To Send the Letter or Not?

[lakerman34]

My ex and I broke up about 5 weeks ago after about a 7 month relationship (first half of the relationship was absolutely BEAUTIFUL, second half rocky, mostly due to both of our insane schedules). We were very much in love even in break up, but I'm done with college in 5 weeks (I'm 22), and she basically just begun college (she's 19, a sophomore, still has to find her identity, is rather immature, and in a sorority) so it was probably in her best interest to be single.

 

I went NC, but things turned ugly. Rumors and gossip went around campus (most untrue, I don't believe any of it, but apparently she does), we both played a couple of games with each other (I got spaded one night and walked in front of her holding another girl's hand), and recently I found out she's hooking up with a (now former) friend of mine (caught them making out in front of me).

 

I'm doing OK with coping, but still not over her. At first, her friends were telling me she was very much into me, but being Latina and proud, I had to go talk to her. I wasn't going to do this as I was the one dumped.

 

FFWD to now, and she is telling her same friends that she still really cares for me, but she moved on and I need to as well. I don't ENTIRELY believe this, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to move on.

 

I hand wrote her this letter, and the way I figure, I don't care if I don't get a reply, and I'm leaving this school anyways, so I have nothing to lose. I was going to give it to her right before Finals week (slip it in a bag on her doorknob in her dorm along with a bed sheet she left in my room).

 

This is what the letter says:

 

It sucks that things got somewhat ugly between us. It was completely unnecessary, but it happened. I needed the space and time in order to get my thoughts in order. I hope you didn't take it personally. The actual truth is that you were my best friend, I did love you, and you were one of the best things that happened to me at [school name]. Nothing is going to change any of that.

 

Now that my days at [school name] are dwindling down, I'm beginning to grow somewhat nostalgic and am reflecting on my 4 years here. I've come to the realization that it is absolutely necessary that you, whose years at [school name] have JUST begun, make mistakes and grow on your own. There is a sense of wisdom in that sentiment that I had trouble seeing up until a couple of weeks ago. So, I want you to know that I genuinely wish nothing but the best and happiness for you, and I hope one day we can become friends again.

 

One last thing -- If you could be so kind and keep this between us? I think it has been unfair to Laura having to be the median between us, so consider this my coming clean and hoping I didn't completely burn one of the only bridges that actually mattered to me.

 

Just a few notes:

-We broke up in each other's arms. She buried her head in my chest and we both were crying and, if my memory serves me correctly, we exchanged 'I love you's.' We both said that it was 'right person, bad timing.'

-She understood I had to go NC, but she didn't want me to.

-I told her that she was my best friend, I loved her, and she was one of the best things that happened to me when we were eating frozen yogurt together during breakup

-One of her reasons for breaking up was because she was too young to commit in a serious relationship and that she felt like she 'had to make mistakes' (her own words). I didn't quite understand why she thought that at breakup but it makes more sense to me now

-Laura is a mutual friend who is practically family to me, and I introduced her to my ex during our relationship. I've known Laura for 4 years, and my ex for about a month and a half. It seemed like she was responsible for bringing us back together considering she CONSTANTLY heard both sides of the story from us.

-Now my ex is ACTING as if she's indifferent, but when I deleted her from Facebook and Twitter AND deleted all of her sorority sisters as well, she went ahead right away and deleted my friends.

-She can't look me in the eye or say 'hi' to me in passing.

-She sometimes brings up my name in conversation to friends (like recently told a friend via text that 'and now you sound like John' after something she said that upset her).

-She's rubbing this guy in my face at parties, so I act cool UNTIL I leave the party. At the last party, I could have SWORN I caught her staring at me for an extended period of time, but it was dark, there was music bumping, and she was kind of far away. Still, I'm almost certain.

-She puts things on her Facebook/Twitter saying things like 'having SO much fun with my sisters,' 'impromptu dance night with my sisters,' etc. This is part of the reason why I removed her (I may be reading too much into it), but it seems like she's almost trying to PROVE to me that she's having a blast w/o me in her life.

-Her best friend told me she cares for me more than I'll ever know, and I should go talk to her. I told her to tell her to get over her pride and come talk to me. More recently, that same friend told me 'she can't commit, and I'm sorry to say, but it's time to move on.'

-Anyone who asks me I reply: 'I don't want anything to do with her right now, but she can hit me up in a couple of years'

-I'm going to South Africa soon and then beginning a medical career, so having a gf in undergrad. isn't very beneficial to me, hence the 'hit me up in a couple of years.'

-I've been in a few relationships, this is the first time I fell in love. She loved me too (she actually said it first in a drunken phone call over the summer).

-Some of her friends call us the 'cutest couple on campus'

 

She could burn the letter, laugh at the letter, keep the letter, scan the letter and distribute it to the rest of campus, whatever. I won't know, and it doesn't matter to me. It is just important to me that she knows this.

Edited November 8, 2012 by lakerman34

[Exit]

Nope. Not worth it. But sounds like you pretty much want to do it anyway.

[PYTpisces]

I have come to learn that sometimes some things are better left unsaid until the right moment IF there is a right moment, and i honestly don't see this as the right moment. Think about what it would accomplish. If shes as immature as you say then let her grow up and in the future she will be able to better discern her own feelings on the relationship. Life will bring clarity to the both of you whether you send the letter or not. IF you're hurting or feeling intense emotions, then the worst thing to do is give her another piece of yourself. Though you say otherwise, you'll be wondering if she read it, what she thinks about it, will she reach out to you, does she care etc etc. I think it will delay your healing process

[lakerman34]

I have a good 3 weeks to think about it...

[winstonsdreams]

please don't do it, i have been there i wrote letters, then i put them away and thought about it for a few days. they are still sitting in my closet, you say more with silence i think. just let it be.

[lakerman34]

Yeah, I think you guys are right.

 

It is formal season now, and I was always so excited because I was going to get to go to her sorority formal. Now, of course, that's not the case, and this new guy is probably going to be her date (unless she takes her gay best friend). I don't get it. She had a Maserati (I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I'm a catch. GREAT guy, classically handsome, in great shape, money, fun, empathetic, confident/borderline cocky, edgy, goes against the grain, future doctor, treated her like a goddess, etc.), but she traded it in for a Volvo (short 'cute' kid, but definitely has nothing on me. Maybe she's into that chill, guitar playing beach bum kind of guy. HUGE downgrade.) A girl I know who's kind of weird and never has been in a relationship explained it as "he's just different than you. She just wants to try something completely different."

 

It's just frustrating because there were A LOT of guys before me, and she wanted to transfer b/c she didn't want to be seen as 'that girl,' and I assured her 'it doesn't matter anymore. There's only me now and no one else.' Now, she's reverting back to her old ways. She stopped smoking cigs when she was dating me, and she didn't get blackout drunk as much when she was dating me, now she gets blackout ALL THE TIME it seems, and she's smoking more and more cigs than ever. HOWEVER, she is a little bit of a pudgeball (which I always thought was cute), but she lost some weight after dating me. IDK if that has to do with loss of appetite from the breakup, the smoking, or the pressures of being a sorority girl, but my guess is it's probably a mix of the three. It could also be her just trying to be healthier and make herself better, but I kind of doubt that. I loved everything about her, as she was, but apparently, the sorority scene and hook up scene are more appealing. If only she were a COUPLE of years older and can realize RIGHT NOW what she has lost (I'm almost certain she will reflect and realize it in future years).

 

It really sucks.

 

Call me crazy, but my ex left a bed sheet in my room. She LOVED the cologne I wore, it drove her CRAZY (she ALWAYS complimented me for it and I REFUSED to tell her what it was -- haha good idea in hindsight, she won't be getting it for the next guy). I'll probably just return the bed sheet tomorrow, but I'm going to put on some of my cologne and sleep on it tonight. If she TRULY isn't over me, maybe smelling that scent will bring back some good memories. (Don't worry. I won't have to see her to return it. I'll just put it in a bag and put the bag on her room door).

 

I'm talking to a new girl that I went to high school with now that's PROBABLY an upgrade over her in most ways. She understands that I am still getting over my ex, and we've set a date after December 12 (when I'm done with school for the semester) to hang out. I will decide if she's LTR material (then I plan on taking things REALLY slowly), or if I just want an FWB then, but based on the facts that she's an introverted Christian girl, IDK if she'll be a match.

Edited November 9, 2012 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

My roommate told me this morning, "Bro, I'm going to be straight with you, I went to the store at 2:30 in the morning, and I saw her with a bunch of her sorority sisters, and she was with that guy. I'm telling you because I think it's important for you to know so that you don't have any false hope. Sorry man."

 

Then he and I had a DEEP heart2heart. He told me that she can't even make eye contact with him (they aren't really friends), and that he sees an emptiness in her eyes. I know she isn't OVER me a hundred percent, but she probably fully invested in this hookup or relationship or w/e it is (the guy WAS a friend of mine, and I don't see him as the 'serious relationship' kind of guy, so this is probably a f-buddy, something my ex said she wanted to avoid after getting around looking for love last year, and then finally finding it with me, and then ending it with me. CLEARLY she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. Unfortunately, when she realizes that she's being stupid and that the hookup scene is BS, I won't be there to pick her up and be her man). A LOT of her old friends pre-sorority have noticed that she's changed and want nothing to do with her (including myself, one of her best friends, and one of her best friends that introduced us to each other).

 

I really am about 90% over her. I have A LOT going on for me, and she is still in school. The girl I am talking to is DEFINITELY cuter and more mature than her. But, this still stings my ego. True, she did downgrade IMO, but how can you go from loving someone (and she DID love me, this guy is fairly new, I'm pretty certain), and then just 3 weeks after a 7 month relationship be 'happily' banging a new guy? Last night, she added a few guys in his fraternity as friends on Facebook, so I deleted my FB account to avoid digging into the situation any more AND so she doesn't start playing games (posting pics) or know what I'm doing.

 

I know this all shows her true character (esteem issues, confidence issues, growing up to do, insecurity, too proud, etc.), but still, going FWB (or w/e that is) with a guy only weeks after a beautiful relationship, that's messed up.

Edited November 11, 2012 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

I know that I've written 3 posts in a row, but I'm trying HARD not to talk about this to the wrong people, so here is the best place for me to talk about it:

 

I was pretty much given confirmation today that my ex DID cheat on me towards the end of the relationship with the new guy. This guy was a friend of mine and knew I was in a relationship with her. I called my ex out on it the very next day, and she tried to play it off like nothing happened. I continued to push, then she got pissed and insisted she did nothing wrong and said she considered ending the relationship. I apologized later in the day, and that was the spiraling down of our relationship.

 

Ugh I'm so disgusted I could throw up. Nothing I can do, obviously, but sit back and enjoy the new girl.

 

This new guy is the COMPLETE opposite of me. He's short, blond, beach bum, guitar playing, 'cute,' baby face, chill, pothead, extroverted and dresses very fashionably.

 

Me, I'm more urgent, walk fast, look older, classically handsome, a bit cocky, tall, darker skinned, interested in philosophy, introverted, sure of myself, future-oriented, jock, competitive, love adrenaline rushes, have a tattoo, jeans and a t-shirt kind of guy.

 

If you line up 100 girls, I'm confident that 90/100 of them would choose me over this guy (I know all that 'emotional buttons' crap, but I'm certain he's taking advantage of an emotionally unstable, just-out-of-a-relationship girl).

 

She's telling people she REALLY likes him and, for all I know (I thought I knew him and this goes against what I thought I knew), they are trying to take it slow. I hope this is just a rebound relationship, of course, but it sucks that she can just boot someone she loves out of her life like this. I'm staying NC, making sure EVEN HARDER that I don't cross paths with her, and I'm outta here in 30 days.

 

They have been 'dating' for 2-3 weeks now, and seem to be going strong.

 

Needless to say, the letter I wrote has made its way into the trash.

Edited November 11, 2012 by lakerman34

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey, you're about my age, and I can relate to the emotions you're going through. Believe me when I say that this girl will be a footnote in your life before long. Be careful about jumping into something new with someone else, but definitely take your ex out of your thoughts, and out of your world. She made her choice. And the fact that you didn't break up with her first doesn't make you any less of a person.. just means she did what you really should have done. lol

[lakerman34]

Like I told my dad, it would be SO much easier for me if she was getting with a 6'8" football player, but I feel like because she's getting with this kid, I'm somewhat lesser than him. It kills me to the bone. It's like dating Adonis and then breaking up with him for Gary Coleman (OK that comparison may be a LITTLE extreme, but you get the idea). I just don't get it.