Girl claimed I was "lazy", stayed home too much.

[NGC1300]

This was one of the reasons she gave for breaking up, and I'm just trying to understand what the average girl in her mid-20's really expects.

 

Foremost, I'm anything but lazy. I sometime work 50hrs a week and still find time to hit the gym and then take care of anything I need to around my house. I know this isn't "exciting" to anyone, but again, I didn't deserve to be called "lazy" when she doesn't even work a full time job and still lives with her parents.

 

She claimed I "sit home and did nothing".

 

Our first 2 dates were just dinner/movie, which she herself suggested.

 

The 3rd time we hung out I took her for a ride on my motorcycle and we stopped for icecream.

 

I went out with her and her friends once, and at that time we all made plans to meet up again.

 

Shortly before she broke up, I again made plans to take her for a ride, and she had some other plans which I told her I was excited to join.

 

Now, as far as weeknights, it's true she would come over and we would just lay on the couch and watch TV and make out and whatnot. I don't see what is so wrong with this, considering I had to be to work the next morning and really just wanted to rewind after working all day.

 

Nonetheless, she cooked up that I "stay home and do nothing".

 

Last but not least, at no point did I ever get in the way of her going out and doing whatever she wanted.

 

She claims she's "always on the go", which I guess is easy to do when you only work 30hrs a week and live at home.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, is a girl who's outgoing and has a lot of friends ever going to be content with someone like myself who mainly just works?

 

It seems like these girls want some fantasy lifestyle, when the reality is I work for a living and then take care of myself and my home.

 

I was never against going out, and she knew that. Hell, I'm a pilot and said I would take her flying as soon as I had the cash, but in the end I was still a "lame duck" in her eyes.

 

It's all just so irritating.

Edited November 7, 2012 by NGC1300

[pteromom]

I guess what I'm asking is, is a girl who's outgoing and has a lot of friends ever going to be content with someone like myself who mainly just works?

 

Yes. You have to find a mature one though. Someone who doesn't rely on you for 100% of their needs. If she needs excitement and a different kind of fun than you would provide, that's what friends and hobbies are for.

 

She may be one of those messed up girls who confuse DRAMA with PASSION.

 

Or - you could just be incompatible.

 

But no matter what, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You gotta find someone who accepts you as you are.

[suladas]

My ex actually said something like this, I see it more as an excuse then anything. The funny thing in the first few weeks of dating she told me I work too much and I need more downtime, I said I enjoy doing things all the time around the house, yard, etc or just working(50-70 hours a week usually). In the BU she said we spent too much time watching movies and just having sex, not doing to much else, like talking, etc. It's an excuse IMO. Like you, at least half the time she suggested these things, and seemed ok with it at the time. If they aren't ok with it, they should speak up. I wouldn't worry about it. The funny thing is to, she even said I was indecisive so she had to make most of the decisions, weird how that works eh?

[SmileFace]

Different strokes for different folks.

 

I am sorry this has no bearing on either of your styles. She finds you boring but that is in her POV. You can't expect someone who is the opposite of you to not find your life style tiring after a while. Seek people that are like you.

[NGC1300]

Yes. You have to find a mature one though. Someone who doesn't rely on you for 100% of their needs. If she needs excitement and a different kind of fun than you would provide, that's what friends and hobbies are for.

 

This is honestly how I see it.

 

Perhaps it's a flawed view, but to me relationships are primarily about trust and affection; I shouldn't have to fulfill her every need, and if she has all these friends and things to do, what's she really missing by getting with a guy who does less of that?

 

I also agree it's an excuse though. In the end she just wasn't into me.

[Sunfire73]

Depends how long you've been dating. If you've dated long enough say, more than 6 months, the relationship stabilizes and you'll just be content with hanging out or relaxing at home most of the time. If it's still new, then yes, you have to plan and set time for dates. It's something that both of you have to be comfortable. Looks like it's just plain incompatibility.

[NGC1300]

Depends how long you've been dating. If you've dated long enough say, more than 6 months, the relationship stabilizes and you'll just be content with hanging out or relaxing at home most of the time. If it's still new, then yes, you have to plan and set time for dates. It's something that both of you have to be comfortable. Looks like it's just plain incompatibility.

 

 

We would always plan to hang out, but yes often times it was just a few hours at night at my place.

 

The things is, I never would have objected to her wanting us to go out, even on a weeknight.

 

But I guess the man has to take charge and make all the plans. Alpha male and all that BS...

[kiss_andmakeup]

Try not to take it too personally...the way she worded it (calling you lazy) was rude and immature, but it just sounds like a matter of incompatibility.

 

My ex and I were a bit incompatible in this way, and we were together for three years. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I don't expect anything lavish and crazy, expect to go out and party every night or even every weekend, but I do like to be social (preferably with my partner) and go check out new bars, see live bands, etc. My ex was like you; worked a lot (at least 50 hrs/week) and in the little free time that he did have, he had no interest in really doing anything other than relaxing at home or going for dinner at the most. It began to wear on me toward the end of our relationship, because I wanted to share the things I enjoyed with him, and he seemed uninterested.

 

So while the girl you were dating might not have stated her views as eloquently, it is a compatibility issue and you'll both be better off in the long run.

[NGC1300]

It began to wear on me toward the end of our relationship, because I wanted to share the things I enjoyed with him, and he seemed uninterested.

 

See I would have been open to that; she never even gave me a chance. (Dated for 3 weeks).

 

Oh well

[kiss_andmakeup]

See I would have been open to that; she never even gave me a chance. (Dated for 3 weeks).

 

Oh well

 

Based on the way she handled everything, she sounds pretty immature, so I'd say no major loss.

[dasein]

Bullet dodged, you successfully rid yourself of one of the residual SATC type "must go to fabulous place to be fabulous 4 nights a week" bad eggs. Good for you.

[Under The Radar]

She is immature. If you work 50 or more hours a week what does she expect you to do on the weekdays? Go out clubbing and spend exorbitant amounts of money on food and wine?

 

I chalk it up to incompatibility. If she works part time, and still lives at home with her parents, then she is likely at a different stage of life than you. I agree that her use of the word "lazy" and her breakup delivery was insensitive/offbase.

 

My advice moving forward is to take things slower and hang out less in the beginning. Give yourself a chance to get to know the girl you are interested in to gauge her compatibility. You will be able to identify if she will be understanding of your schedule and job requirements. Then, you can plan fun things to do on the weekend when you are less tired. Most mature woman appreciate a guy like you who is passionate about his job. The right woman would look forward to seeing you once or twice a week while progressing the relationship over time. After exclusivity has been established, and it is clearly a LTR, then you can hang out more in the home on a regular basis. What you described is not "boring" or complacent.

[raea]

 

I guess what I'm asking is, is a girl who's outgoing and has a lot of friends ever going to be content with someone like myself who mainly just works?

 

Yes, she can be. I am 24, and never spent a night in (though- I'll admit, I work in mental health, and it's been client crisis after crisis so I've reached 50+ a week lately and spend much more time in). My boyfriend is the exact opposite- he spends most every night in, watching netflix and relaxing. We get along wonderfully, I respect that he has a physically demanding job and wants to chill at home most often than not. He respects that I'm generally always on the go, and he agrees to go with me out at least once a week if not more. We meet in the middle, we compromise, and it's been beneficial for both of us.

 

It didn't work for you. I'm sorry it didn't. I'd be glad that you realized this now, before things got very serious and you got more than just irritated with her immaturity. But, don't give up! In the beginning I think we went out a little more than we do now, but we got into this rotation fairly early on and both enjoy it.

[grkBoy]

I wouldn't complain or be irritated.

 

I've met many women like that, which is why I never pursued younger women in my 30s.

 

I like to stay home, watch a DVD, cook food, have hobbies. I like to go out on the weekends in the day and do more simpler things. Granted I used to be a nightlife nut...out in the clubs all the time. Life slowed down for me though, and I wasn't complaining.

 

If I met a woman who is about going out for drinks several nights a week, and thinks staying home on a weekend is the worst thing in the world...I simply see it all as we are not compatible. If she wants to call me lazy or whatever...then it shows me more why she would not make a good girlfriend.

 

My biggest kick out of the "always on the go" women is they're constantly having money problems. That and when life forces them to settle down, they can't handle it. Seen several who get pregnant, or get married and then pregnant...but they still dream of when they can be out again in the clubs. Had one say "I can't wait to have this baby so I can go out again!"

[PinkSapphire]

I would have said the same thing as her.

 

The truth is, I am a mid-20s girl who has a lot of energy. In undergrad, I barely ever slept, working three jobs at a time to put myself through a grueling science program while pursuing my many time-consuming hobbies and still making time for friends adn going out clubbing (each week included a Friday night of unwind/movie time because I was so exhausted).

 

Thus, my body and mind is used to being constantly on the go. I cannot STAND guys who just want to sit home adn cuddle, make-out, watch a movie, and eat constantly. that is sooo boring. I would much prefer a walk around a beautiful or interesting city or lake or hiking trail, with a visit to either a place for drinks or ice cream like you said. A motorcycle ride would be okay if it had a fun destination, but again, that is physically sitting and doing nothing (for the passenger, I know the driver must concentrate and work at it).

 

Also, I work full-time, go to the gym daily for weight-lifting and intense cardio sessions, plus go dancing most nights a week to see my friends and get my energy out. The weekends are more relaxed, where I tend to relax all day until I hit the gym and either have a dance performance to attend or a social that is physically moving, usually dancing but could also be shooting hoops, going for a run, or a long walk if the weather is nice. Yes, I have calmed down quite a bit in my "old age", but I still love getting together with one good friend for yoga and an Insanity video workout, chatting, and usually moving in some capacity. I chalk this up to not being near 30s yet, a mother who is still active in her 60s (father, too, but I heard daughter takes after mothers), and growing up in sports and dance classes.

 

You two are not a compatible match. Find a more sedentary (and therefore most likely, larger) counterpart that will be fine with hanging out just sitting or doing practically nothing. me? I can't stand it and it makes me stressed out, but I know there must be many people in this country who prefer it as most here are obese.

 

I also live in an active city that suits me, where even if I am feeling low energy, I can go out and listen to live music, singing along or dancing/swaying to it.

 

She was not lying to you; you are just a sedentary person. No shame in that, but don't insult the girl. It is NOT because she only works 30 hour weeks and lives at home. I work 40+ hours in a very active job (we only sit during the 20 min of lunch break) then go workout hard and then go dancing or walking. I also keep my house fairly clean and my laundry done, grocery shopping, making my meals, etc. Don't insult her just because you guys didn't match up.

Sorry she called you lazy, but I probably would have felt the same way about you.

 

Good luck in your search!

[GorillaTheater]

You're a young guy with a good job and a house, who also works out, has a motorcycle and is a friggin' PILOT on top of it all.

 

You sir, rock.

 

You're not going to have any trouble at all.

[raea]

 

 

 

You two are not a compatible match. Find a more sedentary (and therefore most likely, larger) counterpart that will be fine with hanging out just sitting or doing practically nothing.

 

....

Don't insult her just because you guys didn't match up.

!

 

Just wanted to throw out that just because someone is more sedentary than you doesn't mean they are going to be large... My boyfriend is thinner than any man I've ever dated and much thinner. My best friend HATES anything that makes her sweat, and watches a ton of tv, and is just as small as me.

 

I don't think the man has to expect a women who is larger just because he stays at home a little more, IMO

[NGC1300]

She was not lying to you; you are just a sedentary person. No shame in that, but don't insult the girl. It is NOT because she only works 30 hour weeks and lives at home. I work 40+ hours in a very active job (we only sit during the 20 min of lunch break) then go workout hard and then go dancing or walking. I also keep my house fairly clean and my laundry done, grocery shopping, making my meals, etc. Don't insult her just because you guys didn't match up.

Sorry she called you lazy, but I probably would have felt the same way about you.

 

Okay well, I'll maintain you're way off base here.

 

First of all, you appear to have a house and be self sufficient. That's more than this girl can claim. She's 24, quit college, and lives on $200 a week while living with her parents. She claimed to be "motivated", and yet has NOTHING to show for it. You're damn right I'm going to insult her after she claims me to be lazy and "unmotivated". You would too.

 

You can believe I'm a "sedentary" person if you wish. It doesn't change the fact that that's nonsense. My job is mostly physical, and I still find time for the gym. I'm 5'8" @ 170lbs with body fat less than 10%. I'm not conceited, but I KNOW I'm in better shape than the average guy. You bring "obesity" into this discussion is also laughable.

 

Sorry ma'am, but you seem to be explifying the kind of mentality I despise in women.

[GG3]

Okay well, I'll maintain you're way off base here.

 

First of all, you appear to have a house and be self sufficient. That's more than this girl can claim. She's 24, quit college, and lives on $200 a week while living with her parents. She claimed to be "motivated", and yet has NOTHING to show for it. You're damn right I'm going to insult her after she claims me to be lazy and "unmotivated". You would too.

 

You can believe I'm a "sedentary" person if you wish. It doesn't change the fact that that's nonsense. My job is mostly physical, and I still find time for the gym. I'm 5'8" @ 170lbs with body fat less than 10%. I'm not conceited, but I KNOW I'm in better shape than the average guy. You bring "obesity" into this discussion is also laughable.

 

Sorry ma'am, but you seem to be explifying the kind of mentality I despise in women.

 

I second this and think the poster calling the OP lazy is just as immature. I don't know what sort of job that girl is doing but I am an engineer. I had a job recently where I worked 50 hours weeks with a 40 minute commute each way and a lot of drama at work. I was tired when I got home. That is not how I was when I was younger for sure. Age changes things and circumstances change things. I started a new job and only work 40 hours now and you would be surprised what a difference it makes in your energy level.

[GG3]

I am also not fat by the way.

[Negative Nancy]

Had one say "I can't wait to have this baby so I can go out again!"

 

A "friend" of mine had already made babysitter plans before the baby was even born, for after the day of birth because she wanted to go to an event that day.

[Negative Nancy]

double posting

[rocketman122]

your topic is something I did experience and it lead to a breakup that was very hard for me. it took me 2 years to get over her and I had to fix issues with myself. I can be a lazy person at times and I try not to be but before I started doing bodybuilding I had no energy to do anything. it hasnt changed drastically but when the GF asks for help I have the energy to fix things and help where I can. I try to be the one who suggests we go out. I work 45 hours and do find the time to go to the gym and eat the same foods everyday, every meal. My gf doesnt live next to me and I go see her 2-3 times a week.

 

all I will say is if you dont fix the issues she's bitching about she might and probably will walk away. the solution is to either change a bit to make her happier or find someone who's more sedentary/a homely person like you. it really has nothing to do with the amount of hours you work or you going to the gym. its who you are. good or bad. she just wants to be entertained more. she wants to feel like you care to think about her. that you take the time spoil her and take her to eat at a place she likes, or to go dancing, or a movie. every woman is the same more or less. they need action and drama and you dont like that. some do like to stay home constantly but most dont.

 

ask her to go shopping or to a cafe, or a walk on the beach/park and see how quickly she jumps at it. when my GF is tired or with an off behaviour, I tell her, get dressed were going out. I dont ask. they need the excitement. youre also very defensive. people are giving their opinions. and yes, you are sednetary because you like to just stay at home. nothing wrong with that. my sister and her husband love that as well. sedentary has nothing to do with the way you look physically. you just like I used to be sedentary and can easily fall back there. but choose to be more active.

 

its good youre active at the gym but it doesnt matter. my workouts are gruelling workouts you would not be able to do, I promise you. its all out heavy and to muscular failure. minimum sets and extremely heavy weights(squats deadlifts, you name it) to only 4-8 reps. im sore for 3+ days straight. Im worn out like you cant believe. all I want is to sleep, but I make the effort to take her out. you need to do it bro to keep her.

Edited November 11, 2012 by rocketman122

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is an issue.

 

I am more like you. I do work out and go out some but I prefer to stay at home and relax with my cat and a movie. My ex bf was extremely social and he would drag me to 5 parties per weekend. When we lived together, he constantly wanted to go out after work. I just wanted to chill. I ended up neglecting my needs just to keep him. I was constantly drained and worn out.

 

Now that I do OLD, if I see a profile that says "I am very social" or "I am always on the go" I move right along.

[Els]

I can understand the girl wanting a partner who was more compatible with her lifestyle.

 

What I cannot understand, is her calling you 'lazy' when you work nearly twice as much as she does, just because you don't have the time to take her out as much as she'd like. That reeks of immaturity, inability to empathize with and understand another person's viewpoint, and entitlement. Based on all that, I'm pretty confident you didn't miss out on much here with her. Time to move on.