mehmehmeh Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 My ex and I met the summer before college, we clicked and things went fast from there. Which was weird I guess, cause we barely knew each other all four years of high school. So then college started and even though we were "long distance" we were close enough to see each other a lot. It was both our first serious relationship, my first ever. We were happy. But then we realized we were more different than we had actually thought. We butted heads a lot and fights were never resolved. Old issues were brought up and the tension just built. One of the main things was that I had trouble expressing, and all that lovely dovey stuff made me uncomfortable. He felt like he was being taken for granted, which was justified i think. I'll admit he gave more than I did in terms of affection. Obviously, I had my ways but for some reason there was just such a mental roadblock for me when it came to doing and saying simple things. I wasn't used to it, I was uncomfortable, and more often then not I just let it past. And hence, he felt unloved, he felt it was unfair. I guess I see now, having become more comfortable with it. But the expression soon escalated to a multitude of problems he saw with me. It expanded to a list of things about my personality he felt needed to be fixed. He wasn't wrong, necessarily, but I felt attacked and so I became defensive. He was telling me all these things he didn't like about me, that were wrong about me, and that should be changed. It wasn't with bad intentions I think, in his own way he wanted me to be a better person. But all I felt was the anger, and all he felt was the frustration. Why do you like me if there is so much you see wrong with me? Why do you pick all these fights? Why can't you just let things pass, it's not like I intentionally do things to harm you. Why don't you like me for me? Yes, point out all my flaws, it doesn't hurt one bit. And what right do you have to say these things about me when you do the very same? Anger. Hurt. Uncertainty. Anxiety. That was the bulk of what I felt at the time. And it might have been a bit naive but in the back of my head a voice just kept screaming what's so wrong with me that you can't love me for me? I felt attacked and even though the expressing got easier our problems didn't. We fought a lot. Like me not being attentative, decisive, and such. To me those just seems like little things but to him, they were part of a much bigger problem. His patience was running thin. And I was just about at the end of my wits. All I could see was a future of unresolved issues, a mountain slowly building and building. Communication, compromise, and resolution. To say we sucked at all that would be an understatement. Nothing. And I mean nothing, was fixed. And so I got weary and as time dragged on I decided it was time to end it. And so I did. Note, we broke up in person. I tried to do NC cause I just thought that was the norm, but he felt like I just left him in the wind. He felt betrayed. He wanted to hang on and I did the worst thing I could possibly do at that moment, for the both of us. I let him back in. And now, yes, two years later, the tables have turned and I am the one that can't let go. I have gotten attached again, even more so then before if I am being honest. And him, well, he's told me specifically that his feelings (although they are still there) cannot compare to the past. We are left chasing ghosts. Finally. Finally. He has decided on NC and has been firm enough to enforce it on me. But here's the part that sucks the most. Yes, things are different, and feelings have faded, but that's not the main reason we think it's best to part. We both have come to realize that if we choose to go down this path again, we will still in the end resolve nothing. We have both expressed that if communication were not a problem, we would work and we would try again (or maybe that's just an excuse, who knows). He cares, as do I, and that's the hardest part. We were exclusive during those iffy two years and we've done so much together (that we probably shouldn't have) that it's hard to just let it go. It was fun, oh, it was. It was almost like I never broke up with him, almost. Maybe just the fact that he doesn't love me as he once did should be a red flag but unfortunately that's not enough. Because I'm still special, I'm still number one, as is he. And while with time that can change, and I will disappear from his life, the opposite could be true. If maybe, we looked past the communication thing we could be happy, our feelings could grow instead of die. Essentially, I've been watching love die cause we were too damaged to give it a chance. But right now, despite everything, he's ready. It's unhealthy and we can't keep doing this. But it would be so much easier if I could hate him. Instead this idiot sits there listing off his "lessons of life" for me, telling me to do good, to do better, and to make the most out of myself. Good luck, he says. I'll miss you, he says. And he lets me just cry and cry in his arms while he's choking back his own tears. And I would give anything for us to be able to work out our problems but it's done, it's over. He needs to move on, and I need to let him. Tell me, how do I forget someone I can't who cares about me so much?
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