What happened?

[New_to_this]

Hello everyone. Sorry for this book I am about to write, but I am really confused and would like someone's opinion. Here it goes.

I am recently seperated from my husband. So this is the first time I am single and dating and apparently I am clueless:confused:

A friend talked me in to joining an online dating site. I wasnt sure about it at all but started looking around to see what is out there and what these sites are like. I looked at a few profiles. I was already to a point where I thought, forget it. This will never work for me. As I am scrolling through and thinking this, I see this guy. I dont know why, but his profile stopped me in my tracks. So I decided to join. I chatted with a few guys. Thought nothing of it. Then a few days later, "the guy" shows up in my matches again. It's him! So I thought, ok. I have to send him a wink. I did and then I had forgotten about it and went on with my day. The next morning I get a text saying I recieved a message (which happens alot on these sites). I look and OMG! It's HIM! Its THE GUY!! That was it. We messaged back and forth and started our amazing conversations. Then about a week into it he gave me his number so we started to text and had talked about setting up a date. Due to both of our work schedules we had to put the date off for about 2 weeks.

In the meantime, we really got to know eachother through text. It was great. We had this weird connection and I know that he felt it too. We had told eachother alot of things it was like we knew eachother for a length of time. He knew I was new to this and as time got closer he would ask if I was nervous. I told him yes and he would make me feel better and say, oh it will be great. With how much fun and chemistry we have talking, we will do great face to face. He said if I am nervous, it just means I am looking forward to it which makes him a little nervous too. He said not to worry, we will have a great time.

Even the day before we were texting. He said I am so excited to meet you!! I agreed and said I know, I can't wait!!! We couldnt hide our excitement.

The day of the date: It was NO disappointment. We went to dinner and had a bottle of wine and we laughed and talked. I loved that I would catch him staring in my eyes and smiling at times when I spoke. We asked eachother a ton of questions and it was like we were so excited to talk about everything that we were jumping from subject to subject all over the place.

We finally go to leave and he asks me to go to his place. I said yes (I know, I know) but I knew he wouldnt try anything that would make me uncomfortable. He did not. We drank more wine and talked more and more. Now it was late and I had to work the next day. He walked me to my car. As I turned to say bye, he is suddenly kissing me with this mind blowing kiss that was amazing!!! He did joke and say, we can go back inside if you want. Oh, I wanted to but I told him this is our first date and I have to get up soon for work (we both work alot). He wanted me to text him and let him know I got in safe. I did just that when I got home and I thanked him again and I told him next time I wanted to take him out. He texted me back and said it was his pleasure and he would love to be my guest next time. He even said, maybe Saturday? He told me to get some sleep, sweet dreams, and we will hash out the details later.

Ok sorry this is still going...

So this is where I screwed up. As time went on I started freaking out. This is the first time I ventured into this and had no idea that it would be someone who could make me feel this way (that does not happen to me often in life). That started to scare the heck out of me! I freaked out and sent him this stupid message about how I am afraid that maybe since that night something has changed and that if he wants to be friends that I would love that. I said I would love to spend time with you, treat you this time to a night out, without all the pressures and apprehensions about dating.

I know. I am a fool. A fool apparently still terrified of getting her feelings hurt.

He first texted me back and said, youre right. too much pressure. Just relax. Let's go see a flick on Saturday. I will come to you. (We live about 45 min away from eachother). I said that would be great and continued to text him like I always do. He was nice in the text, but I could tell it seemed a little shorter than normal.

As the days went on I noticed a little more distance. Not as much texting. So I started getting scared that I screwed things up and texted a little more than I normally would during his work week.

Friday friends were asking me my plans so I texted him because I had a bad feeling and didnt want to end up sitting home by myslef on Saturday night. I texted him and said, hey, do I still get to take you out tomorrow evening or did I completely screw up with my stupid-ness (which I dont usually say things like that, but I know I screwed up).

Well, he texted me this nasty text about how text messages like this make him kind of wiry, my text message is kind of passive aggressive and he DOES NOT play those games, that type of text is something his ex would do and because of that he is really not looking too forward to going out again, and that I know how busy he gets during his work week (weird hours), and it seems like the more he can't text the more I want him to....

You get my drift.

Anyway, from there it continued to move in that direction. I even said I am really sorry things ended up this way and that I wish we could have gotten to know eachother better (I know he wanted to also at least at some point) He would text me back these angry texts and at the end he even said that basically, he is done.

Well, I know I can't text him, so it is done. I guess I am wondering was it that stupid email I sent that caused it (he denies it and says it is my "passive aggressive" text).

I guess what I am wondering is since this all started happening after the "friends" message, is he really mad over that and is just telling me that he is mad over something else? It just doesnt add up and I don't see the message that I sent really making him that mad. In sending it, I was never trying to be passive aggressive. It was like a switch went off and he suddenly changed.

Was it my email that screwed everything up, or is he just not into me?

I know this was long. Thanks to anyone who actually read it. Any insight would be helpful and greatly appreciated.

[Divasu]

Sounds like you freaked out after one date. Bit pre-emptive. I could see if it had been a few dates, you slept together, and hadn't seen eachother for weeks that would cause you some anxiety, but, not after one date. Maybe this is a sign that you aren't exactly ready to be dating again after your seperation. Maybe wait until your divorce is final?

[New_to_this]

yeah you are probably right. I really didnt expect to even go on a date this soon. But I just wonder why he got so pissed? Why did he maybe not just say, maybe you are not ready to date or something like that. He got really mad and mean! But I do think you are right. I think I am going to let it go for awhile. Maybe a long while...

I appreciate your reply and your honesty.

[Divasu]

do I still get to take you out tomorrow evening or did I completely screw up with my stupid-ness

 

I don't think your statement was that passive aggressive. You asked a direct question, followed by a little self-deprecating humor. PA is typically defined as expressing negative feelings towards a person indirectly:

 

IE: "do I still get to take you out tomorrow evening or are you going to be a weirdo towards me because of my stupid-ness".

 

Perhaps a more direct approach could have been:

 

"I would still like to take you out tomorrow evening and make it up to you"

[Ninjainpajamas]

You have to also realize that every guy in the beginning or not every guy but a lot of guys are putting their best foot forward, trying to be as nice, charming, understanding and respectful as they'll ever be during the entirety of their relationship...that facade typically breaks down quickly in due time, however most women sleep with men before they figure that out.

 

Now what I'm saying is he was totally easing you into the comfort zone of staying with him that night, and I'm sure he felt a lot of frustration when you didn't spend the night with him...especially after all the "work" he had put in getting to know you and that's why you ended up back at his place, and that's he jokingly said you could stay over...he knew he almost had you.

 

However you through him a curve ball, because by this time he think he's doing pretty good so far and has acting like the perfect gentlemen...yet instead of some steamy/semi-sexual flirtatious or romantic text he gets a back-pedaling text about you trying to friendzone him in the process. This means for him this is going to be a lot more work than he anticipated or maybe even desired to put in because now he's got to slowly work up the rungs of the later to get to know you and let you become more comfortable with him...which most men are looking for that instant gratification so they can half pay attention to everything else as they indulge in the sexual part of the dating process...then they can just admit to themselves that...meh, this isn't working for me, I'll move on.

 

That's the gist of how most of these guys are going to work, and a lot of women realize this so they give it up (which I'm not saying women don't want it to) but they also do so, so that the man sticks around and they feel like they are giving themselves a "chance" with him as without sex, most men are going to walk away within a short period of time.

 

Basically with your text you frustrated him a bit, and just like a person that doesn't want to go somewhere and do something so they make up all these excuses to not go...he basically back-pedaled and 180'd and exposed his true level of patience...be careful, a lot of guys cry about what their ex did to them as if you owe them something for it or they have the right to hold it against you. Don't ever feel guilty for that, and you yourself have to make sure you do the same....take care of YOUR problems, and issues..and expect these men to do the same because nobody can fix or undo what somebody else did.

 

You definitely don't sound ready and if you were to sleep with this guy then I'm sure you would have sailed on with the fairy tale, but remember you don't know anyone after a week or a first date, so don't be foolish and presume to believe that you do.

 

He failed where it really counted, and that was being there for you and being supportive and instead of running his mouth try and figure out what you were going through and been patient and understanding, that's what they right guy for you would have done, he wouldn't have been so willing to overreact, take out his frustrations on you and then walk away, that's just childish and shows his true level of maturity and emotional stability.

 

All in all, you probably dodged a bullet and don't even realize it, this was a good lesson to learn as your fresh out the gate and getting back into the dating world.

 

Don't beat yourself up for what you did, it was a normal cautious and fearful reaction...you don't have to be perfect, but do try and work on your issues for yourself so you can be balanced emotionally and mentally, or you're going to easily feel out of control or overwhelmed which only provokes bad judgement and impulsive decisions..that's the real answer, otherwise learn to communicate more of where you are at emotionally and mentally, unfortunately most people are uncomfortable talking about what matters most first but realize that you can control the direction and how you get to know a man and on what level, an investment and interested man will be flexible and oblige you with genuine information.

[New_to_this]

I really appreciate the replies. This is exactly what I needed. Like I said, I know it's a done deal but I needed an outsider's opinion especially from someone who understands all of this a little more.

So, I am so thankful that I didn't go back inside with him. I knew I was being smart, but now I realize even more how that was a good decision.

You are right. This is my "me" time to work with myself and find out who I really am and what I really want.

I needed to understand what happened. I agree that my message wasn't very passive aggressive and it seemed like he was trying to think of something to use against me. I just couldn't believe how mean and angry this "nice, kind, respectful" man became.

Thank you for your time and replies. It's exactly what I needed.

[sabre80]

Not to disagree with what Ninja said but there is also another posible aspect. Speaking from experience and depending on how long he has been doing online dating.

 

I do not like to multi date. It is too difficult. As a working full time single father I have one maybe two nights a week I can go out. So juggling multiple dates is draining and too difficult. So if I get to the point where I want to ask a woman out on a second date, I neglect the OLD profile a bit and just focus one the lady I am taking out. But it can be frustrating to get to 4 dates and start developing a connection only to be blown off by a potentially better prospect and is going to chase that. Then to get a call a few weeks later by the same woman wanting to go out again. Sorry I liked you but I am no one's second choice.

 

It is not the money invested. It is the time invested and lost that is the frustrating part. Now he reacted very poorly. You weren't blowing him off. At least I would not have seen your text as blowing me off.

 

Just brace yourself. Online dating will get far more frustrating. But I agree with the others saying you should process your seperation/divorce before dating. Find/redefine yourself again as a happy single woman then get back into things.

[New_to_this]

Sabre I hear your point and I have wondered if he took it as I was blowing it off. But in our time of conversing over the phone before we met I had told him this whole story. At one point I was talking about my cousins wedding coming up and he asked, so how do you feel about that? Being recently seperated and all?

My point is that it's not like I kept this a secret. Even before we met I said you know if this turns out to be a great friendship I'd be ok with that. His response was, for sure. Even if we don't hit it off in the way we think we will, he can always use another quality person in his life. My point is I was upfront. At one point when I opened up, he told me that he still wants to meet me and see where this goes. He said that he has been in the dating scene for a long time now and there is nothing I can say to scare him. My point is I was torn because I enjoyed talking to him, waited for it even and couldn't wait to meet him. But I was pretty upfront about my fears.

And again, I guess what I really don't understand is the mean anger he showed me in his text messages at the end. He didn't just stop texting and ignore me. He didn't say you know maybe you are not ready for this so I don't want to get involved. He got angry and resentful over something else that truly I don't believe is the real reason.

Thanks for listening guys. I've been wanting opinions but I'm a fairly private person so I don't open up alot. Your replies are very helpful.

[New_to_this]

I know this sounds bad, but I told you that I met this guy online. During the time that we talked I would get online and notice that he was on there ALOT. I never brought it up (on here even) because I would never let something that silly bother me. Well, I have not gotten on to my acct for a little while and today I was bored so I logged in. Of course I wanted to be nosy and I went to his profile and it says "Active within 3 days". WHAT?!?!?!

He was ALWAYS on there! So I found that to be strange and thought I would send an update.

[sabre80]

New

 

Don't stress out about it. He sounds a wee bit unstable anyway. If you are going to do OLD the first thing you have to learn is not to take it seriously. If you do you just get burnt out and frustrated.

[Drseussgrrl]

I have a different point of view.

 

In my opinion it wasn't what you did on the date. It's what you did AFTER. Having an amazing date and then the old "I'm ok with being friends" text would have been very confusing for me, too.

 

I think the next mistake you made was asking to treat HIM. I think in the beginning stages of dating I'm of the old-school thought that men like to be the hunters/pursuers, so I normally just act receptive and interested if I like him. You put all your cards on the table right up front without even meeting him and left little to his imagination. When he slowed down on his communication, you took up the slack. Don't ever do that. I don't play games as in, taking forever to text a guy back or ignoring phone calls, but trust me, if a guy wants to see you/talk to you/hear your voice he WILL be in touch and he WILL be asking you out.

 

It sounds to me like he just got very annoyed with the constant texting on your end and mixed signals. It sounds like you're all over the map. You didn't give the guy a chance to win you over.

 

Look - dating sucks and I'm sure it's even worse when you haven't done it in a while, but the more you learn about how men tick the easier it will get. Online dating is a whole other monster in and of itself lol.

[FitChick]

Your problem was texting him instead of talking on the phone. You met him in person! You kissed! Why were you so afraid to call him?

 

Good dating rule of thumb is never to date someone separated or newly divorced because they have no idea what they want.

[New_to_this]

Thanks ladies for the advice. I am just naturally an open person and I never want to seem like I am playing games so I am always open and upfront. I guess that is not how this works though.

I did offer to treat him because I felt like it was a nice gesture since he took me out for such a nice evening.

As, I said, I have alot to learn.

Thank you for the advice. I will most definitely keep it in mind!

[jcrew11]

Did you try calling him?

 

Texting is annoying at times. Its easy to mess things up.

[New_to_this]

jcrew,

 

No I have not. We always texted. At one point he said, hey who knows, I may even call you sometime. Then he stated that he actually prefers texting so I had always kept it to that.

Now I can't call him. He basically said things that took it to a point where I can't really contact him. I guess I just thought that there was really a connect there and felt that he was feeling the same thing. Everything leading up to that confirms it, but then it just went bad.

So I guess I am just feeling bad that I really messed up, but as someone said in an earlier post, in the beginning everyone tries to be as kind, charming, etc in the beginning. Maybe he just had me fooled.

[jcrew11]

jcrew,

 

No I have not. We always texted. At one point he said, hey who knows, I may even call you sometime. Then he stated that he actually prefers texting so I had always kept it to that.

 

Now I can't call him. He basically said things that took it to a point where I can't really contact him. I guess I just thought that there was really a connect there and felt that he was feeling the same thing. Everything leading up to that confirms it, but then it just went bad.

So I guess I am just feeling bad that I really messed up, but as someone said in an earlier post, in the beginning everyone tries to be as kind, charming, etc in the beginning. Maybe he just had me fooled.

 

Try e-mailing him to explain the situation.

 

But just calling is better. Did you run out of minutes?

 

Its a lot easier to understand a person's emotions in a phone call. Leave a voicemail if he doesn't answer.

 

Most women complain that men never call. You really can't form a relationship around just texting.

 

Don't be scared, just make a phone call. If all else fails, make it a booty call, he won't turn you down.