Contact or No Contact?

[colemanlee76]

Hello - thanks for reading this and apologise if it goes on a bit.

 

On the 15th October '12 my world fell apart, shattered into tiny pieces. I heard the classic ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' from my wife of 4 and a half years (been together 10 years overall) and before she'd even finished I stood up and tried to mutter the words ' I love you (name)' and walked out, got in the car and drove, just drove round and round like the thought and emotions were in my head. 10 hours later I ended up at my sisters house who only lives 70 miles away. There I went crazy my mind just turning over at 100mph what was happening, how did it all go wrong, was she seeing someone else? 2 sleepless nites later I returned to face the music. Tears started to flow, 'I can change I said' 'I will do anything' I pleaded and begged, lets goto see a therapist or councilor I suggested but she was hard, 'It won't make any diffence' she said 'I cant change the way I feel' I waited for the kids to come home so we could both be there to explain and after the tears flowed and hugs were released I said goodbye and left the family home (i regret this massively). That week I phoned and texted her to beg and plead for a 2nd chance but she said I'd had a 2nd/3rd/4th chance (she never once sat me down and explained how she felt and one day she'd be gone if I didnt change my ways).

 

The grieving is subsiding and I'm reading and reading like no one else to try and make sense of what has happened, I go over different forums post of other people in similar situations. I bought a book written by Gary Smalley - Winning your wife back before its to late (a bit to spiritual for me) and it mentions that my wifes spirit is closed of towards me and no matter how hard I try to crack it she will resist and what I should do is be soft and tender, honor her, be patient, supportive, avoid blame, dont criticise, dont set a time scale etc etc which is what I have been working to but then I read some posts that I shouldn't contact her at all, avoid any contact with her for 3/4 weeks but this contradicts everything Ive been doing plus I have to have contact with her so I can pick kids up.

 

I currently live with my parents and they have been rocks. She is still at the family home with the kids and I pay for everything mortgage, gas, elec, council tax, insurance, phone, cable, broadband plus I maintain her financially so the kids don't start eating the text books! She even has the family car so she can run the kids here there and everywhere but she maintains that she doesn't want the house and once she finds somewhere the housing association will 'support her rent'. All she said is realistically that isn't gonna happen till the new year but I know she has got the ball rolling but I have said stay and haven't given her any time scale what-so-ever hoping that she will find it hard to leave the family home. I dont want the house back, whats the point of a family home with no family?

 

My question is tho do I carryon doing what Im doing seeing the kids when I like on her terms and if its convenient, we are pleasant to one another and shes there while i spend time with the kids. She makes conversation about small things which is nice and sometimes just for a minute it feels like normal. OR do I write her an email/letter detailing when I can see the kids and times I can pick them up and have no contact with her other than when I pick them up. I'm finding it hard to make a choice as I know 1 wrong step will kill the marriage forever.

 

Inbetween the above I have been getting on with my life, Ive been doing things I enjoy to keep my mind occupied and Ive joined a gym out of the area to meet new people and be around new faces.

 

Thanks for reading, any help or advice or suggestions on books to read will all be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

H

[aMguilts]

hi and welcome colemanlee76.

 

This is fixable and by that i mean you are going to be ok.

 

you said... "That week I phoned and texted her to beg and plead for a 2nd chance but she said I'd had a 2nd/3rd/4th chance (she never once sat me down and explained how she felt and one day she'd be gone if I didnt change my ways).

"

Need to know a bit more detail about you have done so wrong in the past.

 

And yeah, you shouldn`t of moved out but since you have i would actually stop paying for everything. Don`t believe when she says shes got the ball rolling about finding her own place. I don`t believe it, and i haven`t even met her! She will stay there as long as possible- why shouldn`t she? After all you are paying for her to stay there.

 

So until we know more about you, i`d suggest move back in, or stop paying all bills except the mortgage if you have one.

 

aM

[colemanlee76]

Hello aMGuilts. I can honestly swear on my kids lives I never abused her physically, emotionally or financially. But it was all the little things that I think built up. I was horrible to her. She would say 'one day Me and the kids won't be here when u get home' and my arrogant horrible response would be 'well go pack ur bags now then if your not happy'.

 

She also didnt like how I left her at parties/evenings out. In the early stages we would go out as a couple and go home as a couple but then occasionally I'd get hammered and say come on let's go and she'd say no I'm staying so I left without her. Then before I knew it I was leaving without even asking her, leaving her to defend for herself. All these little things I think just grew to the point of her saying u know what I'm not doing this anymore.

 

She is a lovely person and hates conflict. I trust her completely and she hasn't given me any reason to believe there is anyone else involved. I have asked her out right and her family have asked her and she swears there is no one she has just hardened up to my love. But understand this if I found out there was someone else I'd move back in the house like a flash.

 

Thanks. It helps to talk/write as they say!

[Yasuandio]

Hello aMGuilts. I can honestly swear on my kids lives I never abused her physically, emotionally or financially. But it was all the little things that I think built up. I was horrible to her. She would say 'one day Me and the kids won't be here when u get home' and my arrogant horrible response would be 'well go pack ur bags now then if your not happy'.

 

She also didnt like how I left her at parties/evenings out. In the early stages we would go out as a couple and go home as a couple but then occasionally I'd get hammered and say come on let's go and she'd say no I'm staying so I left without her. Then before I knew it I was leaving without even asking her, leaving her to defend for herself. All these little things I think just grew to the point of her saying u know what I'm not doing this anymore.

 

She is a lovely person and hates conflict. I trust her completely and she hasn't given me any reason to believe there is anyone else involved. I have asked her out right and her family have asked her and she swears there is no one she has just hardened up to my love. But understand this if I found out there was someone else I'd move back in the house like a flash.

 

Thanks. It helps to talk/write as they say!

 

I'm familiar with the type of conduct you describe - it feels like being abandoned. It is good that you can begin to see the effects of abandoning your partner clearly now. That is a first step. Did you abandon her in any other ways?

 

Also, I would recommend that you place yourself in the same position as your wife - and explore what it's like to be abandoned - how she felt those times, so you'll be able to relate to her if an opportunity to discuss this subject arrives.

 

When you keep abandoning a person, it is very possible they will eventually abandon you. You have a WAW for a reason, now. Maybe you can fix this if you can relate to the circumstances she kept warning you about - it is possible. I hope it's not too late.

 

My husband was subborn. It is too late - we are divorced. I loved him so much, and still do -- but it is too late, even for me. The day will come when he wakes ups, and realizes the loss. I cannot be a wife to him after what happened in the Court trial. Don't let your situation get that far. Yas

[standtall]

Well coleman..married women with minor children don't walk out unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either.

2. Physical/mental abuse by either.

3. Mental illness by either.

4. Third party involvement by either.

 

Pick your poison since you didn't specify which. Also, these are not absolutely the only reasons, but they cover 95% of the cases. I suppose you can by an xbox/video game addict, have criminal issues, or are into some kinky bedroom stuff that she can't get her head around, but for posters to help, they need to know the real story...and thus far you aint tellin.

[colemanlee76]

Standtall and others

 

We used to go out socially and 'go mad' the oh one more and we're go home scenario but this was the ocassional weekend so no if anything we was binge drinkers. Def no physical or mental abuse by either or mental illness for that matter which just leaves a third party but I have asked her out right and she swears there is no one else. Even her dad, sister, brother have asked her and she denies it to them as well plus she has never in our relationship suggested she was capable.

 

I used to play on PS till late where she would goto bed alone but she never raised this as a prob.

 

Do u think I should confront her again ref a third party?

 

Thanks

[standtall]

Do u think I should confront her again ref a third party?

 

Thanks

 

Don't bother, she would lie anyway. You have to start digging around yourself...key logger, phone, gps, voice actuated recorder..etc. I'm not saying she's cheating yet, but there is a pretty high probability. Also, check out satan's notebook too (facebook).

[Ballerfamily]

Standtall and others

 

We used to go out socially and 'go mad' the oh one more and we're go home scenario but this was the ocassional weekend so no if anything we was binge drinkers. Def no physical or mental abuse by either or mental illness for that matter which just leaves a third party but I have asked her out right and she swears there is no one else. Even her dad, sister, brother have asked her and she denies it to them as well plus she has never in our relationship suggested she was capable.

 

I used to play on PS till late where she would goto bed alone but she never raised this as a prob.

 

Do u think I should confront her again ref a third party?

 

Thanks

 

It doesn't do any good to ask...you have to find out on your own...this is classic, she has support somewhere else...they are cold fish because of their loyalty to the new person....go figure

 

no contact is the only way you will break her...for the good or the bad...believe me, I know...I did it the wrong way and did irreperable damage as did she...and not many women can start it on their own...they always have support in most cases...

 

your wife was already making plans when she first told you that someday she would be gone...healthy, loving couples don't threaten that unless they have been seriously thinking it

Edited November 9, 2012 by Ballerfamily

[standtall]

Coleman...

 

Also, you did mention you arrogance about certain things...you are probably just stating a diluted version of it. Could your "arrogance" be interpreted as mental abuse? Are you mean to her?

[robf1971]

Hello - thanks for reading this and apologise if it goes on a bit.

 

On the 15th October '12 my world fell apart, shattered into tiny pieces. I heard the classic ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' from my wife of 4 and a half years (been together 10 years overall) and before she'd even finished I stood up and tried to mutter the words ' I love you (name)' and walked out, got in the car and drove, just drove round and round like the thought and emotions were in my head. 10 hours later I ended up at my sisters house who only lives 70 miles away. There I went crazy my mind just turning over at 100mph what was happening, how did it all go wrong, was she seeing someone else? 2 sleepless nites later I returned to face the music. Tears started to flow, 'I can change I said' 'I will do anything' I pleaded and begged, lets goto see a therapist or councilor I suggested but she was hard, 'It won't make any diffence' she said 'I cant change the way I feel' I waited for the kids to come home so we could both be there to explain and after the tears flowed and hugs were released I said goodbye and left the family home (i regret this massively). That week I phoned and texted her to beg and plead for a 2nd chance but she said I'd had a 2nd/3rd/4th chance (she never once sat me down and explained how she felt and one day she'd be gone if I didnt change my ways).

 

The grieving is subsiding and I'm reading and reading like no one else to try and make sense of what has happened, I go over different forums post of other people in similar situations. I bought a book written by Gary Smalley - Winning your wife back before its to late (a bit to spiritual for me) and it mentions that my wifes spirit is closed of towards me and no matter how hard I try to crack it she will resist and what I should do is be soft and tender, honor her, be patient, supportive, avoid blame, dont criticise, dont set a time scale etc etc which is what I have been working to but then I read some posts that I shouldn't contact her at all, avoid any contact with her for 3/4 weeks but this contradicts everything Ive been doing plus I have to have contact with her so I can pick kids up.

 

I currently live with my parents and they have been rocks. She is still at the family home with the kids and I pay for everything mortgage, gas, elec, council tax, insurance, phone, cable, broadband plus I maintain her financially so the kids don't start eating the text books! She even has the family car so she can run the kids here there and everywhere but she maintains that she doesn't want the house and once she finds somewhere the housing association will 'support her rent'. All she said is realistically that isn't gonna happen till the new year but I know she has got the ball rolling but I have said stay and haven't given her any time scale what-so-ever hoping that she will find it hard to leave the family home. I dont want the house back, whats the point of a family home with no family?

 

My question is tho do I carryon doing what Im doing seeing the kids when I like on her terms and if its convenient, we are pleasant to one another and shes there while i spend time with the kids. She makes conversation about small things which is nice and sometimes just for a minute it feels like normal. OR do I write her an email/letter detailing when I can see the kids and times I can pick them up and have no contact with her other than when I pick them up. I'm finding it hard to make a choice as I know 1 wrong step will kill the marriage forever.

 

Inbetween the above I have been getting on with my life, Ive been doing things I enjoy to keep my mind occupied and Ive joined a gym out of the area to meet new people and be around new faces.

 

Thanks for reading, any help or advice or suggestions on books to read will all be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

H

 

 

Move back into the family home. Don't tell her that you wll be doing it, just do it.

 

'Wife I've decided to move back into my home'.

 

If she doesn't like it, calmly spoken to her,

 

' I'd love you to stay and work on the marriage, but I can't stand in your way if you want to leave, feel free to go'

 

I've had this utter BS from my wife several times. Last time I told her

 

'it's not 1956 anymore, women can live successful independent lives nowadays' there is the front door if you want to go'

[Mrselfdestrukt]

Colemanlee76 - I do hear where you're coming from. Very similar situation to me. My wife decided to leave me 3 weeks ago. There was no indication of any real problems in our marriage (17 years) at all. We had a disagreement a couple of days before about something stupid (food!), and when I attempted to get us talking again, I received the "I don't love you any more" reply - and with that, I burst into tears, did the begging and pleading - but she walked out of the house.

I was utterly devastated, completely lost for a couple of days. Thankfully I had my kids staying with me for that weekend, so I had shoulders to cry on. I sent a text message to her a couple of days later, telling her how much I loved her / apologies for what (whatever it was) that I had done to stop her loving me; reminding her of our dreams for the future together etc. But I never received a reply.

So I came on here and poured myself out to the other members of the site - and was pointed to the 180 rules.

My feelings haven't changed - and I do firmly recognise in part what has probably led to our separation (I could have done so much more that I did around the house to help my wife; but I was stubborn), and I would like us to work things out and re-build the family again.

I'm not blind to the fact that in all likelihood that she has made her decision and the split is final; but the 'no contact' rule is certainly helping me get on with things, rather than how I was behaving during my first week after she left - which was essentially staring into space and crying uncontrollably.

Do you have to see your wife at all when you see your kids? The arrangement I currently have is that we take it in turns to drop them off at each others houses once a week, no actual contact with one another - they just get out of the car and go into the house. Obviously I don't know your situation, so don't know how practical this is.

There seem to be a lot of good people on here to vent too - I would use them. Happy for you to chat through anything you want to with me at any time - seeing as we seem to be on the same kind of path at the same time.

Keep strong!

[robf1971]

My question is tho do I carry on doing what Im doing seeing the kids when I like on her terms and if its convenient,

 

Have you ever wondered why guys in the UK end up on Tower Bridge trying to get attention beacsue they can't get access to their kids, because they do precisely this ie nothing

 

Fight for your kids, go to a lawyer, get protected, the man has plenty of rights even in the UK, if he can show a judge that he is the better parent. Right now your wife can claim that you left them, and that she is the primary carer. She knows this, you are allowing her.

 

My advice is common sense, you must consult a lawyer right away or you will Lose everything. Sorry if this sounds harsh but someone needs so shake you awake.

 

Then you need to work out if she's seeing someone else, for goodness sake don't ask her as she will lie. Mobile bills are a great way to find out! Once you know, appropriate action can be taken.

 

What you are doing right now is precisely nothing!!

[M30USA]

I disagree that women won't leave a marriage unless its for one of the above reasons. My wife divorced me because I stood my ground and wouldn't continue a relationship unless she apologized for abuse and got help. She, as always, refused to take accountability, and filed for divorce.

[worldgonewrong]

...this is classic, she has support somewhere else...they are cold fish because of their loyalty to the new person....go figure

 

^^^

THIS x1000.

 

It's what gives them the motivation to shut down on you completely.

Lived it, bought the t-shirt, etc.

 

If you're like me, you're gonna (AT FIRST) pin all the blame on yourself for all your shortcomings. Then the REAL story will emerge, and it won't be pretty. It'll blow your mind.

[standtall]

I disagree that women won't leave a marriage unless its for one of the above reasons. My wife divorced me because I stood my ground and wouldn't continue a relationship unless she apologized for abuse and got help. She, as always, refused to take accountability, and filed for divorce.

 

I don't speak in absolutes in human behavior..there are always exceptions...but what you described above is covered by #2 in my post...physical/mental abuse by either...