To those who think it's rude not to respond to an email

[scratch]

I had a legendarily bad experience rejecting someone online, and saved the conversation. She first wrote me with no photo, and I invited her to send one over.

 

She wrote me twice more, and I ignored her. Then she wrote this:

"I haven't heard from you. I e-mailed you twice. I think this will be my last until I hear from you. You e-mailed me a week or so ago in reference to my note. Are you doing okay?"

 

My response:

"I apologize for not getting back to you as a courtesy. You're not really who I'm looking for. Best of luck."

 

Hers:

"I'm sorry, but you responded to my note and requested a photo, and I said I didn't have one on hand. If you were not interested, why did you respond to the note? As for luck, I never needed it in the men department. You come off rather rude. If you didn't mean to, you did.

 

I wish YOU the best of luck in your search. I know your not what I'm looking for, for sure. Arrogance usually begets many lonely nights with a pizza!"

 

So I got kind of annoyed.

"What do you want from me? The fact of the matter is that 5'5 145 is too fat. As soon as you told me that, I was out. But, based upon the fact that you wrote back not once, not twice, but thrice, I surmised that you were looking for a clearer message than an unreturned letter. And 'not what I'm looking for' is a polite, yet truthful, way to say 'too fat.' Enjoy your pizza."

 

It got way, way worse from there. I do not recommend telling a woman that the reason you're not interested is because she is too fat. It will not be well received, in case you were wondering.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What does it really matter? If you think it's rude for a person to not respond to your email, and they don't respond to your email, they've identified themselves to you as "rude" and who needs 'em?

 

And if they didn't respond because they aren't interested in you, the end result will be the same.

[Imajerk17]

It's one thing if you and she had been communicating and/or if the two of you had already met up. Then in that case I'd feel that the respect of a straight kind answer either way is called for. I have never not returned communication in that case.

 

If I write a woman an unsolicited first email though, and she isn't interested, I'd rather she just not write me back. What does she owe me in that case? And what is she supposed to say anyway? And if a woman sends me an unsolicited first email and I'm not interested, I typically don't write back, for similar reasons. If I did, I'd either have to tell her that I don't find her physically attractive (the real reason 90% of the time) or that I don't think we have much in common (I'm pretty clear about what I'm looking for in my profile already).

 

A few women have written back me when they weren't interested or "just met someone" and while I appreciated their intention to be nice, I actually wish they hadn't bothered. By the time they had written me back I was forgetting about them, but getting their email brought them front and center into my mind again.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Anela]

I still remember back when I did OLD...granted this was about five years ago...but I remember that for the first day or so I replied to every e-mail (most being rejections, unfortunately). There were numerous guys who had written to me who had a lower than 30% match with me. I still remember one guy insisting that he thought we had a lot in common; I go to his profile and see that he's uber religious (instant no for me), uber conservative (another instant no), and listed his primary interests as going to church functions and UFC fights. We literally had nothing in common. I told him this ("Sorry, our match percentage is low and from looking at your profile it seems we're a little too different."), and he flipped out on me, calling me a princess and a "godless bitch". :/

 

That was the last time I sent out a "rejection" e-mail.

 

Last night, I blocked yet another guy who ignored my age preferences, just said "hiya", and is *married*. He has himself listed as "available" on there, not single.

[Anela]

I put in my profile that it can take a while for me to respond. At one point, I said I would block anyone who ignored certain preferences, or those who hit on me when they were in a relationship. I don't like men who are looking outside of their age group specifically, or those who are looking to cheat on their partners.

 

I don't know why I still respond to most on there; most men don't respond if they aren't interested. I've scrolled through the answers that some have given for things, and they're so different from mine that I wonder why they contacted me in the first place (as kissand_makeup said). Others, though, have grown on me when we've talked a little bit, whereas I'll notice things I don't like so much, in some men that I thought I'd really like.

[dasein]

What does she owe me in that case? And what is she supposed to say anyway?

 

This is another response this topic brings. People don't owe basic courtesy and politeness, it is a thing given as part of being a person of quality.

 

She doesn't say anything other than a copy/paste, "I don't feel we are a match," or one of the generic responses to choose from when she simply clicks the "not interested" button.

 

Rudeness engenders rudeness. I don't doubt at all that much of the male rudeness displayed doing OLD results due to frustration from female rudeness. A new male member joins OLD site for the first time, learns the basic functionality of the site, sees the few simple buttons and what they do and thinks, "well as the guy, I guess I'm supposed to write female members who seem interesting to me and they will read my mail, decide if they find me interesting, and write back yea or nay. When I get a yea, we can talk and then if that goes well, go on a date."

 

Well we all know how that perfectly reasonable expectation ends up playing out. Newbie guy writes a decent profile with decent pictures, writes to some decent looking women in a decent way... and nothing. No response at all. He writes ten more emails. Nothing... no response at all. That hurts, and it hurts because it hurts when people treat each other RUDELY. I remember the feeling, and wasn't writing to fashion models and 10s from the start, but women well within my own range of possibility.

 

Then the guy has a choice, leave OLD, learn to do it well, or take the whole thing as a joke and start sending out cursory, even rude mails.

 

Once more, it's not some hanging offense, but is worse than the average ignoring or nasty brushoff men may get approaching women because the members of the site are there presumably to meet people, where women at large aren't.

 

Imagine walking up to a stranger at a party, male or female, where both have chosen to be there, saying "hello," and getting no response back at all. None, just a blank stare forward. Standing there for a second, then walking up to someone else and saying "hello," and no response. Imagine that ten times. It wouldn't be too much of that before I'd just shout, "Well f-ck all ya'll" and walk out rightfully angry.

 

Now "no reply" rudeness is better in some ways because it's less personal, but worse also, because it usually results from putting much more effort into a custom email than walking up and saying hello.

 

I'm convinced any other possible way of looking at it is rationalizing one's own selfishness and rudeness.

Edited November 11, 2012 by dasein

[ThaWholigan]

This is another response this topic brings. People don't owe basic courtesy and politeness, it is a thing given as part of being a person of quality.

 

She doesn't say anything other than a copy/paste, "I don't feel we are a match," or one of the generic responses to choose from when she simply clicks the "not interested" button.

 

Rudeness engenders rudeness. I don't doubt at all that much of the male rudeness displayed doing OLD results due to frustration from female rudeness. A new male member joins OLD site for the first time, learns the basic functionality of the site, sees the few simple buttons and what they do and thinks, "well as the guy, I guess I'm supposed to write female members who seem interesting to me and they will read my mail, decide if they find me interesting, and write back yea or nay. When I get a yea, we can talk and then if that goes well, go on a date."

 

Well we all know how that perfectly reasonable expectation ends up playing out. Newbie guy writes a decent profile with decent pictures, writes to some decent looking women in a decent way... and nothing. No response at all. He writes ten more emails. Nothing... no response at all. That hurts, and it hurts because it hurts when people treat each other RUDELY. I remember the feeling, and wasn't writing to fashion models and 10s from the start, but women well within my own range of possibility.

 

Then the guy has a choice, leave OLD, learn to do it well, or take the whole thing as a joke and start sending out cursory, even rude mails.

 

Once more, it's not some hanging offense, but is worse than the average ignoring or nasty brushoff men may get approaching women because the members of the site are there presumably to meet people, where women at large aren't.

 

Imagine walking up to a stranger at a party, male or female, where both have chosen to be there, saying "hello," and getting no response back at all. None, just a blank stare forward. Standing there for a second, then walking up to someone else and saying "hello," and no response. Imagine that ten times. It wouldn't be too much of that before I'd just shout, "Well f-ck all ya'll" and walk out rightfully angry.

 

Now "no reply" rudeness is better in some ways because it's less personal, but worse also, because it usually results from putting much more effort into a custom email than walking up and saying hello.

 

I'm convinced any other possible way of looking at it is rationalizing one's own selfishness and rudeness.

I dunno to be honest.

 

Me personally, I prefer to be ignored. If I'm not interested, I would do the same. I always feel a bit bad when I actually entertain them and then it tails off and then nothing from either of us.

[dasein]

I'm talking about response to the initial email. And if you think about it, that some men prefer no response doesn't really have anything to do with whether it's generally rude or not. I prefer people don't hold an elevator for me, but also acknowledge that it is generally rude not to hold an elevator for someone near the door. I've gotten on lots of elevators I didn't intend to get on merely to acknowledge someone's courtesy

 

And you know the more I think about it, there is an "owing" level analysis possible here. If someone takes the time, 10-20 minutes or so to create a custom email and mail it, and a woman's objective on the site is to eventually get the "right emails," (just this particular one isn't one of them) then the men within her parameters writing her thoughtful emails have provided value that she merely needs to spend five seconds with the site functionality to acknowledge. Yet that is somehow perceived as too much of an inconvenience.

 

Privilege.

Edited November 11, 2012 by dasein

[Anela]

I dunno to be honest.

 

Me personally, I prefer to be ignored. If I'm not interested, I would do the same. I always feel a bit bad when I actually entertain them and then it tails off and then nothing from either of us.

 

I understand this, too, but I've liked some of the guys - those who said more than a few words, and didn't go the 'hey sexy" route. I just felt too messed up to meet them. Maybe by this time next year, my head will actually have exploded, so I don't have to worry about any of this anymore.

[dasein]

I don't know why I still respond to most on there; most men don't respond if they aren't interested.

 

Because you know it's what thoughtful people do as a matter of character. That you continue courtesy despite the rudeness of others is a function of your character.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'd feel more rude telling them I'm not interested than not responding back.

 

I wouldn't find it rude if someone didn't respond back to me. It just doesn't seem that nessesary to respond back.

[sydneysider1978]

When I did online dating, I had a bit of a two-tier system going on.

 

I got a lot of messages from guys who clearly hadn't read my profile, which just said something like "hey babe, hot photos, wanna chat?" Erm, no. They didn't get a response. Neither did the guys who were clearly out of the ranges I requested, particularly age, distance and height (sorry, I'm a tall girl).

 

If someone wrote a nice email about shared interests and they just weren't my type, I'd send a thanks but no thanks email.

 

I returned the level of respect and effort that the guy had put into the initial contact.

[Taramere]

It's one thing if you and she had been communicating and/or if the two of you had already met up. Then in that case I'd feel that the respect of a straight kind answer either way is called for. I have never not returned communication in that case.

 

If I write a woman an unsolicited first email though, and she isn't interested, I'd rather she just not write me back. What does she owe me in that case? And what is she supposed to say anyway? And if a woman sends me an unsolicited first email and I'm not interested, I typically don't write back, for similar reasons. If I did, I'd either have to tell her that I don't find her physically attractive (the real reason 90% of the time) or that I don't think we have much in common (I'm pretty clear about what I'm looking for in my profile already).

 

A few women have written back me when they weren't interested or "just met someone" and while I appreciated their intention to be nice, I actually wish they hadn't bothered. By the time they had written me back I was forgetting about them, but getting their email brought them front and center into my mind again.

 

Yeah, I would think the same thing.

 

I've never done online dating, but when I first joined Facebook I made the mistake of joining my local city network and responding to the relationship status thing on my profile. I got quite a few men sending unsolicited messages...and because I've never done the online dating thing, I didn't have a clue what the etiquette was in those situations.

 

I responded with something along the lines of "hi, thanks for the message. I'm new to Facebook and I'm really just using it to stay in touch with friends rather than for dating purposes." A couple were somewhat persistent, but I wouldn't say any of them were unpleasant. Still, I didn't particularly enjoy the process of dealing with them. Coming off the city network solved that problem. As my brother said "what did you think would happen? Identifying yourself as single and being on the (city) network?" I hadn't really thought about it as I was still finding my way around facebook at the time.

 

I don't like not answering people, but by the same token were I in the position of sending out emails to men asking them for dates, I'd probably prefer that they didn't respond at all than that they sent out "thanks but I'm not interested." Not answering is a fair enough indication of disinterest. Least said, soonest mended.

Edited November 12, 2012 by Taramere

[Emilia]

 

and ignoring thoughtful emails from members in one's parameters is rude, no real debate possible.

 

Thoughtful emails are relatively rare, most of the guys on OLDs are as articulate as you would expect your average computer geek to be: not very. They are rarely in 'one's paratemeters', they tend to ignore the actual profile and just go after photos. But then again no real debate is possible if you decide in advance that women are evil bi***s who just want to screw men over

 

The common excuses given for this rudeness are hilarious BS and typical, mostly female rationalizing. "I don't have enough time to respond, men continue to bother me, etc."

 

1. Match, and probably most if not all sites have a "not interested" button... one or two clicks, that send out a not interested email, takes 5 seconds or less. No response is necessary to form emails, jerks, or people outside one's stated parameters, so taking a few seconds to respond to thoughtful emails from members in one's parameters is not a great big deal timewise. Totally hollow excuse.

 

OKCupid doesn't have that and many prefer that site over Match for example. Again, assumptions made to suit your own hatred and bitterness.

 

2. The "stranger danger won't take no" excuse. Absurd and ridiculous. The site is anonymous and has a one click "block" feature. The end of that particular rationalization. People who are so sensitive that a second email from some dude who mailed them asking "why no?" terrifies them are way too fragile to be doing OLD in the first place.

 

No disrespect but you are so blinkered I doubt you will ever understand the creepiness your fellow men are capable of.

[Emilia]

 

I don't like not answering people, but by the same token were I in the position of sending out emails to men asking them for dates, I'd probably prefer that they didn't respond at all than that they sent out "thanks but I'm not interested." Not answering is a fair enough indication of disinterest. Least said, soonest mended.

 

Quite. But then you have healthy boundaries.

[Taramere]

Quite. But then you have healthy boundaries.

 

Except for the time I was splitting up with a boyfriend and sent him 6 angry texts in a row. I kept getting error messages, so I didn't realise that he had received every single one of them. He wouldn't believe me about the error messages. It suited him better to employ the "bitches are crazy" excuse probably. Though under the particular circumstances of the time, that probably wouldn't have been a totally unfair assessment.

 

But yes, on LS I always have sensible and healthy boundaries!

[Emilia]

Except for the time I was splitting up with a boyfriend and sent him 6 angry texts in a row. I kept getting error messages, so I didn't realise that he had received every single one of them. He wouldn't believe me about the error messages. It suited him better to employ the "bitches are crazy" excuse probably. Though under the particular circumstances of the time, that probably wouldn't have been a totally unfair assessment.

 

But yes, on LS I always have sensible and healthy boundaries!

 

I don't think getting angry at someone is a bad thing. You know how being British can sometimes work against you in that sense. There is nothing wrong with letting the discipline slip for a moment. If someone sent me the same 6 angry texts in a row I'd know it was something to do with their phone.

[CptObvious]

I rejected an Indian men telling him that I am not interested and he called me a "racist biatch" and said that he hopes I die alone. I am never again bothering with responding.

 

That guy obviously doesn't understand what racism means.

 

Don't like smelly people? He thinks you're racist

Don't like short people? He thinks you're racist

Don't like ugly people? He thinks you're racist

Don't like fat people? He thinks you're racist

Don't like all of the above? He thinks you're a "racist biatch"

[irc333]

You know what? From the looks of these posts and previous posts about women complaining

 

"All I get are 'hey sexy' or 'wanna chat'" emails

 

When my initial emails had always something substantial or quite more lengthy than that.....I'm just curious if you ladies respond to the more well written emails?

 

In my case, I hardly ever do, even though I put effort into it, it still goes unanswered.

 

When I did online dating, I had a bit of a two-tier system going on.

 

I got a lot of messages from guys who clearly hadn't read my profile, which just said something like "hey babe, hot photos, wanna chat?" Erm, no. They didn't get a response. Neither did the guys who were clearly out of the ranges I requested, particularly age, distance and height (sorry, I'm a tall girl).

 

If someone wrote a nice email about shared interests and they just weren't my type, I'd send a thanks but no thanks email.

 

I returned the level of respect and effort that the guy had put into the initial contact.

[dasein]

Thoughtful emails are relatively rare,

 

Actually bolsters my argument, not any you are trying to make. If that's true, then surely it isn't an inconvenience to use a cut and paste reply or the site's not interested functionality.

 

OKCupid doesn't have that and many prefer that site over Match for example. Again, assumptions made to suit your own hatred and bitterness.

 

If that's true, again, having a cut and paste reply saved in a word processor requires little more time. Tossing around terms like "hatred and bitterness" says more about you than me.

 

No disrespect but you are so blinkered I doubt you will ever understand the creepiness your fellow men are capable of.

 

Calling people who disagree with you hateful, bitter, and blindered, then "no disrespect," :lmao:

 

Privilege.

[Imajerk17]

dasein, I'm kind of surprised by your take on this. You always struck me as someone who was very good at taking things in stride, better than myself. I've written several threads in the past about being frustrated with women's rudeness in dating.

 

Is a cut-and-paste "I don't feel we are a match" response--to an email someone put a lot of thought into writing--really "courtesy" anyway? Especially if you the one who initiated feel that your profiles match up. There are a lot of people who feel that the woman ought to write back something a little more thoughtful. To someone she hasn't even interacted with in ANY other capacity. And do this for every unsolicited "nice" email she gets. Isn't that getting silly?

 

When you are at a party, you are nice to everyone there if only out of respect to whomever invited you by the way.

 

This is another response this topic brings. People don't owe basic courtesy and politeness, it is a thing given as part of being a person of quality.

 

She doesn't say anything other than a copy/paste, "I don't feel we are a match," or one of the generic responses to choose from when she simply clicks the "not interested" button.

 

Rudeness engenders rudeness. I don't doubt at all that much of the male rudeness displayed doing OLD results due to frustration from female rudeness. A new male member joins OLD site for the first time, learns the basic functionality of the site, sees the few simple buttons and what they do and thinks, "well as the guy, I guess I'm supposed to write female members who seem interesting to me and they will read my mail, decide if they find me interesting, and write back yea or nay. When I get a yea, we can talk and then if that goes well, go on a date."

 

Well we all know how that perfectly reasonable expectation ends up playing out. Newbie guy writes a decent profile with decent pictures, writes to some decent looking women in a decent way... and nothing. No response at all. He writes ten more emails. Nothing... no response at all. That hurts, and it hurts because it hurts when people treat each other RUDELY. I remember the feeling, and wasn't writing to fashion models and 10s from the start, but women well within my own range of possibility.

 

Then the guy has a choice, leave OLD, learn to do it well, or take the whole thing as a joke and start sending out cursory, even rude mails.

 

Once more, it's not some hanging offense, but is worse than the average ignoring or nasty brushoff men may get approaching women because the members of the site are there presumably to meet people, where women at large aren't.

 

Imagine walking up to a stranger at a party, male or female, where both have chosen to be there, saying "hello," and getting no response back at all. None, just a blank stare forward. Standing there for a second, then walking up to someone else and saying "hello," and no response. Imagine that ten times. It wouldn't be too much of that before I'd just shout, "Well f-ck all ya'll" and walk out rightfully angry.

 

Now "no reply" rudeness is better in some ways because it's less personal, but worse also, because it usually results from putting much more effort into a custom email than walking up and saying hello.

 

I'm convinced any other possible way of looking at it is rationalizing one's own selfishness and rudeness.

[Anela]

You know what? From the looks of these posts and previous posts about women complaining

 

"All I get are 'hey sexy' or 'wanna chat'" emails

 

When my initial emails had always something substantial or quite more lengthy than that.....I'm just curious if you ladies respond to the more well written emails?

 

In my case, I hardly ever do, even though I put effort into it, it still goes unanswered.

 

I've already stated elsewhere, that I did.

 

I was just thinking about when I last edited my profile: once on my birthday, and then again a couple of months ago. I was feeling happier when I made edits, and my profile seemed okay (nothing that sounded remotely bitter). Most of the "hey sexy" messages were changed for "hi, beautiful." I don't think of myself as beautiful so I was both floored and flattered - but wary. I don't know if they really thought that I was, or if they finally cottoned on to the fact that "hey sexy" wasn't going to work.

[Anela]

I don't like not answering people, but by the same token were I in the position of sending out emails to men asking them for dates, I'd probably prefer that they didn't respond at all than that they sent out "thanks but I'm not interested." Not answering is a fair enough indication of disinterest. Least said, soonest mended.

 

I've only ever told one man that I wasn't interested, though - and he was the older man who had excluded women his own age, from his search.

 

I've always responded, to see what they're like - I've ignored things like "sexy lady," and "hiya" from the married men.

[dasein]

dasein, I'm kind of surprised by your take on this. You always struck me as someone who was very good at taking things in stride, better than myself. I've written several threads in the past about being frustrated with women's rudeness in dating.

 

Taking this in stride as given reality as opposed to becoming rude in one's outgoing emails or giving up on OLD is certainly the way to go. That said, I still think it's rude, and always have. Have always qualified that with "it's not a great big rudeness, but similar to being treated rudely out in public generally."

 

Once I got good at OLD, this was not an issue for me personally. Friends who wanted to try OLD, who were ironically much better with women than me generally just not as good on paper, would come to me for advice, get on the site, send out thoughtful mails, and get 0 response. They would come back to me with "OLD is full of privileged b-tches who aren't the caliber I'd date anyway." I would tell them to keep plugging, and one of them ended up with a 4 year GF.

 

Responses serve a logistical purpose also. If enough women are responding, but negatively to men within their parameters, this tells the man he may need to work on his profile or emails. It tells the men they at least got and read the email as opposed to not knowing.

 

At least two female posters have described the way they do it in the thread, which is the common sense polite way to proceed. I don't think my position on this is controversial or way out there, and if people disagree that's fine. This doesn't change my POV that the typical excuses for not replying to thoughtful emails within one's parameters are rationalizations either though.