds to me like every word out of this man's mouth was a lie. I don't think he's said one honest thing to you since the day he met you. He's not leaving. Ever. Walk away and get thee to a therapist ASAP.

[jennifernyc84]

No judgments here.

 

I'm pretty much in the same same boat right now. Trying to get of actually. Its not easy. Love will blind you, and make you see something that doesn't exist. I really don't feel that I'm qualified to be giving anyone advice at this point in my life, but i felt compelled to share what I've gone thru with you.

 

Do you really believe he only slept with her that one time, and that was enough for her to get pregnant? Not likely. And do you really believe he dud not know of his wifes pregnancy? Again, not likely.

 

He knew, as soon as you'd find out, you'd bail. And if you knew he and his wife were still having sex, you'd most likely not believe he'd leave her.

 

He said those things to keep you hooked.

 

I'm currently starting to realize that myself. My MM (or ex MM, i should say) had me, hook, line, and sinker. Feed me all the bs lines in the book. But it didn't matter. In the end, he chose his wife he butchered my heart, but spared her feelings, all the while telling me how much he wanted me to be his wife, the mother of his kids...bs.

 

 

My point is, my guy doesn't have kids, and still had no intention of leaving her..

Your guy has two, one of which its only afew days old...he's not going anywhere, sweetie. He's exactly where he needs, and wants to be.

[scatterd]

Hi sorry you are going through this. It seems to me their has been some game playing going on with MM since you told him about being with another man. I really have to wonder if he has been sleeping with his wife all along. If he wanted to leave he would have been gone. If he is treating his wife the way he says I would be wondering if he would do the same to you someday. Look he is already playing the getting even game through using sleeping with the wife. Just think about how it would be if you was married to him with children. You could waste many more years with this MM. Some Ow have done it for 5 years and even longer. Keep coming here and read some of the stories. You will hear allot from OW that have been in the same situation.

[jennifernyc84]

This post is very sad.

 

Why do you pay attention to married men?

 

Why make her feel worse, Pierre?

 

She came here for help, not to get condemned.

 

Lighten up on her a bit

[Pierre]

Why make her feel worse, Pierre?

 

She came here for help, not to get condemned.

 

Lighten up on her a bit

 

Gee, I don't believe in pop psychology. Why make her feel good about her incredible bad judgment.

 

Why act surprised to discover a cheater is actually lying? That is a given! That is why the guy is cheating, he is a liar.

 

OP needs to move on and learn from her mistake.

 

Pop psychology does not work. No need to feel good about making a huge error. No need to justify poor judgment. This simply leads to more errors. NO need to blame others for our own mistakes so we can feel good. OP should have known a priori that her guy is a bastard SOB. No different than your Josh.

[jennifernyc84]

Gee, I don't believe in pop psychology. Why make her feel good about her incredible bad judgment.

 

Why act surprised to discover a cheater is actually lying? That is a given! That is why the guy is cheating, he is a liar.

 

OP needs to move on and learn from her mistake.

 

Pop psychology does not work. No need to feel good about making a huge error. No need to justify poor judgment. This simply leads to more errors. NO need to blame others for our own mistakes so we can feel good. OP should have known a priori that her guy is a bastard SOB. No different than your Josh.

 

I'm only saying that its easy to fall for something that you already believe. I'm sure if she didn't believe he was having such a horrible life with his wife, she would have never been so hopeful. Yes, it was wrong of her, but isn't that why she's here? Because she knows she's done wrong? She's hurting as is, give her a break.

[Owl]

I'm only saying that its easy to fall for something that you already believe. I'm sure if she didn't believe he was having such a horrible life with his wife, she would have never been so hopeful. Yes, it was wrong of her, but isn't that why she's here? Because she knows she's done wrong? She's hurting as is, give her a break.

 

Two thoughts...

 

First...Pierre was likely trying to get her to THINK about WHY she's made the choices she has, in order to help her to start making positive changes in her life. In other words...support.

 

Second...unless someone's post violates the terms of service (TOS) on this site, there really isn't anything that anyone can do other than to say that they disagree with that viewpoint. Feel free to post a counter point to his post if you like...but telling him not to post it isn't going to be a productive effort.

[jennifernyc84]

Two thoughts...

 

First...Pierre was likely trying to get her to THINK about WHY she's made the choices she has, in order to help her to start making positive changes in her life. In other words...support.

 

Second...unless someone's post violates the terms of service (TOS) on this site, there really isn't anything that anyone can do other than to say that they disagree with that viewpoint. Feel free to post a counter point to his post if you like...but telling him not to post it isn't going to be a productive effort.

 

I didn't tell him not to post lol.

 

I just said not to be so hard on her. I'm sure she regrets it enough by herself, with out people rubbing her nose in it...

[WritingDiva]

Jennifernyc84 & Pierre:

You're both right. As Pierre said, my story is sad. As Jennifernyc84 said, I didn't come here to be condemned. However, I'm not naive enough to think that by writing my story it was going to be skittles and sunshine from the readers. I'm open to honest feedback, but I don't need an additional moral compass reminding me that mine has clearly pointed south for too long. I'm rather seeking the encouragement to continue on my path to cease communication and move on and be reminded that there's more to life and being in a relationship than sitting around waiting for Wednesday and Sunday to come along.

 

As to your other reply, I honestly thought he was stupid if he didn't realize she was pregnant earlier than the 3 month mark. I've not been pregnant, but I'm guessing there's got to be some tell-tale sign. However, like you said, he is exactly where he needs to be and wants to be. And I appreciate you sharing your perspective given your own situation.

 

Scatterd:

I've not spent too much time wondering how many lies he's actually told me. Clearly I actually should have. And you're absolutely right also. If he wanted to be with me, he would have done it. Said his lawyer however said the court frowns upon fathers walking out before the baby is born. Interestingly enough, he said he's had the first draft of divorce papers drawn... yet he never shared them with me. As someone whose been married and divorced myself, I'm familiar enough with reading over the documentation, yet he never produced it. Sigh...

 

ThatJustHappened:

Great name. And I should actually be returning to my therapist! Until you all have so poignantly pointed it out, he did such a good job selling his story, I never really thought much of it to be blatant lies. He always seemed so genuine and sincere when we talked about a variety of things, the not sleeping with his wife, separate bedrooms, two days a week (granted I thought she was an idiot for not thinking her husband didn't have some "extracurricular" activity going on when hes gone religiously on the same days).

 

SkyWriter:

You hit the nail on the head with the topic of integrity. I've never thought of myself a doormat yet it's become crystal clear that I threw any respect I had for myself out the front door and replaced it with a mat. I'm not proud of being with him. And now that I'm writing and discussing this, I just want to quietly go away and move on with my life, b/c I am ready to move forward. It's taken the baby arriving to really push me over the ledge to what I've known has needed to be done all along. Per the bestie's BF I referenced earlier, he encouraged me to send an email and break it off. Requesting no response communication. As I mentioned, I've only talked to him via text since Tuesday. He tried calling me and I just texted "I can't talk to you." I don't want to hear his voice and I certainly don't want to see him. So I'm thinking the email is a way for me to start the closure process.

 

I welcome everyone's thoughts.

[2sure]

Do you believe that since the affair started a year ago, he stopped having sex with his wife because he started having sex with you?

 

And his wife would try and try to have sex with him , but he would say: NO.

 

And then...he has revenge sex with wife, not before making her promise she is on birth control. And she greatfully accepts the sudden revenge sex and promises him she is on BC....because she is secretly plotting to have another child even though ....she somehow knows that he wants to leave.

 

And .and...then!! She doesnt tell him!!!! Its a SECRET! She is afraid.

 

OP - You state that this guys wife "played him like a fiddle" while he "played you like a violin" .....Its as though you believe that although he lied to you , it was because his wife was manipulating him.

 

Like he is a victim of his wife and you ended up getting hurt.

[Patrice]

Write the e-mail, and know he probably won't stop trying to contact you.

That's how this goes ... you'll need to make it a clean break, don't get talked back in - no matter what he tells you. They say a lot of things that aren't true, when they are caught having to make a choice of their own. It should be black or white to you at this point, he is damaging your self respect, preventing you from moving on with other potential good men, that in the end should tell you - he is putting himself above you and your needs - that isn't love ... hugs, keep writing ... xo

[Owl]

OP, here are my thoughts.

 

First, you've already come to the "right conclusions" yourself. He's not going to leave her, he's not going to change. And...as long as you're "with him" in any fashion...you're not going to either.

 

In other words...the affair is what he wants. He has TWO women 'providing' for him. His wife meets some subset of his wants/needs in his life...and you meet some smaller subset as well. She's his "wife"...domestic partner, mother of his children, long-time attachment fulfiller. You're his "mistress"...you meet his desire for "strange", you provide the illicit excitement that he doesn't have in his "mundane marriage", and in some way you're a confidant because he has nothing to lose by telling you things that might drive others (his wife) away.

 

What he's NOT looking for is for either of the two women in his life to fulfill BOTH of those roles.

 

And while you're involved in the affair with him...you're not willing to open yourself up to possibilities with other men...that might potentially be the "ONE" you're really looking for.

 

Bottom line is simple...if this is all acceptable and OK for you...then change nothing.

 

If it's not...then YOU need to instigate change.

 

Change in this case is ending the affair. Tell him it's over. Remove him from your life. Prevent him from intruding back into your life. Take ACTIVE MEASURES to prevent him from casually waltzing back in. Take time to grieve the end of that relationship. Fill your time and energy with something else until you find yourself healing.

 

But...it all starts with deciding what you want. What's your GOAL. Find your goal. Then develop a plan to reach your goal.

 

After that...it's just working your plan.

 

Hope this makes sense.

 

It starts with a choice.

[WritingDiva]

2Sure:

Interesting reply and I certainly didn't mean it that way or think that. I merely meant that she knew exactly what she was doing from the time he apparently "stopped" having sex with her b/c he was with me, and it worked to her advantage when he eventually had sex with her.

 

I think she had been planning on getting pregnant the entire time in an effort to save her marriage. Any woman can produce a packet of BC if she's on it. Even if its empty and needing refills. She totally planned this out. She might be turning a blind eye, but she's a smart cookie. She got herself pregnant knowing that appearances are everything in their family and culture and I do believe she did it to keep him. I can't blame her for trying to save her marriage, and I certainly have NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT, but my personal opinion on how she went about getting pregnant is a disservice to the baby who didn't ask to be here. And really the only impact the pregnancy has on me personally, is it's the catalyst for me to waking up and realizing that this is NOT worth the headache and heartache, that I'm having. I digressed...

 

But as Pierre likes to say, my poor choice and decision making. I feel I have no one to blame but myself... and that's difficult for me b/c I am smarter and better than this. And please don't think I mean that in an arrogant way. I just deserve better than this and to give my time, attention and love to someone who can whole-heartedly give me the same in return (just as all the others on this forum who have been the OW/M deserve). BTW, does OP mean other person?

 

Patrice:

Thank you thank you thank you for saying what I really needed to hear.

[WritingDiva]

I was terribly afraid of some of the negative comments I might get, but I'm finding everything everyone is saying to be so valuable and helfup and certainly helping me gain the strength to tell him to get going and don't come back.

 

LadyGery & Owl:

I loved everything you both had to say. Right on point as was SkyWriter earlier. This isn't acceptable to me. I don't want this for myself. I want more from a relationship and a partner. And I definitely did not ever want to find myself pregnant with his baby or anyone else's w/o a partner to be there for me. Please, please don't think that I've not thought about what he's doing to his wife and family. I just didn't have the will power to do anything about it until now.

[2sure]

2Sure:

... merely meant that she knew exactly what she was doing from the time he apparently "stopped" having sex with her b/c he was with me, and it worked to her advantage when he eventually had sex with her.

 

I think she had been planning on getting pregnant the entire time in an effort to save her marriage. Any woman can produce a packet of BC if she's on it. Even if its empty and needing refills. She totally planned this out. She might be turning a blind eye, but she's a smart cookie. She got herself pregnant knowing that appearances are everything in their family and culture and I do believe she did it to keep him. I can't blame her for trying to save her marriage, and I certainly have NO RIGHT TO PASS JUDGEMENT, but my personal opinion on how she went about getting pregnant is a disservice to the baby who didn't ask to be here. And really the only impact the pregnancy has on me personally, is it's the catalyst for me to waking up and realizing that this is NOT worth the headache and heartache, that I'm having. I digressed...

 

I guess what surprises me is that you think any of what he has said, all along, about his wife is true. Because if you read the posts here by other OW , former OW, and BS - such as your friend...Its almost always just crazy stuff they make up.

 

And, I get that the only thing that concerns you is that you have a catalyst for leaving ....But the headache and heartache you are having....many of us have found that once we realize the truth and the scope, the Real.......its a lot easier to move on and grow.

[WritingDiva]

Correct, no proof on how the actual pregnancy came about (aside from the obvious). I knew I should have walked then and I have no excuse as why I stayed truthfully.

 

Its sad and i just feel like the biggest fool.

[skywriter]

He tells me he went that night and slept with his wife for the first time in months

 

That was a cruel and manipulative way to make a point. Particularly when you are single and only going on with your life.

 

Despite my gut telling me "he'll never leave and you know it." I had even told him that on numerous occasions, only to hear the same hem and haw speech.

 

If you are ready to move on, change your way of thinking. Continue to listen to your gut, it's telling you what your brain isn't willing to listen to.

 

It's time to be all about you. He's all about himself and his family, and that's ok, but you shouldn't be expected to sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by waiting for him, when he's where he chooses to be.

[WritingDiva]

[quote

I guess what surprises me is that you think any of what he has said, all along, about his wife is true. Because if you read the posts here by other OW , former OW, and BS - such as your friend...Its almost always just crazy stuff they make up.

 

And, I get that the only thing that concerns you is that you have a catalyst for leaving ....But the headache and heartache you are having....many of us have found that once we realize the truth and the scope, the Real.......its a lot easier to move on and grow.

 

Thanks 2Sure for your closing para. Like I said, I just never doubted what he told me and I don't know why aside from the fact that he's an excellent story teller.

[WritingDiva]

 

If you are ready to move on, change your way of thinking. Continue to listen to your gut, it's telling you what your brain isn't willing to listen to.

 

It's time to be all about you. He's all about himself and his family, and that's ok, but you shouldn't be expected to sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by waiting for him, when he's where he chooses to be.

 

Thank you.... you're absolutely right.

[jennifernyc84]

Correct, no proof on how the actual pregnancy came about (aside from the obvious). I knew I should have walked then and I have no excuse as why I stayed truthfully.

 

Its sad and i just feel like the biggest fool.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. So you made a mistake. Most of us here have. That's why we are here. To listen to each other.

 

I know it hurts. I can't imagine how bad it feels to see his new born baby. I'm dirty you have to go thru that, but honestly, think of how his wife would feel. She went thru an entire pregnancy, with her husband sleeping with another woman. Does she know of the affair?

[jennifernyc84]

[quote

I guess what surprises me is that you think any of what he has said, all along, about his wife is true. Because if you read the posts here by other OW , former OW, and BS - such as your friend...Its almost always just crazy stuff they make up.

 

And, I get that the only thing that concerns you is that you have a catalyst for leaving ....But the headache and heartache you are having....many of us have found that once we realize the truth and the scope, the Real.......its a lot easier to move on and grow.

 

Thanks 2Sure for your closing para. Like I said, I just never doubted what he told me and I don't know why aside from the fact that he's an excellent story teller.

 

I guess they all are...

[WritingDiva]

Don't be so hard on yourself. So you made a mistake. Most of us here have. That's why we are here. To listen to each other.

 

I know it hurts. I can't imagine how bad it feels to see his new born baby. I'm dirty you have to go thru that, but honestly, think of how his wife would feel. She went thru an entire pregnancy, with her husband sleeping with another woman. Does she know of the affair?

 

To my knowledge no. He says no and I've always asserted "how could she not?".

 

And I know. I've felt/feel terrible. And I felt like the most wretched person when he sent the photo. I said she's beautiful, but then promptly deleted the photo and tried to keep my lunch down. It's like I want to be angry at the wife and the baby but it's not them and I'm really angry at him and more so at myself.