redmoon11 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Hi Ladies My husband started carpooling with one of his female co-workers like 8 times and each time it took two hours (from a city to another, my husband only visits on weekends as we work in 2 different cities). After that they became so friend that they started to chat during the work and sending multiple messages to each other during days. My husband talked with me about her that she is nice, genius and cute! and that he enjoys talking with her. Now she took off from work for a year and she will be back after a year. and she is happily married (what we can interpret by seeing their public relation). We started to hang out with her and her husband a few times but every time I didn't feel ok knowing that my husband is a special friend with her. I talked with my husband that I am not ok with their relationship and every time he assured me that there is nothing special and there is just a friendly chat. He is even nicer to me since he noticed about my jealousy and how I am worried. I became so upset and asked my husband to stop sending message to her and he said ok I talked with her and we won't chat through message anymore but we still send few messages and email because we are too friend with each other. My problem is that I don't want her to be my husband's friend. And I cannot ask more from him to stop this relationship because he is already so upset claiming that I cannot trust him! So ladies would you be you ok with this situation, and what would you do to fix the problem? You can just say "yes" or "no". Because sometimes I think maybe I am the one to be blamed because I am too sensitive. Any help is very much appreciated. ps: We are happily married for almost 2 years. He got job in another city since last year and I hope I join him in next 6 months.
pteromom Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 You say he is going out of his way to be nice to you. He is including you in his friendship with her (and her husband). He is being honest and transparent about his communications with her. So yes, I would be ok with it. You not feeling ok around her and her husband is YOUR issue, and you need to get over it. All that said - is it possible he's having some kind of affair with her? Of course. But if he is a liar anyway, telling him he can't be friends with her won't solve anything, because he'll lie about that too!
River Rain Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I would be fine with it too. He's given you no reason not to trust him, he's been really open about it and even stopped the chatting at your request. Let him have his friend, he treats you well and you have a happy marriage, so don't start looking for trouble out of jealousy. If she were a guy you wouldn't feel this way.
Nyla Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I am very cynical about men and fidelity. This is because of seeing so many men proudly cheating on their wives all my life. If you are getting bad vibes, I don't blame you for being upset. We don't allow opposite sex friends in our marriage. There is just too much potential for affairs. Your husband is obviously attracted to this woman. Why is he so eager to continue contact if nothing is going on and his wife is not happy about it? I realize I may receive many admonishing posts about "trust" and "control". We all have different opinions on this matter; I believe it is best for married couples to minimize temptations. 1
angie2443 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Going by my experience with situations like this, my observations of situations like this, the patterns I've seen on LS over and over with situations like this, I'm going to guess that there's a good chance that this isn't going to turn out good for you. You can't tell him who he can be friends with, but you do get to choose the bounderies you want in a relationship. You're unconfortable for a reason and he's trying to quiet you. I obviously don't know what he wants or doesn't want with this situation, but I would not feel confortable if I were in your place. Good luck with things. 3
angie2443 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think that most people who are wary are either very insecure or very much guilty of feeling the same thing. OP, is this possible in your case? I mean, it's obvious in other's cases when they've publicly admitted to thinking about cheating, but are looking for sympathy to justify their crushes. I personally would never be in a situation where I have feelings for someone other than my SO, because I'm respectful of myself. If I had a male friend, I would be very open to showing my SO any communications between us. Crushes aren't always instant. Many, many EA's/PA's happen just because two people who like each (I don't mean romantically), and spend some alone time together, start developing feelings for each other. By that time, it's often to late. Look around on these boards. You see this situation played over and over here. I'm not saying it's going to happen to the OP. It just might, though. 2
Author redmoon11 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Update: I talked to him once again last night and he became so upset and began to yell at me that why are bringing up this again I told you that I won't chat with her any more and he said that he won't come home this weekend and the next time I talk about this he will leave me for ever
pteromom Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Update: I talked to him once again last night and he became so upset and began to yell at me that why are bringing up this again I told you that I won't chat with her any more and he said that he won't come home this weekend and the next time I talk about this he will leave me for ever Hmmmmmmmmmmm. And now that reeks of guilt to me. He's basically threatening you to shut you up. Not cool. If he has nothing to feel guilty about, he needs to be assuring you that there's nothing going on. 1
Nyla Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 So now your husband is trying to control you with threats? Call his bluff. Tell him to leave. I bet you he will be thrown for a loop. I would also ask if he is not coming home so he can bang this other woman. Of course, I am ballsy and I don't like men trying to control or manipulate me. That is why I would continue to say what I choose. Sounds like your husband doesn't respect you very much. 1
angie2443 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Redmoon, do you have children? You say your marriage has been happy, but your husband is not treating you good, at least not in this situation. If I may ask, how does he act when you two disagree on things? Does he comprimise well? You said something about maybe you were to be blamed for bieng too sensitive. Does your husband say your too sensitive when something bothers you?
angie2443 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 He's basically threatening you to shut you up. . This sounds so ugly. Still, it's what's happening in this situation.
standtall Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Red..even though I am a guy, I can say this. You're not being unreasonable..a married man has no business car pooling with a woman by themselves. It will, and has lead to..in your case.. an inappropriate relationship. I would never disrespect my wife in that manner.
KathyM Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 The problem is, although your husband may not intend to become emotionally attached to her, that often happens when a husband is spending time alone with another woman, and their personal lives are shared with each other. I would not be OK with this arrangement for that reason, even though I trust my husband. Feelings can develop when time is spent alone with someone of the opposite sex. I would suggest you tell him that it's not that you don't trust him, but that you're not comfortable with him spending time alone with the woman and getting to know her on a personal level to that extent. I would suggest you ask him to add another person to the carpool, or that he discontinue the carpool. And that he keep the communications with her at the office, and business related, and if she calls or texts, that he not pick up, or just once in awhile and keep it related to business or brief. Perhaps you could socialize with her and her husband as couples, but other than that, I think you are allowing the potential for an emotional attachment if it gets to be the alone time and personal Emails and calls that you describe. 1
Caligrown Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 If this were my husband and he pulled the things youve said then I would be very upset. He yells at you to cover up something he is hiding, otherwise, why would he yell or get upset? You have the right to be upset and curious as to what is going on, I would be too. I'm very protective of my husband sometimes I think it stems from sel-esteem issues, but still if you feel that something isnt right, then its not. Have you investigated? Maaybe it's one-sided, its very possible for a man or woman to develop a crush outside of a marrage, have you guys had any issues before this woman? 1
Cb3657 Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 I am curious on this, I agree with all posters but I wonder if he had said "honey your crazy jealousy over my friendship with xxxxx is now way past normall, I have done all I can do my next step is to leave" would people have the same reaction. I don't believe in cross gender friendships but I have seen some very strong opinions on this site that say they are normal and sustainable. I would ask why those folks are not standing on principle here. This is not meant to be a threadjack, to you folks who strongly believe in these relationships why is this different? Because she said he responded badly?
standtall Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Readers....if you don't think affairs happen over innocent relationships, look at Paula Broadwell, /David Petraeus
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