youngnlove89 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 So after not listening to everyone on here, I figured I'd go with my feelings and man did I run with them. I went back to my ex-bf, everything was dandy for a couple months. Besides a glitch here and there. And then today, he told me he wants to end things. But here's the catch. Even though I can honestly say I do love him and care for him, I can feel that my feelings have changed in some way. The sex was different, I didn't feel as connected as I used to. I was becoming more upset and angry and distant towards him. And a little part of me knew that it would eventually all come to an end. I just didn't want to believe it. Nothing changed. There were no miracles. He said he loves me but not that way. He said he still is firm on his decision of not wanting to be boyfriend/girlfriend. But I convinced myself that it wasn't what I wanted either, when it really was. So when I realized that I was with a guy who couldn't offer me what I wanted, I became bitter and I pushed him away. So here I am, on LS, I hope this time I get a warm welcome and hopefully not a ton of negative responses. As for how I am handling it, I feel fine. But it just happened 5 hours ago. This is only the 46th time we broke up (sarcasm) so it's not like I haven't been here before. I feel relieved. But I hope I can be strong this time and be stern on moving on. I deleted his number because I don't have it memorized by heart so I have no way of contacting him. I told him to please respect my privacy and not contact me anymore. He did. I just feel disappointed, kind of like being sad and mad at the same time. I am sad that I was rejected and mad that I let him hurt me again. Anyways, I could use some positive reinforcement.
gullibleme Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 What your feeling is good actually...you are ahead of the game so to speak...I went through the same thing towards the end of my relationship. He asked me three times if he could have another chance, each time it was like a little bit of me was slowly fading away from him. The sex was different and the feelings were off a bit,,,I loved him and missed the connection when it ended but I could tell it really wasn't what I wanted after all. I became pissed at one point and sent him an e-mail telling him off in a way because I just felt humiliated that he put me through so much and then went on his merry way...It was my closure though and I did it for me...holding in my thoughts of everything I didn't say was pure torture for me...I now am slowly beginning to think of happy times with him...I had to stay negative for quite a while to just stop wanting him back...but it is all good now and don't ever expect to hear from him again and I'm just fine with that...I look forward to meeting someone new and having the relationship I want with a man who wants me... hang in there it does get better...
cloudatlas Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think you did the right thing! You had a second chance, and were more realistic and gave yourself some time to get more unattached. So you tried again and it didn't work out. At least you tried. That's always better than What If's.
Author youngnlove89 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 What your feeling is good actually...you are ahead of the game so to speak...I went through the same thing towards the end of my relationship. He asked me three times if he could have another chance, each time it was like a little bit of me was slowly fading away from him. The sex was different and the feelings were off a bit,,,I loved him and missed the connection when it ended but I could tell it really wasn't what I wanted after all. I became pissed at one point and sent him an e-mail telling him off in a way because I just felt humiliated that he put me through so much and then went on his merry way...It was my closure though and I did it for me...holding in my thoughts of everything I didn't say was pure torture for me...I now am slowly beginning to think of happy times with him...I had to stay negative for quite a while to just stop wanting him back...but it is all good now and don't ever expect to hear from him again and I'm just fine with that...I look forward to meeting someone new and having the relationship I want with a man who wants me... hang in there it does get better... Thanks. He told me that all the back and forth with our relationship wore him down, as it did for me too. It just wasn't stable. I love him in the way that he is a good person and a loyal friend and I know that I will miss that. I was with him for a year and a half. I know I will miss the routine of being with him and seeing him. It's like me ordering my Starbucks every day, for the past 5 years I got into the routine of driving to Starbucks to get coffee before work every morning. I don't necessarily want the coffee and I don't necessarily crave it everyday but I'm so used to it that my body naturally just gets in the car and drives there. And if I skip a day, I have withdrawals because I'm so used to the routine of it. That's my best analogy of how I feel. I will miss my ex because he was a big part of my life the last year and half. Now his presence will be absent and I will definitely notice that void, and I definitely will feel the emptiness and for awhile I will have withdrawals, so to speak. But i know it is for the best. When a guy doesn't see a future with you, let him go. Lesson learned.
gullibleme Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 That is a great analogy...we were together a year and a half also..withdrawals are hard and thats when I really need to focus on the times that were not so good...it's my own coping mechanism..I was feeling so sad it was really detrimental...now that I have my self back I could actually talk to him if he initiated it but hopefully he won't..lol...I would be afraid of falling backwards in my healing...hears to good healing for the both of us!! 1
KatZee Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 But here's the catch. Even though I can honestly say I do love him and care for him, I can feel that my feelings have changed in some way. The sex was different, I didn't feel as connected as I used to. Welcome back. I hope I don't come off too negative with this I'm just confused. This status "update" isn't really an update at all. It's the same stuff you said right before you decided to run with the wind and go back to your ex. It's basically verbatim. You weren't as connected, you didn't feel so in love, you didn't want him... but then you went back. So what's different THIS time? And through your updates I don't even see progression with the relationship. It's you both running around the hamster wheel and just having sex, him saying you're not it, that he doesn't love you "like that" you running back for sex, deciding to go back, him dumping you, rinse, repeat... blah blah blah. This is not so much negative as it just being straight confusion. So I mean what happens now? You never going to talk to him ever again? Or a few days from now he'll hit you up to "hang out" and then you'll be like woops I just had sex with him again... what exactly is the plan now? You'll get positive reinforcement if you have a plan and you stick with it.
CptSaveAho Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Before everyone's quick to judge... even you katzee have been guilty of what shes doing/going through she's progressing from the last time she posted
KatZee Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) Before everyone's quick to judge... even you katzee have been guilty of what shes doing/going through she's progressing from the last time she posted Whoa whoa whoa... before you start making generalizations about everyone here and ME you should probably know the facts. Have I been guilty of having sex with an ex? Yes, one. My first love. But the situation was not even remotely close to what's going on here with YoungNLove. My ex and I broke up, we continued on a FWB situation for the remainder of the year. We then just drifted and went into NC not for any reason other than I started dating other guys, he was dating other girls... but then outta no where he showed up and just for giggles we started hooking up again. Under no delusions that we were in love or going to be together, it was straight sex and both of us knew that. We had great chemistry in bed, we were single, it was a good time. That ex wasn't bad for me. He wasn't emotionally or mentally draining. He was the best boyfriend I've had to this day. We were just too young, in college, he wanted to have fun, and have the experience. He never jerked me around, lead me on, said "i wasn't the one" or any of the crap that's going on here. My most current ex more closely resembles YoungNLove's ex. He was the flip flopper, didn't know if he saw a future. He dumped me and that was the last he ever saw of me. He didn't want me so I held the door open for him to leave. I could never, and would never act the way YoungNLove is. I have never been in a situation like this, and would never entertain it for a second. So no. I most certainly am not guilty of doing what she's doing. I'm not saying this to be an a.sshole--just to get the story straight. And just to be honest about the situation read her threads. They go back 6+ months where this guy was jerking her around. She's not it. He doesn't love her. He doesn't see her that way. He just wants to swing by for some free sex. And each and every single time she fell for it. Up until the last thread she posted she wasn't learning a thing. She kept doing the same things, acting the same way, talking the big talk and then crumbling when he pulled his penis out. This most recent update is basically a verbatim regurgitation of the last "update." Nothings changed. The last thread she said she was having sex with him but it was cool b/c she didn't feel the same. Didn't feel connected. The sex was different, not as intimate. OK that was great, we were all happy for her, the emotional bonds were being broken. But what happened after that update? She went back to him! And has been dating him for the past 2 months or so. And here we are again with the same "update." It sucks because I know what it's like to love someone and to want to be with someone, but the ONLY person anyone should ever love this much, is yourself. She has compromised everything about herself. Her dignity, her integrity, her confidence is shot to hell, the self esteem is in the garbage, and I'd say 50% of the reason for all of this is her staying with a guy who was just using her. I don't think anyone can thrive as a person if they're constantly told "you're not the one I want to be with" or "I don't love you like that." It makes you feel worthless, and it sucks because I see it all the time. When someone says that to another person, that person thinks, "what is wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Why doesn't he want me? What can I do to make him want me?" And all of those questions are self-destructive. There is nothing wrong with the OP. This relationship was just not one that was meant to be, and I think everyone saw that from thread number 2 but instead it's been dragged out for months and months and months and months. If you follow her original threads you'll see the common trend of people essentially "giving up" on this case because she continues down the same path repeatedly. We were/are all here to help, but OP needs to do the majority work herself. I think us frequent posters are all aware of this situation, and I think that may be why there is a lack of response on this thread. We've seen it, same mistakes being made, same "updates"... Time for you OP to do something new. Tell us all REALLY why this will be the last time. Tell us you'll never speak to him again. Prove us wrong this time. Edited November 8, 2012 by KatZee
KatZee Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 same difference... its her first love Same difference? Not even close. Those 2 situations aren't even in the same ballpark. And are we sure about this?
LostOne1 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Its good you got a second chance.. at least this way you both know you tried but it didn't work. And to move on with a second chance to try and see if changes happen.. is so much more relaxing than wanting a second chance and never getting it. Now is the time for you to move on and know you did your best and he did and it wasn't meant to be. Enjoy your life now and work on what you want from life for yourself.
flitzanu Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 it's been like a week. in 20 minutes when you start thinking you should call him, maybe you should. or shouldn't.
Author youngnlove89 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 When I just read KatZee's comment, it just broke me down. Because she is right. I don't expect for you to believe me, I don't even believe me. Because I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in. But I broke down crying right now because I can see how much he didn't love me. And that hurts. It just hurts. Plain and simple. Because why did I love someone who didn't give two ****s about me? Who just used me for sex? Who was okay with saying, "I love you, but I will never love you that way" Why do I accept this person? I have no clue. I am sad when I'm with him and I'm sad when I'm without him. And it could take counseling or a therapist to sort it all out. Maybe I have deep issues that make me vulnerable to this kind of situation. Who knows. But I don't have the money to ask questions. That's why I'm here. The truth hurts. And I'm not here to prove anything to any of you. I'm only here to prove it to myself. But to ****yawn**** at my post? That's rude and if you have nothing nice to say don't say it to me then. I would never yawn at someone's true raw feelings. I can't help how I feel. I'm here to sort it out. And to be honest, I just feel worse now. Maybe I should just stop coming here, because in the beginning the advice made me feel more powerful and gave me the courage to move on and then I started getting beaten up on and now being yawned at and saying it's the same old merry go round and not having the faith in me. It's all discouraging and makes me wonder why I even come back on here.
Under The Radar Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 When I just read KatZee's comment, it just broke me down. Because she is right. I don't expect for you to believe me, I don't even believe me. Because I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in. But I broke down crying right now because I can see how much he didn't love me. And that hurts. It just hurts. Plain and simple. Because why did I love someone who didn't give two ****s about me? Who just used me for sex? Who was okay with saying, "I love you, but I will never love you that way" Why do I accept this person? I have no clue. I am sad when I'm with him and I'm sad when I'm without him. And it could take counseling or a therapist to sort it all out. Maybe I have deep issues that make me vulnerable to this kind of situation. Who knows. But I don't have the money to ask questions. That's why I'm here. The truth hurts. And I'm not here to prove anything to any of you. I'm only here to prove it to myself. But to ****yawn**** at my post? That's rude and if you have nothing nice to say don't say it to me then. I would never yawn at someone's true raw feelings. I can't help how I feel. I'm here to sort it out. And to be honest, I just feel worse now. Maybe I should just stop coming here, because in the beginning the advice made me feel more powerful and gave me the courage to move on and then I started getting beaten up on and now being yawned at and saying it's the same old merry go round and not having the faith in me. It's all discouraging and makes me wonder why I even come back on here. Don't let unhelpful or rude posts bother you. Take the positive/supportive posts to heart and dismiss the rest. For instance, Kat wrote an amazing message to you that, by your own admission, really sheds light on your situation. It's comments like these that will, hopefully, guide your decisions for the better .
KatZee Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 You should look at Mishy's thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/355922-had-sex-him The only person I thought of when reading her posts was you. You're pretty much a carbon copy of Mishy. Both going back to toxic and draining individuals. Unable to break the ties, unable to stop running in circles. There was a book recommended to her. Although I did recommend Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl I no longer feel that book is for you. Sure it was good to get the insight as to what kind of guy you were with, but at the end of the day you still decided to chase after him, despite everything you know about him. What you need now is a book to help YOU. The book is called How to Break Your Addiction to a Person. How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: Howard Halpern: 9780553382495: Amazon.com: Books These threads need to stop being about this ex. He is who he is. Accept it. He's not in love with you, he doesn't want you, he enjoys the sex with you but as far as serious commitment, it ain't going to happen. You know this, I know this, everyone here knows this. You need to take the focus off of HIM and turn it onto yourself. It really doesn't matter anymore why he doesn't love you, or why he doesn't see a relationship with you, or why he acts or does or says certain things. Just forget it. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to analyze his behavior, it's not worth all the effort. The only thing you can control and fix right now, is yourself. You would benefit from a counselor, I think you'll benefit from that book. You need to raise your self esteem and your self worth and your confidence. You need to create boundaries and stick to them. You need to write a list of things you need and deserve and BELIEVE those things. The only update I want to see on here from you is that you've gone into counseling, you've removed him from your life, and you're taking active steps to fixing yourself.
flitzanu Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 When I just read KatZee's comment, it just broke me down. Because she is right. I don't expect for you to believe me, I don't even believe me. Because I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in. But I broke down crying right now because I can see how much he didn't love me. And that hurts. It just hurts. Plain and simple. Because why did I love someone who didn't give two ****s about me? Who just used me for sex? Who was okay with saying, "I love you, but I will never love you that way" Why do I accept this person? I have no clue. I am sad when I'm with him and I'm sad when I'm without him. And it could take counseling or a therapist to sort it all out. Maybe I have deep issues that make me vulnerable to this kind of situation. Who knows. But I don't have the money to ask questions. That's why I'm here. The truth hurts. And I'm not here to prove anything to any of you. I'm only here to prove it to myself. But to ****yawn**** at my post? That's rude and if you have nothing nice to say don't say it to me then. I would never yawn at someone's true raw feelings. I can't help how I feel. I'm here to sort it out. And to be honest, I just feel worse now. Maybe I should just stop coming here, because in the beginning the advice made me feel more powerful and gave me the courage to move on and then I started getting beaten up on and now being yawned at and saying it's the same old merry go round and not having the faith in me. It's all discouraging and makes me wonder why I even come back on here. you ever read the old fairy tale about "the boy who cried wolf"?
Author youngnlove89 Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 you ever read the old fairy tale about "the boy who cried wolf"? what are you implying?
beyond Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Come on girl. You KNOW you are doing the right thing by not having him in your life. You KNOW he doesn't want you the same way you want him. You KNOW it will just happen again and again if you go back to him. As Katzee in her excellent post said, you need to focus on YOU now and realise that you are worth so much more.
flitzanu Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 what are you implying? not implying anything, just asking if you read it or are familiar with it. you were talking about how everyone is so impartial and "beating you up" now about your story, and how at first everyone was rushing to help you. typical human reaction is, that when someone tells the same problematic story over and over, and continues bringing that problem upon themselves, people will often just stop bothering to waste their breath in helping those people because it becomes obvious they don't want help. the boy cried wolf and people kept coming to help, and eventually they realized he wasn't going to change and stopped believing that he wanted help. so they stopped coming when he cried wolf.
KatZee Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 not implying anything, just asking if you read it or are familiar with it. you were talking about how everyone is so impartial and "beating you up" now about your story, and how at first everyone was rushing to help you. typical human reaction is, that when someone tells the same problematic story over and over, and continues bringing that problem upon themselves, people will often just stop bothering to waste their breath in helping those people because it becomes obvious they don't want help. the boy cried wolf and people kept coming to help, and eventually they realized he wasn't going to change and stopped believing that he wanted help. so they stopped coming when he cried wolf. I get what you're saying, but wasn't the Boy who Cried Wolf the story of a liar? He lied and lied and lied, and when he finally told the truth, no one believed him. #Technicalities I don't think OP is lying about wanting to break free-- but I get what you're saying.
flitzanu Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 I get what you're saying, but wasn't the Boy who Cried Wolf the story of a liar? He lied and lied and lied, and when he finally told the truth, no one believed him. #Technicalities I don't think OP is lying about wanting to break free-- but I get what you're saying. correct, i don't think she's lying either. just the only well-known story that made sense with what i was trying to say 1
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