"No spark"

[utterer of lies]

Guys, is it offensive when a girl you met on say OLD tells you that there is no spark (after you ask her out again)?

 

This is the line I have been using lately (and it is true, I felt no spark) - until one guy came back to tell me that he feels very low about his looks as a result.

 

It's not really an insult on the looks, just general feeling of lacking chemistry that is hard to put a finger on.

 

They feel bad because of the rejection, and misattribute it to the specifics of the rejection.

 

Don't worry about this.

[iris219]

That is a perfect description of "spark" or chemistry. Little to do with looks.

 

Exactly. Last summer (2011) I went on a date with a guy who looked like Orlando Bloom. He kept calling me, but I didn't go out with him again because there was no spark for me. Spark has very little to do with looks and everything to do with one's energy or essence.

[FitChick]

You can please some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time.

 

To those who feel the opposite sex is telling them they are ugly, you need to critically and objectively assess your looks. Not in a mirror but in photos. Improve what you can and then carry on. People who don't make an effort to do the simplest things, then say "Take me as I am," are usually left on the shelf. Oddly enough, I've noticed those people are generally most critical of the opposite sex's appearance.

[veggirl]

I've never gotten that line, or given it. I don't OLD though so I don't go on lots of dates or anything, when I go on a date I already know I am at least somewhat into the guy and vice versa. I am picky, there'd be no date if I wasn't already into the guy.

 

If someone gave me that line I would be confused. Like someone could be on a date with me and not feel a spark....pfft...

[Mme. Chaucer]

Even if his feelings were hurt, ultimately he should be grateful. He didn't spend time on something that wasn't going to happen. Because you require "spark." So do I. I'm not sure everyone does. But I have learned that if it's not there, it's not there.

 

When I was dating, I had a period of time where I was giving "no spark" situations a lot of chances. I felt like men with whom I had big chemistry were guys who were going to end up being bad for me, so I consciously dated good men, good looking, too, and did without the spark. It did not work, and I know that the situation turned out to be hurtful for at least one man. I'm sure he would have been happier if I'd told him there was no spark after the first date. But I did not know then what I know now - that for me, it's either there or it's not.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Even if his feelings were hurt, ultimately he should be grateful. He didn't spend time on something that wasn't going to happen. Because you require "spark." So do I. I'm not sure everyone does. But I have learned that if it's not there, it's not there.

 

When I was dating, I had a period of time where I was giving "no spark" situations a lot of chances. I felt like men with whom I had big chemistry were guys who were going to end up being bad for me, so I consciously dated good men, good looking, too, and did without the spark. It did not work, and I know that the situation turned out to be hurtful for at least one man. I'm sure he would have been happier if I'd told him there was no spark after the first date. But I did not know then what I know now - that for me, it's either there or it's not.

 

Yep MC, I also gave people I felt "no spark" for chances. I just felt like my soul was dying by being with them

 

I stayed friends with one of the OLD guys with whom I felt "no spark" and told him after the first date. I talked to him yesterday and said that perhaps I am too picky with the spark thing in general. He told me that everyone is different and I have every right to want and expect a spark.

[grkBoy]

I'm one of those women, and I haven't been pumped and dumped.

 

And how are you one of those women?

 

And if I'm broken/damaged, it's from the guys who were in my life as a kid, one who almost killed me, one who almost drove my mother crazy - and that I've had mainly *******s actually approach me as an adult. Guys who try to drag me down, and finally succeeded (one guy, another one tried and he was still with his girlfriend - I'm sick of it). I made GOOD decisions when it came to those guys, but the supposed "good" guys didn't want me because of my looks, or my shyness, etc.

 

If you made good decisions, and it shows you push the jerks away when they come...then you're NOT "one of those women".

[todreaminblue]

I've heard this "there's no chemistry" line from the last four dates in a row. It does make me question my looks and personality, as I feel as though women use it as a euphemism for "you're ugly," "you're boring," "you're stupid," or "you're weird." That's just how I feel about it; I'm not sure how others feel about it. Also, it could mean a combination of the foregoing traits, or all four of the foregoing traits...

 

I just think women use this line as it's ambiguous and the least hurtful brushoff available.

 

 

i think with any sort of rejection male or female are going to feel it no matter what is said people will wonder what was the reason they got rejected if you have on ok personality you will think its your looks, your weight, your height, your shoe size with some women who judge that.Its unavoidable you will question what it is and have trouble believing what you are told especially if you think the date went well.I honestly dont think knowing the truth makes it any easier ....so an ambiguous statement or not its rejection it really doesnt matter what the person says the reason is and you just have to move on which is hard for some.I dont think rejection is a euphemism for anything...its simply rejection no matter what way you put it into words.....deb

[Anela]

And how are you one of those women?

 

 

 

If you made good decisions, and it shows you push the jerks away when they come...then you're NOT "one of those women".

 

But you would most likely automatically assume that I was, if I mention anything about not wanting certain types of men to message me. That's what I'm referring to. You aren't the only one here to say such things.

[xxoo]

I think it's a great brushoff, about as good as can get, much better and more honest than "chemistry" to say "I'm not attracted."

 

Interesting, because I always thought spark and chemistry were sort of the same thing, and different from simply physical attraction. Sort of like these posts describe:

 

That is a perfect description of "spark" or chemistry. Little to do with looks.

 

Exactly. Last summer (2011) I went on a date with a guy who looked like Orlando Bloom. He kept calling me, but I didn't go out with him again because there was no spark for me. Spark has very little to do with looks and everything to do with one's energy or essence.

 

Maybe men are more likely at associate "spark" with physical attraction, and thus interpret the comment that way?

[EasyHeart]

Exactly. Last summer (2011) I went on a date with a guy who looked like Orlando Bloom. He kept calling me, but I didn't go out with him again because there was no spark for me.

Well duh. He looked like a girl.

[dasein]

Maybe men are more likely at associate "spark" with physical attraction, and thus interpret the comment that way?

 

It's a fine distinction, agreed. "Chemistry" to me connotes a process that parties have some control over, "we put our chemicals in a test tube, your chemicals didn't mix with my chemicals, so by implication, your chemicals suck." "Spark" seems to have less of a connotation of process or contribution, thus no blame, which is usually accurate when there is no attraction. Chemistry is made, sparks just kind of randomly occur, no one's fault. Anything other than LJBF is fine actually.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think of "spark" and physical attraction as the same thing. I'm just speaking for myself. I can look at a person and find them stunningly attractive, and not feel a thing towards them.

 

Where that "spark" comes from, I can't really identify. I will say that if I feel it, the person becomes physically attractive to me even if they aren't objectively so great looking. And also that there are probably some physical characteristics that will predispose me to feel it. But it's a complicated combination.

[Revolver]

It depends if that's the truth or just something to say to get out of that situation

[Under The Radar]

Guys, is it offensive when a girl you met on say OLD tells you that there is no spark (after you ask her out again)?

 

This is the line I have been using lately (and it is true, I felt no spark) - until one guy came back to tell me that he feels very low about his looks as a result.

 

It's not really an insult on the looks, just general feeling of lacking chemistry that is hard to put a finger on.

 

 

It wouldn't offend me. I'd appreciate the honesty and move on.

[grkBoy]

But you would most likely automatically assume that I was, if I mention anything about not wanting certain types of men to message me. That's what I'm referring to. You aren't the only one here to say such things.

 

UM...that's another topic. With the idea of a woman saying in her profile that she needs to feel chemistry with a guy, I would agree with her. I even say in those instances how the guy should be happy she gave him a shot. The "bad" side of that are when women believe they can find "sparks" or "chemistry" upon just reading a profile and looking at a pic.

 

In the actual topic of a woman saying in her profile how if she doesn't respond, the guy should assume it's a rejection...I believe it was an inevitable solution because of the bad apples who play 20 questions with a woman when she simply says she's not interested...or worse he becomes a drama queen. I still won't belittle the woman for rejecting a guy.

 

NOW...this whole thing I talk about here is really more an idea of a guy telling himself that he's not worthless, he is a catch in many ways, it's her loss in life, and even that he should be thankful she rejected...based on how many bad RLs and marriages there are out there.

 

What about women? I'd tell them to do the same thing. Cute guy you really like tells you there is no spark, be polite and end it...but if you're feeling low, ponder if he's out picking up younger airheads for easy sex, and how he'll probably end up with some drama queen or 10 years from now be on message boards claiming there's no good women out there. It's his loss.

 

You might think it's wrong to demean someone behind their backs, but the only person you're talking to in this is yourself. Come on...if you don't allow yourself the selfish angry vibes to help you cope with a rejection, then you'll go out of your mind or worse you'll start to believe you're the worthless one as opposed to the person who rejected you.

 

It's just a coping mechanism. It's also why I tell any guy who does MGTOW not to hate women in general. Believe me, you'll just end up as the bitter old man who is a deep misogynist. For me, I simply stopped taking women seriously in dating. That's the better idea.

 

And for women who keep dealing with guys who reject good women for bad...think the same way. Do your own thing, stop obsessing on your singledom, and choose not to hate men...but don't take them seriously when it comes to dating.

 

I dunno...when I did that it gave me so much clarity in life. Even later it helped me to stop looking at the hot women who continually choose bad men or continually cling to the impossible list of standards. I stopped looking at these PARTICULAR people as possibilities and instead lived my life to the fullest.

[truth_seeker]

It helped...because I stopped thinking I lost something but was more saved from misery. What's sad though is how most of those women ended up down the paths I foresaw. Broken damaged women who made too many bad decisions and thus now are walking red flags.

 

This is good commentary. I was hung on a girl because I felt I was missing out on something special when in reality I was missing out on misery.

 

Most of the women on OLD are damaged goods. Sad but true. I'm not settling for someone else's used leftovers.

[ThaWholigan]

If a woman just uses "spark" as a tool to find a partner, nothing good can come from that, except wild, unprotected sex with a stranger.

Of course, because being in an unfulfilled relationship is a better alternative.

[ThaWholigan]

"unfulfille" is pretty subjective. An unfulfilled relationship, can be pretty fulfilling.

Fulfilling for one person probably, not so much for the other. That is the point.

 

It's like being in a relationship with a woman who won't have sex with you. In fact, it's probably the other side of the same relationship.

 

I'm aware that some women don't experience a spark and have to grow into a successful relationship. Not every woman is like that, some need that spark. Same with some men. If the spark is not there, and she continues in the relationship, she may find some time down the line that she does not truly love this man or want to be with him. She will then resent him, have sex with him less, desire a more fruitful connection etc. And then the man will think "women are all the same blah blah blah", and then afterwards give the same "give us a chance" rhetoric that got him into that situation in the first place.

 

If there's no spark, why should she stay?

[ThaWholigan]

The spark can not be sustained forever. By your logic, no woman can remain faithful to a guy ever and they are driven not by values, integrity, logic, but this "spark" and lack of emotional self control over it...

The spark can certainly be sustained. That's the whole point!

 

Or at the very least, the relationship itself goes through a cycle where it is passionate and then calms down and then is passionate again.

 

Women may be driven by values, integrity and logic, but attraction is not logical and if they lose attraction for the man they are with, they may not find it difficult to be faithful, but it will not be a particularly happy union at that current point and they will desire to leave.

 

Of course, I do not think every woman is like this, but there are a sizable portion of women who are, and asking them to settle in that effect will not result in much happiness.

 

If there is a lack of passion in the beginning, it won't be there at all later. Unless both people are passionless by nature.

[ja123]

My take on chemistry is this ... sometimes it doesn't hit you on the first meet.

 

Maybe revisit that person after a few weeks, go with no expectations, but just to be friends and have fun. And really do something to have fun!

 

I met a guy, he wasn't my "type": younger, and shorter. I really didn't think much of him at first. In fact, I suggested he keep dating.

 

We met again after a couple of months and wow .... if he hadn't have left the country ... who knows ... he might have ended up being the love of my life.

 

You never know.

[ThaWholigan]

My take on chemistry is this ... sometimes it doesn't hit you on the first meet.

 

Maybe revisit that person after a few weeks, go with no expectations, but just to be friends and have fun. And really do something to have fun!

 

I met a guy, he wasn't my "type": younger, and shorter. I really didn't think much of him at first. In fact, I suggested he keep dating.

 

We met again after a couple of months and wow .... if he hadn't have left the country ... who knows ... he might have ended up being the love of my life.

 

You never know.

I think that the chemistry/spark works differently for different people. Me personally, I am someone who experiences attraction extremely quickly.

[Mme. Chaucer]

NOW...this whole thing I talk about here is really more an idea of a guy telling himself that he's not worthless, he is a catch in many ways, it's her loss in life, and even that he should be thankful she rejected...based on how many bad RLs and marriages there are out there.

 

What about women? I'd tell them to do the same thing. Cute guy you really like tells you there is no spark, be polite and end it...but if you're feeling low, ponder if he's out picking up younger airheads for easy sex, and how he'll probably end up with some drama queen or 10 years from now be on message boards claiming there's no good women out there. It's his loss.

 

 

I know exactly what you're saying. I wouldn't go so far as the "it's his loss" place, but when I was online dating, as I've said before, I looked at quite a few profiles of men who I found attractive and potentially interesting, but who posted an age range that only included women much younger than they were.

 

Maybe in my first weeks of looking, this may have discouraged me. In no time, though, I just "nexted" the guys. I am accepting of the fact that people have preferences - lots of which don't include me. And a middle aged guy who only wants to get to know a woman 10 or more years younger than he is would NOT be doing me any favors by "giving me a chance" because I look good "for my age."

 

Who needs that? It sets a person and / or a relationship up with a great deal of negative pressure.

 

And a guy who discounts his own peers because of age - would not be someone I'd like, anyway.

 

So, move on.

[Anela]

UM...that's another topic. With the idea of a woman saying in her profile that she needs to feel chemistry with a guy, I would agree with her. I even say in those instances how the guy should be happy she gave him a shot. The "bad" side of that are when women believe they can find "sparks" or "chemistry" upon just reading a profile and looking at a pic.

 

In the actual topic of a woman saying in her profile how if she doesn't respond, the guy should assume it's a rejection...I believe it was an inevitable solution because of the bad apples who play 20 questions with a woman when she simply says she's not interested...or worse he becomes a drama queen. I still won't belittle the woman for rejecting a guy.

 

NOW...this whole thing I talk about here is really more an idea of a guy telling himself that he's not worthless, he is a catch in many ways, it's her loss in life, and even that he should be thankful she rejected...based on how many bad RLs and marriages there are out there.

 

What about women? I'd tell them to do the same thing. Cute guy you really like tells you there is no spark, be polite and end it...but if you're feeling low, ponder if he's out picking up younger airheads for easy sex, and how he'll probably end up with some drama queen or 10 years from now be on message boards claiming there's no good women out there. It's his loss.

 

You might think it's wrong to demean someone behind their backs, but the only person you're talking to in this is yourself. Come on...if you don't allow yourself the selfish angry vibes to help you cope with a rejection, then you'll go out of your mind or worse you'll start to believe you're the worthless one as opposed to the person who rejected you.

 

It's just a coping mechanism. It's also why I tell any guy who does MGTOW not to hate women in general. Believe me, you'll just end up as the bitter old man who is a deep misogynist. For me, I simply stopped taking women seriously in dating. That's the better idea.

 

And for women who keep dealing with guys who reject good women for bad...think the same way. Do your own thing, stop obsessing on your singledom, and choose not to hate men...but don't take them seriously when it comes to dating.

 

I dunno...when I did that it gave me so much clarity in life. Even later it helped me to stop looking at the hot women who continually choose bad men or continually cling to the impossible list of standards. I stopped looking at these PARTICULAR people as possibilities and instead lived my life to the fullest.

 

Thank you, but I've lived most of my life for me (what there is of it that I actually "lived" - I was agoraphobic for years, but I turned a few guys down then, because I was wary of them, and one was sort of stalking me/trying to trap me into a date, because he was desperate). I understand exactly what you're saying, only I've been angry for three years now. Angry, depressed (depression is something I've dealt with for years). I've expressed anger at the long-distance douche who was in my life, anger at myself for not believing in myself, and letting people affect me so much when I was younger, angry at the attitude from some guys who think that it's okay to hate-on and laugh at women over a certain age (where I am now), loaded with insecurities over several things including my lack of relationship experience, and wondering what in the hell is wrong with me that nobody wants me - oh right: I'm not young enough and pretty enough.

 

I also know ALL of my good points, and give myself a break at times. I know who I am, I know how I am, and I know how lucky some of those guys would have been to have me as a girlfriend. It's easy to say that I probably got off easy, them dismissing me, but I have no idea what it's like to be loved the way I've seen other women be loved - because they're just the prettiest princess ever. (Bitter enough for you? )

 

So now I'm back to doing things just for myself and trying to feel like I have a future (which has nothing to do with the lack of a boyfriend, and everything to do with death and dying, and sickness, and age, and a lack of money, etc. I have nothing to look forward to, but I'm working on it).

 

I do appreciate your response, I'm just feeling down, and am thinking about taking a break. there's just too much sadness in my life at the moment.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Anela

[FitChick]

I've been angry for three years now.

 

You seem to be very attached to your anger. So how much longer do you plan to be angry? Do you think that is a productive strategy? Perhaps that is how you define yourself now. How very sad. Your choice, of course.