irc333 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Funny, I was browsing through the local area and came across this woman's profile, she was average looking at best....but she made an *Update* as she puts in about being more specific about what she's looking for. And she had the typical disclaimer, "If I don't respond in a few days, it probably means I wasn't interested". She further elaborated on this issue that when she USED to respond with a simple, "Sorry, I'm not interested." It usually never is the end of it. She said that the men would then try to convince her or prove to her otherwise that they should give them a shot. And she "visualized" herself having to deal with these back and forth "telemarketer"-like conversation with a guy that's trying to sell themselves to her....and it just winds up being mental gymnastics, and as a result...she simply never responds at all anymore. That being said, do you think it's in poor taste or a turn off as a man to see these statements in a profile? I am noticing a spike in these disclaimers. Giving there's always online dating advice out there, would these be one of the "online dating don'ts"?
mammasita Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I actually dont think its rude to not respond to a message on a dating site, but I do think its retarded that people put disclaimers like that up. It's just so negative, dang!
jw123 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I don't know what the right answer is but when I briefly experimented with online dating I just didn't respond at all if I wasn't interested. I wouldn't ignore someone face to face but my body language would convey my lack of interest. There is no way to convey that in an email except to say "I'm not interested" but I find that to be more rude than ignoring the message. So I ignored initial messages if there was no interest. However, once I became involved in a conversation with someone I wouldn't just start ignoring her messages without taking my leave of the conversation. It just seemed like the curteous thing to do. Personally I did not find disclaimers in the profile to be a turn off as long as the rest of the profile was good. If you have certain non-negotiables it's best to put them on your profile to avoid wasting everyone's time. Furthermore, not everyone involved in online dating is a loser who can't get a date. A lot of people are in online dating because they are busy people who don't have time to get out and meet people. And for women especially, responding to every message can be quite time consuming, so I have no problems with the disclaimers or people who ignore initial messages.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I rejected an Indian men telling him that I am not interested and he called me a "racist biatch" and said that he hopes I die alone. I am never again bothering with responding.
curlygirl40 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I do think it's an 'online dating don't' (as you say) to put disclaimers in your profile like that. If people choose to ignore an e-mail, or ignore a wink or whatever, then just do that. Ignore it. Putting in disclaimers might just turn off someone that you're interested in. I'm not sure if these people think it's going to stop the e-mails, or stop the insults or what. But the negativity is a bad vibe to someone who you might be interested in talking to. That's my take.
KathyM Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I don't think it's a good idea to have that in one's profile. It's kind of snobby IMO, to state that in the profile. But with that said, men have kind of brought this on themselves. They don't take the hint that a person is not interested when she doesn't respond to an Email, and they'll continue to bug her, and if she does respond with a kind turn down, such as "Sorry, I don't think we have enough in common", or some other gentle let down, the guy will many times become even more annoying or verbally abusive. This has happened many times to my sister when she was doing online dating. She used to respond with a gentle turn down, rather than ignoring the Email, and then she got bombarded with nastiness, so she stopped responding altogether.
Author irc333 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 I don't think it's a good idea to have that in one's profile. It's kind of snobby IMO, to state that in the profile. But with that said, men have kind of brought this on themselves. They don't take the hint that a person is not interested when she doesn't respond to an Email, and they'll continue to bug her, and if she does respond with a kind turn down, such as "Sorry, I don't think we have enough in common", or some other gentle let down, the guy will many times become even more annoying or verbally abusive. This has happened many times to my sister when she was doing online dating. She used to respond with a gentle turn down, rather than ignoring the Email, and then she got bombarded with nastiness, so she stopped responding altogether. So I hear, but I hear some women , who don't get the NASTY responses, at the very least will get questions like "So why don't you think we have anything in common? I see we share quite a few of the same hobbies." Basically, they'd try to sell them on the idea of at least meeting them for lunch or drinks.
Eleniorama Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 im sooo sorry for interrupting guys but does ANYONE know how to do a new post? pleease im searching it for 2 hours someone help
Art_Critic Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Of course it is rude.. what is ruder IMO is when a person responds to the rudeness with their own email calling them out and showing that they themselves have many issues, reinforcing to the person who gets that hate email the original reason to not send the email
KathyM Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 So I hear, but I hear some women , who don't get the NASTY responses, at the very least will get questions like "So why don't you think we have anything in common? I see we share quite a few of the same hobbies." Basically, they'd try to sell them on the idea of at least meeting them for lunch or drinks. Women don't want to be put on the spot like that and have to explain why they were not interested, or have to justify why they were not interested. It's not a good idea to press the issue. If she's interested, she will respond to the initial email. By claiming "We are not a match" or "We don't have enough in common", what it really means is a nice way of saying I'm not attracted. I don't know why guys insist on hearing this outright. They need to take the hint of lack of interest when the person doesn't respond to the Email, and not press the issue.
jw123 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I don't think it's a good idea to have that in one's profile. It's kind of snobby IMO, to state that in the profile. Am I the only guy who wants to be with a woman who can afford to be just a little snobby with potential suitors? Lots of disclaimers however would make me think she might be too demanding for my tastes. But far worse to me were the profiles that reeked of desperation and there were many, of those. Next! But with that said, men have kind of brought this on themselves. They don't take the hint that a person is not interested when she doesn't respond to an Email, and they'll continue to bug her, and if she does respond with a kind turn down, such as "Sorry, I don't think we have enough in common", or some other gentle let down, the guy will many times become even more annoying or verbally abusive. This has happened many times to my sister when she was doing online dating. She used to respond with a gentle turn down, rather than ignoring the Email, and then she got bombarded with nastiness, so she stopped responding altogether. Very unfortunate that there are guys like that out there. But trust me, that not every axe murderer or freaked out lunatic is a man. The online dating sites seemed like incubation grounds for psychopathy to me. I will no longer use them. Unless you live in a remote area it's so much easier to find someone you like in person. Why deal with the bull**** if you don't have to?
FitChick Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I rejected an Indian men telling him that I am not interested and he called me a "racist biatch" and said that he hopes I die alone. You should have told him that you only date Indian men but he was too short. 3
xxoo Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Because the male brain is more black and white. It looks for concrete answers it can grab a hold of The female brain lives in a grey area....being taught from a very young age to appease and be nice to everyone.(Including lying to other womens faces and giving fake compliments all while wearing a nice big smile on your face) Astute observation. Why does the guy have to change to to your rules? Why cant the women change and be more direct? Dont women constantly complain guys dont know how to communicate? I think most guys communicate much better than the women that try to weasel their way around situations like this. Why must either change? Why can't women and men learn to understand each other better as they are? The women are saying that "we are not a match" is a soft rejection. Understanding and accepting that should make things easier for men to navigate.
dasein Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Yeah, putting that in a profile is a definite red flag and indicative of a privileged attitude. Bad bet. Avoid. It's not a major type of rudeness, but joining a dating site, ostensibly for the purpose of meeting people, and ignoring thoughtful emails from members in one's parameters is rude, no real debate possible. The common excuses given for this rudeness are hilarious BS and typical, mostly female rationalizing. "I don't have enough time to respond, men continue to bother me, etc." 1. Match, and probably most if not all sites have a "not interested" button... one or two clicks, that send out a not interested email, takes 5 seconds or less. No response is necessary to form emails, jerks, or people outside one's stated parameters, so taking a few seconds to respond to thoughtful emails from members in one's parameters is not a great big deal timewise. Totally hollow excuse. 2. The "stranger danger won't take no" excuse. Absurd and ridiculous. The site is anonymous and has a one click "block" feature. The end of that particular rationalization. People who are so sensitive that a second email from some dude who mailed them asking "why no?" terrifies them are way too fragile to be doing OLD in the first place. 2
KathyM Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Because the male brain is more black and white. It looks for concrete answers it can grab a hold of The female brain lives in a grey area....being taught from a very young age to appease and be nice to everyone.(Including lying to other womens faces and giving fake compliments all while wearing a nice big smile on your face) Why does the guy have to change to to your rules? Why cant the women change and be more direct? Dont women constantly complain guys dont know how to communicate? I think most guys communicate much better than the women that try to weasel their way around situations like this. You say guys want honesty and directness when they are rejected, but would they really want to hear "You are not good looking enough for me", or "You are too overweight", or "You look too old for my taste", or whatever. If a woman said that to them directly, you can be sure she would get a nasty response from the guy. So there is no way to respond with a rejection that is going to be OK with him. If she's honest and tells the real reason why she's not interested, he'll be offended and say something nasty. If she gives him a kind but vague rejection, such as "I'm not interested", a lot of men will demand to know why, and then you'll either have to tell him the difficult to hear response, or you'll have to lie. It's better just to not respond at all.
KathyM Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Yeah, putting that in a profile is a definite red flag and indicative of a privileged attitude. Bad bet. Avoid. It's not a major type of rudeness, but joining a dating site, ostensibly for the purpose of meeting people, and ignoring thoughtful emails from members in one's parameters is rude, no real debate possible. The common excuses given for this rudeness are hilarious BS and typical, mostly female rationalizing. "I don't have enough time to respond, men continue to bother me, etc." 1. Match, and probably most if not all sites have a "not interested" button... one or two clicks, that send out a not interested email, takes 5 seconds or less. No response is necessary to form emails, jerks, or people outside one's stated parameters, so taking a few seconds to respond to thoughtful emails from members in one's parameters is not a great big deal timewise. Totally hollow excuse. 2. The "stranger danger won't take no" excuse. Absurd and ridiculous. The site is anonymous and has a one click "block" feature. The end of that particular rationalization. People who are so sensitive that a second email from some dude who mailed them asking "why no?" terrifies them are way too fragile to be doing OLD in the first place. Responding with "Sorry, not interested", or something similar does not take much time, but the problem comes when guys demand to know why you are not interested, and then become verbally abusive when you try to provide a kind answer. Sure, she could block the guy after he sends a nasty response to her rejection, but why have to listen to the nastiness in the first place? Women have learned that no good can come from responding to guys that you are not interested in. It only leads to interrogations or insults. This was the experience my sister had with online dating, and it appears many women have experienced this as well, which is why they prefer not to respond at all to those they are not interested in. As far as too fragile for OLD, my sister found her perfect match through OLD, and is now happily married to him. 1
Author irc333 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) I got one for ya.....talk about hypocracy Woman in my area too (in probably the most toothless part of town, she looks like she has her teeth, but she has a camo hoodie in your profile pic, lol) Anyhow she said this.....under the "Most private thing she's willing to admit" -(OkCupid profile) "I have good taste in men, so if I see someone on here repeatedly, and they DONT respond, it pisses me off!! And I deactivate my profile, so I don't have to keep LOOKING at what I can't have!!" But THEN , later in the "Email me if...." seciton of Ok Cupid... "I message you first....." So she doesn't want a guy to EMAIL her....unless SHE emails him....FIRST. Edited November 8, 2012 by irc333
gullibleme Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I saw a guys profile on OLD where he was complaining about women not responding to him after the first date or after messaging for a while...he did contact me and I told him his profile was really negative and if he was really interested in finding someone he might consider changing it, anyway he really was ok looking and we talked and set a date...the day of the date he messages me telling me how he was sooo nervous and then the bomb shell....he told me a sob story of his divorce and no insurance blah blah blah ....in the end he told me he had not had his teeth fixed and was on a waiting list because he needed a partial on almost the whole top to left side of his mouth...UGH!!! I told him sorry but that is something I just cannot overlook and that was one of my deal breakers so I didn't see a reason to continue on to the date...I felt bad of course and he returned with a couple nasty massages....I think I know why he never got return dates with the other women...lol.
Author irc333 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Responding with "Sorry, not interested", or something similar does not take much time, but the problem comes when guys demand to know why you are not interested Right...I even admit at one time, I recall a couple of women, that had pretty keen obscure interests in the same thing I'm into. She had a headliner quoting some movie from "Back to the Future", and she said IN her profile....."If you can guess the line of this movie....you'll win points!" OBVIOUSLY, I didn't get any points because even though I correctly guessed the movie quote (from what movie). I didn't get a response. I saw she had "viewed" my profile, I gave her a week...then I sent her a follow-up email. "So, I guess I didn't win points at all, eh?" She didn't respond to that one either. Some of these women even COAX you into emailing them, by stating, "if you can guess the line from this song/movie....you'll have my attention!" Then, they don't respond, ...now THAT's pretty rude. 1
MrCastle Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I totally get the not responding thing. To me it's always better than having to explain your stance. I get it--you weren't feeling me. However, I do avoid the pages that break the fourth wall and bring up the fact that they don't respond. Total turn off. But yeah, the actual act of not responding to the mail is not a problem. Not responding to a text message however, is totally different. I honestly believe you're not a human being if you ignore text messages. Not a human being I'd want to know, anyway.
dasein Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 This was the experience my sister had with online dating, and it appears many women have experienced this as well, which is why they prefer not to respond at all to those they are not interested in. I don't think this happens with as high a frequency as some women complain. It's a rationalization, it's rude, it's anonymous, easy to block. Why ever be courteous generally? After all anyone we know or meet can possibly say something unkind to us in response to courtesy. Just an excuse for basic rudeness that holds no water.
grkBoy Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 That being said, do you think it's in poor taste or a turn off as a man to see these statements in a profile? I am noticing a spike in these disclaimers. I can't blame women or even some men if they put things like this. Let's be brutally honest, there are a lot of overgrown children on OLD. Too many guys seemingly think "no means maybe" and thus they figure a little ambition and push will turn that "not interested" into a first date. Thus women have to deal with the "no" that turns into a back-and-forth that she wishes would stop. The "no answer" thing IMO is the result of these guys who can't take the hard truth. I think some are lazy and such, or too scared to honestly and politely reject, but I think many more simply had one or two bad apples hand them drama and thus they find no answer works best. I still think OLD needs a better rejection system. I'd love to see a system where a man or woman can reject someone and then literally cut that person off from them. Going back on topic, I think the statement on a profile is bad, but I can't blame someone for doing it. The childish behavior of many pushes these things to happen. This is why I won't "fight for someone" like this. She doesn't reply or replies with a rejection...I'm done. One can say I give up too easily, but I won't waste my time. Maybe the girl who rejected me will meet a hot rich guy and marry him, or end up staying on the OLD site for years and constantly adding in comments on how she's sick of losers and liars. It's not my ordeal, and I think guys should follow this lead.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I still remember back when I did OLD...granted this was about five years ago...but I remember that for the first day or so I replied to every e-mail (most being rejections, unfortunately). There were numerous guys who had written to me who had a lower than 30% match with me. I still remember one guy insisting that he thought we had a lot in common; I go to his profile and see that he's uber religious (instant no for me), uber conservative (another instant no), and listed his primary interests as going to church functions and UFC fights. We literally had nothing in common. I told him this ("Sorry, our match percentage is low and from looking at your profile it seems we're a little too different."), and he flipped out on me, calling me a princess and a "godless bitch". :/ That was the last time I sent out a "rejection" e-mail. 1
KathyM Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I still remember back when I did OLD...granted this was about five years ago...but I remember that for the first day or so I replied to every e-mail (most being rejections, unfortunately). There were numerous guys who had written to me who had a lower than 30% match with me. I still remember one guy insisting that he thought we had a lot in common; I go to his profile and see that he's uber religious (instant no for me), uber conservative (another instant no), and listed his primary interests as going to church functions and UFC fights. We literally had nothing in common. I told him this ("Sorry, our match percentage is low and from looking at your profile it seems we're a little too different."), and he flipped out on me, calling me a princess and a "godless bitch". :/ That was the last time I sent out a "rejection" e-mail. I think a lot of guys that do OLD put up a fake profile and fake persona that pretends to be religious because they think that will earn them brownie points with the women on there, and women will think they are serious and relationship material. But it is all just a pretense to impress and manipulate a woman into dating them. My sister ran across many of these types of men through OLD who claim to be something they are not. Considering the reaction this guy gave you to your rejection, I'd say he was probably one of those fakers.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I think a lot of guys that do OLD put up a fake profile and fake persona that pretends to be religious because they think that will earn them brownie points with the women on there, and women will think they are serious and relationship material. But it is all just a pretense to impress and manipulate a woman into dating them. My sister ran across many of these types of men through OLD who claim to be something they are not. Considering the reaction this guy gave you to your rejection, I'd say he was probably one of those fakers. Definitely possible!
Recommended Posts