Dagorath Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Six months ago I traveled to a city 200 miles away from where i'm going to college to do the Warrior Dash. We were at his girlfriend's house picking her up when her room mate walked out of her room with a guy. She was this smoking hot little 20 year old, and I am 25 currently. Anyways, 3 weeks later we get into contact through facebook. After the Warrior Dash I had posted a picture of my muddy self on her laptop as a joke. It was her birthday and my buddy (the same one) invited me to go to the lake and wakeboard and drink - it sounded like a blast. He also mentioned that this girl had been talking about me a lot, and had specifically wanted me to go. The next time we hung out I came up with that same buddy for his girlfriend's birthday and she was there and single. We hit it off in the pool and made out. That night we stayed in her room, but she made me wait. I hung out for a few days, and on the last day we hooked up and it was great. What ensued was a relationship full of texting, getting to know eachother, and visits every week to hang out and party, go to the creek, go to the lake, etc. It was a great couple of months and while I enjoyed her character greatly, and was captivated by her beauty - I was tenative being as she was 20 and lived far away from me. Still we pursued it. In August just before school started up she asked me, "What we were?" Tentative still, I told her we should wait to see if we will have time for eachother when school starts before we put a label on it, and all the pressure that comes with that. So school started and she switched her work schedule to have Friday's off, and friday was kind of our day. I came down to see her, and she came to see me on rare occasions. We had seen eachother every week but I noticed that after the first time we had to spend 4 weeks apart, she had grown discouraged. We took turns encouraging eachother that it would work, and maintained a healthy enfatuation for one another. Still, I was tentative and didn't put a label on it. I throw a big party every month where I live and I had invited her and she had plans to come. At the last minute she bailed, citing her reason has money problems and work the next morning. An important note is that I work at 4am on Saturday's and I had been going to see her and just staying up and driving back. I had really grown to enjoy time with her, and even if she was unable to have sex that week, I still went to hang out. That was a red flag, because that same week she became very distant, taking most of the day to return my texts, which was a trend I had seen in the past. Typically distancing means there is something array, and the relationship is headed towards an inevitable doom. Still I was invested at this point and I didn't want to lose her. At best, I had told her that I missed her, and we still didn't have a label. That next week, the same buddy invited me to a football game and I wasn't sure if I could go because I worked that day. He mentioned that this girl was going, and so I found a way to get it off. I decided to surprise her with flowers. So I went down there that Sunday with excitement and surprised her with flowers. Unfortunately, she didn't seem as surprised as I had hoped. In my mind I had imagined her jumping on me and hugging me like she would have in the old days. Still, I figured she was tired from work. That night we had amazingly passionate sex, and we had a conversation before she went to bed. I was ready to commit to her and so I wanted to make sure I knew enough about her past. I knew she still talked to her exes and I just wanted to understand what had happened with them. I was admittedly paranoid given the red flags for the past week - the distance and the dodging of time and ability to hang out. Further, I saw it as a red flag that she claimed money as an issue and found $50 to go see a football game the next week. So we talked, but she fell asleep early. At this point, I'm just wondering if I can trust what she has to say. So I fall asleep. In the morning, amidst paranoia and a past I can't seem to shake, I made a terrible mistake. I looked through her phone to verify that her relationship with her exes was consistant with what she had said. It was a ****ty thing to do, and I know that. At the end of the day, I told her what I had done. I expressed concern over some things, apologized - and ensured to her that it's not something I do, or want to do and that I had been paranoid because she had been distant. I asked her if she still wanted to do this even though it was long distance. She was obviously upset at the breach of trust and invasion of her social life. I told her that I just wanted to know that I was some kind of priority and that she wasn't going to dodge the chance to see me like she had in the past couple of weeks. That I made every effort to come see her, etc. She told me that she had been distant because she took on a new task at work and couldn't see me on Fridays anymore. Which made a lot of sense - and made me feel like a complete piece of **** for being so invasive - lesson learned. We parted ways that night, and I had to drive back to where I live. The next day I told her that I know she is busy and that after the semester is over we will have time again (the end of the semester was 6 weeks away). I told her that as long as we had a title I didn't care about her exes. In retrospect, I kind of put an ultimatum on the situation which probably drove her away - but it was the same ultimatum she put on me months before so it seemed natural to me, and more of a concession than a demand. Still, I told her to think about it. That night she called me and we ended it. She said I was getting impatient and she was into work and school and wasn't sure she would have time for. I have always respected her pursuit of a future and even told her in August that we are not allowed to miss class for one another. She told me that she had been prepared for a committment early on, but that I had been cold and tentative and made her feel like just a piece of ass. Subsequently, she had closed the door - kind of. I mean, if that was the case why didn't she just end it back when she closed the door? Instead she left it open practically begging for me to committ by keeping me close. If she wanted to end it, why did we have passionate sex and cuddle on the last night? Far as I knew **** was kosher and I just had to stop being afraid. I felt that I had tested the waters and it was time.. but to her, that time had passed. Again, why didn't she tell me that earlier. Anyways - we are broken up, or ended or whatever - since we never had a title... We had stopped refraining from f***ing other people I guess. So i'm feeling guilty for basically treating her like a piece of ass when she was so into me. So I decide i'm going to go all out with a grand gesture. I had told her once that I am an artist and I draw the names of girls I like in graphitti all fancy and graphic and then give it to them. She had asked once if she would get her name, and I said maybe. So I kept in touch with her and kept it friendly. Tried to show her that I wasn't going to be a puss about the break up and that I could handle it. On the side, and in secret, I worked on this drawing. Two weeks later, I finished. I was in the city she lived in anyways visiting family and so I texted her and asked her if we could grab dinner and that I had something for her. She declined saying she had plans, etc. I asked her if I could just stop by then, repeating that I had something for her. When I got there she was dressed for bed, leading me to believe the first excuse was a lie. Anyways, I gave her the picture and I kind of poured my heart out. I told her how much she meant to me and how I had been tentative in part because of what difficulty we faced, but also because admitting love to a girl often chases them away... Much to my surprise she was cold as a block of ice. I asked her to open up and she said emotions are weakness. She told me without reluctance that she had decided to go back to her ex. When i had looked through her phone, I asked her about talking to him, and she said they had just started talking again. I pleaded with her not to go back to the guy who totally ****ed her over - insisting that I was a better man, and that if she wanted to get over him, she should find someone better - a.k.a. me... Still, she was young and stubborn, and everything fell on deaf ears. She played it real tough, fighting back tears as I told her how I feel, but she gave me nothing in return. I left that night calm and somber, just thinking about what had just happened. I didn't regret giving her the picture, because it had always been an apology an a gesture to show her that I care. In a way, making it was a sort of closure. So I tell her not to be a stranger, and i'm trying to be tough. I drive home, and I don't text her anymore. The next day at work, I'm just thinking and thinking, and connecting all the dots. The way her ex had left in May, and the way he mysterously came back the same week she had been distant. I allowed my paranoia to take me to a negative place and assumed the worst. She asked how I was that day, and if I was ok. I said I'd live, and that I was hurt and felt stupid that I gave in and poured my heart out to get nothing in return. I criticized her for going back to her ex, and told her again how much of a mistake it was. I told her that I didn't take back the things I had said to her, and that I still felt that way. I criticized her for giving me so much sh** for being tentative in the beginning when she was the same way in the end. I told her that it seemed like she didn't care at all, and hasn't for some time - and that that really sucked. I kind of politely bitcher out and assumed she wouldn't respond, like so many of my exes. She responded the next day casually saying that she cared, and it sucked... That I was one of the most amazing people she ever met, and that she didn't deserve the drawing even though it was amazing. She said she had to find out for sure it wasn't going to work with her ex, even though she knew she was going to be hurt. She said she was a **** bag for all of this, and that she hopes we stay in touch, and that she looks forward to my texts. At this point I was pissed, because of the nature of the text. I hate when people sugar coat ****, and I saw a trend happening. This girl has only been with 4 guys, and she is still in contact with them all.. closely. In reading her texts to them, I can tell they still hang out, and that there is almost a flirtatious nature. I don't assume she sleeps with them, or did when I was with her, but what she does do is rely heavily on them emotionally, and I would even argue that she exploits that connection. She told me in particular that two of them are still in love with her. I found her text to be maddeningly disingenious. I mean I was looking for some kind of substance, some kind of, "I did love you back, I did care for you, I will miss you.. " Something.. not just.. "I totally care! :D" That's not exactly what she said, but that's the nature of the text. So I blew up at her. I said she lies to save face. I said that if she cared the thought of me with other girls would bother her. That if she thought I was amazing, she would fight for me. I told her that I felt like a filler until her ex came back and how stupid it was for her to go back (again). In this series of texts I was outright vicious. After the first time we had called it quits she told me twice that her friend thinks I am hot and is moving to where I live. I didn't realize it at the time, but in light of what I found out about her ex, she seemed to be saying, "move on, get over me, Eric is back... here's my friend." I found that infuriating, and further proof that she had never invested in me. Not to mention that when I had given her the picture she got interrupted by one of her other exes with a phone call. The whole thing just bothers me because of how it went down. I was tentative, and rightfully so. When we broke up I was hard on myself, telling myself that I messed it up and that my pessimism in the beginning had made for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now I felt like I was right the whole time! And I was furious! I was really blunt and even mean, and in retrospect I think I was just trying to evoke some emotion out of her cold callus behavior towards me thus far. I concluded that I wouldn't be there as a fall-back for when her ex inevitably screws her over again. I told her that I had been right about being tentative because she is still young and stupid. I told her that she thinks she is very mature, but she's not... I told her that actions and choices carry consequence, and that I wasn't going to wait around. I told her, "Let me help you grow up a little. Actions carry consequences, and you have chosen to give up on me for your ****ty ex who has done more to disregard you than anyone else ever has. Well that's your choice, but you don't get to keep me around for emotional support. You don't get to keep me around as a fall-back so when things fall through with him, you can try again with me. Life has consequence and you have lost me. My texts, my words, my thoughts, my kiss, my touch - they are all gone. They go with me." At the time I felt very justified, but now I feel pretty ****ty about it. Considering most of it was just anger and emotional response, trying to get some response out of her - I feel downright foolish. At the time I did it because I didn't want to get walked on, but now I feel like I have painted myself out as a huge puss. Why do I care? I'm not entirely sure. I guess in a sick way I want for her to want me back. Just so I can put that wall back up and be as cold to her as she was to me. My biggest thing is that I don't know if her actions are a symptom of youth. She is an awesome chick, with huge insecurities that prompt her to seek the favor of a guy who is a total ******* to her. In a way, I feel like I shouldn't have gone off on her because I didn't just close the door - I slammed it to try to break her nose; metaphorically speaking of course. This may be a mistake. In any case, I'm trying to move on, but I still think about her at night. I try not to entertain any delusions of her coming back, because I don't know that I would even take her back. Still, thinking of her with her ex still boils my blood and makes my heart race when i'm trying to sleep. I have broken all contact since, but maintain friendship on Facebook. I guess I want her to see that I can take it, and I want her to see me move on - which I will. Still, I feel like a bitch for the way I handled the last part. People say you should take rejection in stride, like a water falling from a duck.. I'm not sure if this was rejection though. I mean I already had her, I think this was more of her leading me on, only to turn away once I had given in... I feel like she pulled one over on me. In any case, i'm going to move forward and try to learn from it.. Three things mainly. 1) Never resort to invasive jealous paranoid ****. If you see red flags, confront her about those flags, or just break it off. 2) Always be suspcious of young girls. They just don't know what they are doing. 3) Long distance is too much work at this age. Anyways.. I guess down to the questions for those still reading: Do you think I should have stayed in contact? What were my biggest mistakes? How can I prevent them? Were my actions justified? I have always been a man of self-reflection. I hate to repeat my mistakes, and I hate the baggage from my past. I'm always looking to change, grow and learn as a person. Thanks!
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