I'm 21, he's 43

[angie2443]

I just have to put this out there. I've never seen an older man date a younger woman for anything other than easy sex. You always hear how dating is easier for guys in their 30s and since this guy looks 30ish, I would group him in there as well. I don't understand why women go for older men but they usually end up getting hurt. If you're just into casual sex than this is not a problem but if you expect anything more to come out of this, I doubt anything will. Older guys date younger women because it's just so much easier.

 

I'm seeing it now at 25. Girls who are 18 in my school offering themselves to me on a silver platter. I always reject. My rule is no one under 21, but I can just imagine how easy it would be if I said screw it and went with it.

 

It is often easy to manipulate a younger person (early twenties on down). A man of 40 often has a good idea of what a young girl wants to hear. He's seen enough and experienced enough in life to have a better of how to hook a young girl with his words. This doesn't mean the older guy is sincere, just that he knows what to say. Also, an older man will often treat a younger girl better, in the beginning at least, then men her age will because he knows he has to up his game to get the young girl. Also, sometimes you have a girl who deeply wants the validation of an older

person. Other young girls are in a bad situation and are looking for a way out. Here comes the older man with the apartment or home for her to run to, and their relationship begins. I'm not saying that these are the only reasons some younger girls are willing to go with older men, but these are the ones I've observed over and over.

[Under The Radar]

When I was in my early twenties I got involved with a woman old enough to be my mother. She was in her late forties, but easily could have passed for 30. She was exceptionally well educated, beautiful, fun, and kind. She treated me like gold and I cared for her very much.

 

We saw each other off and on for several years, but over time I could see how the age gap took a toll. It was weird to my friends too. I mean, how could she or them relate to each other? It was like two completely different worlds trying to interact. Eventually, we ended things between us and I never saw her again. To say it was difficult for me would be an understatement.

 

Look, I don't know if this guy is a "creep", looking for NSA sex, or desires to "control" you. What I DO KNOW is you are both at very different stages in your lives. Admittedly, with good reason, your parents and friends would strongly disapprove.

 

You say that career advancement and a future family are important goals for you. You cannot have a family with this man. You will not be able to experience, many first time events, couples navigate together (the age gap alone precludes this) in life.

 

Unless you are primarily interested in a sexual relationship with this man, I would not pursue him. I even hesitate to "green light" a FWB situation with him. I think you will become emotionally attached at some point whether you want that to happen or not. I just don't see this ending well for you if it continues. Just my 2 cents - good luck.

[angie2443]

, but age is not just a number. It's a number that corresponds to certain developmental markers under normal circumstances ).

 

quoted for truth.

[angie2443]

Ok...well my parents met when my mom was 25 and my dad was 36 and they've been married for 20+ years. So I definitely don't believe that older guys only date younger girls for easy sex.

 

Also there's a big difference between a 25 y/o male and a man who is 35-45. I've dated a few guys between ages 24 and 27 and they were all incredibly immature. They still behaved like children, didn't know how to treat me right, played mind games with me. I have this idea that guys in their 20's are immature jerks at this point.

 

There is a big differance between a 25 year old hooking up with a 36 year old and a 40 something year old man hooking up with a 20 (21?) year old. It's not just the number of years, it's also hitting that mid twenty mark.

 

On a side note, I thought you said that this guy didn't relate to people his age as much. What age group does he relate to? I'm guessing the thirty something age group? Just trying to figure this out.

 

Anyways, I meant what I said about life experience bieng a great teacher. If you really want to go with this guy, then you're going to do it anyways, regardless of what anyone here tells you. Just take care of yourself.

[kaylan]

Where in life do I see myself? I've always wanted to get married and have kids, maybe not for a few years, but settling down is definitely a goal for me. Definitely want to work on a career as well.

 

And I haven't talked to him about where he wants to be because we are in the very early stages where I'm still deciding if I should even be trying to pursue him/get to know him more.

You wont end up with this guy. Have casual fun but realize that once your close to 30 and want kids, he will be on the physical and sexual decline, while men your age will be at their peak. So your interest may wane, not to mention he might not want kids at 50 plus years of age.

Ok...well my parents met when my mom was 25 and my dad was 36 and they've been married for 20+ years. So I definitely don't believe that older guys only date younger girls for easy sex.

 

Also there's a big difference between a 25 y/o male and a man who is 35-45. I've dated a few guys between ages 24 and 27 and they were all incredibly immature. They still behaved like children, didn't know how to treat me right, played mind games with me. I have this idea that guys in their 20's are immature jerks at this point.

25 is VERY different from 21. Right now a girl is interested in me whos 20...but Im 26 and at a different stage of life than her. I wouldnt bat an eye if she was over 22/23. But a big age difference for someone whos still a 20/21 year old kid matters much.

Edited November 8, 2012 by kaylan

[GirlontheLam]

Ok...well my parents met when my mom was 25 and my dad was 36 and they've been married for 20+ years. So I definitely don't believe that older guys only date younger girls for easy sex.

 

Also there's a big difference between a 25 y/o male and a man who is 35-45. I've dated a few guys between ages 24 and 27 and they were all incredibly immature. They still behaved like children, didn't know how to treat me right, played mind games with me. I have this idea that guys in their 20's are immature jerks at this point.

 

I am joining the hater parade. You are only 21. He is twice your age. My general rule of thumb, large age gaps are not too important after about age 30. When everyone has had plenty of time to experience life.

 

Any 40 year old who is looking for people in their early 20s has issues in one way or another.

[kaylan]

PS - Mid 20s is usually when people settle into adulthood and who they are as a person. Ive seen it with myself and many other people. You change A LOT from 15 to 20, and from 20 to 25.

[GirlontheLam]

OP, this guy has been going to the bar longer than you have been alive. *think*

[cmr88]

There is a big differance between a 25 year old hooking up with a 36 year old and a 40 something year old man hooking up with a 20 (21?) year old. It's not just the number of years, it's also hitting that mid twenty mark.

 

On a side note, I thought you said that this guy didn't relate to people his age as much. What age group does he relate to? I'm guessing the thirty something age group? Just trying to figure this out.

 

Anyways, I meant what I said about life experience bieng a great teacher. If you really want to go with this guy, then you're going to do it anyways, regardless of what anyone here tells you. Just take care of yourself.

 

I don't understand the difference between being my age 21 and being 25...some of my best friends are 23/24, and I hang out with lots of people in their mid-20's and I feel we're all very relatable with one another.

 

I'm not sure what age group he meant, I guess just younger in general.

 

I think you're right. I'm realizing from what everyone is telling me that this has no long-term potential, but since I don't have any other prospects at the moment, I'm probably going to go with it for the time being.

[dasein]

You are an adult who can make and has made adult decisions re living with BFs, relationships. Don't buy into "baby stranger danger manipulator" hysteria, trust your own eyes, ears and quite thoroughly developed -adult- mind. But do realize you will get lots of attitude about this from friends and family if anything develops.

 

IMO, you are premature worrying though. You are hooking up with a guy whose company you enjoy. That's really all there is to it at this point. There is no relationship on the table, one may not even develop. If one starts to, then you seem to have the tools necessary to decide whether it's something you want to pursue. In all likelihood, this won't be the last relationship you ever have, so worrying about lots of the issues brought up in this thread are needless at this point. Just continue having fun as long as it's fun for the time being. Try to put farflung things out of your mind and just approach this as any other guy you may end up dating.

[angie2443]

I don't understand the difference between being my age 21 and being 25...some of my best friends are 23/24, and I hang out with lots of people in their mid-20's and I feel we're all very relatable with one another.

 

I'm not sure what age group he meant, I guess just younger in general.

 

I think you're right. I'm realizing from what everyone is telling me that this has no long-term potential, but since I don't have any other prospects at the moment, I'm probably going to go with it for the time being.

 

LOL! I didn't either untill I was on the other side of 25. I remember people in their mid twenties telling me how things change after the mid twenties. I never got it then. Now, I know that, aside from the fact that the brain is still growing into the early twenties, it also takes a number of years living an adult life (away from home and bieng taken care of by the parents) to settle into who you are as an adult.

[MrCastle]

Ok...well my parents met when my mom was 25 and my dad was 36 and they've been married for 20+ years. So I definitely don't believe that older guys only date younger girls for easy sex.[/Quote]

 

That's an 11 year difference. The OP is 21 and the man in question is 43. That's a 22 year difference. You think it's in the cards for them? A difference of more than 2 decades? You think he's looking at her as someone serious?

 

Also there's a big difference between a 25 y/o male and a man who is 35-45. I've dated a few guys between ages 24 and 27 and they were all incredibly immature. They still behaved like children, didn't know how to treat me right, played mind games with me. I have this idea that guys in their 20's are immature jerks at this point.

 

Depends on the individual. If you assume all men in their 20's are like this, then you're just removing them from your dating pool before even giving them a chance. I'm more mature than some men 10, 15 years my senior.

[suladas]

Everyone matures at different ages, and yes at 21 compared to 23 now I am a lot different. Plus some people hit later 20's and still aren't mature, or even 30's. Plus if you're the younger person you need to be really mature for your age if there's any hope long term, so yea going out to clubs etc is a typical 21 year old, not a mature one.

 

I dated a women who was 35, which is still a far cry from your gap and it is still noticable in things. I had some life experience, like living on my own and owning my own home, good job, etc. But lacked in relationship experience and never have been married. This gap is doable, but 21 and 43? I really can't see that for most people working. I wouldn't consider a bigger age gap then the 12 year one I had.

Edited November 8, 2012 by suladas

[GirlontheLam]

To be honest, 43 feels a little old for me right now. And I am 34.

[Under The Radar]

To be honest, 43 feels a little old for me right now. And I am 34.

 

 

I'M 38 - how about something in a medium sized Jew ?!?

[dasein]

Just have to comment on the "undeveloped brain til 25" Dr. Philesque nonsense I see here and hear elsewhere. Somehow it only applies to protecting young women from predatory men, not doing every single other thing that adults do, drive a car, hold down a job, pay rent and bills, take college classes, make adult decisions and do adult things generally. Maybe give the argument a whirl with a professor or landlord, "I didn't turn in the paper on time because my brain isn't developed yet, I can't pay rent because I'm still a baby." Let us know how that turns out.

 

Conditioning young women into victim roles and to demonize men asap, great social dynamic that. Infantilizing young adult women as part of stranger danger culture is likely a more damaging social convention than any legal age gap relationship would ever be.

[GirlontheLam]

I'M 38 - how about something in a medium sized Jew ?!?

 

38 is definitely in the ideal range.

[kaylan]

Just have to comment on the "undeveloped brain til 25" Dr. Philesque nonsense I see here and hear elsewhere. Somehow it only applies to protecting young women from predatory men, not doing every single other thing that adults do, drive a car, hold down a job, pay rent and bills, take college classes, make adult decisions and do adult things generally. Maybe give the argument a whirl with a professor or landlord, "I didn't turn in the paper on time because my brain isn't developed yet, I can't pay rent because I'm still a baby." Let us know how that turns out.

 

Conditioning young women into victim roles and to demonize men asap, great social dynamic that. Infantilizing young adult women as part of stranger danger culture is likely a more damaging social convention than any legal age gap relationship would ever be.

Um dude...do your research. There are scientific studies that back this up. The brain doesnt finish developing till your mid 20s. This will easily have affect on behavior, as well as life experience will. Seriously...Im sure youll find more reputable sources than Dr Phil saying this.

[dasein]

Um dude...do your research. There are scientific studies that back this up. The brain doesnt finish developing till your mid 20s. This will easily have affect on behavior, as well as life experience will. Seriously...Im sure youll find more reputable sources than Dr Phil saying this.

 

No need, whether or not any particular brain is through "developing" ("growing" more accurately) is irrelevant. What's relevant is the quality of said brain and how it processes input received as experience. The argument is as inane as saying that young adult noses don't smell as well, or ears hear, because they continue to grow as people age.

 

It's up to you and the others in the thread who have posted such to prove that growth of the brain until 25 makes young adult women the equivalent of children til 25 btw, should you care to, not me. Just getting that straight on the front end. It beggars the imagination that anyone would want to make such an offensive, ridiculous argument though.

[kaylan]

^

 

Yes, being mindful of the naivety of youth is offensive...but taking advantage of youthful lack of experience in order to make sexual conquests isnt. (sarcasm) Thats essentially what you are saying, because lets be real...people try to warn these young women of the angle older guys tend to have. Whats wrong with giving them advice to minimize drama they might face?

 

Because lets be real, in most of these situations, naivety is what much older guys bank on. I think the bulk of us know how immature most early 20s folks are. Im sure a 42 year old woman with greater life experience could have thrown me for a loop in my younger years. The same way I could throw a 19 yr old for a loop though Im only 26.

Edited November 8, 2012 by kaylan

[mysteryscape]

You seem to be really into him, maybe fascinated. I'd just cautiously explore your feelings with him without any prejudice, see where it goes.

 

The only thing "creepy" about this seems to come from the prejudices of your friends. I would just put that aside.

 

Myself, I've had relationships with women much older than myself, and younger. I think it's all about how you feel. Age is not "just a number" -- but it's not such a big deal if you are really interested in someone.

[Eternal Sunshine]

i would not date a 43 year old man and I am 33.

[Ross MwcFan]

Don't care about what other people think, just go for it, things sound really good between the two of you.

 

And not everyone is interested in getting married, if someone has never been married it doesn't mean they've never been in a serious commited long term relationship before or that they don't want one.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Cmr, often in these age related topical threads, you will see women make a distinction between two kinds of men. A man that happens to come across a younger woman that he is truly interested in dating but has a history of dating women of all different ages compared to a man that seems to always date younger women specificaly.

 

You feel what you feel and it looks like you are looking for affirmation for your feelings. But consider these red flags if you will:

 

However, his last relationship lasted 5 years and she was significantly younger than him as well. If he's dated much-younger girls in the past, maybe it's just something he likes to do. I heard she broke his heart, which makes me think that he's a softie. He's told me before, "I don't relate to a lot of people my age. They don't like to have fun." Another time, I talked to him about our age difference he said, "I don't care about that. You make me laugh. You make me smile." He has a good heart. I can tell. He's kind.

 

You need to be very careful with dating men that speficially target dating younger women regularly. usually these men enjoy the power dyanmic and authority they have over the younger women. And no matter how much you've changed and matured from 18-21, you are going to change even more and mature even more in the next 5 years. No matter how mature and traveled and worldly you are right now, you arent a match for the life experience of a 40+ year old guy.

 

The other red flag he gave you is that he doesn't relate to people his own age. He said they don't like to have fun. So he likes to believe that he is young and hip and likes to have fun, unlike people his own age. He's set a standard where he is better than people his own age so he is entitled to date younger women because he believes younger women are better..at least to me from experience, this is what his comment suggests. Do you think he would still want to date you if you were 30? 35? 43? Something to consider. You want to pick men that don't value you for your age but value you for you. Men that go for younger women are always disappointed when that younger woman ages. Because that's what they are valuing her for.

 

I once dated older men too. Looking back on those relationships, they really weren't good for me. My friends also called the guys I dated "creepy" in different ways. That's because most of my peers where dating each other. Because that's what you should be doing when your 21. Not dating 40+ year old guys that think people his own age aren't any fun. It's like the type of girls that say they don't like other girls so they all have male friends. Those girls don't have a healthy relationship with other girls. Your man doesn't have a healthy relationship with his own age or the age of his own peers. That tells you something significant.

 

Oh and please please keep this bit of information you gave in mind:

 

I want someone to grow old with, and I don't see it lasting long-term because of the age difference.

 

You want a certain life style and you shouldn't compromise that life style.

 

It took me a longer time to see that I wanted this too. i wanted to grow old with someone and have experiences together. not be with someone that already had "been there and done that". Which is why I felt deeper connections for men closer to my own age as I grew up and matured where I was previously looking for other things in older men that wasn't just about romantic love and relationships. Older men fed my ego because I knew I was the prize. And I was looking for something Fatherly, almost, from them.

[ASG]

One of my best friends started dating her boyfriend when she was 21. He was in his 40's and about the same age as her mom.

They are still together and happy, 10 years after.

 

Also, my mom and my dad have 11 years between them and my mom and step dad have 21 years between them. So I really dont think age is that much of an issue... Unless it is to YOU! Don't date someone that much older if it makes you uncomfortable.