justcantletgo Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Did you give them a silent treatment upon discovery? Did you lash out at them at every given opportunity? Were you yelling and mad at them all the time or just treating them like they don't exist to let them know how hurt and betrayed you feel? AND How many days or weeks until you let them touch/kiss you again, or become intimate/have sex after the Dday coz I read about this "Hysterical Bonding". I guess I'm also asking the people who are undergoing or planning to undergo R. Thanks.
Furious Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. He cried, he begged for a second chance as the door hit his ass. 3
StormySeas Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Furious is a lot tougher than me. For me, there was a long period of trickle truth, which had a huge bearing on everything. So after truth number one, which was a kiss in our home but nothing else, it was a little bit of anger/happy roller coaster but fairly status quo. Three weeks later, after the first sex details came out, it was "thanks for finally telling me, please get out of our house." A couple of weeks after that, my H came over one evening to see our son and after I put our son to bed, I told him that I still didn't believe everything and that I was going to talk to the OW and there was going to be a polygraph long before he ever got to come back into the house. More truth came out (I think all the truth at this point, but tough to say after this ridiculous process of trickling) and he was once again shown the door. About two weeks after that, he came over one night to carve pumpkins and it was my first intro to "hysterical bonding". It was the first night I thought he looked cute and was the slightest bit attracted to him again, so we had se* many times that night until I thanked him for attending to my womanly needs and showed him the door. My H has had much longer to process all of this (it happened 2.5 years ago and has been over for 2 years, but I found some emails that caused the real truth to start coming out just 2 months ago), which makes a huge difference. For him, he made the decision 2 years ago that he wanted our marriage (ignoring that he wouldn't tell the truth, of course) and totally re-committed himself then to our son and me. So for him, he's reading the same books as me now and thinks we need to start doing all the little and big things (holding hands, date nights, living under the same roof, etc.) that will give us the best chance to R. For me, I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay far away from being able to just move through this roller coaster enough to allow for any of the small or big things on a more consistent basis. I have days where I am incredibly angry. Yesterday was one of them, which meant I got mad and mean on the phone with my H and told him I didn't want to talk to him again about anything until Friday. So I'm not lashing out, silent, or acting normal on a consistent basis...I truly am going up and down the craziest roller coaster of my life and my behaviors are following the roller coaster track. At some point, if I can't get my emotions under control to try to re-build our life, that will indicate that reconciliation is impossible. But right now? It's early in this process and I just want to let myself feel. Allow myself to cycle through the emotions and not worry about moving too fast or too slow as it relates to reconciliation. In my heart of hearts, I know that I want to stay -- primarily because I don't want to have to spend so much less time with my son in sharing weekends/etc. but secondarily because I know I still love my H. He seems to understand that this is going to take me a long time. He is doing his homework and knows that 2-5 years is what research indicates many reconciled couples truly need to have a relationship that is healthy and beyond the day-to-day crap associated with the post-affair emotions. I don't think there's a right way to approach any of this, by the way. It all sucks and you really have to look out for you and do what is best for you. If my H ever gives me crap about moving too slowly to get "over" this or whatever, that will prove to me that he doesn't "get it", never will, and it's time to just move the heck along for both of our sanity. 2
Furious Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Hey StormySeas The poster who started this thread is,was, the OW. 1
StormySeas Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Well then she sucks and I apparently can't read! Thanks for pointing that out, Furious. I'll be removing my post now.
2sure Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think the timeline for initial anger, hysterical bonding, yelling etc ....depends somewhat on how much MM begs pleads and cries. I mean, we're only human.
BetrayedH Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Well then she sucks and I apparently can't read! Thanks for pointing that out, Furious. I'll be removing my post now. But If I remember right, she discovered that her man was married and then even exposed him to his wife. Think she just might be an inadvertent OW that is still searching for understanding. Suppose I should have studied up before posting this but that's my recollection.
Decorative Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I did pretty close to what Furious did. except I changed the locks, exposed to friends and family, and dropped his stuff off at his parents' house, then called to tell him it was over. He begged to save our marriage, within a couple of days. I would not speak to him or deal with him until NC was established. 1
mercy Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I locked him in the basement and fed him bread and water. 4
Furious Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I locked him in the basement and fed him bread and water. You're too kind... 2
mercy Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 You're too kind... It's been said I have a kind heart. 1
FelicityShot Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 My suspicions regarding Dutch girls became humourous. I thought , well you can't be sure... I became aware he was venal.
2sure Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 My suspicions regarding Dutch girls became humourous. I thought , well you can't be sure... I became aware he was venal. This is moving. 1
Artie Lang Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Stromy & mercy, that was some of the funniest sh*t i've heard in awhile. OP, what's the basis if your query, if may ask? 1
BetrayedH Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Stromy & mercy, that was some of the funniest sh*t i've heard in awhile. OP, what's the basis if your query, if may ask? Agreed. And Artie, your voice has been missed here for a few days. Let's try not to let that happen again. 1
Artie Lang Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 BetrayedH- as always, the voice of reason on these boards. now.....let's stop suckin' each others d*cks and help some people out. i'm curious as to the nature of the questioning, given that she was an OW.
MourningLosses Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Isnt the OP the one whose MM she says is under lock and key? I think my friend's wife did that to him. She wouldn't even let him tell me what happened on DDay. I was so worried about what he was going through, I think the OP is just concerned that he may be being made an emotional punching bag. I kept emailing and when he didn't reply I didn't know if he was angry with me or just trapped in a pointless cycle of recriminations. Is that right?
Author justcantletgo Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Just out of curiousity coz I feel like the BW of my xMM is a doormat and didn't give him enough hell after I exposed our almost 2 year EA. I wasn't aware he was married, only found out recently when I did a background check on him and after wasting the time and emotions I invested for so long. They are now doing MC and R, and the BW told me to "get over it and move on" coz it's over when I wanted to speak one last time to my xMM and ask why he lied to me for so long. I wanted a closure basically after my exposure and didn't get it.
waterwoman Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I was hardly in a fit state to keep functioning on a basic level let alone fight with H. I was a pathetic creature who didn't know whether to push him away or hold him close. He was my best friend and had always been the one I turned to when I was unhappy. Ironic eh? We had lots and lots of sex and then I'd cry some more. He went NC with no prompting from me. I didn't need to demand anything on that score. I was tearful and distressed, not even very angry. He went through hell anyway as it hurt him so much to witness me pain and know that he caused it. 4 months down the line I am stronger, no longer clingy and desperate. I know now that if he chooses to leave I can deal with that. I am much healthier. My therapist is amazed at how I have healed. I wish I could have been in this place at D-Day - but it wasn't possible. I don't blame you for wanting closure. I am sorry that you were treated so badly. I hope you can find some peace x 3
BetrayedH Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Just out of curiousity coz I feel like the BW of my xMM is a doormat and didn't give him enough hell after I exposed our almost 2 year EA. I wasn't aware he was married, only found out recently when I did a background check on him and after wasting the time and emotions I invested for so long. They are now doing MC and R, and the BW told me to "get over it and move on" coz it's over when I wanted to speak one last time to my xMM and ask why he lied to me for so long. I wanted a closure basically after my exposure and didn't get it. It's pretty normal for a betrayed spouse to stay, at least initially. The statistics are like 75% of men and 90% of women. You would think that we would all leave our spouse (we thought we would leave, too) but that isn't what happens. We don't instantly fall out of love with our spouse. The wayward typically cries, begs, and pleads with us to stay. They also lie, deny, and minimize ("we only had sex once") such that we don't know the truth. You lose sleep, lose weight and especially if there are kids involved, we try to be the bigger person that saves the family through forgiveness of our remorseful spouse. When I confronted my wife, I had already discovered 17 hotel stays with the OM, had contacted a divorce attorney, and hired a PI to try to get video evidence. She broke down, cried, apologized profusely, said she was happy that I knew, and that it was over. I held her in my arms consoling her. It was absolutely surreal. I spent the next 7 months trying to reconcile with her. It's a state of shock to be honest. And the MM probably "threw you under the bus" by saying that you pursued him and stalked him when he broke up with you. And it is easy for her to hate you as it redirects the anger away from her husband. As for the MM, you'll never get closure from him. That comes from within. 7
2.50 a gallon Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Caught her kissing a guard at work, and loudly called her every name in the book plus some combinations that have not been used before and since, and that it was unsafe for her to come home that night. Having no other place to go and no car she went home with OM and came by a couple of days later with police escort to get her things. A month later she and the OM defiantly came to a neighbors party and she paid me a visit to spend some time with our cats, in truth to rub my nose in her new and exciting life, only to discover that, without me telling her that I had spent the previous night with female companionship in our marital bed. Her facade totally collapsed, and she immediately went outside and at the top of her lungs defamed and humilated the OM's reputation as a love partner. And once back in our apartment began crawling around on the floor begging for a second chance. I never kissed, hugged or held her again, the only physical contact was when I pushed her out the door. She did not understand the word no and made numerous attempts to meet and patch us up over the next 3 to 4 years. All to no avail 1
Artie Lang Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 the only thing i can tell you is "move on!". you're NEVER gonna get the answers you seek. consider yourself lucky it didn't get physical. 1
Spark1111 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Did you give them a silent treatment upon discovery? Did you lash out at them at every given opportunity? Were you yelling and mad at them all the time or just treating them like they don't exist to let them know how hurt and betrayed you feel? AND How many days or weeks until you let them touch/kiss you again, or become intimate/have sex after the Dday coz I read about this "Hysterical Bonding". I guess I'm also asking the people who are undergoing or planning to undergo R. Thanks. I wished him and her well, threw him out, promised to divorce amicably and told our children to continue to treat him and her with respect cuz that's how I raised them. Doubt he ever told her that. He pleaded begged and cried to reconcile, but I wasn't having any of it. I was up in his face furious that he had lied to me! He could have told me the truth, separated and gone to counseling to see if there was a marriage worth saving while he pursued his feelings for her and I, too could have dated. Our children told him the same: why didn't you must tell mom the truth and separate? And yes, we had wild sex while he was living with her, but why not ? I thought, he is still my husband and we still want to be together no matter what the future holds. Why should I deny myself when he is so willing? In fact, we had sex throughout the affair which is one of the reasons I remained clueless to it, despite the fact he told her we rarely to never had sex. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Spark1111 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Just out of curiousity coz I feel like the BW of my xMM is a doormat and didn't give him enough hell after I exposed our almost 2 year EA. I wasn't aware he was married, only found out recently when I did a background check on him and after wasting the time and emotions I invested for so long. They are now doing MC and R, and the BW told me to "get over it and move on" coz it's over when I wanted to speak one last time to my xMM and ask why he lied to me for so long. I wanted a closure basically after my exposure and didn't get it. I'm sorry you went through this. Typical scenario: she's in shock,pain and alternating between shock, anger, denial and tears. He is begging, pleading, talking, talking, talking to keep her from divorcing. In the heat of all that raw emotion is wild, passionate sex.....lots of it. She is actually about a year from the anger and recriminations that come from your toes when you are actually stable enough to allow it. But for now, I would assume he has I minimized your affair, and you, to her just as he had minimized her and his marriage to you. He is frightened, confused and somewhat numb. If she told you to move on, it would only be with his full support as she is hacking all his emails and texts with his full permission as he is desperate to prove to he is now trustworthy an no contact and she wouldn't believe him right now if he said the sky was blue. You will never have closure and neither will she. And that is typical for the affair triangle. The only one with all the information is him and again, typically, he lied to you, helped to her, but MOSTLY he lied to himself so the truth will never e fully known by anyone. 2
Recommended Posts