Soo Confused, HELP!

[LoveBear]

b] Hi. I'm new to this site and I've come here because I'm so confused and I'm hoping that I can get some help. I've been seeing this guy for 5 months now. Things were great at the beginning. We were like best friends, and we did everything together. The past few months things have died down. Which I can understand, that usualy happens after things aren't so new anymore. I asked him why and he says that it's because he isn't ready for a relationship. I asked him why and he says that he's been overweight and not so attractive all his life, and all of a sudden girls are paying attention to him, and people actually want to be his friend now and they never did before.

 

I can understand what he's saying. He's finally getting the attention he's been longing for, for so long. When I asked him to explain to me further why he couldn't be with just me, he did explain. He tells me he wants to be with me, and he doesn't want to regret it. He tells me that he wants to enjoy his youth and he's just not ready to settle down.

 

I'm confused because I do all family things with him. Reunions, birthdays, graduations. I'm always there. But for fun things like movies and things, he does those with other girls. He's always telling me WHEN we get married, WHEN we have kids, WHEN we get a place together. It's just so confusing.

 

Here come the topper to this whole thing.....he bought me a brand new 2004 Mustang and paid the insurance on it. He can buy me a $30,000 car and insure it but he can't commit to being just with me? I didn't ask for the car, and I've never asked him for anything else.

 

I'm just so very confused right now, and it's breaking my heart to see the man that I love need to "find himself". Why would he do that? A car's a big deal, he's not just buying me dinner here. Why would a man commit to a car, but not a relationship.

[HoldOn]

Take the car and run!

 

Wooo. Free car! At least you got that out of the relationship. As for long term potential, don't count on it.

 

Things were great at the beginning. We were like best friends, and we did everything together.

 

If you spend every minute with someone, they are bound to feel smoothered. I can never understand why people drop the rest of their lives to hang out with a new love interest. It's just as important to keep the rest of your life going too.

 

I am not sure whether this guy is worth it or not, but either way your actions should be the same.

 

1.) If you want him, you should give him space and let him come to you. He is feeling overwhelmed, therefore any contact from you will make him feel more overwhelmed. Even if you think you are being totally nonchalant and easy-going. Also, if you don't call him he will begin to miss you more. Even if he doesn't call you, you will be in a stronger position to get over him.

 

2.) If you don't want him, you should never call him again. Start getting over him now.

 

In either case you do the same thing, see? But with a different goal in mind.

[LoveBear]

Ok, so we decided that this coming Saturday (tomorrow) we are going to have a long talk about how much I'm hurting. I'm not sure how it's going to go. All week he's been sending me messages and things because I used to write him, now I don't and things to tell me that he misses me. Last night he called me to come over. Said he missed me and it would be worth my while. I went over, we decided we would wait til Saturday to talk, and we ended up having sex. I am soooo much more confused. I don't know what to say to him. We had such a good time last night, and it kind of made me forget my purpose for our talk on Saturday, to just call things off and maybe stay friends. Now I don't know. I don't see my life without him, but I hurt when we aren't together. Any suggestions on what I should say during our talk?

 

He says we need to figure this whole thing out. I agree. Does this mean that he sees that he's hurting me, and he's willing to change? One of the messages was, that he didn't want me out of his life, that he loved me, and wants me to lay by him every night sometime in the near future. What?

[HoldOn]

it's because he isn't ready for a relationship.

 

Sounds like the truth. Maybe you should listen to him.

 

But more importantly. Look at his actions. He is dating other girls. He obviously doesn't see it as so serious. The fact that he says WHEN you get married etc... is just a way to keep you around. Just like the car is a way to keep you in the wings. Why is he doing this? For sex and for attention. It's so simple. You just need to open your eyes, girl.

 

So is he dating other people while you sit at home and think about him? That's so sad. You need to date other people too, otherwise you have a totally one-sided relationship.

 

So, he is calling you lately because he feels you slipping away. I think you should let him slip through all the way and say goodbye.

 

Also, stop sleeping with him until you are monogamous. At least use a condom.

 

Any suggestions on what I should say during our talk?

 

Goodbye.

 

Your relationship is a joke. If you want to be exclusive say goodbye and find someone who will be. There are thousands of guys out there who are looking for that. Please go out and find one. This guy won't change and you can't trust him.

 

(Could I get some help here?)

[carolina]

A car has no expecations....a person does...

 

MAYBE it was easier for him to give a nice material give to compensate for what he's lacking in the areas that truely matter.

 

Don't read too much into those "material things" like the car. Don't get me wront--I'm not saying give it back or anything but take note:

My good friend was dating a REALLY rich trader. He spoiled her (with material things like nice jewelery, BMW, Prada purses...you get the idea) more than you could imagine.

 

You know what? He also cheated on her and treated her like crap too.

 

She is now with a guy who makes WAY less money, BUT he provides those quatities the other guy didn't have and was compensating for with nice gifts. Her new guy loves her unconditionally---not only if she's looking 'hot' making for nice arm candy, he buys her gifts that may not be all that expensive but may mean a lot to her & took thought...

 

Trust me....don't read too much into material gifts.

 

A truely loving,caring guy/girl can be soooo much more than than any of those gifts are worth.

[LoveBear]

Thanks for the imput. Well, I did see him this weekend. We talked. I asked a lot of questions. I asked him why he got me the car. His answer was that he loves me, and the car I had before was dangerous. He wouldn't be able to live if something happened to me, with him knowing that my old car wasn't safe. He said he got it so that I would be ok and he wouldn't worry everytime I left him. I asked if he would do it for someone else, he said no. There's no one he would trust or love that much to be able to do it for.

 

We also talked about him dating other girls. He then turned on the computer and showed me a journal that he's been writing for about 10 years now. In it were details of his life. He showed me the entries that had me in them. There have been over 200 entries detailing me within the past 6 months. Every entry said the same thing. " I love Sasha so much, I just don't know what to do. Every day I want to ask her to be with me forever, but I'm so confused and I don't know what to do."

 

I asked what he's confused about. He said that he loves me and wants to be with me so badly. He asked for me to hear him out and I did. He said that I'm everything he wants, everything he needs and he sees me with him forever. The last thing he's want to do, is do something that would totally push me out of his life forever. He told me what he's told me before, that he's been obese (at one point was 400 pounds, now hes 270) all his life, and he's lost weight, now people want to be his friend, and girls pay attention to him. He's wanted it all his life and now he has the attention, he just got the attention he's always wanted. He says it's hard for him to give it up.

 

According to him, he's very confused. He says that he wants to marry me, but he is also enjoying the attention he's craved all his life, and being with me, means he has to give it up.

 

Any thoughts?

[Girlie]

Sounds like he's being honest with you, at the very least. He likes you, but he's not sure he's ready for anything serious. However, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He knows you want more than he's going to give you right now, but he's going to do what he can to keep you around. I can understand and appreciate his position, having once been considered an ugly duckling, only to bloom later in life and get the attention I *thought* always wanted (and learned that the old saying "be careful what you wish for" was too true). It sounds like you like him a lot, but my advice to you is to back off of this relationship. I'm sure he likes and cares for you, but he's not ready to settle in. If you can't handle that (and it sounds like you're hurting over it), you should probably not get involved in this for the time being. He's been honest with you about the fact that he's not sure he's ready to give up the attention he's getting from other women. Now you have to decide whether you can tolerate that or not...or whether you even want to. I know this must be tough...good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[overseas2004]

Dear

 

I agree with everyone and what they are writing about the car. I had a bf who spent tons of money on me once and then I found out he was married. The gifts I understood later to be bribes to let him behave badly like he did.

 

Your bf is not treating you very nice and you need to let him go. While I understand the fact that he was fat and now he is slender and needs to experiment ... that is all well and good. Why does he need to hurt you in the process of finding his skinny self?

 

What all this says to me is that he is weak and insecure and that he needs to see your pain so that he can feel like he is worth something. That is why he keeps you around with all the promises of marriage and the future.

 

Do you really think a man who wants to marry you would be taking other women out to the movies and maybe even having sex with them.

 

WHY THE HELL AREN"T YOU MAD??? HOW COME YOU AREN"T SO MAD THAT YOU REFUSE TO SPEAK TO HIM????

 

Jeez ... women in this day and age have become so friggen weak. You allow someone to step all over you and then you go have sex with him??? How does that make any sense girl?

 

What you need to do is tell him your talk on Saturday is cancelled and that you have other plans without specifying what your plans are. Go out and have fun and forget about him. Celebrate life with your girlfriends. Go see a movie. Get out of town for a weekend. Do something for yourself... Oh I know... go get your hair and nails done and look your best. That always works for me.

 

As for him just stop talking to him. If he really really loves you. He wont let you slip away. And then if he really needs to speak to you he will find you. If he doesn't care he will let you slip away and then you will have your answer about how he really feels about you.

 

Your plan for him to come over on Saturday and tell him how you are hurting isn't going to work. Trust me I have tried this more times than I would care to admit. I found that it DOESN"T WORK EVER. Somehow men end up not listening to what you are saying and actually behave even worse towards you after you pour out your feelings. If you do this... you will see that it wont effect him. Actions, for some reason, speak much louder than words with men. They are not as emotionally tuned into themselves or us ...as we would like them to be.

 

I wish you would trust me. This is how women did things in the old days when my mom and grandma where young. And it worked much much better.

 

Regards,

 

Overseas2004

[LoveBear]

I'm telling him today, that's it IT'S OVER. Any advice on how to remain strong and not fall into what I call: "the love trap". Here's my plan: I refuse to break up with someone, online, on the phone, ect. I've had it done to me, and it's horrible. Not right, so I can't do that to someone. We're going to go somewhere other than one of our houses. I think that's how the trap begins. And, well, I'm going to tell him that he's hurting me greatly, and I can't do it anymore, so we are just going to go our separate ways for good. No chance in us remaining friends.

 

What I need to know is how do I remain strong? I always tell myself I'm going to tell him, but then I when the time comes, the words never can make their way from my head to my mouth. Please any suggestions will help. I've never broken up with anyone, so I'm not sure how to go about it, and actually accomplish it.

[LoveBear]

Ok so I told him this weekend it was over. He cried and got very upset and was practically on his hands and knees begging me to stay. He asked me to spend the night Saturday night because he didn't want me to leave. He slept on the floor and I slept in the bed. In the morning he left to go to work. He asked if he could have a hug. He held me tight and got upset once again. He asked for a kiss, I told him no, it's not appropriate. He left upset. As soon as he got to work, he sent me an email (never got email from him before) telling me how much he loved me and didn't want to lose me and would die if I was out of his life. I waited until this morning to write him back and I told him, that I was confused and don't know what I want. The same thing he said to me weeks ago.

 

It's weird to me that all of a sudden when I willing to give him what he wanted, he freaked out. Now he's basically kissing my ass so I'll come back. Be careful what you wish for.

 

I feel guilty because I'm taking pleasure in seeing his pain. Mainly because I was hurting for so long, and now he's hurting just as I was. Am I a cold hearted person for taking pleasure in this?