angie16 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 So long story short - I am about 18 months into a wonderful and balanced loving relationship. After a string of bad guys I met him after he had just moved to the US from the UK. We are both in our mid 30's - never married no kids. I made it very clear very early on that I wanted to be married before having kids and that it was very important to me. He at first (3 months in) had a bit of an issue with that because he said he didn't "believe in marriage as an institution" but had no problem with a long term committed relationship. Since my last serious boyfriend and I split 5 years ago after living together for over a year and talking marriage - for it not to happen and me being very hurt - i let him know that I had made a vow to myself never to live with someone again till I was engaged. Well several months ago he kept pushing to live together and I relented - uneasily at first - but now as the day approaches (this weekend!) I am very happy with my decision. My question comes here - is he even thinking about proposing? How can you tell? I won't lie there is a part of me that wishes he had done it before we moved in - because i made it so clear that it was what I wanted - but that hasn't happened. we both have good jobs and have had both families meet - he and my brother are close - and I spent 3 weeks in the UK meeting all of his good friends and spending time with his family this past summer. All of which have gone excellent. i know he is faithful and committed to me - and I stopped bringing up engagement 2 months ago because he got very irritated and told me that "he wants to do it in his on way". (i can be an over-planner at times) I guess I'm having a bought of mild cold feet - I will be moving in with him no matter what - just thought some input would be nice. Thanks!
clia Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Has he given you any indication that he wants to get married, because it sounds like he hasn't. In fact, he told you flat out that he doesnt believe in it. So, why would you think he has any intention of proposing? Why didn't you listen to him? If you are moving in with him with the hope that he will propose, I fear you may be disappointed. You better think long and hard about this. 1
FitChick Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 If he's from the UK you'd think he'd want to get married to make it easier to stay in the country. Of course, that also gives him an excuse to move back to the UK when his job contract is up. "I'd love to stay but your government is booting me out."
Imported Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 OP, I recommend you ask the Magic 8 Ball Ask the Magic Eight Ball Just type your question into the block, with a ? and hit ask.
mammasita Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Well, since you told him what you wanted but you're moving in regardless, I would say he Isn't proposing. Yore giving him the benefits without a commitment and more importantly you're not standing your ground. 1
tigressA Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 So... He told you he doesn't believe in marriage. He's asked you to stop pushing for engagement. He asked you to move in together after you repeatedly said you won't move in with someone unless you're engaged, and you caved and said yes. And you really think he's likely to propose to you? In what dimension? 4
SJC2008 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 When you live with a man out of wedlock, more often than not there is no proposal.
mammasita Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 So... He told you he doesn't believe in marriage. He's asked you to stop pushing for engagement. He asked you to move in together after you repeatedly said you won't move in with someone unless you're engaged, and you caved and said yes. And you really think he's likely to propose to you? In what dimension? Exactly. You're giving him exactly what you said you wouldn't .
fetish1980 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 O/P, this is a question that you should've asked us before actually making your decision to move in. Because anything we say at this point that's not in line with your decision is more than likely to piss you off. But what the hell... Experience should have told you that it is not the best thing to move in with someone if your ultimate goal is to marry them. I lived with my ex and we were engaged for 2 years, together for a total of 8. I thought we were so in love with eachother and we were both set on getting married. It was the times that we didn't live together that kept us together for so long. I'm not saying it can't be done though, my old high school friend just got married to his long term girlfriend after having 2 children and living together for 8 years. Hopefully it lasts. But on an average, living together before marriage kills the spark and the thrill of being married. But at the same time, it gives you a chance to see eachother's true colors. It was fortunate for me that I got a chance to see my ex's bad habits and demons before I actually married her. Truth was, I had seen them before but I chose to ignore all the red flags and blame in on her youth and inexperience. You've already made your decision to move in, so i would suggest that you give him a time limit to at least propose. If you're in a lease, perhaps make it a goal to be engaged halfway through the lease or before lease end. Just an example, but you have to make that call. Good luck to you. 1
venusianx13 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I honestly cannot say I see a proposal coming, at least not in the near future. His irritation at your bringing it up is a bit of a red flag. Do you ever talk marriage with him; has he given you any indication that his feelings on the matter have changed? A man's willingness to discuss marriage, children, etc, with you is most certainly the biggest indicator. And he will engage these discussions some of the time, too (that is, if he's thinking of moving the relationship forward.) I made a rule for myself that I would not move in with a man without a plan for marriage (i.e. engagement). My boyfriend is well aware of this, and agrees with me. As much as I love and adore my boyfriend, I'd never cave on this. I won't allow myself the risk of being strung along. I sincerely hope you can find a way to back out of this arrangement and stick to your guns. I learned the hard way that no happy endings came from going against my convictions to keep a man around.
venusianx13 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 You've already made your decision to move in, so i would suggest that you give him a time limit to at least propose. If you're in a lease, perhaps make it a goal to be engaged halfway through the lease or before lease end. Just an example, but you have to make that call. Good luck to you. I completely agree... if you cannot back out of moving in together, give him a firm timeline, YOUR timeline. But you have to be prepared to stick to it.
musemaj11 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) Marriage is for stupid men. Its like buying a depreciating asset with no chance of appreciating. Edited November 8, 2012 by musemaj11
musemaj11 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) Nice post dude. But, this shows the kind of man the OP is dating. She is dealing with a person like you. Yes, she is dating a smart man like me who refuses to fall into a ploy. And you are right. Women are indeed just like car dealers. Full of deceits to rob you off every penny. Edited November 8, 2012 by musemaj11
Drseussgrrl Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Yes, she is dating a smart man like me who refuses to fall into a ploy. And you are right. Women are indeed just like car dealers. Full of deceits to rob you off every penny. Jesus - jaded much?
Author angie16 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 sorry wasn't getting alerted to the responses. we move in tomorrow - he just had flowers delivered to my work with a card "that's for taking a chance on me, I love you and this is a chapter". I know that I can only be mad about myself about breaking a promise to myself. period. I'm taking a risk yes, but just to enhance for you guys - he has changed his stance on marriage - we have talked about children, families, what country we want to live in etc - and he is looking forward to that step. the issue he has with me bringing it up or trying to take the lead is exactly that - he wants to take the lead and propose his way without me knowing or planning. I know I may be an idiot, but I do love and trust him right now - I was mostly asking for particular signs that things are in the right direction. thanks again.
FitChick Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Regardless, you should have a firm timeline for moving out if he doesn't propose. After a year, if he is still unsure, that is your answer. I wouldn't recommend getting pregnant to force his hand either. He wouldn't be able to stay in the US if you weren't married but you could move to the UK being a domestic partner, which would mean he wouldn't have to marry you .
snowflakes88 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I'm taking a risk yes, but just to enhance for you guys - he has changed his stance on marriage - we have talked about children, families, what country we want to live in etc - and he is looking forward to that step. You can do all those things without being married. Has he specifically said he wants to marry you? If so, I agree with a timeline - but only if you're willing to stick with it. If you're going to compromise on it the same way you did with moving in, don't bother.
Author angie16 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 he's here in the US on a work VISA with 2 more years. I would not leave the country without being married - he already knows that - i've made that clear. And yes, he's said he wants to marry me. More than once.
FitChick Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 he's here in the US on a work VISA with 2 more years. I would not leave the country without being married - he already knows that - i've made that clear. And yes, he's said he wants to marry me. More than once. You made it clear that you would never move in with him and you didn't. Oh, wait... I predict you will cave on the one year timeline because he will say "Just give me another year" and then he'll leave the country (and you) when his visa expires. I need glasses. I could have sworn you said he didn't believe in marriage. Must call LensCrafters...
Author angie16 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 he said that over a year ago - and we talked about it - and his reasons for not believing in it he admitted were silly and he completely changed his tune a long time back. his dad already said that he had been asking about his late mom's ring when we visited in august. I didn't come here to get belittled or deal with unhappy people - seriously - I've only thanked all of you - why the hate?
Author angie16 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 and honestly if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. I have a great career in NYC and so does he. We have several factors for moving in at this time and we're doing it. He's the opposite of the ex that didn't work out after living together - he's been asking for over 9 months and yes - I CAVED - but it makes financial sense. We have a great place that we couldn't have had alone - and we're looking forward to it. I was personally done with roommates in a crappy apartment - in some places it makes complete sense to live together - especially when a 1br is north of 2K a month.
oldschool1 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Angie, I am sorry to hear that people are giving you a hard time on this site. I did move in with a man who proposed three years later, but the dynamics of that relationship were different; I had never mentioned marriage (nor was it on my mind), so it was all his idea. Now, your boyfriend knows that marriage is on your mind. This means that you don't ever need to remind him; that transmission was broadcast loud and clear. If you actually want to marry him, I agree that you do need to give him a chance to take the initiative. Men prefer to convince YOU. Yes, it's silly, but that's how it seems to work. You are a savvy NYC professional, so I don't have to tell you this! I don't think there's much you can really do to convince a man to propose, but you can certainly KEEP him from proposing. Case in point: a close male friend of mine was head over heels with a woman recently, but she kept screwing it up by insisting they move in together, get married and immediately have children WAY too early (a month in!!). Though he would have wanted all of these things with her, she pushed it too hard and too fast. Obviously, you have been together much longer and would never behave in such an extreme manner... You're already moving in with him, so that's a done deal. For a lot of people, living together before marriage is a crucial step. I don't think it would ruin your chances if your relationship is wonderful. Lots of people who bypass living together and head straight to marriage end up divorcing. Just try to present yourself as a future wife, and simultaneously give him his space on the marriage issue. If your relationship is a keeper, then things will work out. Breaking up is always a risk, whether you are married or not.
venusianx13 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 If he's stated that he wants to marry you, fantastic. Also, the inquiry about the family ring sounds very promising. I'm sure you'd like to see it happen sooner, rather than later, though, right? If you're open about wanting to marry one another, little nudges on your part can help, but keep things positive. If he feels cornered or pushed, he may become hesitant. You should definitely be able to express to him your wishes, though, and hopefully it will be well received by him. The additional details to your situation were helpful. It does indeed sound like things are coming together... you should remain cautiously optimistic!
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