cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Never in my life have I considered dating someone significantly older than me until now. I work with him. He's fit and handsome and looks like he's in his 30's. We've always been flirtatious but I never thought anything of it. After all, he's old enough to be my father. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago we were hanging out at the bar we work at. After I left he texted me, "Did you get home okay?" I told him I did. He then asked, "Are you still hanging out?" I said, "No, but I'd like to be." We ended up hooking up. I felt weird about it. I told him, "That shouldn't happen again." We went to work the next 2 weeks and acted like nothing happened. However, last night I ended up talking to him a lot throughout the night. At the end of the night I again told him I got home safe. He texted me, "You're a cutie" and I said, "You are too" and he said, "I really wanted to kiss you tonight" and I said, "You still can." Then I told him he could come by after work (I live within walking distance from the bar). We didn't hook up last night. He just held me, kissed me, and we fell asleep together. It was sweet. Anyway, this relationship is starting to get weird. The thing is, this is normally how I start dating someone, so it's *normal* in a way. The only reason it's weird is because my friends called him "creepy" when he hung out with me one time at the house (just because he's older) and because I can't imagine dating someone so much older. I want someone to grow old with, and I don't see it lasting long-term because of the age difference. But he makes me laugh. He values my opinions. He doesn't play games. He is honest and genuine. He's attentive. He has the same political beliefs as me and he has an artistic side (which are qualities that are important to me). He's active and works out which inspires me to be healthier. He's a great listener. I like being around him...but I'm so afraid of what people will think. I don't even know if he wants to date me. However, his last relationship lasted 5 years and she was significantly younger than him as well. If he's dated much-younger girls in the past, maybe it's just something he likes to do. I heard she broke his heart, which makes me think that he's a softie. He's told me before, "I don't relate to a lot of people my age. They don't like to have fun." Another time, I talked to him about our age difference he said, "I don't care about that. You make me laugh. You make me smile." He has a good heart. I can tell. He's kind. I want to pursue something...I want to get to know him better, but I just have so many doubts. Like why is he 43 and not married? Does that mean there's something wrong with him, or was he just unlucky? What has he been doing with his life that he's lived twice as long as me for? It just feels crazy...but the feelings are definitely there. What does everyone think?
Imported Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) Getting married is not the priority for everyone at the generally agreed upon time by the majority of people. Majority does not mean everyone. Some people marry out of fear of being alone and then they get divorced. kinda like guys afraid of being virgins and paying a hooker to get it over with. Not everyone has those fears, some people actually remain single till the find the right person and not just accept whatever. 1 to 21 seems like forever. 21 to 43 goes by fast. Edited November 8, 2012 by Imported 1
angie2443 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think there are certain guys on here who are going to looooove your post. I would be careful with this guy, and remember, if a 40 year old hasn't grown mentally/emotionally past the age of 25, there's most likely something wrong with him.
jefermelesyeux Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Never in my life have I considered dating someone significantly older than me until now. I work with him. He's fit and handsome and looks like he's in his 30's. We've always been flirtatious but I never thought anything of it. After all, he's old enough to be my father. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago we were hanging out at the bar we work at. After I left he texted me, "Did you get home okay?" I told him I did. He then asked, "Are you still hanging out?" I said, "No, but I'd like to be." We ended up hooking up. ... I want to pursue something...I want to get to know him better, but I just have so many doubts. Like why is he 43 and not married? Does that mean there's something wrong with him, or was he just unlucky? What has he been doing with his life that he's lived twice as long as me for? It just feels crazy...but the feelings are definitely there. What does everyone think? just so you know, i cut out a big portion of your text that i quoted only to save space. i did read it all. personally, i think age is just a number. you've listed all the qualities in him that you like, you've said there are feelings. that's good enough for me. if he makes you happy, i say go for it. my own personal rule is that i won't date anyone more than 10 years older than me (i am also 21)...but that doesn't mean i think everyone should abide by the same rule- it's just a preference of mine. you also mentioned you're scared of what people will think, your friends called him 'creepy,' etc. but who cares what anyone thinks? i understand what it's like to be afraid of not having a friend's/family member's approval, but it's not about them. it's about you and only you. i'm gay- i was afraid of what my family/friends would think, but it all turned out ok and i'm very happy with myself. i know it's not the same but it's not entirely different either. love knows no limits, so i think you should follow your heart. 1
Jag Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 A family friend was in a similar position, ten years ago, they are married and have two great children, where in life do you see yourself? ...settling down? Where does he want to be? 1
Frank13 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Being old isn't creepy, but being old and chasing people young enough to be your children is a bit. Maybe to you. In a previous thread, you just can't accept that some young women like older guys. Here is a perfect example of you being proved wrong. There are so many posts here on LS by women who are madly in love with guys that treat them like crap. Here the OP says why she likes the guy and you shoot her down over a number. 1
jefermelesyeux Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 also, i forgot to mention that as you get older, age difference matters less. as long as you know he's genuine in how he says he feels for you, i see no problem. 1
Frank13 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 A family friend was in a similar position, ten years ago, they are married and have two great children, where in life do you see yourself? ...settling down? Where does he want to be? According to monicaelise, this is wrong and creepy. Please tell your family friend to get divorced. (just kidding). 1
2sure Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 It seems creepy to your friends and to me because it is creepy. But not in a dangerous way , and if you don't care what anyone else thinks good for you and give it a go. It's not like you're going to marry the guy. There is something to be said for the whole older guy thing. I've done it. One more thing though. My daughter is younger than you but when she is 21 if she ever introduces me to her 43 year old boyfriend, he will not live to see another day. Completely serious. 5
MrCastle Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I just have to put this out there. I've never seen an older man date a younger woman for anything other than easy sex. You always hear how dating is easier for guys in their 30s and since this guy looks 30ish, I would group him in there as well. I don't understand why women go for older men but they usually end up getting hurt. If you're just into casual sex than this is not a problem but if you expect anything more to come out of this, I doubt anything will. Older guys date younger women because it's just so much easier. I'm seeing it now at 25. Girls who are 18 in my school offering themselves to me on a silver platter. I always reject. My rule is no one under 21, but I can just imagine how easy it would be if I said screw it and went with it. 4
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Mmmm, ewww. I'm 42 and I can't fathom dating someone your age. You're younger than my son. I realize that the dynamic is a bit different, insofar as I'm a woman, but your friends are probably right. Any person in their forties who feels they can't relate to people their own age because those people don't know how to fun probably has a few issues. As you age, your idea of fun should evolve in conjunction with your life experience. Something is amiss when it hasn't. If you were 50 and he was 70, or even 30 and 50, the situation might be a little less creepy, but the fact is you're barely out of high school and this is a man who is smack dab in the middle of middle-age. Being old isn't creepy, but being old and chasing people young enough to be your children is a bit. Well I'm not "barely out of high school," I graduated high school 4 years ago. Believe it or not the 4 years between age 17 and 21 you grow a lot. I've moved to California (across the country from my family) for a year on my own; moved in together with a boyfriend of 3 years; broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years; lived in Spain for 4 months. I am incredibly independent and have experienced plenty of life outside of a high school bubble. Don't say I'm "barely out of high school" to try to make it sound like I don't know who I am or what I want out of life. Your reaction saying "eww" is exactly what I'm afraid of. People are making me feel ashamed for how I feel. And when he said people his age don't like to have fun, it's because he works in a bar, he's around a younger crowd that likes to drink, also he doesn't have a wife and kids like his same-age "settled down" friends do. Apparently he also has a lot of friends his own age who get offended by foul language.
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 A family friend was in a similar position, ten years ago, they are married and have two great children, where in life do you see yourself? ...settling down? Where does he want to be? Where in life do I see myself? I've always wanted to get married and have kids, maybe not for a few years, but settling down is definitely a goal for me. Definitely want to work on a career as well. And I haven't talked to him about where he wants to be because we are in the very early stages where I'm still deciding if I should even be trying to pursue him/get to know him more.
angie2443 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 It seems creepy to your friends and to me because it is creepy. But not in a dangerous way , and if you don't care what anyone else thinks good for you and give it a go. It's not like you're going to marry the guy. There is something to be said for the whole older guy thing. I've done it. One more thing though. My daughter is younger than you but when she is 21 if she ever introduces me to her 43 year old boyfriend, he will not live to see another day. Completely serious. My girl is just 5 now, but I totally get what you're saying about the guy not seeing another day. I did the older guy thing to. They are usually extra nice to women who are a lot younger than them and they usually pay for a lot more. It's bad, but true, at least for me. At the same time, watching how most older guy/younger girl relationships played out, and knowing what I know now as someone who's been around a bit, I'm disgusted with the older guys who went after me when I was young. IMO, these aren't decent guys. 2
Nyla Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think that if as man prefers to date women young enough to be his daughter, he has severe control and maturity issues. I used to date men who were much too old for me, until I noticed that most of them were bossy, manipulative and just wanted to use me for sex. When I was your age, I dated a man who was 32. He wanted to dominate and mold me. It was terrible. My husband is eight years older than me. That is a comfortable age difference for us. The difference is I was a 25 year old who had lived independently for years and had some experience under my belt when I met my hubby. Dating a coworker is a recipe for disaster. When things go south, it will be awkward seeing your ex every day....especially if they start shagging someone else you both work with. Why are you calling it a relationship? All the two of you did was have sex. Sex does NOT mean exclusivity.
angie2443 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Well I'm not "barely out of high school," I graduated high school 4 years ago. Believe it or not the 4 years between age 17 and 21 you grow a lot. I've moved to California (across the country from my family) for a year on my own; moved in together with a boyfriend of 3 years; broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years; lived in Spain for 4 months. I am incredibly independent and have experienced plenty of life outside of a high school bubble. Don't say I'm "barely out of high school" to try to make it sound like I don't know who I am or what I want out of life. Your reaction saying "eww" is exactly what I'm afraid of. People are making me feel ashamed for how I feel. And when he said people his age don't like to have fun, it's because he works in a bar, he's around a younger crowd that likes to drink, also he doesn't have a wife and kids like his same-age "settled down" friends do. Apparently he also has a lot of friends his own age who get offended by foul language. Go for it then. Life experience is a great teacher. 2
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 It seems creepy to your friends and to me because it is creepy. But not in a dangerous way , and if you don't care what anyone else thinks good for you and give it a go. It's not like you're going to marry the guy. There is something to be said for the whole older guy thing. I've done it. One more thing though. My daughter is younger than you but when she is 21 if she ever introduces me to her 43 year old boyfriend, he will not live to see another day. Completely serious. I just don't quite GET why it's creepy. If two people like one another, make each other laugh, enjoy one another's company? I think people are being discriminatory and age-ist when they say that. But I do value my friends opinions which is why I am concerned. It was my 2 girlfriends (22 and 24 y/o) that say he's creepy. BUT my girlfriend who is also a coworker (26) has known him for a few years and she didn't judge me at all, I think because she knows him and that he's a good guy. And I think you're right, if I ever brought home a 43 y/o boyfriend to my parents (who are 47 and 58) they would definitely NOT be happy. 1
Nyla Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Well I'm not "barely out of high school," I graduated high school 4 years ago. Believe it or not the 4 years between age 17 and 21 you grow a lot. I've moved to California (across the country from my family) for a year on my own; moved in together with a boyfriend of 3 years; broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years; lived in Spain for 4 months. I am incredibly independent and have experienced plenty of life outside of a high school bubble. Don't say I'm "barely out of high school" to try to make it sound like I don't know who I am or what I want out of life. Your reaction saying "eww" is exactly what I'm afraid of. People are making me feel ashamed for how I feel. And when he said people his age don't like to have fun, it's because he works in a bar, he's around a younger crowd that likes to drink, also he doesn't have a wife and kids like his same-age "settled down" friends do. Apparently he also has a lot of friends his own age who get offended by foul language. Your brain is not even finished developing until you are between the ages of 25-30. While it is normal for a 21 year old to think they know it all, I can assure you that when you get older, you will see how little you knew at this age. This is not an insult but a fact of life. Part of being an adult is not caring about what others think of you. You alone have to live your truth, so your own approval is what truly matters. Your boyfriend sounds rather immature. It is sadly common for a middle aged man to get a young girlfriend when he is having a midlife crisis. People make snide remarks about my husband looking old all the time. It is usually women who are unhappily single. I know they are just jealous because my husband treats me like a princess. 1
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Why are you calling it a relationship? All the two of you did was have sex. Sex does NOT mean exclusivity. I didn't mean relationship in the exclusive sense, I meant it in more of this dictionary.com term, as in "connection" like this connection between us is getting weird, this "involvement" between us is getting weird. re·la·tion·ship [ri-ley-shuh n-ship] noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement. 2. connection between persons by blood or marriage. 3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students. 4. a sexual involvement; affair.
Nyla Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Gotcha. What makes you feel weird about this situation?
Under The Radar Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I just have to put this out there. I've never seen an older man date a younger woman for anything other than easy sex. You always hear how dating is easier for guys in their 30s and since this guy looks 30ish, I would group him in there as well. I don't understand why women go for older men but they usually end up getting hurt. If you're just into casual sex than this is not a problem but if you expect anything more to come out of this, I doubt anything will. Older guys date younger women because it's just so much easier. I'm seeing it now at 25. Girls who are 18 in my school offering themselves to me on a silver platter. I always reject. My rule is no one under 21, but I can just imagine how easy it would be if I said screw it and went with it. This is a true gentleman. I admire your restraint and moral code, good sir. 3
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 No offence cmr88, but if you don't like my take on this, perhaps you should pay attention to the response of the adult male parents who are replying. I am paying a lot of attention to what everyone is saying to me. Even if I don't like the advice some people give I have to accept the fact that age does make people wiser so even if I don't like what I'm hearing it may or may not be true. I posted on this board to get different takes on the situation and I really do appreciate everyone taking their time to share their thoughts. I mean I've heard stories about age-gap relationships succeeding AND failing, everyone has their own experiences and has encountered different kinds of people in their lives, so who knows. 1
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Gotcha. What makes you feel weird about this situation? I feel weird because huge age differences like these can be a controversial topic. Also because I never imagined myself developing feelings for an older man.
jefermelesyeux Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Where in life do I see myself? I've always wanted to get married and have kids, maybe not for a few years, but settling down is definitely a goal for me. Definitely want to work on a career as well. And I haven't talked to him about where he wants to be because we are in the very early stages where I'm still deciding if I should even be trying to pursue him/get to know him more. i would say this is important to consider as well. it's good that you want to get married and have kids, but i think the natural progression of things is to have a successful career before settling down. not saying it has to go that way or that it always does, but that just seems like how it tends to happen, typically. that being said, if he's 42, he's running out of time to have kids. i mean it's never too late, but if he were to have a kid now, he would be 62 when his kid turned 20. not necessarily bad, just something to think about. this is why i set the 10-year limit for myself. i also want to have a career and be successful beforehand, and i want to allow myself a lot more time to do that. i am not trying to encourage you to rush into anything. and like you said, you're still trying to figure out if you want to further things with him. i'm just giving you things to possibly take into consideration.
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) I just have to put this out there. I've never seen an older man date a younger woman for anything other than easy sex. You always hear how dating is easier for guys in their 30s and since this guy looks 30ish, I would group him in there as well. I don't understand why women go for older men but they usually end up getting hurt. If you're just into casual sex than this is not a problem but if you expect anything more to come out of this, I doubt anything will. Older guys date younger women because it's just so much easier. I'm seeing it now at 25. Girls who are 18 in my school offering themselves to me on a silver platter. I always reject. My rule is no one under 21, but I can just imagine how easy it would be if I said screw it and went with it. Ok...well my parents met when my mom was 25 and my dad was 36 and they've been married for 20+ years. So I definitely don't believe that older guys only date younger girls for easy sex. Also there's a big difference between a 25 y/o male and a man who is 35-45. I've dated a few guys between ages 24 and 27 and they were all incredibly immature. They still behaved like children, didn't know how to treat me right, played mind games with me. I have this idea that guys in their 20's are immature jerks at this point. Edited November 8, 2012 by cmr88 cursed by accident
Author cmr88 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 i would say this is important to consider as well. it's good that you want to get married and have kids, but i think the natural progression of things is to have a successful career before settling down. not saying it has to go that way or that it always does, but that just seems like how it tends to happen, typically. that being said, if he's 42, he's running out of time to have kids. i mean it's never too late, but if he were to have a kid now, he would be 62 when his kid turned 20. not necessarily bad, just something to think about. this is why i set the 10-year limit for myself. i also want to have a career and be successful beforehand, and i want to allow myself a lot more time to do that. i am not trying to encourage you to rush into anything. and like you said, you're still trying to figure out if you want to further things with him. i'm just giving you things to possibly take into consideration. Yeah lol I'm definitely not thinking about having kids with him at all. That is a good point though.
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