theLWord Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 *Now I need help again It seems like a lot of people are slipping up lately, add me to the list. (Background: I'm a lesbian, I was with my ex for a little over a year, it was long distance 3.5 hours away.) I was NC for 2 weeks before this. I broke up with her because I was pretty sure she lied to me about something else since she had in the past. She was very distant, and the distance was so painful. I couldn't trust her due to her lies. I felt like the dumpee and like I was the only one invested in the relationship, at least emotionally. I started a new job last night that I absolutely hate. It gave me a lot of time to think by myself which isn't good, considering I'm trying to get over severe depression (I had this pre break up as well) and the horrible break up I'm going through right now. My thoughts are my poison right now. I was talking to a lady at work and she told was telling me how she went to mortuary school and she was looking for a job in that right now. I asked her how she could deal with the dead people so easily. She started telling me a long story, how she was worried she couldn't deal with it, how she got sick looking at graphic pictures. When she was doing her cases, she had one where that was an 8 year old girl. She said a lot of the people in her class couldn't handle it, but that's when her perspective changed. She told me she saw that the little girl had painted nails and painted toe nails, silly bands, etc. She said she started to think about how loved she was. Then she wanted to make her look better and was able to do her job. She said, "It's not about how long you are here, it's how much you are loved. Some people can live 80 years and never really be loved." After hearing this story, I was really upset but didn't show it yet. Then I got home at about 7:30 am and I started crying. Thinking about how hard life was, how death is horrible, how we are only here a short amount of time, and missing my ex. I called her. She didn't answer. I called her about three more (psychotic I know) times and she finally answered. Thank God she wasn't with anyone, I don't know how I could've dealt with that. I told her I needed to talk to her. I couldn't stop crying at this point, she kept asking why I was crying and I couldn't speak. I told her the story and she said, "Like how I loved you?" and I said, "Yeah and how I loved you." By this point, she was crying too. I changed the subject and somehow I was making her laugh like old times and she was making me laugh. She told me she loved me still and I told her I loved her too. She said being apart didn't help her, and I told her it helped me to realize what wasn't working in the relationship, and that my needs weren't being met. This is where it went downhill. She said, "So you think that it was all my fault then?" And from there it was back to the same cycle of her never taking responsibility to what she did to me, and never saying she was sorry or that she would try to change. She wouldn't take the blame for anything. I told her I just needed her to tell me that she would try to get help for her compulsive lying, for her intimacy issues (that come from being sexually abused.) I told her I didn't blame her for having intimacy issues, I just wanted her to get help for it so that I could feel close to her. She told me about how she was getting a second job that she really wanted, how she was volunteering. Instead of me being happy for her, all I thought was, "She'll really have no time for me now. This just shows how the distance will always keep us apart." I told her I was planning on moving in the Spring, out of state, and what I was planning on doing. Then it hit me, that when I used to tell her, "I feel like our lives are so seperate," that it was for a reason. The only way we were going to be together was if I moved there, but I never could due to the fact that the relationship was never stable, and I was scared to give up my support system for someone I couldn't trust. So I spent my time far away trying to rebuild a relationship that I felt like I had all on my shoulders, until I couldn't hold it anymore. The outcome was, we continued to text off and on throughout the day, mostly me doing the texting. As I predicted, she really didn't even know the reason why I had broken up with her so I had to explain all the reasons. I told her that I needed her to say goodbye to me so that I could get "closure." She said she didn't want to. She then said, "Is that all you wanted me to say?" And I said, "Either that or that we can get back together and love each other and everything be the same as it was before. But I know we don't know how to do that." And the most gut wrenching response that I did need to hear came, "We can't." That was all I needed to hear.. It literally felt like someone stuck a huge serrated knife in my heart. That's when we both said goodbye. I re-blocked her number because I didn't want to go into anymore freak out moments or call her over and over until she was either really mean, or she was with someone else and I found out. She said she didn't rebound, but who could believe a compulsive liar?I know some people will think I acted out of desperation and that pushed her away, but really there was no hope either way. I don't regret breaking contact, I think this was the conversation that needed to be had. I am however in a lot of pain, but I feel like I at least said what I needed to say. She didn't even know what she had done wrong in the relationship. I'm starting NC again and I won't be breaking it this time. What I learned from this is, I really didn't need to break the contact, I just wanted someone to listen to me and I guess I was used to it being her. I do feel a little better knowing that nothing was left unsaid though. It was a bad move on my part because all day I have cried and it won't stop. I don't think I ''felt" the pain. I didn't cry much until today and it just won't stop. Any pointers to getting back up?
21flames Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) *Now I need help again It seems like a lot of people are slipping up lately, add me to the list. (Background: I'm a lesbian, I was with my ex for a little over a year, it was long distance 3.5 hours away.) I was NC for 2 weeks before this. I broke up with her because I was pretty sure she lied to me about something else since she had in the past. She was very distant, and the distance was so painful. I couldn't trust her due to her lies. I felt like the dumpee and like I was the only one invested in the relationship, at least emotionally. I started a new job last night that I absolutely hate. It gave me a lot of time to think by myself which isn't good, considering I'm trying to get over severe depression (I had this pre break up as well) and the horrible break up I'm going through right now. My thoughts are my poison right now. I was talking to a lady at work and she told was telling me how she went to mortuary school and she was looking for a job in that right now. I asked her how she could deal with the dead people so easily. She started telling me a long story, how she was worried she couldn't deal with it, how she got sick looking at graphic pictures. When she was doing her cases, she had one where that was an 8 year old girl. She said a lot of the people in her class couldn't handle it, but that's when her perspective changed. She told me she saw that the little girl had painted nails and painted toe nails, silly bands, etc. She said she started to think about how loved she was. Then she wanted to make her look better and was able to do her job. She said, "It's not about how long you are here, it's how much you are loved. Some people can live 80 years and never really be loved." After hearing this story, I was really upset but didn't show it yet. Then I got home at about 7:30 am and I started crying. Thinking about how hard life was, how death is horrible, how we are only here a short amount of time, and missing my ex. I called her. She didn't answer. I called her about three more (psychotic I know) times and she finally answered. Thank God she wasn't with anyone, I don't know how I could've dealt with that. I told her I needed to talk to her. I couldn't stop crying at this point, she kept asking why I was crying and I couldn't speak. I told her the story and she said, "Like how I loved you?" and I said, "Yeah and how I loved you." By this point, she was crying too. I changed the subject and somehow I was making her laugh like old times and she was making me laugh. She told me she loved me still and I told her I loved her too. She said being apart didn't help her, and I told her it helped me to realize what wasn't working in the relationship, and that my needs weren't being met. This is where it went downhill. She said, "So you think that it was all my fault then?" And from there it was back to the same cycle of her never taking responsibility to what she did to me, and never saying she was sorry or that she would try to change. She wouldn't take the blame for anything. I told her I just needed her to tell me that she would try to get help for her compulsive lying, for her intimacy issues (that come from being sexually abused.) I told her I didn't blame her for having intimacy issues, I just wanted her to get help for it so that I could feel close to her. She told me about how she was getting a second job that she really wanted, how she was volunteering. Instead of me being happy for her, all I thought was, "She'll really have no time for me now. This just shows how the distance will always keep us apart." I told her I was planning on moving in the Spring, out of state, and what I was planning on doing. Then it hit me, that when I used to tell her, "I feel like our lives are so seperate," that it was for a reason. The only way we were going to be together was if I moved there, but I never could due to the fact that the relationship was never stable, and I was scared to give up my support system for someone I couldn't trust. So I spent my time far away trying to rebuild a relationship that I felt like I had all on my shoulders, until I couldn't hold it anymore. The outcome was, we continued to text off and on throughout the day, mostly me doing the texting. As I predicted, she really didn't even know the reason why I had broken up with her so I had to explain all the reasons. I told her that I needed her to say goodbye to me so that I could get "closure." She said she didn't want to. She then said, "Is that all you wanted me to say?" And I said, "Either that or that we can get back together and love each other and everything be the same as it was before. But I know we don't know how to do that." And the most gut wrenching response that I did need to hear came, "We can't." That was all I needed to hear.. It literally felt like someone stuck a huge serrated knife in my heart. That's when we both said goodbye. I re-blocked her number because I didn't want to go into anymore freak out moments or call her over and over until she was either really mean, or she was with someone else and I found out. She said she didn't rebound, but who could believe a compulsive liar?I know some people will think I acted out of desperation and that pushed her away, but really there was no hope either way. I don't regret breaking contact, I think this was the conversation that needed to be had. I am however in a lot of pain, but I feel like I at least said what I needed to say. She didn't even know what she had done wrong in the relationship. I'm starting NC again and I won't be breaking it this time. What I learned from this is, I really didn't need to break the contact, I just wanted someone to listen to me and I guess I was used to it being her. I do feel a little better knowing that nothing was left unsaid though. It was a bad move on my part because all day I have cried and it won't stop. I don't think I ''felt" the pain. I didn't cry much until today and it just won't stop. Any pointers to getting back up? You really didn't need to hear all that sh*t off that lady at work, tell her politely you are having a rough time and if she didn't mind not to talk about that again. People die, only thing that's guaranteed in life but when your depressed and going through this you don't need to hear graphic details. This is where it went downhill. She said, "So you think that it was all my fault then?" And from there it was back to the same cycle of her never taking responsibility to what she did to me, and never saying she was sorry or that she would try to change. She wouldn't take the blame for anything. I told her I just needed her to tell me that she would try to get help for her compulsive lying, for her intimacy issues (that come from being sexually abused.) I told her I didn't blame her for having intimacy issues, I just wanted her to get help for it so that I could feel close to he ^^^^ See this is what we all said people like this don't change, don't see they are wrong in any way shape or form or that they need to change, that's why this relationship will never work, you will never change that or how she lies and I doubt she will because she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. Get back on track, keep no contact and stay strong, also this is a real long distance one, you could never trust her and never will, even if you moved it would ruin your life, so why keep wasting your precious time on her? Edited November 8, 2012 by 21flames 1
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