"No spark"

[PJKino]

I know exactly what you're saying. I wouldn't go so far as the "it's his loss" place, but when I was online dating, as I've said before, I looked at quite a few profiles of men who I found attractive and potentially interesting, but who posted an age range that only included women much younger than they were.

 

Maybe in my first weeks of looking, this may have discouraged me. In no time, though, I just "nexted" the guys. I am accepting of the fact that people have preferences - lots of which don't include me. And a middle aged guy who only wants to get to know a woman 10 or more years younger than he is would NOT be doing me any favors by "giving me a chance" because I look good "for my age."

 

Who needs that? It sets a person and / or a relationship up with a great deal of negative pressure.

 

And a guy who discounts his own peers because of age - would not be someone I'd like, anyway.

 

So, move on.

 

Yeah online dating depresses me even more, my looks and height were scrutinzied intensely there and became even more bitter and cynical wih women fishing old

 

I need to stop reading forums on those sites as well because if im to beleive its a micoroocsom of women in real life its pretty ugly

[grkBoy]

Here's my advice on how you can cope. You sound like you need to do WGTOW and find that clarity I did years ago.

 

wondering what in the hell is wrong with me that nobody wants me - oh right: I'm not young enough and pretty enough.

 

I've felt that way in the past...especially before I decided to "MGTOW". I felt ugly and would simply say "I'm not what women want". That's when I thought about what life would be like if I grew old and died alone...and thus I found out it doesn't have to be "bitter old man on his porch hating the world".

 

I also know ALL of my good points, and give myself a break at times. I know who I am, I know how I am, and I know how lucky some of those guys would have been to have me as a girlfriend. It's easy to say that I probably got off easy, them dismissing me, but I have no idea what it's like to be loved the way I've seen other women be loved - because they're just the prettiest princess ever. (Bitter enough for you? )

 

I bolded that part because again, I know how you feel. I'd see happy couples out and about, and even when I did MGTOW I still had problems when I saw too much of the "happy couple" thing on Valentine's Day or New Years.

 

However, I also would then see that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. I'd see the happy couples, but I also see those same couples get into fights, have drama, break up, etc.

 

I'd see women complain how their boyfriend won't grow up, he's inconsiderate, he's lazy, a slob, etc...or he'll explode over the smallest disputes. I'd see guys complain how their girlfriends constantly nag them, argue with them, bug them, obsess over small things, etc. I'd see women complain how he won't propose after x amount of years, and guys complaining how they're unsure on marriage and yet she's pushing a wedding and babies. I'd see guys want to go to a strip club for a bachelor party, and women complain how he should not go to a strip club because he's in a RL.

 

I see men and women cheat on each other, make babies and abandon one another, etc.

 

So when you see all the stuff beyond the happy moments, flowers, and SUPPOSED mind-blowing sex, you then start to appreciate not being in the drama. It's why I always found it funny the women would tell me how I shouldn't be alone (despite how much they also complain about their men) and the men tell me how lucky I am to be single.

 

So now I'm back to doing things just for myself and trying to feel like I have a future (which has nothing to do with the lack of a boyfriend, and everything to do with death and dying, and sickness, and age, and a lack of money, etc. I have nothing to look forward to, but I'm working on it).

 

Keep working on it. My thinking back then was to imagine a life for myself that would make me happy. One that didn't involve anyone in my life, but I could die happy and satisfied.

 

I would work harder and build my career. Finishing a Masters was part of that. I'd do stuff on my own to learn new skills. I also took on fun hobbies to make my life less empty. I kept cooking more because my father taught me a lot. I took up Photography and still enjoy it now, and I also tried to travel more...even if it's on the very cheap. I'd also work out, read up and learned how to dress and carry myself better. I spent more time with family and friends. Simple little things that did not cost much at all.

 

My goal simply was not to end up sitting on the couch every day watching TV and feeling sorry for myself, or not sitting there being bitter with my crappy love life filling my head. I simply looked at the world as I was not going to bother or care anymore if I "had someone". Even when people asked me why I wasn't dating anyone, I jokingly replied "I thought the goal in life was to be happy"

 

I do appreciate your response, I'm just feeling down, and am thinking about taking a break. there's just too much sadness in my life at the moment.

 

Definitely take a break. Hit me up here in a PM if you need a friend to talk to. Just try not to fall into the "no matter what I do or what happens I'm doomed to fail in the world" mentality. Cynicism isn't helpful...which is why I tell men and women in your state of mind to GTOW and free themselves of the pressures and pains of dating.

 

Hopefully, like I did, you find clarity. You stop feeling down because you're alone. You let go of the past people who hurt you and move on. You cherish the good points of being alone, and work to put even more good points on that list as you work to make your life fulfilling and happy.

 

NOW...eventually a man will come looking for you (as my fiancee did for me). The trick is to not dive in instantly thinking "this time it will be different". When I met my fiancee, I took things very easy. I went out with her, had fun, smiled, enjoyed conversation...but I honestly didn't care anymore if she liked me or not. I didn't care if she wanted to spend her life with me at that point, or if she would flake out and run off on me in a week. I chose simply to enjoy the moment and not dwell on if there was a future.

 

Granted, she showed me in a month that she was the real deal and she wasn't going to play games or be flakey like my past women. I lowered my guard then.

 

I'll tell you though. She could have flaked on me after a week or two, but this time I would not feel down about it...because I stopped equating my personal happiness with if I was in a RL or not. I love her to death, but I REFUSE to let anyone hurt me or bring me down. You need to do the same.

 

You're worth more to the world than your past men have allowed to realize. Remember that.

 

 

Now...go do what will make Anela happy in life. Find what will make Anela happy in a life lived alone.

[Eclypse]

Thank you, but I've lived most of my life for me (what there is of it that I actually "lived" - I was agoraphobic for years, but I turned a few guys down then, because I was wary of them, and one was sort of stalking me/trying to trap me into a date, because he was desperate). I understand exactly what you're saying, only I've been angry for three years now. Angry, depressed (depression is something I've dealt with for years). I've expressed anger at the long-distance douche who was in my life, anger at myself for not believing in myself, and letting people affect me so much when I was younger, angry at the attitude from some guys who think that it's okay to hate-on and laugh at women over a certain age (where I am now), loaded with insecurities over several things including my lack of relationship experience, and wondering what in the hell is wrong with me that nobody wants me - oh right: I'm not young enough and pretty enough.

 

I also know ALL of my good points, and give myself a break at times. I know who I am, I know how I am, and I know how lucky some of those guys would have been to have me as a girlfriend. It's easy to say that I probably got off easy, them dismissing me, but I have no idea what it's like to be loved the way I've seen other women be loved - because they're just the prettiest princess ever. (Bitter enough for you? )

 

So now I'm back to doing things just for myself and trying to feel like I have a future (which has nothing to do with the lack of a boyfriend, and everything to do with death and dying, and sickness, and age, and a lack of money, etc. I have nothing to look forward to, but I'm working on it).

 

I do appreciate your response, I'm just feeling down, and am thinking about taking a break. there's just too much sadness in my life at the moment.

 

You sound like you have given up on life. Please don't give up. A loving relationship is the goal for many people. It doesn't matter how old you are (btw I don't consider late 30s old, and I'm 22). Grkboy gave good advice. What are you doing to improve your situation in life? Focusing on forging a career and wealth helps take your mind off things. You're still mainly at home right? It's no wonder you these horrible thoughts. Getting out and about will help.

 

A few years ago some family friends had a wedding. I really didn't want to go, I hate weddings. Can't think of anything more boring. My mum convinced me to go though. The wedding was mind crushingly dull and long, but a cousin of the bride caught my attention. Two and a half years later, we are still together as its amazing. The moral is... socialising will make it more likely you'll meet someone

 

One theme I often thought about when single and lonely was "each day brings you one day closer to death." (Also a Pink Floyd lyric). My friend told me "each day brings you one day closer to the next good thing." The former is still true, but so is the latter

[jcrew11]

Just tell him you are dating someone else, or got together with an ex-boyfriend.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My coping mechanism when someone rejects me with "no spark"?

 

I am secretly convinced that he is gay

[IT Geek]

I've heard this "there's no chemistry" line from the last four dates in a row. It does make me question my looks and personality, as I feel as though women use it as a euphemism for "you're ugly," "you're boring," "you're stupid," or "you're weird." That's just how I feel about it; I'm not sure how others feel about it. Also, it could mean a combination of the foregoing traits, or all four of the foregoing traits...

 

I've had this used on the two "first dates" I've been on this year. Personally, I think it's a cop out when a guy doesn't pass muster on looks in person. I know I'm about a 3-4 on the infamous "1-10" scale and have very little luck getting responses on dating sites due to that, even less luck in person. So, it's only natural for me to think that line is a soft way of telling me "I'm not physically attracted to you." And yes, I have been told that outright before.