This might be nothing but.....

[kiababy]

In the wee hours of Monday morning something odd happened, I welcome some feedback - but skip the nasty comments please. Around 2:00 a.m. my phone rang. I was asleep at the time and first thought it was MM looking to be 'rescued' from a bar again. But it was the long-distance ring, and when I checked the number it was from an area far north from where I live. I answered and it sounded like the call was coming from a car, with loud music playing. I said 'hello' several times and there was no answer...the person listened but said nothing. I finally hung up. About half an hour later, the phone rang again - same thing, a cell phone in a car with music in the background and no answer. Again I hung up. The phone rang a third time half an hour after that - this time it sounded like it came from inside a house. I hung up again.

 

In the morning I checked my call dispay. The first two were long distance but the third one was not long distance, but was from closer to home. The numbers were not blocked out - I have Call Privacy on my home phone - if you do not key in your phone number my phone will not ring. My cell phone was forwarded to my home number so I don't know whether they called my cell or my home directly.

 

I thought it was nothing but it bothered me enough - mainly because they said nothing, just listened to my voice - that when my cousin called me in the afternoon I mentioned it. My cousin is the person in my family I am closest to, kind of like a sister, but she lives in the U.S. Well she knows about my relationship with MM and is not happy about it but doesn't lecture me anymore. Anyway, she was worried about the calls because her fear is that his wife may suspect something - she HAS to be suspicious - he was caught cheating last October when one of his former girlfriends called HER.

 

So my cousin asked me for the numbers and called the first number back - she told me afterwards that a woman answered and when my cousin launched into her about why the f**k someone was calling her cousin in the middle of the night the woman didn't say 'What are you talking about' or 'You're crazy'....she just said uh-huh......

 

Anyway, my cousin told her that either she or HER MAN better stop calling me - and if it happened again she would come up here from Washington - with 'friends' and straighten them out......

 

She said the woman sounded nervous and said O.K., then my cousin hung up.......

 

We talked about it at length after - if someone called you and said 'why are you calling my cousin in the middle of the night?' and then started YELLING at you - would you not either tell them they were crazy or something, anything...instead of just saying 'uh-huh'?

 

I looked up the phone number in the reverse directory on the internet, it's from a cell phone registered about an hour north of me. It did not come from my MM's home town, and he and his wife were not up north over the weekend. My cousin came up with this possible scenario:

 

- his wife knows SOMETHING is up with him

- she uses his new cell phone because it has text messaging on it - and came across my number - he told me it was on speed dial, but with no name attached

- she told a friend about it and the friend offered to call my number and see who answered, because then it wouldn't come from their home number

- the friend couldn't *67 their number because Call Privacy prevents private number calls from going through to my phone, and they figured I don't know them so it wouldn't matter

 

I was initially annoyed but now I'm a little freaked out about it.

 

I wanted to mention it to MM today but I had my sons in the car when he called and couldn't talk freely.

 

Of course it may be absolutely nothing but I can't help but wonder. Tomorrow I plan to mention it to him and see what he says.

 

Any thoughts guys?

[Pocky]

We talked about it at length after - if someone called you and said 'why are you calling my cousin in the middle of the night?' and then started YELLING at you - would you not either tell them they were crazy or something, anything...instead of just saying 'uh-huh'?

 

Actually, if I got a random call with someone yelling at me about calling their cousin the middle of the night I'd probably say.."uh......ok......uh......."

[morgana]

that is kind of spooky and i'm not sure how i'd react either in your position or being the one called and yelled at. my guy's wife has sent me a few nasty-grams from his email account in the middle of the night. wish she'd send it from her's i would have loved to have had the chance to respond.

have you or anyone heard of "shareyourexperience.com"? after my guy's wife found out and she threatened to have me followed i started getting emails from this website saying that someone was searching for info. on me. checked out the site and it's hard to tell anything from it and i wondered if it was just a scam.

what happened to you would have made me really nervous though. being alone and having things like that happen is scary.

[Pained]

Next time you see your MM, cheerfully inform him of what happened, and let him know that you are seeking legal counsel to help put a definite end to it. If it was him or his wife, it probably won't happen again.

 

Your cousin sounds nifty.

[kiababy]

Morgana - you're right, when you live along (my sons are only 14 and 11), anything like that is really scary.

 

Pocky - but you would have hung up right? This woman just listened to my cousin yelling at her.......my cousin ended up hanging up, just like I did the night before.....

 

Pained - yes, my cousin ROCKS! I wish she lived closer It definitely wasn't my MM - he has called me in the middle of the night drunk lots of times , because he's calling me to come and pick him up.

[kiababy]

after my guy's wife found out and she threatened to have me followed i started getting emails from this website saying that someone was searching for info. on me. checked out the site and it's hard to tell anything from it and i wondered if it was just a scam.

 

Holy cow girl! What happened after that??

[morgana]

nothing that i know of, i think they were just idle threats and since i live 100s of miles away from my MM she wouldn't have found much of interest in having me followed. so if she did have me followed i'm sure the PI probably fell asleep in his car waiting for something interesting to happen!

still haven't figured out anything about that web site though and if you try to respond to any of the inquires looking for info about you it asks you to pay money for the service. so i have my doubts but in any case it was kind of freaky that it happened just weeks after the sh** hit the fan. still, i'd actually love to talk to her and i told him that. not to apologize but just to find out her side of everything. there really are two sides and i suspect her version would be drastically different. but since that will probably never happen.....

[kiababy]

Morgana, I just read your new post about whether you should make MM tell you in person what he said over the phone, so now I know your story. My stomach is in knots because I see myself in every situation I read about where the guy breaks it off....after professing his undying love.

 

My MM has said he is NEVER LEAVING ME - HA! The sad truth is there is no benefit whatsoever for the two of us to be together. What we have right now is all it can ever be. Today I really do want out. I was thinking about using the mystery phone calls as my reason to end it now.

 

I also thought that maybe the reason for 3 phone calls is because after the first one, whoever it is that called wanted to be sure that the phone number belonged to a WOMAN, not some buddy or co-worker of his...so maybe they called back twice more to see if a guy ever answered, or whether I would call a guy to the phone.

[morgana]

kiababy - it's been a bit of a gutwrenching day between dealing with this and political games at work. i still want to go see him. checked plane times, hotel rates, car rental the whole deal but haven't made any reservations. i never had the impression that what we had was all it would ever be, in fact he said he looked forward to the time when we would be able to wake up next to each other every day and do stupid things like grocery shopping and such. i miss him terribly and just don't feel any closure to this. ok... so i'm a counselor and that's one of those counseling things! i'm also the type of person who needs to see things to believe it. i need to see in his eyes that it really is over before i believe it. stupid maybe, but... that's fortunately or unfortunately who i am! i know i'll chicken out and won't go but it's just so tempting.

[kiababy]

Morgana, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're entitled to have every emotion you're experiencing, what those who haven't been in our shoes don't understand is that no matter how temporary the relationship turns out to be - the emotions and feelings involved are 100% real.

 

Would it make you feel better to write down everything you want to say to him? I know that won't give you the closure you'd get if you got to see his eyes, but maybe it will give you some reief.

 

I'm still bothered by the phone calls and even more so because I haven't had a chance to mention them to him. When he called yesterday I was out with my kids and couldn't talk. He said he'd talk to me today but I never heard from him. I think that's a bad sign because unlike all of the other guys I've had in my life - he is ALWAYS reliable. If he says he'll call, he'll call. Even if it's a brief text message, I always hear from him.

 

I can only speculate that the s**t has hit the fan. It's a real possibility considering the strange phone calls....

 

My kids aren't home tonight so I don't even have them here to help take my mind off of this. Well.....a month or so ago I stopped seeing the two other guys I was involved with besides him - in order to spend more time with my precious MM .......tonight I was a wreck thinking about everything going on ....so I called one of them . The younger one (of course), beccause I didnt have to bother explaining why I stopped seeing him in the first place. I feel a tiny bit better after having some company. If there is major drama coming from MM - I won't stick around for any fireworks. If his wife has somehow found out, then I'm done. He won't have to break up with me - I quit.

[morgana]

kiababy - i hope that everything is ok and maybe it was just a fluke that he couldn't called. but the phone calls could be something. my MMs wife first had asked him why he was emailing so much, he has a blackberry so can email from anywhere and he did. well i guess the email isn't very protected on them....wish i'd known. so i woke up one morning to a message from his account that simply said "f*** you" and then the sh*t hit the fan several days later.

 

i know it has to be awful for them to have to be confronted with it but...my they made their bed. so did we. and if you have the strength to get out then, and you really think you want to, getting out is a good idea. since mine found out things have been on a downward spiral since she did everything she could to cut his contact with me. i still don't understand why it mattered to her. no intamacy for years and when you repeatedly tell someone "i hate the sight of you" "i cringe when you walk in the room" "i'm leaving this summer" what do you expect? i knew when i pushed my ex away and was a real b*tch that i was asking for trouble and i was hoping it would make it easier for me to walk out, it did. guess i assumed she was doing the same.

 

sounds like you had an interesting evening. i haven't dated anyone other than my MM since jan. and as much as i'd love to have someone around, i'm not sure i could let myself be that vulnerable again. need to deal with this sh*t first.

 

hopefully you'll hear from him today to at least know what's going on. not knowing and not being ablet to be or get in touch is awful.

[fanou22]

Hang in there Kia

I am sure you will find out soon enough.

[kiababy]

Morgana, I agree that makes no sense that your MM's wife would be so angry with you IF it's true that she has been telling him repeatedly that she was going to leave him. But then my previous MM was also living in his basement and made it sound like his wife hated him....only recently did he tell me the truth about that situation - that he wandered upstairs from the basement on occasion......

 

Think about it though hon - angry frustrated wife, finds an email from someone else, starts thinking that maybe you're getting things out of him that she isn't - you know how OW tend to get the 'best' part of the MM? I hate my ex husband but finding something like that would have pissed me off too - especially if I thought that she was being treated better than me. Just a thought.

 

First thing this morning MM text messaged me. He said he was sorry about yesterday, but his truck is in the shop so he has to work with his boss all day. His boss already knows about me, but since both the truck and his cell are provided and paid for by the boss....he couldn't exactly spend the day talking to me on the phone. His boss dropped him home after work and he and the wife had to go apartment hunting because they're moving at the end of the month.

 

Still no chance to talk to him about the phone calls But sounds like everything is O.K. with him.

 

I'm not exactly 'dating' the guy that came over last night - he was my trainer at the gym very briefly before we started fooling around. That's all it is. I'm as bad as my MM - I want sex when I'm stressed too.

[morgana]

kiababy -

funny when i was married and stressed sex never crossed my mind but now.... of course it probably had something to do with the fact that he was the one stressing me out! glad everything ended up ok but i hope you get a chance to talk to him about the calls and at least let him know what might be up so he can be prepared, just in case.

i know my MMs wife had every right to be pissed odd thing was, i wasn't when i found out. well, i was but not for the reason anyone thought. i was pissed because my ex had been wandering around playing the martyr and milking the "my wife asked me for a divorce" bit for everything it was worth. so i was pissed he was making me out as the bad guy. i was not exactly nice to my ex about the fact that he was painting me as this awful person who had hurt him terribly...meanwhile he's be out most of the night and would spend most of the rest of his time in the evenings behind closed doors, candles burning on the phone with her...with me in the next room! i answered his cell once when she called....just to be a pain in the butt. i was nice enough and just said i'd go to get him. somewhat mean but worth the satisfaction of seeing the look on his face when i brought him the phone and told him it was her and of course when i answered she was just a little shocked. i got yelled at for answering his phone. oh well!!!!

 

as for my MM treating me better than his wife... he's an incredible nice, sweet person and i know they were and maybe still are nasty to each other but it wasn't like he was taking me places and whatever. i loved talking to him and the messages he'd leave me and the emails are definitely something i'll cherish for a long time. maybe someday i'll be able to delete them but not yet. any time that we spent together one of us was traveling on business so it wasn't even like we were having expensive dinners or going fancy places. he bought me two nice pairs of earrings but that's about it. i think in time he would have taken me places, but we didn't have long enough to get to that point. over the years i think he tried to do a bunch of things to save his marriage and bring them closer together, none of which seemed to work, and finally gave up. maybe his giving up and moving on was also what pissed her off, she was no longer hurting him with her words he had taken control of his life... and, i don't know....

 

it was so hard not to try to get in touch with him but i don't think he was in his office today anyway. i just figure i'll take things one day at a time. i did forward him an e-coupon for borders today since i know he reads a lot but didn't put any message with it...just the coupon. probably shouldn't have but too late.....

 

anyway, hope you get a chance to talk to your guy soon and hope things don't get too messy for you if it was his wife.

[kiababy]

Hey thanks hon, I hope I get to finally talk to him tomorrow about it, but I'm not sure how incredibly important it is. You know...I think she must know. She has to. The problem with this relationship is she is tiny and he is a bg guy. I don't mean he's big as in fat...I mean -BIG- and she says having sex with him 'hurts' her. She even asked him to consider having a penis reduction!!!! How do you like that one for a loving wife trying to work things out with her man!!!! For the record it hurts me too, but there are ways to make it more comfortable, you know?

 

So...he told me that it does not make him LOVE HER ANY LESS - that's a very crucial fact that I learned very early on, before we were really in a 'relationship'. But recently he told me that although he still loves her, he realizes his sex life with her will NEVER be good, and that he settled for something less that what he needs. They still do have sex, I'm not under any misconception about that.

 

He actually said he wants both of us in his life - her and me. Ridiculous huh? He jokes a lot about telling her that his doctor gave him a prescription with my name on it....and that he has to have continuous 'doses' of me in order to stay healthy....hmmmm.....

 

I have actually been in his house and saw her picture. She was away one weekend and he wanted me to come over - to see what it would be like if we were together. I saw pictures of her and she's really cute - as I knew she would be. She looks sweet and pretty, and if he loves her, how can I feel anything negative towards her? I guess the only thing that really bothers me about her is her rejection of him as a man. If she only knew how much and how deeply it 'hurts' him emotionally, as much as intimacy hurts her physically.

 

I think that's great you answered your ex's cell phone when she called - hilarious! My ex did that same 'poor me' s**t when I left him, but he went about it like a b**ch

[TheFaithfulWife]

Kiababy,

 

Ever given the thought to maybe the call being from the wife wanting to talk to the other woman but her sobbing so hard she could'nt speak?

 

Yeah I have been in her shoes.

 

After my husband cheated and I found out the first thing I wanted to do was call her and find out why it happened.

 

I found out that my husband had told her I didn't love him anymore (Not true) , that I wanted to abandon my five boys and leave them with him (also not true)

 

He was under a misconception that stemmed from our one daughter dying while in his care. He thought I blamed him and the guilt was eating him up.

 

There are so many wives out there who are genuinely surprised to find out that their husbands are cheating, things seem normal to them but their husbands have a whole other perspective of what is happening.

 

We have been back together for a year and a half now, and with counseling have learned to communicate these feelings we have to each other. No more misunderstandings!

 

I wasn't sure whether to celebrate our 19 th anniversary this year, it seems like we should'nt as we were apart for 6 months and he was seeing others during that time.

 

I was very upset with the OW for the first six months we were back together but now I see that she was a victim of the miscommunication between me and my husband.

 

Just a word of advice to the OW

a comment made can be misconstrued .. The husband walks across a freshly mopped floor with muddy feet and the wife yells " will you get out of here!" He doe's not realize the floor was just mopped and take it as being rejection.

What the husband hears and how he takes it can depend on his mood at the time and also how secure he is feeling at the moment.

 

I can never condone a cheater nor the person that he is cheating with, but I do have thank the OW involved in our case, for after I told her I loved him, she told him to go back and fix his marriage and only return if it was truly over.

 

It has cost us 8000 a year in counseling but it has been worth every penny, we rediscovered each other and found that we are again like newlyweds.

 

Just wanted to voice my thoughts

 

The Faithful Wife

[morgana]

for what it's worth, it seems like you guys have an understanding and that he's honest about his feelings for his wife. as far as i know, mine has been too. just the way he talked about her and the emails i'd get filled with frustration about things.... i'm sure he still has some feelings for her on some level but as he said, he wouldn't call it love. who knows by know though. i don't think they've had sex for years....she shut him down. but again... who knows how their reconciliation is going. i just keep thinking about all the things he told me about her reactions to things and their life together and it puzzles me even more. he called me one night on his way home from the airport and had skidded out and hit a few trees and totalled his car. i almost freaked, his wife's 1st comment wasn't "are you ok" but more along the lines of "sh*t the insurance is going to go up." maybe i just need to stop trying to figure it out before it drives me crazy.

 

at least i finally got back out skating today...my great stress release. but over the past week as i've seen this coming i was afraid to go. i skate along a river and thought it might be a little tooooo tempting to jump in...so i stayed away. felt good to go this morning it's always so peaceful and gives me a chance to just be.... by myself with my music. i know it will be a long time before i don't feel an overwhelming urge to pick up the phone. he's been such a part of my life and my best friend for months and it's just really really weird to not talk to him.

 

so, i'm glad you and the others are here. ya know, i went to therapy a number of years ago mostly to deal with the cancer, paid someone $120 an hour and writing to others here and reading their stories has been so much more helpful --- and free! who knows where things will go from here but somehow knowing that there are others out there dealing with some of the same issues is comforting.

[kiababy]

Faithful wife - thank you for your post. You seem like a lovely, thoughtful person. I'm glad you and your husband are back together and hope you're happy for years to come. When I got the phone calls the other night there was no one sobbing in the background, just the sound of loud music in a car. I really don't think it was his wife - probably a friend of hers. I checked out which are the phone number was registered to, and it's from a town that I know for a fact she has friends in - because that's where she's been to visit the two weekends that she's gone away without him.

 

Also, his cheating would not be a shock to her. One of his previous women called his wife last fall. She's not going anywhere. I really appreciate your comments on men misconstruing women's words as criticism or rejection. One of the things that always seems to surprise my MM is that I don't get annoyed over little things. O.K. to be fair - things that are little to me. But he says things like: 'You would never reject me, would you?' and it'll be about the smallest issue. So, I think he's oversensitive to being rejected in any way. I will never call her under any circumstances, ever. Their badly troubled relationship is his - and her - issue to resolve. I love him very much but have no plan or intention to break them up. I never thought I would be here but here I am.

 

Morgana - I do hope you were only joking with that comment you made about jumping into the river - no one is worth ending your life over, but I'm sure you know that. Especially being a cancer survivor, you're life is worth so much! I didn't have cancer but I had two tumors that caused me to have a hysterectomy 3 years ago, life is so short and so precious.

 

This site is so much better than therapy - I tried a therapist for 3 months and he didn't help at all. Maybe this is like group therapy, much, much better.

[morgana]

kiababy - joking about the river...yes. i'll admit there have been times over the past week that the thought of waking up in the morning is not a pleasant one. and when i got his final decision, i left work came home, grabbed a 6 pack and spent an hour sobbing on the phone with him. the was the lowest of low points i've ever had and i really wasn't entirely sure how i was going to make it through the next few hours, but my kids keep me grounded even when it's bad and i could never do anything that would cause them that much pain. but when i was talking to him and just trying to understand how we got from "i see a future with you" to "i need to give my marriage one more try" nothing seemed worth it and things were pretty bleak. and although i'd never jump in the river.....i was a little concerned about skating along the edge crying, hitting a rock and fall in. it almost happened once before so i did stay away from the river for a reason but not the reason i was joking about. sorry... didn't mean to sound so.... but i was in bad shape, still am from time to time. but one foot in front of the other.

 

and for the faithful wife - interesting to read your comments. i think we all know that in spite of the fact that OWs may give them something that their wive's can't/won't, i know that may just be that they never asked. i was married for 12 years, 10 of them pretty miserable. and i also know that there are 2 sides to every story and that usually the truth lies somewhere in between. although there are times when I joked with my MM about being perfect, i wasn't deluding myself into thinking that he really was. he's a type A personality and works 7 days a week (although the weekend job i think he took after things got bad at home.... just for something to do). without their kids around i think they have a better shot at working things out than they did with the kids. or maybe i'm all wrong and they'll discover that it really was just the kids keeping then together. so i can see where some of the problems may have come from. it's like this other couple i know that are having problems. both have confided in me and i can see the little things in both of them that they point out and i can see where they drive each other crazy. and it's those little things that all build up and up until someone breaks or completely shuts down. i don't believe that problems in their marriage were anyone in particular's fault...it takes two in all of these situations.

[kiababy]

So sad today - I haven't seen my baby all week. The one day he wanted to see me I was out with my kids and couldn't make it. The rest of the week his truck was in the shop and he had to work with his boss (his wife uses their car for work). He did keep in touch every day via text message, ending with the last one yesterday: "I owe you the biggest lovefest ever baby!", but I feel empty and lonely without our daily 40 minute to an hour talks while he's driving home...and of course our trysts. Damn.

 

I figured the visit from one of my (former) regular lovers would fill the void but it hasn't. MM has always known about the other guys I've had in my life, but it was my choice to stop seeing them, mainly because he said he was having a hard time handling it recently.

 

I was also supposed to go out on a first date last night. I was supposed to call the guy and make arrangements but I purposely called an hour late...I had absolutely no inclination to go out anywhere. My younger son was at a sleepover at his friends so I watched a movie with my older son. It was kind of nice actually, to spend the time with him. To make it up to the new guy I said I would call him this morning, which I did, to see if today would be better. If I don't feel like going out today either, at least I have a really good excuse this time - I fell into my rose bush when my son and I were doing the gardening this morning. It was actually pretty funny: I was wearing the kind of flip-flops with the 3" sole, and I fell completely out of them, ONTO my rose bush, which my neighbour was kind enough to trim down to 12" for me. I scratched up my right forearm and have a nasty cut on my lower back. It hurts like hell.....

 

As each day goes by it becomes less and less important for me to tell him about the two phone calls. If she knows...then so be it. Maybe she's accepted that her man NEEDS MORE SEX than she's willing to give. She doesn't want to lose him so she may not want to rock the boat.

 

I miss him so much.

[morgana]

kiababy -

hope you didn't end up with any thorns stuck in you anyplace!

miss my guy lots today too. we used to talk everyday while he commuted - about an hour each way and then email or phone at work, then talk on the way home then emails in the evenings. it's been hard since his wife found out. first we really cut back on emailing, then she started asking for his cell bills (even though his co. pays the bill) so then i could only talk to him at work. it was so hard to go through a day and not talk to him. hadn't talked to him since monday, since we split and i needed to back off. broke down and called him yesterday, partially to just apologize for the fact that i've been a bit hysterical lately. he was just so sweet and when it got time to hang up i asked him if we wanted me to stop saying "i love you " at the end of the calls since that's how we usually ended and he said no and that he loved me too. made me feel good and broke my heart. i know if will be hard for me to give up if i keep calling and he said it was ok to call him next week too. but i'm so afraid to not be in touch. when i asked how he and his wife were doing he said "no murder or mayhem yet."

 

i still don't want it to be over. and when i talked to him on the phone yesterday, it almost felt like old times. i think he's really torn and i know he cares. i can understand how much you miss your guy cause i miss mine more than i could ever imagine missing someone. i hope he's going to be in town when i'm down his way the end of sept. but that feels so far away. i'd love to see him soon, but i'm pretty sure he'd say "no". i know he's supposed to be working out his marriage but.... can't help but hope.

[kiababy]

Morgana, it's really nice that you and your MM can still talk and even say 'I love you'. Maybe if you give him the time and space he needs, and keep your conversations casual, he'll be able to work out whatever it is he needs to know, and he - or they - might come to the conclusion their marriage can't be saved after all. you never know. As long as you don't cause him any stress, everything should be cool.

 

You know what's funny about my situation? All of the things my MM says he loves about me:

 

- I never bring up the subject of his marriage - he does

- I never ask where he's been or why he didn't call on the rare occasion that he doesn't

- I don't ask about our 'future together'

- I never ask for anything;

 

....are all a direct result of my total fear of confronting feelings and emotions. But they make me come off as THE GREATEST MISTRESS EVER!!! Ha! Even his buddy told him "Dude, you found the ultimate woman!"

 

How ironic that those same traits prevent me from developing any meaningful relationships with single men. I can't open up, can't let on how I feel, avoid any deep discussions.....bad for relationships - perfect when you're having an affair with a MM.

 

By the way, I didn't get any thorns stuck in my arm or back - what a dummy

[morgana]

kiababy, i'm hoping that if i can keep it casual i can at least stay in touch with him i know there's been some discussions about whether or not people can remain friends but i hope we can. not that that will be easy and not what i want but. it really surprised me that he said it was ok for me to say i love you and suprised me even more that he said it back. has said a few other really sweet things and i wish i could remember them but i was so nervous not much really sunk in. i was just afraid that he'd never want to talk to me again. and i know it still may get to that point in time, but for now at least i didn't feel like that was the case.

 

you're right, some of those qualities would make a good mistress. unfortunately my emotions and deep discussions get the better of me sometimes. my MM for the most part has been really accepting of that. we talked about the future, but never marriage, just about having a future together. the whole thing still makes me so sad but i know in time either he and his wife will decide that things are working, they'll decide they're not working or i'll find someone new. not that i'm looking.... things are still too painful to go there yet and i'm still holding out hope.

 

how do you manage staying in touch with your MM? i used to be able to call his cell but now if there's any number she doesn't recognize of anything from my area code, it must be me so i can only call at work. i miss the open contact we had before. i never called if i knew he was home but.... maybe someday.

 

glad there were no thorns. rose bushes can be a beautiful painful thing! i got my skate caught in a rut this morning and almost ended up in the river, considering it was only 60 out, i'm not sure swimming would have been pleasant!

[kiababy]

Morgana, I'm happy to hear that you're keeping up with the skating, nothing like exercise to keep your spirits up; but please be careful, o.k.? I hope you two can at least keep the friendship part of it going. I know people who have never had an affair don't believe what close friendships can develop with your lover, sometimes that's the one person you feel most comfortable with and tell everything to.

 

Don't ever feel bad about being emotional. I wish so much I could be that way but the words just don't come out. It's bad because guys forget that I have feelings, I'm just not expressing them. I am very very affectionate though - I know what I want to say, the words just won't come out of my mouth, but my actions show how I feel.

 

MM works construction and knows nothing about computers so we've always communicated by phone. In the past I was free to call his cell anytime day or night - if he couldn't talk he would keep his phone off and I could leave messages. Now however, he has a new phone with text messaging and his wife uses it to send messages to a relative overseas. He used to save my voice messages - which by the way he always wants me to leave for him so he can listen to them when he's not with me - but had a close call when someone left a message for HER on his phone and he handed it to her, forgetting for a minute my message was saved right after it. He said he was a wreck waiting for her to finishing listening to her message, and grabbed the phone back from her right after!

 

So now that he has text messaging, he sends messages to me all day, but I only reply if it's early in the day, and then we talk on the way home from work. I told him I won't be leaving anymore messages because I don't want to call at the wrong time. He's upset that he can't have any messages from me but I won't take any chances.

[morgana]

kiababy - i used to like when my MM would leave me messages so i could listen to them before i fell asleep at night. maybe that sounds pathetic, i don't know. but the messages have all disappeared, they only stay for 21 days.

 

sometimes being able to express emotions is a good thing but i've been told that i wear my heart on my sleeve, which can make things difficult. tried so hard not to at the beginning of this last relationship because he was married. but he was so reassuring that his marriage was over and that it was ok even for strong independent people to lean on someone that i gave in. and even for as much as this hurts, it was all worth it. regardless, he's truly one of those people that i feel blessed to have crossed paths with (and i'm not religious). the sex was the best i could ever imagine (actually better than i ever could have imagined), but as i told him, we spent so much time a part getting to know each other, i knew that the connection went so far beyond physical.

 

and you're right i think people assume that the relationship between OW and MM is just physical and i'm sure for some it is but there is a strong friendship that can develop and i feel an emptiness where much of that used to be.

 

did you get hurt badly before... is that why you don't like to express your emotions? you don't seem to have trouble here but i know writing and talking to someone can be two very different things. i used to bury a lot of things when my marriage was bad. my therapist convinced me i needed to stop doing that so i started letting more of my emotions out...the guy i was dating wasn't really thrilled with it i don't think! so there is too much of a good thing sometimes and i try to keep it somewhat under control but have really lost it a few times when talking to MM lately. didn't get angry, just so upset that i couldn't even talk. but he was so sweet when i apologized yesterday. it wasn't like he gave a typical "don't worry about it" response, he just always has this way to make me feel, even now, like i'm special to him. i guess i just keep trying to see something in his answers where maybe nothing exists. but still... there was a softness in his voice yesterday that i haven't heard in a while.

 

yes, exercise is important and as i've learned skating can be terribly dangerous although i'm always as careful as i can be which is why i don't skate when i'm upset. i always wear a helmet but ... fell one time and split my chin open (stitches and everything) and then some idiot who wasn't paying attention thought i was turning right onto a street in my old neighborhood and turned left into me. an experience i will never forget.... seeing this van coming at me and feeling my body hit it but not feeling any pain. someone was watching over me that day since i walked away with just some bruises and a nasty road rash. so, i always try to be careful. i find skating to be very therapeutic and i know several other people who have found it to be as well. i know many people like yoga and those types of things to relax but i need to be getting rid of frustration while i relax if that makes any sense.

 

just had a thought...does your MM know you talk about things on this site. i just wondered. i mentioned to mine that i had found an on-line support group of sorts (didn't give him specifics it would make things too difficult if i had to worry about him reading everything) but i wondered if others ever mention....