seren Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 My H told me had, had an affair. After the initial shock and anger and telling him he had to leave the house until I rang him, mainly because I was so dammed angry I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions, I said to come home. I asked if he loved her, wanted to be with her and if so, that I would untangle our marriage, our money, house etc and he could pack his bags and go. I also said I would wish him well, but I also told him that I loved him. I reminded him that it was such a dammed waste of all the good times we had, had and that it was sad that all that we had meant to each other was so easily dropped. Then left it at that while I hit the gin. He came into the kitchen where I had escaped to and said how sorry he was, that he felt like he had been walking around with his head up his a*** and that he didn't want to lose me, that he couldn't begin to think of a life without me in it. Over the next few days we talked and talked, TBH, the OW wasn't mentioned other than who, why her and the penny dropping as to his strange changed behaviour. Then the decision about what we needed to do, our next steps and yes, much so called hysterical bonding, but we had never had any problems with our intimacy it just felt more like two people knowing how close they had come to losing each other and hanging on through a Godawful storm. After that, no checking up, locking him in the attic, stopping him going out or any of that, he chose to limit what he did, he chose to leave his phone out and tell me where he was etc. I am sorry you found out the MM was married, he could have let you know why he did what he did, that's his choice not to. If the BS chooses to reconcile her way, then that's her choice, to her, you aren't that important (sorry) her marriage is, she and he are closing ranks. TBH, I am glad you told her about the A and I hope you can get closure. 4
MrVegas Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I want to thank you Seren for bringing that approach to view. When it comes to A's, many people hold the line that if it happened to them, no questions asked it would be over. Then it happens and it turns into a brutal, years long emotional street fight. One cant expect the BS to just accept it happened and move on, there is so much hurt and distrust there, forgive and forget is a nice sentiment, but also an emotionally retarded one. At the same time, turning the WS into a non-stop punching bag (verbal or otherwise) for as long as the relationship continues to last is equally unfair. I have personally seen all the mending after an affair fly out the window because the A was used to justify some unfair behaviour (and some getting even) by the BS. If you know you could never forgive the person, then end it and move along. Settle your affairs, and be an adult about it. If not, then be an adult about it and work through everything that happened. If a BS is a little mean to the WS in the beginning, thats understandable, but if it is the equivalent of a lifetime in the dungeon, then its not worth saving, and the BS should send the WS packing. 2
MsDecember Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 When I first learned about it, I cried frantically and devastatingly. After a couple of months of trying to rebuild and then discovering XH didn't end the affair, I went balistic. I grabbed trash bags and threw all his clothes in them. He begged me to stop and let's talk. I asked are you still in your affair? Yes. Then buh bye!! I threw all his stuff outside and said get outta here. He begged to stay and I said NO!! Hah. I only wish I had the balls to do that on Dday. 1
MourningLosses Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 When I first learned about it, I cried frantically and devastatingly. After a couple of months of trying to rebuild and then discovering XH didn't end the affair, I went balistic. I grabbed trash bags and threw all his clothes in them. He begged me to stop and let's talk. I asked are you still in your affair? Yes. Then buh bye!! I threw all his stuff outside and said get outta here. He begged to stay and I said NO!! Hah. I only wish I had the balls to do that on Dday. My friend's wife apparently begged and pleaded with him on DDay while he was inclined to leave amicably and be with me. She was mean to him for months then found out we kept it up after he told her he broke it off. Then he dumped me. He just went NC with no explanation and after weeks of that he dumped me in an email. I assume she got tough with him again and locked away his phone and computer or something because I kept texting and emailing. I read the OPs first post. She seems to have a situation where her Mm hadn't made his own choice (like mine on the first DDay), so how does he think he would behave if his wife wasn't policing him?
seren Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 MourningLosses, with respect, you can never, ever know what happened on D Day or if the BS has his phone, computer, locked him in the cellar, have him chained to a rock or whatever. The plain and simple fact is that he is an adult, he gets to choose what he allows, how he is treated and what he accepts and even how he treats you. That he chooses not to contact you or give closure is all down to him, if he was able to carry on a hidden A he sure as hell could contact you. Don't make excuses for his poor behaviour. There is a thread discussing the irrelevance of a BS during an A, after D Day the OW and the A can be irrelevant to the reconciling couple, not saying there isn't hell to pay, but a lot of reconciling married people circle their wagons and all attention is given to their relationship. I always feel that the AP at this time is hoping that there is a longing for the AP by the WS, but if there were, the reconciliation would soon crumble, in many instances the WS is so consumed with trying to make it right and the BS so spun out by it all that the OW just doesn't figure at all. It is cruel and harsh and I feel for anyone who has been promised the moon on a stick only to find it has all gone pooft. I truly hope you heal and get closure if not from him, then from you. Take care x 1
Spark1111 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 My friend's wife apparently begged and pleaded with him on DDay while he was inclined to leave amicably and be with me. She was mean to him for months then found out we kept it up after he told her he broke it off. Then he dumped me. He just went NC with no explanation and after weeks of that he dumped me in an email. I assume she got tough with him again and locked away his phone and computer or something because I kept texting and emailing. I read the OPs first post. She seems to have a situation where her Mm hadn't made his own choice (like mine on the first DDay), so how does he think he would behave if his wife wasn't policing him? I agree with Seren and I am sorry to be very blunt here: He is EXACTLY where he wants to be, doing EXACTLY what he is choosing to do. I could get tough, I could lockdown his computer or cell, I could do everything short of chaining him in the basement, but if HE DIDN"T want that, I could not force him to do, say, be, email any of the above. He would leave with laptop and cell phone packed away in his suitcase. OR, he'd get another cell phone and start calling and texting his OW. No one can TRULY force anyone to do anything.....please understand this. 1
Spark1111 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 When I first learned about it, I cried frantically and devastatingly. After a couple of months of trying to rebuild and then discovering XH didn't end the affair, I went balistic. I grabbed trash bags and threw all his clothes in them. He begged me to stop and let's talk. I asked are you still in your affair? Yes. Then buh bye!! I threw all his stuff outside and said get outta here. He begged to stay and I said NO!! Hah. I only wish I had the balls to do that on Dday. Perfectly understand this and it is completely normal! Full me once, shame on you. Fool me TWICE, shame on me. Often, the cheater returns home with promises and begging and pleading, but they are still addicted to the highs provided by the AP. It's chemical. All they want is a return to the status quo as it was; AP for illicit excitement and spouse and family for stability and comfort. Their feet are in two places but their heart is in neither place. A real split, or cognitive dissonance as psychs call it. In between the highs and lows is a lot of numbness and confusion and compartmentalizing. Actually, it is a very scary place for them to reside. Usually, not UNTIL someone has thrown their azz to the curb, do they snap out of it. Don't blame yourself for this. It happens to many a BS and WS to endure this fake reconciliation after a DDAY. Not until FORCED to make a decision, or to experience life-altering consequences for their addiction, do they snap out of it and decide what they want. Like I told ML, no one can force anyone to do anything. We can only control ourselves and our reactions to others. You were done and I bet he sensed it. Ball now in his court.
FelicityShot Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Did you give them a silent treatment upon discovery? Did you lash out at them at every given opportunity? Were you yelling and mad at them all the time or just treating them like they don't exist to let them know how hurt and betrayed you feel? AND How many days or weeks until you let them touch/kiss you again, or become intimate/have sex after the Dday coz I read about this "Hysterical Bonding". I guess I'm also asking the people who are undergoing or planning to undergo R. Thanks. Mainly I feel the kind of behaviour you describe above as passive aggressive. Silent treatment - treating them like they don't exist -not letting physical contact etc. Why not have it out? Like let the rage rip? That way you'll at least get HB.
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