Feel So Guilty!

[Nyla]

I have an inappropriate crush on someone far too young for me.

 

What makes this strange is that I am happily married. I have NO INTEREST in pursuing any kind of romantic connection with this person; I don't believe in cheating and even if I was single, I would never feel comfortable trying to date some 20 year old kid when I am 30.

 

I feel very guilty and ashamed. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I try to stay away from this guy but I do run into him from time to time. We laugh and talk about inane topics. He is a talented guitar player and singer. I know him because he is a friend of my friend's son and sometimes I see this kid when I visit my buddy.

 

Is it normal to have these feelings when I am in a happy and passionate marriage? How can I make them go away? I don't want to be the creepy cougar crushing on some gorgeous boy. My therapist says that I am married and not dead, but I cannot shake the guilt. I had a sexual dream about this young man and I cried when I woke up. This feels very wrong..like I am cheating on my husband if that makes sense. I could never tell my hubby about this as he would be livid...he's a little bit jealous and possessive which I suspect is insecurity due to our age difference.

 

Help me.

[Nyla]

Wow, not one response huh? I guess my problem isn't important enough.

 

I wish I could delete this thread. Don't worry. I will handle it myself.

[JamesM]

I was going to comment, but I am not a woman. Hopefully you don't mind if I add a remark.

 

As a guy, I get crushes on other women off and on. Despite my marriage problems that you are aware of, it too bothers me and makes me feel as if I may cheat on my wife.

 

What I have found is that the more I dwell on the feelings and worry about them, the more I have them and want them.

 

When I accept them as a natural happening because "I am married and not dead," then they become less on my mind and less of a problem. In time, the person no longer is attractive to me even if I interact with them.

 

While I certainly cannot speak for you or for women and I don't know if others have the same reaction as I, your therapist and I would agree.

 

Just my opinion which may help get others to respond.

[BetheButterfly]

I have an inappropriate crush on someone far too young for me.

 

What makes this strange is that I am happily married. I have NO INTEREST in pursuing any kind of romantic connection with this person; I don't believe in cheating and even if I was single, I would never feel comfortable trying to date some 20 year old kid when I am 30.

 

I feel very guilty and ashamed. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I try to stay away from this guy but I do run into him from time to time. We laugh and talk about inane topics. He is a talented guitar player and singer. I know him because he is a friend of my friend's son and sometimes I see this kid when I visit my buddy.

 

Is it normal to have these feelings when I am in a happy and passionate marriage? How can I make them go away? I don't want to be the creepy cougar crushing on some gorgeous boy. My therapist says that I am married and not dead, but I cannot shake the guilt. I had a sexual dream about this young man and I cried when I woke up. This feels very wrong..like I am cheating on my husband if that makes sense. I could never tell my hubby about this as he would be livid...he's a little bit jealous and possessive which I suspect is insecurity due to our age difference.

 

Help me.

 

First of all, train your mind. Just like you can train your muscles, so you can train your mind. Focus on your husband. Focus on the beauty of your relationship with him.

 

The grass is not greener on the other side and eventually, your "crush" will go away. Starve your crush Simply turn your brain to something else to think about. Learn something new too. That is fun and interesting! Get passionate about a hobby. I think before you know it, you'll get over your crush and feel like the victor you are!!!

 

Temptation is a test. Make an A: don't give in to that temptation. Instead, focus on your goal and your relationship with your husband that needs care to grow!!! Don't let the weeds of temptation kill your marriage.

[Nyla]

Awww, Jamesie....my post was not just directed at women. Anyone who could offer an opinion or advice was welcome.

 

I don't want to cheat on my husband. I grew up seeing too much of that **** and I don't want it in my marriage.

[Nyla]

First of all, train your mind. Just like you can train your muscles, so you can train your mind. Focus on your husband. Focus on the beauty of your relationship with him.

 

The grass is not greener on the other side and eventually, your "crush" will go away. Starve your crush Simply turn your brain to something else to think about. Learn something new too. That is fun and interesting! Get passionate about a hobby. I think before you know it, you'll get over your crush and feel like the victor you are!!!

 

Temptation is a test. Make an A: don't give in to that temptation. Instead, focus on your goal and your relationship with your husband that needs care to grow!!! Don't let the weeds of temptation kill your marriage.

 

I am constantly learning new things as I am a student. Good suggestion though!

 

As for the grass not being greener, I have no intention of pursuing these ridiculous and immature feelings. I thought I made that clear in my post but perhaps not.

 

I am passing the test in that I am trying to avoid this person. It is just the thoughts and then that dream that scared me.

[BetheButterfly]

I was going to comment, but I am not a woman. Hopefully you don't mind if I add a remark.

 

As a guy, I get crushes on other women off and on. Despite my marriage problems that you are aware of, it too bothers me and makes me feel as if I may cheat on my wife.

 

What I have found is that the more I dwell on the feelings and worry about them, the more I have them and want them.

 

When I accept them as a natural happening because "I am married and not dead," then they become less on my mind and less of a problem. In time, the person no longer is attractive to me even if I interact with them.

 

While I certainly cannot speak for you or for women and I don't know if others have the same reaction as I, your therapist and I would agree.

 

Just my opinion which may help get others to respond.

 

People are people and are very interesting and cool... many of them. There are other guys I very much admire and respect. If I were single, I might want to be in a relationship with one man in particular. However, I'm not single. I firmly believe that God brought my husband and me together and that we are one flesh. Temptations can come and do come, but I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

Yeah once we get married we're not dead lol. However, we have this little life that isn't a human being; I see marriage as a "life" created by two humans (or in cases of polygamous/polyandrous - more than 2 humans). So, in order to protect that little life - like a plant life or a little light - we need to make sure to not let anything choke it or blow it out, especially if we care for it.

[BetheButterfly]

I am constantly learning new things as I am a student. Good suggestion though!

 

As for the grass not being greener, I have no intention of pursuing these ridiculous and immature feelings. I thought I made that clear in my post but perhaps not.

 

I am passing the test in that I am trying to avoid this person. It is just the thoughts and then that dream that scared me.

 

I understand. Yeah, I guess my only advice then is just simply don't go there, though understand you're normal. People don't become superhumans who can resist whatever temptation when they get married. It'd be nice if they could though! Wouldn't it be cool if once you had a ring on your finger and his ring on his finger, love would be forever and without any kryptonite?

 

We got to do our part to protect our marriage cause without protection, marriages die all the time. Cheating is one of the main ways marriages die.

 

That's great that you're a student!

[2sure]

I am currently single, but the events preceding my divorce made me hyper aware of boundaries and inappropriate contact .

 

So, about a year ago I meet this couple - we have common interests and mutual friends. I enjoy her company and we get along very well, as in ...nice to invite each other to larger events but not hang out just us.

 

I very quickly became aware that I find her husband inexplicably hot, funnier than hell, and charming as all get out. I realize it is likely he is none of the above. Im not sure if the feeling is mutual, although I know I feel sexually attracted to him, which for me usually indicates it is.

 

But it doesnt matter. I purposely do not seek him out for solo conversation, I purposefully have not pursued a more in depth friendship with his wife and...when we are in the same place...I make sure he doesnt see me checking him out. Even if there is some mutual attraction it also doesnt matter because Im pretty sure he is above that, Id be disappointed if he was not.

 

I dont feel guilty in the least and wouldnt even if I had a spouse I was madly in love with.

[2sure]

I came across these articles that give some great advice about how to avoid things like this. There is also a book called Hedges: Loving your marriage Enough to Protect It by Jerry Jenkins that goes into more detail.

 

If you feel it might be helpful to talk with a counselor about this, Focus has counselors available to talk with you over the phone (at no cost to you). You can reach them by calling Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MT) at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

 

QUOTE]

 

Every response you post contains this solicitation

[Nyla]

I understand. Yeah, I guess my only advice then is just simply don't go there, though understand you're normal. People don't become superhumans who can resist whatever temptation when they get married. It'd be nice if they could though! Wouldn't it be cool if once you had a ring on your finger and his ring on his finger, love would be forever and without any kryptonite?

 

We got to do our part to protect our marriage cause without protection, marriages die all the time. Cheating is one of the main ways marriages die.

 

That's great that you're a student!

 

Very true. I am disgusted by cheating. I have walked away from so many men who don't respect my marriage.

 

When men continue to hit on me after I say that I am married, I want to spit on them. When I start talking about my 6'2 230 pound husband, the fools run away. Oooh, my hubby's a big one!

 

I happen to run into this young man by chance. I would never ever seek him out as that is inappropriate.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Nyla

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree with your counselor. It's always surprising and alarming to me how so many women trip out when they find they are attracted to other people. I think men deal with this on a daily basis, it's just part of life. I'm attracted to lots of women, doesn't mean I act on it. Getting married means you commit to that person and use proper boundaries. I don't think you can make the feelings go away, it's how you handle them that matters. Seeing the danger in is the most important thing. You are human, don't put yourself in dangerous positions. Don't confide in this person or have conversations that could lead to deeper emotional connection. Don't be alone with him. Maintain boundaries, just like you would expect your husband to do if he worked with an attractive women.

I think it's ok to tell your husband, probably is actually for the best. That shows that you are honest. The honesty is the most important thing here really. If you are secure and honest enough to tell your husband then you are less likely to cheat.

 

I'll be honest too My marriage failed because of infidelity (hers) but before that, we were both honest about when we were attracted to other people. I think it's why we trusted each other so much when it came to that kind of thing. Of course...the guy she cheated with...she never hinted she felt anything for him, except that they talked a lot. That's where it all broke down. She wasn't honest.

 

So basically:

1) You're human, normal, can't change it.

2) use boundaries

3) be honest

 

[Eve]

As long as these things are not fed, they go away.

 

In real life, I have come to the conclusion that attention as such maybe that the other person has seen something that they will find in their true partner one day.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[SWEETIE33]

Dont feel guilty! We are all human and sometimes we need to feel wanted. There is only a 10 year age difference! Why ae you being so hard on yourself?

[woinlove]

When I accept them as a natural happening because "I am married and not dead," then they become less on my mind and less of a problem. In time, the person no longer is attractive to me even if I interact with them.

 

I think this attitude is great. Couple the acceptance of fleeting attractions with the focus on what is not fleeting - your love and commitment to your spouse, and I think that combination is the key. In my M, we discuss these fleeting attractions and I think that helps. But, even if they are not discussed, I think accepting them for what they are, an attraction which will pass, and focus on what is of more lasting importance will help.

[Nyla]

I have always been hard on myself. Working on that in therapy too.

 

I could never tell my husband about this. He would be so mad.

[Eve]

Nyla, why can't you tell your Husband? Is it a cultural thing?

 

I can tell my Husband anything and everything. If some hot man has been complimenting me, of course I am going to telll him - but telling is one of our ground rules. Same for him.

 

Now, if there is a second compliment, or potential for any dodgy stuff it is down to that spouse to tell how they are feeling. For example, I remember when my Hubby started to allow himself to go grey and I suddenly found that I didn't fancy him anymore. All of a sudden it was like the universe offered a number of other options to me. I told him that I was starting to feel quite attracted to other men, like unusually attracted.. so he responded by being more attentive and partly dyed his hair, even though he did not want to. LOL, he even came along to some of my world cinema events, which he hates.

 

This helped us to refocus somewhat. Situation sorted. He has quite a bit of grey now but it actually really suits him. I would not have had an affair but I could have decided to be single again. Thinking back it would be really silly to throw away a good marriage over something like that and I suppose this is what the OP can see in her situation.

 

Guilt is a useless emotion. I think it is a sign that one needs to be more innovative and sort **** out... but no, attractions still can continue after marriage. I say it is down to the individual taking responsiblity and being aware if they are in a weakened state.

 

All and all, I reckon if you deny weaknesses they get stronger.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[JamesM]

I can see why you wouldn't want to tell him, and I don't know that it is wise. This is not about a guy giving you compliments but about how you feel all excited and giddy when you see a guy...yet you know in your heart that you wouldn't follow through with the thought. And you know that it is just a passing fancy that will lead nowhere.

 

Your husband may see it as a concern and want to wallop the young man and never let you near him. I know that I would be a wee bit jealous.

 

It probably is simply a harmless crush. You are not cheating, and such thoughts are normal. Obsession about the thoughts is what makes them last.

 

As has been said, feed the thought and it grows. Starve it and it dies. You cannot tell yourself to forget about it, but when the thoughts enter your mind and you feel excited, you can tell yourself that it is normal and not something that you would consider. And perhaps rationalizing what such an action would lead to and what you would lose may help you.

 

Imagine if you did follow through with this young man. Imagine the pleasure...perhaps more than once. BUT...then imagine what pain this would bring. Imagine losing your husband. Imagine the heartbreak. And all of this because of some feelings!

 

This is some of the self-talk I have used and in time it works.

[Nyla]

My husband is the jealous type, so telling him that I find another man attractive is a no-no. We will tell each other if we are being checked out by someone else and laugh about it, but that is all.

 

The thought of following through with this attraction does not even enter my mind. I believe in my vows, so cheating has a huge yuck factor. I played the field and got that out of my system before marriage.

 

A moment of pleasure and passion is not worth the emotional fallout from cheating.

[happyme]

I agree with your counselor. It's always surprising and alarming to me how so many women trip out when they find they are attracted to other people. I think men deal with this on a daily basis' date=' it's just part of life. I'm attracted to lots of women, doesn't mean I act on it. Getting married means you commit to that person and use proper boundaries. [i']I don't think you can make the feelings go away, it's how you handle them that matters.[/i] Seeing the danger in is the most important thing. You are human, don't put yourself in dangerous positions. Don't confide in this person or have conversations that could lead to deeper emotional connection. Don't be alone with him. Maintain boundaries, just like you would expect your husband to do if he worked with an attractive women.

I think it's ok to tell your husband, probably is actually for the best. That shows that you are honest. The honesty is the most important thing here really. If you are secure and honest enough to tell your husband then you are less likely to cheat.

 

I'll be honest too My marriage failed because of infidelity (hers) but before that, we were both honest about when we were attracted to other people. I think it's why we trusted each other so much when it came to that kind of thing. Of course...the guy she cheated with...she never hinted she felt anything for him, except that they talked a lot. That's where it all broke down. She wasn't honest.

 

So basically:

1) You're human, normal, can't change it.

2) use boundaries

3) be honest

 

 

OK I guess I must be 'different' lol, but really I don't get this. I am human too... but I cannot imagine feeling attracted to another man. I have not been so since I have known my husband. However, IF I did feel (sexual, physical or in any way romantic attraction towards another person then that would be a red flag, for me. I know my feelings for my husband... to be 'attracted' to another man is infidelity, to me. In my humble view love is not only 'action' (how cold) it's also feeling. If I have 'those' feelings for somebody else then that's an indication, to me, that all is not well between us and that would require some serious introspection. I wouldn't want to pretend, deny or lie about my feelings. If I can't be with my SO 100% then really, what is the point? Practical, material, circumstantial or moral considerations have nothing to do with it and undermine the truth of genuine emotion, feelings and love, imo. If I am 'in love' as well as 'love' my SO then no way can I feel attracted to another. Plain and simple.

[Nyla]

I appreciate the way you did not condemn me for my feelings, you only discussed how you view attraction for another man. How diplomatic!

 

I view infidelity as actions rather than thoughts.

[KathyM]

I think you need to distance yourself from this guy. Don't get into conversations with him if you run into him. If you find yourself daydreaming about him, turn your mind to something else. You can control your thoughts to some extent by consciously diverting your attention away from something negative and towards something positive. Practice doing that--every time a thought of that guy comes into your mind, replace it with a thought of your husband, and some fond memory of him. You can actively turn off your attention on the other guy, both in actions and in thoughts, and start working on building more and investing more feelings and experiences into your marriage.

[Nyla]

My therapist asked me several questions about my attraction which I answered honestly and concluded that it is just a simple crush which can happen to anyone. It would be stupid to pay a therapist and then lie about emotions; what a waste of time and money that would be! She also said that I cannot control what I dream about at night and it is not like I fantasize about this man all day. If I wanted to deceive myself, there is no way I would mention this issue on a public forum or seek the advice of a professional.

 

As for being sexually unsatisfied, I wonder if you are taking shots at my husband. I realize that the expectation of sex every night is somewhat unrealistic and unfair. Four times a week is wonderful and much more often than most married couples are intimate. I appreciate my husband's extra years on this earth when it comes to sex; he knows his way around a woman's body and there are certain acts that I have only felt comfortable enough to do with him. Surprisingly, he has more stamina than younger men that I have slept with. Must be the marathon running.

 

Doug, you are the only member thus far who has said that I am an unsatisfied liar. Since my therapist and most other members have told me that there is nothing to be ashamed of, I am going to believe the professional and the majority. I hope that makes sense to you.

[Nyla]

WHoa! Where did you get this? If I could quote her other thread. then this is what I get.....

 

 

 

I read of no dissatisfaction. I read of a couple who have only slightly different levels of libido.

 

I read of a couple who has it together sexually. I don't see this as the root of the "problem" of this sexually fantasy.

 

Thank you, Jamesie. You saw the inaccuracies in Doug's statement as well.

[Nyla]

In the marriage section of this website, talking about the importance of sex in a marriage is not TMI.

 

If you feel that you cannot handle threads about marital sex, it would make sense to refrain from reading that part of the forum. After all, only moderators can sensor what other people say.

 

When someone is dishonest as you said I am with myself, she is a liar. Isn't that what a dishonest person is?

 

This thread was never about my husband. It was about me . Please stop taking my thread off topic.

 

I am happy with my sex life. If you choose to believe erroneous things as though you are a part of my marriage or daily life, that is your choice. I know what happens in my marriage and nothing can change that. I haven't done anything to you, so I would appreciate it if you could stop sniping at me and insulting my husband's sexual ability. Thanks.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Nyla