Waytoblue Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 My last post was about online infidelity and catching my husband doing just that.Right now,I am trying to figure out how to solve the problem or leave.Given I would rather not lose all I have contributed much to? I understand if I walk out,I will lose all for abandonment.I am planning a consultation with an attorney to discuss my options. At first I felt my husband was having a mid-life crisis but now I am not so sure.This man has tormented me with this woman he connected to online in every way he possibly can.He has continued his use of the site he connected with her on and ALL of his free time spent there.As far as I know he has her blocked but who knows since he locked me out of everything...even his phone. I ended up at the ER with severe panic attacks and ice pick headaches.While at the hospital seeking help for anxiety he had his face in his phone on that site the entire time.He even posted he had a family situation and was at the hospital.He also threw the woman and why he cared about her in my face while waiting to see the doctor.He is OBSESSED with this site and it has become his life.This morning some of her(the chat partner) posts ended up in my feed.I am not connected to her in any way. I told my husband about it.He blamed me saying I was on there talking to her about him and he wanted to know what was said.I have never spoke to this woman one on one(just used husbands account to speak directly to him and that he has a wife,not to her personally)-ever.Then he stated it was public and just happened to find its way to my notifications by way of...idk, serendipity. It was not a popular post that would find it's way to everyone.None of her posts have ever shown up on my feed before.He is bound and determined to defend this woman who he has never even met offline.This to me seems a bit off,the incident this morning.I am really try to move forward but this is not helping. He is saying he doesn't know who he is anymore,isn't sure what will happen with us and expecting me to single-handedly change while he carries on as usual and treating me as the enemy.Even the people at the hospital noticed it and heard what was said between us in the room. Little did I know the doctor was leaning up against the wall outside listening.This man(my husband)has said and done all he can to cause me to melt down and then point the finger of blame at me.I'm calm now and scheduling with a doctor to manage my anxiety during this difficulty as suggested to me at the ER.My husband is still ,in my opinion gas lighting me. Yes,I know I am the one who had the panic attacks but I am seeing something is seriously wrong with my husband.Seriously wrong.Who has an inappropriate relationship with someone online,gets caught then sets out to rub it in their spouses face as hard as they can....while in the hospital?I believe my husband has either some kind of imbalance or personality disorder.He even went as far as to record another patient at the hospital loudly disagreeing with the doctor to post it on this site....yes,really.I can't believe any of this is happening and I feel like I'm having a nightmare I can't wake up from.I can't believe this is going on in my life it's surreal.
2sure Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Why on earth would you lose everything if you left him? Moving out can complicate the division of assets if you own the home together, and it can certainly complicate child custody if you have kids and leave them with him. But neither of those circumstances automatically mean you lose...anything. His behavior to you sounds mean and vicious. It does not sound as though he wants to be married or at the least that he wants to be more than roommates. As much as it effects your health and emotions - those things will not change his position, dont expect them to. If he will not stop his behavior and work on the marriage, if he is admitting to you that he prefers to care for this OW...as crazy as it sounds and as common as a mid life crisis is...what can you do? Is he meeting her in person, planning on it or claiming they are only friends? 1
Author Waytoblue Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 I was told she asked him what if she wanted to meet him.She lives a couple of states away. So no I do not believe they have met personally.We do own our home together.I contributed a large sum to have this home.I realize my health is more important.I've been told if I walk out ,in my state,I could loose everything under the grounds of abandonment.I will be speaking with an attorney soon. His behavior is vicious and he seems to be getting off on it(excuse my terminology).It seems more to me than a crisis.It's seems sadistic and way off mentally to me.And when he says these things he can barely contain the smile or smirk I see on his face.There is no remorse,no empathy,no compassion and I understand there is nothing I can do.I guess I am just in shock.
Just a Guy Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Can you not get a legal separation till you can figure things out for your self? You do not have to walk out of your home without some sort of legal sanction to do so. However it seems to me that you do need to move out of his presence as it seems that that is having a very negative effect on you. A lawyer would be your best bet. Are you financially dependent on your husband or do you have independent financial means? Best of luck with whatever you choose to do. 2
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Sorry, but your husband is a complete a.sshole! He is so wrapped up in his own little fantasy world and hurting you, disrespecting you so badly. I really want to come over to your house and YELL at him for you! Go stay with your parents. Or kick him out of the house, seriously,, this pig needs to suffer some major consquences and to learn a lesson! He's done absolutely NOTHING to earn your trust back, he's not remorseful at all and he's still doing what he wants to do, even though it's killing you inside and giving you panic attacks and anxiety. I'm so angry for you!! Please consider leaving him for a while. Being around him is so unhealthy ,especially since he's not supporting you at all as a husband or even as a friend! Sorry that you're going through this.
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I was told she asked him what if she wanted to meet him.She lives a couple of states away. So no I do not believe they have met personally.We do own our home together.I contributed a large sum to have this home.I realize my health is more important.I've been told if I walk out ,in my state,I could loose everything under the grounds of abandonment.I will be speaking with an attorney soon. His behavior is vicious and he seems to be getting off on it(excuse my terminology).It seems more to me than a crisis.It's seems sadistic and way off mentally to me.And when he says these things he can barely contain the smile or smirk I see on his face.There is no remorse,no empathy,no compassion and I understand there is nothing I can do.I guess I am just in shock. Can we say, narcissist?? His behaviour is disgusting. That isn't the man you fell in love with and married. He's a stranger right now who is only thinking of himself. 1
2sure Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 This is just awful. Yes, good advice to see an attorney and possibly get the ball rolling with a legal seperation even though you both still live in the house. If your state has that abandonment rule...is must provide for those circumstance as well? Also, you are being emotionally abused which might count for something given that your doctor knows first hand it is effecting your health. Its possible I suppose...that setting things in motion will be a wake up call for him and may at least generate some meaningful conversation about your feelings and his behavior. 1
Author Waytoblue Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 Narcissist.Yes,I am wondering if this is the case.He's home now saying I am going after this woman,lol.She is on there posting pics of her laying on the floor,etc now.Geese.Husband has her unblocked still,of course. I have thought of legal seperation.And no he isn't doing squat to earn any trust back at all.I just went to sleep today for hours.I am so exhausted.All I can say is if he wants a woman who advertises herself online like she does?Good luck to him.He can even see other guys on there saying things to her and liking her posts but it doesn't phase him.He said he wondered if she was playing the feild but she only talks to a couple of the guys(he has no idea who all she may be talking to). I do have an income but mine is lower than his.My main concern is not loosing what I invested in the house and is why I am sseking advise from an attorney.I am also reading up on NPD bc I strongly suspect that is what I am dealing with.I just need to get past the shock of it so I can think and plan.Infidelity is one thing his sadistic behavior is another.I believe the behavior is worse for me in a lot of ways. And yes,he is a class A,#1 *******.
FelicityShot Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Narcissist.Yes,I am wondering if this is the case.He's home now saying I am going after this woman,lol.She is on there posting pics of her laying on the floor,etc now.Geese.Husband has her unblocked still,of course. I have thought of legal seperation.And no he isn't doing squat to earn any trust back at all.I just went to sleep today for hours.I am so exhausted.All I can say is if he wants a woman who advertises herself online like she does?Good luck to him.He can even see other guys on there saying things to her and liking her posts but it doesn't phase him.He said he wondered if she was playing the feild but she only talks to a couple of the guys(he has no idea who all she may be talking to). I do have an income but mine is lower than his.My main concern is not loosing what I invested in the house and is why I am sseking advise from an attorney.I am also reading up on NPD bc I strongly suspect that is what I am dealing with.I just need to get past the shock of it so I can think and plan.Infidelity is one thing his sadistic behavior is another.I believe the behavior is worse for me in a lot of ways. And yes,he is a class A,#1 *******. I agree we can all be *********s etc. Well we looked in... Someone lost like that? Find him. You loved him once. Find him. Lose the disgust, get with the dark side of us all, if he is doing it in that way, it's becsause he doesn't really want to. You are a fool ( I have been that kind) to think about his 'diagnosed' faults. We are human. We go to bad places. Bring him back. Judging doesn't help anyone.
Author Waytoblue Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 I am not diagnosing him.I am wondering.At the moment I can't do anything.I caught him talking with the woamn again.He is now in a motel staying there.I have TRIED to bring him back.I can't do so if he continues contact with this woman and refuses to stop doing this.
Author Waytoblue Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 I wrote him a long letter stating all the good things about him.How I really do love him.How I want our home and marriage.I have tried holding him,kissing him,listening.And while he sat in our living room tonight with a smile on his face he was busy posting to her. I know we all have a dark side(I am no exception).I am trying to understand this thing he is going through.But when I saw that tonight....after he blocked her(then unblocked)I knew this man, whatever it is he is going through,must NEED to keep in contact with this woman.As he walked out the door(with the cops,btw so he could get his clothing)he looked back at me in tears.I kept calm and told him good bye.I told him bf he brought the cops to our door he could come get his stuff in peace and go. Felicity,I hear you.I know I'm judging(I'm hurt)but I don't know what to do.This woman told him to tell me she wasn't out to ruin a marriage.He said the woman blamed him.If she was any kind of woman she would tell my husband the talks and posting is over.Same for husband.
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I am not diagnosing him.I am wondering.At the moment I can't do anything.I caught him talking with the woamn again.He is now in a motel staying there.I have TRIED to bring him back.I can't do so if he continues contact with this woman and refuses to stop doing this.See your divorce lawyer. If abandonment is grounds for divorce in your country or area, he's just abandoned you.
Author Waytoblue Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Yes,he did and it is on record.
Saba Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 You need to focus on taking care of yourself. He will do what he will do and you can't change that. He sounds cruel and you really shouldn't have to deal with that. It is great that he is out of the house as it may give you the space you need to get over the shock. My best wishes to you.
Author Waytoblue Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Thank you,Saba.Yes,I do need the space.He claims he is coming home tomorrow,lol.And I know he will continue this.He says it's not an affair or one about to start but then turned around and said he told her not to post anything like that to be see.He has blocked me from more emails,etc too. I will get over the shock but getting over the pain will take a lot of work.I'm trying to take care of myself.
seren Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Waytoblue, is there someone, family or a friend who can come stay with you for a few weeks? Sounds like you need taking care of for a little while. My H had an A when he had PTSD after Iraq and his behaviour was very, not him. However, he didn't do anything like what your H is doing. Is there anything happening in his life that may have tipped him over the edge? If his behaviour and personality have changed that much, can you say when it happened? I agree with the other replies that say he is acting like a complete b****** and his indifference towards your feelings can sometimes happen, however, it does seem very over the top and quite calculated. I will suggest counselling for him but suspect he wouldn't agree to it. Have you asked what the hell is going on and why? I imagine you have, so what did he say? I would have someone stay, especially while he lives in a hotel and comes back and fro, I would also get advice as to the house, have you got any children? has he changed towards other people or just you? If he had a mental illness, it would be odd if he could maintain a usual self in front of others. All in all it sounds just dreadful. Take care x
Author Waytoblue Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 I have asked,yes.He says he doesn't know who he is anymore or what he wants.He hates his job and female boss.He and I have argued bc of that,my peri menopause,his brow beating me if I don't agree with all his views.We have argued over insurance(for our home we bought just last year),all kinds of things.His kids(adults)are complaining he doesn't want to be in his life because he can't afford to go visit them(out of state.so is this woman). I have also been having a hard time with aging,feeling lost and frustrated.Depressed. He,through his comments to her,was saying similar things he used to,to me.He even brought up a song that he brought up to me five years ago. He has now blocked me from even our cell phone accounts,his photobucket(with some of my pics on it),etc.He is now online talking about picking up biking again(OW is a health and fitness nut)I suspect to get fit for this woman.He has muted me from being able to comment to him.He has covered all his bases while sitting in his motel room(probably talking to OW). He wrote this poem on there he had sent to her.Talking about how lives are to be read.Some pass it up and then someone comes along who wants to hear what you have to say and then you get caught in their dream catcher.Then a beautiful life. I think he believes this woman can provide him with a better life,something better to look at and bed.He had told me he stopped talking to her then he started acting weird toward me again.So i knew something was up.When he walked out the door last night he looked back at me in tears but yet he continues this with this woman. And I must say once she realizes he can't keep up with her(and he won't no matter how hard he tries)and she isn't too enthused with him(other than maybe his military insurance for her and her eight year old kid)he will be eating dust.All the while texting me and calling me..my love..:sick:and talking about vows.This woman still is connected to him and is buying this crap hook,line and sinker while posting suggestive pics of herself.I believe he is buying into her look and body and wants it so bad he is willing to give up me,our home,everything for this hooch. All the loving or kind gestures,telling him I love him,really pouring out my heart has done no good.None.If I leave to stay with my parents I will have to get a u haul because he has threatened to toss all my belonging,family heirlooms,etc.And yes it seems calculated bc it probably is.I think it's been happening for months.He post stuff like she completed him having her in his day.And without her heart broken.He is chasing after some ideal of romance,new love and sex.I believe he thinks he is in love with her...I really do.And her posts yesterday indicated he has been telling her all that has been going on and said between us since.I feel she was taunting me with the posts. And since he has got into this record thing on his phone?I believe he has recorded me during argument lately to use against me.And probably sending it to people.Then he found out another friend online was in a coma(supposedly,I hope not)and cried on the phone to me from his room that he shouldn't have ignored her.Implying bc he did she is now in a coma with 25% chance to llive. You can't make this stuff up!I feel like I am literally in the twilight zone.I haven't slept all night and I am in such pain I can't stand it.Yet there he is worried about OW and this other friend(and if it's true I really do hope this person pulls through).I don't believe anything he says any longer.
frozensprouts Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 your husband sure is acting like a jackass... my best advice to you is that not matter how much it may hurt and make you feel like you are giving up,, you need to stand up for yourself...don't let things just happen to you- start taking back some control. see a lawyer and find out what your options are, and make sure your husband knows that you aren't going to wait around for him to sort himself out...you don't have to be cruel about it, but don't take anymore crud form him either... let him know that if he wants to be with her, as much as it may hurt, you wish him well, but you aren't going to stick around while he figures out out...get yourself into some counseling and build up a strong support network for yourself... you can get through this... 1
Author Waytoblue Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Thanks.Yes definately talking to an attorney so I can prepare for the worst.Sitting around waiting on him to figure it out is exactly what he wants.He has this book called Love must be tough by James Dobson(my husband is an evangelical of sorts,I am not another issue at times)and wants me to go about my way and hope he will come back to the marriage.I agree I need to step back for my mental health but I don't feel like waiting around while he plays on the internet.He called me this morning crying he was sorry he hurt me,sorry he caused me pain,sorry he wasn't who I thought he was. Now he is on his way home and called and txt me upset.Saying I need to let her go,let him go do whatever I felt I needed to.And my day would brighten if I could see beyond the darkness and let sunshine in.The internet has inspired him to be poetic lately through all those quotes,etc ppl post.I like the internet don't get me wrong but I want to live a real life more than I want to be online.For him it's become actual life.But that is his issue.I have to try to focus on taking care of me and I may be staying else where soon after I speak with an attorney. I have called a clinic for counseling and to medicate my anxiety and depression.Thanks for the encouragment.I know as hard as it is?I will get through this.
seren Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Cover all your bases, an attorney is the way to go. Then what FS said, tell him to go be with her. The ball is then firmly tossed into his court. TBH if H was doing all this, I would cut the dammed internet off. It does sound like a really awful situation, I would tell her not to reposnd to you and if she does you will go to the police. As for him, people talk on here about the 180, not too sure what it is and maybe someone else can explain it. What do you want? do you want him to come back, not the way he is of course, but saying that, if he doesn't get help I wonder just where he is inside himself. Take care x
UpwardForward Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 So he's in an emotional relationship with her and they haven't physically met yet. He may be disappointed .. or not. Yes, the symptoms are what I have lived. In my situation, he did decide to leave and be with her. Some others would tell you they were able to save their marriages. Either way, I would emphasize that you make a back up life for yourself, financially or job/careerwise.
Author Waytoblue Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 By saying I have tried to bring him back I meant emotionally.Before I found out he was still talking to the OW after he told me he had stopped.It was a reply to a poster who pointed out we all have a dark side and go to bad places and try to bring him back from that.Not bring him back from the motel. He stayed at a motel.I did not beg him to come back at all.As a matter of fact when he told me he thought we should have some space away from each other?I told him then perhaps he should go stay at his sister's or else where bc I wasn't leaving my home. If he wants to leave our home and stay else where more power to him.And yes,in my state if you leave and stay gone a certain amount of time it is considered abandonment.He is free to go live where ever he wants.
Tara247 Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Waytoblue, this is really sick. I'll post more tomorrow.
Author Waytoblue Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 (edited) What is spousal abandonment? Spousal abandonment is a term used to describe the situation when one spouse leaves the marital home or relationship without informing or getting the consent of the other spouse. Abandonment is grounds for divorce in many states. However, courts in most states require that the spouse needs to have been gone for a minimum period of time before someone can file for a divorce on the grounds of abandonment. There it is Just a poster.Do I like the abuse?Well,no.Am I consulting an attorney before making a move?Yep.Very soon. Edited November 9, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
beenburned Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 waytoblue, In the state I live in, the spouse must be gone for 1 year before the other spouse can file on the grounds of abandonment. This happened to my D when her first H left her to run off with an OW. He also left her with all the bills and no money. Contact a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself!
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