Eternal Sunshine Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Guys, is it offensive when a girl you met on say OLD tells you that there is no spark (after you ask her out again)? This is the line I have been using lately (and it is true, I felt no spark) - until one guy came back to tell me that he feels very low about his looks as a result. It's not really an insult on the looks, just general feeling of lacking chemistry that is hard to put a finger on.
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 The truth hurts some people. However, their mental health and insecurity issues are their problem, not yours. I am not a guy sorry, but the best way to go about it I think, is to be a diplomatic as possible, and reassure them it is nothing to do with their looks (even if it is a lie, so as to avoid hurt feelings) 1
Marek Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) Guys, is it offensive when a girl you met on say OLD tells you that there is no spark (after you ask her out again)? This is the line I have been using lately (and it is true, I felt no spark) - until one guy came back to tell me that he feels very low about his looks as a result. It's not really an insult on the looks, just general feeling of lacking chemistry that is hard to put a finger on. I've heard this "there's no chemistry" line from the last four dates in a row. It does make me question my looks and personality, as I feel as though women use it as a euphemism for "you're ugly," "you're boring," "you're stupid," or "you're weird." That's just how I feel about it; I'm not sure how others feel about it. Also, it could mean a combination of the foregoing traits, or all four of the foregoing traits... I just think women use this line as it's ambiguous and the least hurtful brushoff available. Edited November 8, 2012 by Marek 1
Anela Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I've heard this "there's no chemistry" line from the last four dates in a row. It does make me question my looks and personality, as I feel as though women use it as a euphemism for "you're ugly," "you're boring," "you're stupid," or "you're weird." Or it could be a combination of the foregoing, or all four of the foregoing... I just think women use this line as it's ambiguous and the least hurtful brushoff available. As I was walking out of my voting place yesterday, I realized that I would have gone out with the guy who was helping to feed the ballots into the machines - and he wasn't that attractive physically. He wasn't much taller than me either. I just liked something about him. I've been down on my own looks for years, due to experiences: kind of like "nice legs, shame about the face," so I do understand.
Mint Sauce Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I would find it the easiest message to take, if the dynamic on the date really was a bit flat. If you two had an amazing night out, filled with fun, but you're physically not at all attracted, then I think I'd rather hear a more honest "you're not my type physically." Whether the guy takes it well will depend on his previous experiences with women. If he's really not good looking, then you may want to consider using a more gentle excuse, so as not to kill his confidence even more...
sweetkiwi Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 hawaii50 i felt a spark when i saw your cute pillow picture right now. And sunshine i don't think its wrong. In fact thats a great way to let them know there is no chemistry and therefor will be on further dates. If they are taking it to heart thats sad. People really should be more resilient.
AlexDP Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Guys, is it offensive when a girl you met on say OLD tells you that there is no spark (after you ask her out again)? This is the line I have been using lately (and it is true, I felt no spark) - until one guy came back to tell me that he feels very low about his looks as a result. It's not really an insult on the looks, just general feeling of lacking chemistry that is hard to put a finger on. Nothing wrong with that as long as your expectations of love are realistic. I notice that girls often talk about a "spark" and sometimes I think girls are overestimating what love is initially. 3
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 I once got a rejection by a guy after a great night out. He actually told me that I am too intellectual for him (he was a smart guy so I was puzzled). He said that he prefers less intellectual women and feels that sex is better with them (we never had sex or close to). I took it to mean that he is not physically into me, and yeah it was a blow to the ego.
Anela Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 hawaii50 i felt a spark when i saw your cute pillow picture right now. And sunshine i don't think its wrong. In fact thats a great way to let them know there is no chemistry and therefor will be on further dates. If they are taking it to heart thats sad. People really should be more resilient. When you're rejected over and over, it's difficult to be resilient. 3
Mrlonelyone Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I have never used the line myself. It's almost always a bit dishonest. i.e. Someone will have a great personality and make me laugh etc. but they will just not do it for me physically. I tell them that. No one has ever used that exact line on me. It's more like they come on to me, then find out what I am, and while still acting attracted express how not into "that" they are.
grkBoy Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think my "old me" would have been frustrated by it, but I'd never "lash out" at the woman who says it. I feel like it's not dignified to become a drama queen because a girl isn't into you. I dated a girl a few times who seemed very into me at the beginning, but an ex-boyfriend suddenly popped back into the picture (they broke up on good terms long ago). Suddenly, she's telling me how there's no spark...but I knew better. I saw it that she wanted an instant relationship. That she wanted to skip the first dates and initial courting process. Her ex provided the means for her to go right into it all...despite that apparently they didn't last. I got frustrated at the time, but was happy she was honest with me. My stupid self back then still kept calling and such right after she told me there was no spark...hoping that would change. She then did a vanishing act and I assumed then she decided to try again with her ex boyfriend. Frankly, I think any guy...especially those who have trouble in dating...who gets the "no spark" thing shouldn't get mad. Just be happy you know now as opposed to weeks or months later. Be happy she came clean rather than flaked out and vanished. Also be positive that this girl did give the two of you a shot. Look how many women out there who just reject guys easily without even going on a date. Rejection sucks, but it also makes you stronger. I know before I met my fiance (when I was in my MGTOW phase), I had no issue with rejection. In many ways, I started to see it as a divorce I'll never face, screaming brats I'll never have to deal with, and thus my life is free for my own pursuits. Sorry I jumped on a tangent... 1
dasein Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think it's a great brushoff, about as good as can get, much better and more honest than "chemistry" to say "I'm not attracted."
sweetkiwi Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 i have been rejected. I am not immune. I'm simply saying that you don't have to be everyone's cup of tea.
carhill Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Guys, is it offensive when a girl you met on say OLD tells you that there is no spark (after you ask her out again)? This is the line I have been using lately (and it is true, I felt no spark) - until one guy came back to tell me that he feels very low about his looks as a result. It's not really an insult on the looks, just general feeling of lacking chemistry that is hard to put a finger on. Back when I was dating, the line was 'I don't feel *that* way about you'. Different verbiage, same meaning. Gift
Mrlonelyone Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 i have been rejected. I am not immune. I'm simply saying that you don't have to be everyone's cup of tea. The thing is Kiwi. Some of these guys haven't been anyone's glass of water in the Sahara. 5
iris219 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I wouldn't want to hear a man tell me there was no spark. I'd actually rather hear nothing. I'd rather a guy just stop calling me. I'd be fine if he told me we wanted different things or we were in different places in our lives though. I had an alcoholic, part-time bartender tell me that he had nothing to offer a woman like me. He said I made him feel like a loser and that he preferred dating other losers. I always had someone tell me that he felt like he would have to try with me and he didn't like putting forth any effort when it came to dating. I was fine with both of those rejections. 1
Marek Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 @ grkBoy.....Haha, right on about saving yourself from divorce, screaming kids, etc. Wish I had that option. Nope. I'm anchored to a person for life because I didn't walk the first 50 times that red flags popped up. Live and learn. So, kudos to you for keeping perspective. What part of Chicago? Lincoln Square here. To answer the original question....I can usually tell if there is no chemistry on the girl's part, and I don't sweat it if there isn't. Some guys want answers and explanations for why things didn't happen. How about, just move on? If a girl isn't into me, who cares? Find one who is. Yeah, but what if you hear the "no chemistry"/"no spark" line four dates in a row, and they all said it after the first date? Your self-esteem takes a battering because it's as though these girls are saying "You're too ugly. I could never have sex with you." 1
Anela Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 i have been rejected. I am not immune. I'm simply saying that you don't have to be everyone's cup of tea. I'd just seen another post from you, that said you usually get the person you want - and I wouldn't be surprised, because you are pretty, and you don't seem to be shy. I don't know how much of my rejection has been due to my looks, or my shyness, etc. I do know that I hid from the world for years, during the time that some people have said were "the best days of my life" I was agoraphobic. I didn't trust men, either - whenever I'd start to feel good and want to meet someone, I'd be hit on by someone like my sister's boyfriend. Not good! I have experienced being told that someone loves me, but isn't *in love* with me, and the only thing I could connect it to was my looks, because we were "sparky". Either my looks or his insecurity and bitterness. I don't even try anymore. I just feel sad over the whole thing now.
somedude81 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I'd question how many dates she's gone on recently and that perhaps her ability to feel a spark has been muddled due to her overexposure of men.
Anela Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I'd question how many dates she's gone on recently and that perhaps her ability to feel a spark has been muddled due to her overexposure of men. I wouldn't. I don't think it matters how many men she's been out with in recent weeks - you know when you feel a spark. 1
somedude81 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I wouldn't. I don't think it matters how many men she's been out with in recent weeks - you know when you feel a spark. I doubt it. I think she's been on dates with so many men, she wouldn't know a spark if it gave her Ms. Frankenstein hair.
grkBoy Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 @ grkBoy.....Haha, right on about saving yourself from divorce, screaming kids, etc. Wish I had that option. Nope. I'm anchored to a person for life because I didn't walk the first 50 times that red flags popped up. Live and learn. So, kudos to you for keeping perspective. When I felt the most low, I noticed how while the women kept saying "your time will come" or some other "you're such a wonderful guy and now I can say it because I have a man and thus you won't pursue me" comments...the guys more would say how lucky I am. They would tell me how their wives/girlfriends morphed from sexy hot women to nagging crazy women, and how I'm lucky to be free. What I took out of that is the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It pushed me to declare in my mind that I'd rather die alone than allow myself to get wrapped around someone's little finger. That if women wanted to hold the bar impossibly high and/or demand demand demand, that I would simply do both of us a favor and remove myself from the dating pool. So for me, the best way to cope with being lonely is to keep busy in life with working out, career, hobbies, travel, fun stuff. You plan and live a fulfilling live on you own. You also see the downsides of the other side. You see the drama, the breakups, the divorces, the kid problems, etc. You come to not envy those in RLs, but feel lucky you do have that freedom to do as you please. I also think it personally helps to NOT hate women. I chose not to hate women, but I also chose not to take them seriously when it comes to dating. It helps one be less bitter in life. What part of Chicago? Lincoln Square here. Jefferson Park Yeah, but what if you hear the "no chemistry"/"no spark" line four dates in a row, and they all said it after the first date? Your self-esteem takes a battering because it's as though these girls are saying "You're too ugly. I could never have sex with you." Again, the only way I coped was to turn lemons into lemonade. I'll look at this woman from an outside viewpoint rather than a guy having a crush viewpoint. I'll think in my mind if she'll end up "pumped and dumped" by a bunch of alpha males she drools over, and if she'll be in her 30s or 40s as one of those "SICK OF THE LIARS" or "SICK OF THE GAMES" women on OLD. It helped...because I stopped thinking I lost something but was more saved from misery. What's sad though is how most of those women ended up down the paths I foresaw. Broken damaged women who made too many bad decisions and thus now are walking red flags.
Anela Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I doubt it. I think she's been on dates with so many men, she wouldn't know a spark if it gave her Ms. Frankenstein hair. Well then, you haven't seen some of her recent posts.
Anela Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I'll look at this woman from an outside viewpoint rather than a guy having a crush viewpoint. I'll think in my mind if she'll end up "pumped and dumped" by a bunch of alpha males she drools over, and if she'll be in her 30s or 40s as one of those "SICK OF THE LIARS" or "SICK OF THE GAMES" women on OLD. It helped...because I stopped thinking I lost something but was more saved from misery. What's sad though is how most of those women ended up down the paths I foresaw. Broken damaged women who made too many bad decisions and thus now are walking red flags. I'm one of those women, and I haven't been pumped and dumped. And if I'm broken/damaged, it's from the guys who were in my life as a kid, one who almost killed me, one who almost drove my mother crazy - and that I've had mainly *******s actually approach me as an adult. Guys who try to drag me down, and finally succeeded (one guy, another one tried and he was still with his girlfriend - I'm sick of it). I made GOOD decisions when it came to those guys, but the supposed "good" guys didn't want me because of my looks, or my shyness, etc.
FitChick Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 he wasn't that attractive physically. He wasn't much taller than me either. I just liked something about him. That is a perfect description of "spark" or chemistry. Little to do with looks. 3
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