BetheButterfly Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 feel like i am back at square one. Why in the hell did i do that Because you haven't learned how to say no and stay away from blankety-blanks who only want to blank with you. Don't let blankety-blanks use you ok? True gentlemen are worth their weight in gold, but blankety-blanks are worth keeping away from your heart AND body!!! Mishy, you need to respect yourself. If you don't, many guys don't have the decency to respect you. I know you want love. Many people do. Love and respect go hand in hand. You need to pull yourself together and write a list of the qualities you want in a man. Then, you need to decide that you're not going to make love with a guy until he's proven to you that he has those qualities on your list, ok? And him proving himself to you takes time and it takes him building an emotional connection with you, as well as it takes him being a man of integrity. It takes him respecting you and not playing with your heart.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I kind of don't have much sympathy for mishy anymore. She has been doing this for 5 YEARS. I remember her previous posts. Each time she wants to end it, each time is the final time and it goes on and on. Sure, this guy is a jerk. But at this point, mishy is wasting her life away. And it is HER choice to stay in this situation. I am sure this will go on for next 25 years too. Or however long it's convenient for him. I don't have much respect for people that are that weak and refuse to look at where her choices have gotten her. She can talk the talk but can't walk the walk. This is where I'm at. It's hard to want to help someone who has no interest in helping themselves.
Author mishy Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 I kind of don't have much sympathy for mishy anymore. She has been doing this for 5 YEARS. I remember her previous posts. Each time she wants to end it, each time is the final time and it goes on and on. Sure, this guy is a jerk. But at this point, mishy is wasting her life away. And it is HER choice to stay in this situation. I am sure this will go on for next 25 years too. Or however long it's convenient for him. I don't have much respect for people that are that weak and refuse to look at where her choices have gotten her. She can talk the talk but can't walk the walk. i don't need sympathy, i just want to get out of it. I was doing really well until this happened yesterday. I understand that no one believes me that i want to end this situation, but i really do. I know i have a really unhealthy addiction to him. I have no other addiction tendencies, i dont drink or smoke, have never taken drugs apart from trying pot like a long time ago. When you say i am weak, well really in all other areas of my life i am very strong. People have always told me i am a very strong person, including my mum. So when you say weak, that is not my general personality. But with HIM yes i am weak. Yesterday was such a massive mistake.
geegirl Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 What will you do when he comes to fix the lock. Shows up unexpectedly? Because he will. There is no point rehashing what you did but let's focus on what you will do. This has been going on for 5 years so what about this meeting makes you want to change paths because this is what you said in your recent threads but all that went out the door and you welcomed him back. When these emotions die down and he comes around, what will you do?
Author mishy Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Mishy thanks for clarfying and being so honest. I still think the guy is a toe rag. I still think he is manipulating you and will continue to do so. He cheats on his girlfriend and not only that, has you believing its 100% your fault. What TheLword said above is very true. Its equivalent to an addict looking for a hit. This doesn't just go away. Its a huge test of character and hard work to move past all this. I've been there. If you go NC he will be back. That is a promise..I would like to recommend a book "how to break an addiction to a person". You have to be willing to try help yourself though. Reading this book is a way of helping yourself. Right now you are not helping yourself. I've been there Mishy. No one could talk sense to me either. There is not one day that goes by, that I don't think about the girl that brought me to LS. I've thought about breaking NC numerous times. I used to say to myself "if we forgave each other and did it different we could be amazing". There is no logic in that statement, especially since the last 3 months of the relationship were toxic and all trust in each other forever shattered. Now I know all this and thats why I will never break NC or ever go back even if the situation ever arose (which is impossible). Hard work and time brings amazing clarity. My ex that brought me here has a good heart, but it will be another man who makes her happy and gives her the things I couldn't and vice versa for me. That was over 18 months ago but it's still hard. I still have feelings for her. I even replaced her with a 'clone' of her after 4 months had passed. At the time (over a year ago) I couldn't figure all this out. I really couldn't. I was an emotional mess. I may have thought I was in control, but emotionally I had lost it. I was giving advice here on LS and I was the worst person to be giving it! All logic had out the window. I understood the logic that was being said to me, I just didn't care. I wanted her and nothing anyone said to me made a blind bit of difference. The only person that can get you out of this is you. I bought the book you recommended just now on Ebay, so thankyou very much I know, yes its the same guy 5 years, and im ashamed
Simon Phoenix Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 i don't need sympathy, i just want to get out of it. I don't think you do to be quite honest. If you did, you would have. No one stays in a toxic situation like this for five years if "they want to get out of it". You want to win him over. Be honest.
geegirl Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I don't think you do to be quite honest. If you did, you would have. No one stays in a toxic situation like this for five years if "they want to get out of it". You want to win him over. Be honest. The brain wants to do the right thing but the heart wants the other. We've all been there. Some take a little longer than others to get there. Hopefully this time it sticks.
Under The Radar Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) Mishy, As you already know, your obsession with this man is an addiction. Much like heroin, you keep seeking that last "fix", and then "everything will be ok". I have read the book that Mack recommended to you. It is excellent and really sheds light on the type of relationship you are currently stuck in. It pains me to see you continue down this path. I, too, had a very difficult time extracting myself from my previous relationship. The push and pull tactics that this man uses on you were something I experienced too. I would think that all of the relationship problems were my fault and continue to place my girlfriend on a pedestal. It was a mistake and an illusion. I was addicted to what I hoped the relationship could be. I was in love with the idea of being truly in love with her. I created a fantasy in my head of how special she was. If I could just do one more supreme act of kindness, or say the right things, then everything would be ok. She would love me, externally validate me as an amazing boyfriend, and we would get married some day. It only got worse and the toxicity was inexplicable Everyone around me could see the relationship destroying every aspect of my life. I used to joke around and make people laugh. I was a positive person and everybody saw me as strong. I had color in my face, an attractive appearance, and ambition. I lossed all of that due to a deep depression. My weight dropped significantly, I had bags under my eyes, and I was pale. I looked sickly and felt like a zombie walking around planet earth. I would wait by the phone for her breadcrumbs and constantly rationalize my still being in the relationship. This went on for quite a long time In the end, my best friend (his name is Fred) helped me pull the plug. My girlfriend was giving me the silent treatment again with an occasional breadcrumb here and there. I was miserable and just wanted it to be over. Like you, I was still holding on even though nothing of value was left. I got an e-mail from her that was designed to reel me back in and start the entire process all over again. If I repeated history, then almost assuredly I'd crawl back into her web and become abused some more. My friend looked at the e-mail and then at me. He asked me what I intended to do. I told him I would do nothing; I would not respond to her message. I just had to try and move on somehow and begin the healing process. It was then that he began to cry; I had never seen him cry before in my life. He sat me down and said that he couldn't bear to watch me go through this anymore. He said I had control to respond to her e-mail and end things between us. Through tears he said we'd always be friends no matter what my decision was. However, he said that if I continued the relationship with this woman, he could never talk to me about her again. He told me that to see such an intelligent, successful, attractive man continue to re-enter this cycle of abuse and misery over the years was too much to witness. He could no longer bear to watch me self destruct WHEN I KNEW BETTER! Seeing my friend cry like that, when he was the toughest guy I knew, finally gave me the strength to end things between us. I logged back onto the computer and replied to her e-mail. I told her that it was over and to please not contact me. I wished her well in life and then went hardcore NC. That was 18 months ago and I am doing tremendously better. Like you, I thought I would never get out of my relationship and was doomed to suffer. In the end, I had to break away. I had the power to walk and save myself all along. The posters on Loveshack who have commented time and again to help you are YOUR FRED. We have tears streaming down our faces begging you to end this madness. We understand your pain and know what you are going through. Read the book, keep coming on LS for help, but for your own sake stay NC from this man. I was able to break away from my toxic relationship and you can too! Edited November 9, 2012 by Training Revelations 2
Author mishy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Mishy, As you already know, your obsession with this man is an addiction. Much like heroin, you keep seeking that last "fix", and then "everything will be ok". I have read the book that Mack recommended to you. It is excellent and really sheds light on the type of relationship you are currently stuck in. It pains me to see you continue down this path. I, too, had a very difficult time extracting myself from my previous relationship. The push and pull tactics that this man uses on you were something I experienced too. I would think that all of the relationship problems were my fault and continue to place my girlfriend on a pedestal. It was a mistake and an illusion. I was addicted to what I hoped the relationship could be. I was in love with the idea of being truly in love with her. I created a fantasy in my head of how special she was. If I could just do one more supreme act of kindness, or say the right things, then everything would be ok. She would love me, externally validate me as an amazing boyfriend, and we would get married some day. It only got worse and the toxicity was inexplicable Everyone around me could see the relationship destroying every aspect of my life. I used to joke around and make people laugh. I was a positive person and everybody saw me as strong. I had color in my face, an attractive appearance, and ambition. I lossed all of that due to a deep depression. My weight dropped significantly, I had bags under my eyes, and I was pale. I looked sickly and felt like a zombie walking around planet earth. I would wait by the phone for her breadcrumbs and constantly rationalize my still being in the relationship. This went on for quite a long time In the end, my best friend (his name is Fred) helped me pull the plug. My girlfriend was giving me the silent treatment again with an occasional breadcrumb here and there. I was miserable and just wanted it to be over. Like you, I was still holding on even though nothing of value was left. I got an e-mail from her that was designed to reel me back in and start the entire process all over again. If I repeated history, then almost assuredly I'd crawl back into her web and become abused some more. My friend looked at the e-mail and then at me. He asked me what I intended to do. I told him I would do nothing; I would not respond to her message. I just had to try and move on somehow and begin the healing process. It was then that he began to cry; I had never seen him cry before in my life. He sat me down and said that he couldn't bear to watch me go through this anymore. He said I had control to respond to her e-mail and end things between us. Through tears he said we'd always be friends no matter what my decision was. However, he said that if I continued the relationship with this woman, he could never talk to me about her again. He told me that to see such an intelligent, successful, attractive man continue to re-enter this cycle of abuse and misery over the years was too much to witness. He could no longer bear to watch me self destruct WHEN I KNEW BETTER! Seeing my friend cry like that, when he was the toughest guy I knew, finally gave me the strength to end things between us. I logged back onto the computer and replied to her e-mail. I told her that it was over and to please not contact me. I wished her well in life and then went hardcore NC. That was 18 months ago and I am doing tremendously better. Like you, I thought I would never get out of my relationship and was doomed to suffer. In the end, I had to break away. I had the power to walk and save myself all along. The posters on Loveshack who have commented time and again to help you are YOUR FRED. We have tears streaming down our faces begging you to end this madness. We understand your pain and know what you are going through. Read the book, keep coming on LS for help, but for your own sake stay NC from this man. I was able to break away from my toxic relationship and you can too! Thanks so much for posting your story, Thats how i feel. I walk around feeling like a zombie, especially today. I am sure i don't look as good as i used to. It must have been such a terrible relationship for your friend to cry out of frustration and sadness over it. Thats pretty incredible. He must be an amazing friend, thankgod for him. How did you cope with the initial NC after you sent her the email?I went NC for 13 days a few weeks ago, but once i started feeling better i thought i could handle contact so i did, which was stupid. i should have just stayed NC. I swear this must be like heroin withdrawl/ addiction. I ordered the book but it will be at least week before it gets here
Under The Radar Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) Thanks so much for posting your story, Thats how i feel. I walk around feeling like a zombie, especially today. I am sure i don't look as good as i used to. It must have been such a terrible relationship for your friend to cry out of frustration and sadness over it. Thats pretty incredible. He must be an amazing friend, thankgod for him. How did you cope with the initial NC after you sent her the email?I went NC for 13 days a few weeks ago, but once i started feeling better i thought i could handle contact so i did, which was stupid. i should have just stayed NC. I swear this must be like heroin withdrawl/ addiction. I ordered the book but it will be at least week before it gets here Yes, it was a terrible relationship and my friend is like a brother to me. I did not know about Loveshack at the time, otherwise I would have asked for help like you are. I did see a therapist during the last 2 years of the relationship. My self-esteem was so low I cannot put it into words. My therapist never told me to breakup with her. He wanted me to make that choice. However, he did say that she would NEVER change and that the situation would remain the same. The initial NC, to be honest, was brutal. About two weeks after the breakup I turned to my friend and said, "Are you happy now? I'm a shell of a man because of you!" I was in so much pain because of MY ADDICTION to her. I have never withdrawn from drugs, but I cannot imagine quitting heroin, cold turkey, being any less difficult. He told me you will be fine, it will just take time. I knew I made the right decision, but it didn't make the healing process any easier. I'm not going to lie - it was pure agony! YOU WILL have to go through the pain of withdrawal. There is NO EASY way to transition to recovery. As the months went by the pain and obsessive thoughts began to decrease little by little. I am sitting at 18 months NC and I still think I'm healing, but it is not because I want to be with her. I am healing my self-esteem and confidence. I am able to look back now and see, very clearly, how I was treated. The hardest part of the healing process was learning to forgive myself for putting up with the abuse. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE WAS STAYING AS LONG AS I DID . You may know from my other posts that I am a Personal Trainer. After the breakup, I put my nose to the grindstone, and buried myself in work. I had bought an amazing building a couple of years ago to move my private studio to and the renovations are almost complete. I'm moving in less than 3 weeks to an impressive facility I am not at 100% yet, but I'm getting damn close. I did go out on several dates during the healing process, but I realized I wasn't quite ready for a new relationship. The cool thing is that everyone of the girls I met was interested enough to go on a second date with me. I was honest with all of them about still being wounded, but I gained more confidence from their desire to continue hanging out. I have used this time to better myself and learn how to avoid a relationship like this in the future. REMEMBER: The biggest mistake I ever made in my last relationship was not going NC sooner. If I still get mad at myself to this day it's because I didn't walk when I should have. Stay Strong and Focused Mishy, Josh Edited November 9, 2012 by Training Revelations
Author mishy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Yes, it was a terrible relationship and my friend is like a brother to me. I did not know about Loveshack at the time, otherwise I would have asked for help like you are. I did see a therapist during the last 2 years of the relationship. My self-esteem was so low I cannot put it into words. My therapist never told me to breakup with her. He wanted me to make that choice. However, he did say that she would NEVER change and that the situation would remain the same. The initial NC, to be honest, was brutal. About two weeks after the breakup I turned to my friend and said, "Are you happy now? I'm a shell of a man because of you!" I was in so much pain because of MY ADDICTION to her. I have never withdrawn from drugs, but I cannot imagine quitting heroin, cold turkey, being any less difficult. He told me you will be fine, it will just take time. I knew I made the right decision, but it didn't make the healing process any easier. I'm not going to lie - it was pure agony! YOU WILL have to go through the pain of withdrawal. There is NO EASY way to transition to recovery. As the months went by the pain and obsessive thoughts began to decrease little by little. I am sitting at 18 months NC and I still think I'm healing, but it is not because I want to be with her. I am healing my self-esteem and confidence. I am able to look back now and see, very clearly, how I was treated. The hardest part of the healing process was learning to forgive myself for putting up with the abuse. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE WAS STAYING AS LONG AS I DID . You may know from my other posts that I am a Personal Trainer. After the breakup, I put my nose to the grindstone, and buried myself in work. I had bought an amazing building a couple of years ago to move my private studio to and the renovations are almost complete. I'm moving in less than 3 weeks to an impressive facility I am not at 100% yet, but I'm getting damn close. I did go out on several dates during the healing process, but I realized I wasn't quite ready for a new relationship. The cool thing is that everyone of the girls I met was interested enough to go on a second date with me. I was honest with all of them about still being wounded, but I gained more confidence from their desire to continue hanging out. I have used this time to better myself and learn how to avoid a relationship like this in the future. REMEMBER: The biggest mistake I ever made in my last relationship was not going NC sooner. If I still get mad at myself to this day it's because I didn't walk when I should have. Stay Strong and Focused Mishy, Josh Congratulations on the training studio, that sounds awesome! When you felt the urge to contact her ,and felt that powerful surge to do it, and the agony of trying not to, what did you do to get past that and push through it? In a practical sense what did you do? What did you tell yourself?
Under The Radar Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) Congratulations on the training studio, that sounds awesome! When you felt the urge to contact her ,and felt that powerful surge to do it, and the agony of trying not to, what did you do to get past that and push through it? In a practical sense what did you do? What did you tell yourself? Thanks for the congrats What did I do or tell myself to remain NC? It is going to sound almost too simple, but I reminded myself that things would NEVER change. Why would I want to go back to living my life in such complete and utter turmoil? On top of that, I would have to start NC all over again from scratch, and relive the breakup (like you are experiencing right now ). Beyond that, I kept myself busy with work, hobbies, and surrounded myself with people who love me. Eventually I discovered LS and lurked for a while. I read many people's posts and felt like I was not alone. I bought a ton of books on Borderline Personality Disorder and relationships (my therapist believed she had BPD - though I'm not sure). I joined a gymnastics class (I always wanted to learn how to do handstand pushups) and went out with friends more. The main thing you need to do (like I did) is remind yourself of the BAD TIMES and not the slim to none good times. Keep surrounding yourself with loved ones and LS. The book you ordered is a good read, but it is not a miracle worker. You will need to "pony up" by yourself in the end. NC and moving forward is a choice only you can make. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger". It sounds cheesy, but it is so true. The longer you dwell in this abyss, the more of your life you waste. Edited November 9, 2012 by Training Revelations
songbird70 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Hey Mishy...I've been following your posts but don't give much advice as I don't have much advice to give myself...lol. BUT I will say this...although I understand what you are going through but when is enough enough???? There is some wonderful advice on this site as well as some hard knocks. You my friend have to listen to the rude reality! You have been dealing with this BS for 5 damn years!!! I gave up after a few months! I could NEVER imagine myself in your position, but I do agree you need to do some self reflecting. If you have been going back for all that time you REALLY need to reflect on yourself and GAIN some self esteem. this man has been using you for SOOOOOOOO long and you DO deserve better, but you keep allowing it....why????? YOU really have some self esteem issues it seems, but not saying this in a bad way. You just need to realize your self worth and then you will realize this ASS doesn't deserve you and you will move on! You are worth more than that and you just need to realize that :-) best of luck to you!
Author mishy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Thanks for the congrats What did I do or tell myself to remain NC? It is going to sound almost too simple, but I reminded myself that things would NEVER change. Why would I want to go back to living my life in such complete and utter turmoil? On top of that, I would have to start NC all over again from scratch, and relive the breakup (like you are experiencing right now ). Beyond that, I kept myself busy with work, hobbies, and surrounded myself with people who love me. Eventually I discovered LS and lurked for a while. I read many people's posts and felt like I was not alone. I bought a ton of books on Borderline Personality Disorder and relationships (my therapist believed she had BPD - though I'm not sure). I joined a gymnastics class (I always wanted to learn how to do handstand pushups) and went out with friends more. The main thing you need to do (like I did) is remind yourself of the BAD TIMES and not the slim to none good times. Keep surrounding yourself with loved ones and LS. The book you ordered is a good read, but it is not a miracle worker. You will need to "pony up" by yourself in the end. NC and moving forward is a choice only you can make. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger". It sounds cheesy, but it is so true. The longer you dwell in this abyss, the more of your life you waste. Slim to None, thats exactly it. I have thought about seeing a therapist but i feel to ashamed to be honest. Of actually telling them all of this. Its something i have kept to myself. Also I wouldnt dream of telling someone i know, exactly what this situation is as i feel they , well i KNOW they will think badly of me. Initially i did tell friends and my sister about him, but stopped very early on. I haven't been any better than a prostitute really, for what i have allowed him to do, and who wants to tell someone that?
Under The Radar Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Slim to None, thats exactly it. I have thought about seeing a therapist but i feel to ashamed to be honest. Of actually telling them all of this. Its something i have kept to myself. Also I wouldnt dream of telling someone i know, exactly what this situation is as i feel they , well i KNOW they will think badly of me. Initially i did tell friends and my sister about him, but stopped very early on. I haven't been any better than a prostitute really, for what i have allowed him to do, and who wants to tell someone that? Mishy, You have nothing to be ashamed of. Like everyone here, you desire to love and to be loved. Unfortunately, you chose the wrong person to try and meet those needs. That's ok, it has happened to the best of us. The important thing is to learn from it and make sure it never happens again. You had enough sense and motivation to join Loveshack and post for guidance. That's great and we are glad to lend our support, stories, and empathy. However, you need a strong support system in real life. You MUST solicit help from your friends and family. Further, there is NO shame in seeking therapy and explaining your entire story to a professional. It is true that you are the only one who can end this toxic relationship, but you cannot do it completely alone. The support from friends, family, and therapy can do wonders in helping you to navigate the healing process. That, in conjunction with books and LS, will go a long way in your journey to recovery.
Author mishy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) Mishy, You have nothing to be ashamed of. Like everyone here, you desire to love and to be loved. Unfortunately, you chose the wrong person to try and meet those needs. That's ok, it has happened to the best of us. The important thing is to learn from it and make sure it never happens again. You had enough sense and motivation to join Loveshack and post for guidance. That's great and we are glad to lend our support, stories, and empathy. However, you need a strong support system in real life. You MUST solicit help from your friends and family. Further, there is NO shame in seeking therapy and explaining your entire story to a professional. It is true that you are the only one who can end this toxic relationship, but you cannot do it completely alone. The support from friends, family, and therapy can do wonders in helping you to navigate the healing process. That, in conjunction with books and LS, will go a long way in your journey to recovery. I do not have any family, my parents both died a few years ago and i became estranged from my sister because she is/ was (?) an alcoholic and put me through 2 years of hell over our parents estate. Everybody assumes people have family. Lots of people dont, people die, things happen. I do think about what my dad would think and he would be mortified. Thast the thing, my dad was probably the nicest man i have ever known, nothing like this guy, he would never treat women in a bad way, so it makes no sense that i pick bad men. Theres no daddy issue reason for me to do it. I would not tell general friends about this, and that in itself is enough to make me realise this needs to stop. Maybe thats just it. Maybe thats all i need to get away from it. The fact that what i have been doing with him is so shameful that i cant even tell people is enough just to snap to stop all contact , and be perfectly OK. If i can't tell someone about this, then what the hell am i doing having anything to do with him? If its so shameful, then that should be enough. If i can't talk about it, tell someone about this guy, then maybe that in itself is enough for me to just go, hey you know what im done with this, its bad. And you know really maybe i will be just fine, and can easily recover from it. My oldest friend knows a fair bit of it actually,or the general scenario and doesnt like it, but she doesnt know most of it. She is the main person who i have told, but only because she knows me really well and won't judge. Edited November 9, 2012 by mishy
Under The Radar Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) I do not have any family, my parents both died a few years ago and i became estranged from my sister because she is/ was (?) an alcoholic and put me through 2 years of hell over our parents estate. Everybody assumes people have family. Lots of people dont, people die, things happen. I do think about what my dad would think and he would be mortified. Thast the thing, my dad was probably the nicest man i have ever known, nothing like this guy, he would never treat women in a bad way, so it makes no sense that i pick bad men. Theres no daddy issue reason for me to do it. I would not tell general friends about this, and that in itself is enough to make me realise this needs to stop. Maybe thats just it. Maybe thats all i need to get away from it. The fact that what i have been doing with him is so shameful that i cant even tell people is enough just to snap to stop all contact , and be perfectly OK. If i can't tell someone about this, then what the hell am i doing having anything to do with him? If its so shameful, then that should be enough. If i can't talk about it, tell someone about this guy, then maybe that in itself is enough for me to just go, hey you know what im done with this, its bad. And you know really maybe i will be just fine, and can easily recover from it. My oldest friend knows a fair bit of it actually,or the general scenario and doesnt like it, but she doesnt know most of it. She is the main person who i have told, but only because she knows me really well and won't judge. Mishy, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. I can only imagine the pain that must have caused you. The only family member I was ever close to was my grandmother. Unfortunately, she passed away a few years ago. Neverthless, I've learned that family is really what we make of it. We have our family of origin and our family of choice. I was not so lucky in my family of choice. I came from a broken and abusive home. My parents sent me to live with an aunt and uncle from a young age. I always envied people around me who had two loving parents growing up. However, over the years, I have developed my family of choice. Like my friend I mentioned earlier in this thread. He has become like a brother to me. The longtime friend you spoke of is part of your family of choice. You should contact her and tell her your story. You said she knows some of it, why not tell her everything? You admitted she wouldn't judge you and I'm sure she would want to know to help. The ultimate form of abandonment from psychology 101 is death. With the passing of your parents it might make it more difficult to part ways with people you care about. Even though your parents loved you and treated you well, the thought of losing people might be too overwhelming to let go. The last 5 years with this guy could be a prime example of not letting go for fear of abandonment. A good therapist could help you identify why you ended up with a man who treats you this way. Therapy could help identify why you have stayed in such a toxic relationship for so long. More importantly, therapy could help "armor proof" you for the future, so that it doesn't happen again. You will be educated on yourself and capable of seeing the red flags. I hope you do not find my thoughts intrusive or condescending. I could be way off base here, but I think it is worth investigating; I speak from experience. I realized, much of my reluctance to leave my past relationship, stemmed from abandonment fears from childhood. My addiction to my ex originated from my abandonment issues. Seeing people leave my life has always been painful and I'd hold on no matter the consequences. I am working on this so it doesn't happen in the future (which is kinda weird because I'm a loner much of the time - it's counter intuitive to me). You need to surround yourself with a positive family of choice. LS is definitely a great resource, but spending time with people (who truly know you) is just as important. Hang in there my friend ... Edited November 9, 2012 by Training Revelations
Author mishy Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) Mishy, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. I can only imagine the pain that must have caused you. The only family member I was ever close to was my grandmother. Unfortunately, she passed away a few years ago. Neverthless, I've learned that family is really what we make of it. We have our family of origin and our family of choice. I was not so lucky in my family of choice. I came from a broken and abusive home. My parents sent me to live with an aunt and uncle from a young age. I always envied people around me who had two loving parents growing up. However, over the years, I have developed my family of choice. Like my friend I mentioned earlier in this thread. He has become like a brother to me. The longtime friend you spoke of is part of your family of choice. You should contact her and tell her your story. You said she knows some of it, why not tell her everything? You admitted she wouldn't judge you and I'm sure she would want to know to help. The ultimate form of abandonment from psychology 101 is death. With the passing of your parents it might make it more difficult to part ways with people you care about. Even though your parents loved you and treated you well, the thought of losing people might be too overwhelming to let go. The last 5 years with this guy could be a prime example of not letting go for fear of abandonment. A good therapist could help you identify why you ended up with a man who treats you this way. Therapy could help identify why you have stayed in such a toxic relationship for so long. More importantly, therapy could help "armor proof" you for the future, so that it doesn't happen again. You will be educated on yourself and capable of seeing the red flags. I hope you do not find my thoughts intrusive or condescending. I could be way off base here, but I think it is worth investigating; I speak from experience. I realized, much of my reluctance to leave my past relationship, stemmed from abandonment fears from childhood. My addiction to my ex originated from my abandonment issues. Seeing people leave my life has always been painful and I'd hold on no matter the consequences. I am working on this so it doesn't happen in the future (which is kinda weird because I'm a loner much of the time - it's counter intuitive to me). You need to surround yourself with a positive family of choice. LS is definitely a great resource, but spending time with people (who truly know you) is just as important. Hang in there my friend ... Sorry to hear you had such a rough upbringing. I can't even begin to know what that is like, its not fair that a child has to go through that. i was lucky that i had a good home, and two parents that loved each other immensely. I was always a good girl, never got into trouble, never rebelled, was good in school. So rather than this guy being related to having a bad childhood its probably more to do with loss in adult life. I met him about 3 months after my mother died, so maybe letting go of him is related to that. I am 100% sure its about abandonment and loss. Although she was ill with cancer she did die suddenly, didnt have any idea it was going to happen. Went to the hospital and they told me she had died. So i agree its to do with abandonment like you. I think i have to tell myself that if my parents knew about this and knew that i was hanging onto him because of abandonment to do with their deaths, they'd tell me to build a bridge and just kick him to the kerb, for them, dont hang on to him because of them. I only just realised that as i was typing. Maybe thats my (and i hate to use an oprah term) Ah 'ha moment See the thing is i know what a good relationship looks like. I saw how they treated each other, i saw how my dad treated my mum, and it wasnt like this guy. I know how people stay together for 40 years. So me staying around him, has nothing to do with me not knowing how it should be. It must be that i just didn't want to let go of someone/ something. Not that we were even in a proper relationship, but still i know how i should have been treated. The fact that he has now cheated on his gf with me, means that he wouldn't have made a good bf anyway. FWB is all he is really suited to. ****** Edited November 10, 2012 by mishy
Author mishy Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 feeling a lot better. What i have to remember is that nothing will ever change with this guy. the reason i probably do keep in contact with him is because i am deluded that something i say or do will make him change the way he treats me, but it won't. So i tell myself that and its kind of like, well whats the point contacting, and that keeps me NC
Under The Radar Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 feeling a lot better. What i have to remember is that nothing will ever change with this guy. the reason i probably do keep in contact with him is because i am deluded that something i say or do will make him change the way he treats me, but it won't. So i tell myself that and its kind of like, well whats the point contacting, and that keeps me NC Exactly! This is what kept me NC in my past relationship, so that I could move on with my life.
dumbazz Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 The fact that he has now cheated on his gf with me, means that he wouldn't have made a good bf anyway. FWB is all he is really suited to. You realize what a terrible idea that is right? You can't ever have a FWB relationship with him. NC really is the only answer but from what you've said I don't know how you're going to find the strength to do that without some professional help. (Which would probably be a good idea anyway considering the loss of your parents and the estrangement from your sister.)
Author mishy Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 You realize what a terrible idea that is right? You can't ever have a FWB relationship with him. NC really is the only answer but from what you've said I don't know how you're going to find the strength to do that without some professional help. (Which would probably be a good idea anyway considering the loss of your parents and the estrangement from your sister.) What i mean is, he probably isnt suited to having a girlfriend. i wasnt meaning i would be FWB with him while he is with her. what i am saying is that he has been with her 2 months and already has cheated on her with me. He is supposed to be in the honeymoon phase with her and he is already cheating. She won't find out, unless she reads his phone messages, but i would still hate to be her, having a cheating boyfriend. Thats my consolation, that if he had chosen me as his gf, he would have cheated on me anyway. A no-good boyfriend
Leigh 87 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 He has a girlfriend, yet slept with YOU. He is not much into his new girlfriend; after two months, if a guy is truly into a girl, he will NOT sleep with another girl....
Leigh 87 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 And Mishy, I am SO dissapointed in you. He treats you like crap for no less than.. FIVE years. YOu declare how much you want to move on.. Then he turns up and you let him have sex with you? MAN. 1
Leigh 87 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 I kind of don't have much sympathy for mishy anymore. She has been doing this for 5 YEARS. I remember her previous posts. Each time she wants to end it, each time is the final time and it goes on and on. Sure, this guy is a jerk. But at this point, mishy is wasting her life away. And it is HER choice to stay in this situation. I am sure this will go on for next 25 years too. Or however long it's convenient for him. I don't have much respect for people that are that weak and refuse to look at where her choices have gotten her. She can talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I agree. Although Mishy sounds like a nice person. When I say things and never do them, I lose respect for myself too; there are no double standards here.
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