sarah_valentine Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 So my story... just hoping for insight/help/something. I broke up with him about two months ago, haven't talked in over a month. I have got through the initial emotions, the extreme anger/hurt/crying... all the really intense stuff, and I'm not even angry anymore. At the end of it all I'm just left feeling so hurt by it and I don't know really how to go about not feeling like this. I really though he would have contacted me recently, but he didn't. And now I'm still stuck checking my phone every morning, even though I know he won't contact me... I just think if he wanted to he would have already, and it was messy and everything. I haven't had much luck with guys, and I opened up to him and let him in. We both held back a bit throughout the relationship, and when I decided not to it's like he couldn't handle a genuine relationship. He was never bad to me, but I often felt bad about myself because of him holding back... I just wanted to be loved, and it sucks when you're with someone who won't really go there. At the end, I got a bit needy (nothing excessive really, but more-so than before because I had started to care a lot more). I let out my feelings, and was really open and honest and he pulled back and eventually I couldn't do it anymore. He started to get a bit mean and angry with me, and right at the end he basically blamed me and was nasty. I know that I contributed (I honestly did), but his blame was unwarranted and I only ever tried to be good to him and accommodating. Throughout our relationship, I felt like there was a lot of stuff that was just not fair. I had some baggage, but I tried to control it and overcome it and it wasn't anything that necessarily affected him. But his baggage (like his ex) was still in the picture, and I'm pretty sure she actively went out of her way to keep him hanging on. He was dealing with personal stuff, I do understand that (eg. effect of the previous break up) and he dated me too soon. There were other things too, like previous partners that I had to deal with and wasn't comfortable about, whereas none of that was applicable to me. But I pushed through all the confronting things because I thought he was worth it and I wanted to be with him, even though all this stuff made me feel pretty horrible. Combine it with him holding back, and it was like I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. And at the end of it all, it feels like I put up with all this stuff and tried so hard, only for him to turn around and push me away. I can maybe understand from an objective perspective that he was dealing with stuff, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I just feel like I keep getting screwed over, I can see with him that I maybe should have had stricter boundaries... although I do want to stress again that while we were going out he treated me well. It was just not enough. And at the end of it, the fact that he hasn't even really tried to contact me, that I can pretty much guarantee he's sleeping around, that sure maybe it bothered him a bit but he'll just push it down and ignore it instead of feeling it, he'll just busy himself and be fine. And if he's sleeping around that's the end of it for us anyway, and then I consider what if I could forgive - but it would just be another unfair thing I would have to deal with, and I haven't done any of this to him. I get that everyone has their own journeys, but why did I have to get caught up in his, and why did I have to get screwed over by it. I feel like I am never going to be the person that just gets lucky and can be happy, because the last few years in particular have felt a lot like me just pushing through things and swallowing it all down and I'm so sick of getting hurt.
kandygurl22 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I know you posted on something I wrote today, and it does sound like we are going through something very similar. The advice you gave me was really good though, I know it sucks too that we can't always take our own advice, but the fact that you know what to tell me I should be doing means that you are rational in your thinking, so you know what's best for you to do too. It sounds like there were a few things during the course of your relationship where you say it "wasn't fair" and there were issues there but you "thought he was worth it and i wanted to be with him". That sounds similar to the situation I was in, like there were so many little issues, he was usually good to me, but I ignored the issues because I loved him so much and I guess I just WANTED to want him to be this perfect person that I had idealized him out to be - it was more me trying to hold onto something that I thought we COULD be rather than the reality of what we were - just because I was so in love with him. But always remember that true love isn't supposed to hurt that much. If you know deep down something doesn't feel quite right, it probably isn't. You shouldn't have to "put up" with someone or the things they do. This is the exact reason why I walked out on my ex too. I can do better than a guy I have to put up with. Don't blame yourself for him treating you mean and blaming you and getting angry. Someone who truly loves you would not do that to you. Now I know you have to be strong (so do I) and walk away from all of this - just like you said, if he's not willing to put in that effort then why waste emotions hurting over someone. I don't want to give you false hope, but I know he probably does miss you even if you don't think he does. Guys just act differently than we do I guess, it also takes a bit longer for them to miss you. A lot of my guy friends told me that even when they broke up with a girl and still loved her so much, still cried over her all the time, it still took them months to contact her again. One guy took about 4 months before he even sent a text. She never would have known he was miserable the entire time. I get how you feel about always getting the short end of the stick in relationships. I always end up with douchebag guy after douchebag guy, even though I have a lot to give and am a nice girl. But it doesn't mean we have to settle for a guy that's not exactly what we want just cause he's there. I think who we attract says more about who we are ourselves, and this time I am going to start working on myself, mentally and physically to make myself feel better about me before I even let another guy in. This way if I ever end up in this situation again and he doesn't make the effort for me I will stop caring if he cares, because I won't care!! Sorry about the long post. We just gotta keep our heads up, we will only get stronger from bullsh*t like this. xx 1
flitzanu Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 i'm a little confused as to why you sound like you got dumped, when you were the one that dumped him.
LostOne1 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I know the feeling.. of why me.. why now.. what if I did that what if.... But after almost 3 months.. I've gotten to a point where the real pain is gone. I feel im closer to the acceptance stage. Where I realize.. I messed up so much in the last year of the relationship that it lead her to walk out which lead us to fight... which lead us to a fight we can't undo ever.... If there is one thing I say... it is LEARN and GET something out of this experience. I swear I learned so much... I wish I could go back and change things. Because I really made lots of mistakes earlier on and my ex took it as me growing. But a person can only take so much before they pop and move away or find someone else. In my case my ex has really bad anger problems. So she says lots of rude, mean and hurtful things without realizing what she is saying in her anger mode. That is what really killed out relationship when it came down to working it out. You can't work or reason with an angry person. And she stays angry for a long time... So from the pain and all just LEARN from this experience. Think of it as taking a class and failing or getting a job and you get fired etc... You learn from what you did wrong, you see what you did right... and you have to move on with it. It sucks.. 3 yrs of my life and time gone. But I guess it means I got 3 yrs worth of experience and mistakes that I can now invest in someone for maybe another 3yrs or more hopefully. So just look at it as a LEARNING experience but a tough one. Life is tough, my dad always told me that as a kid to enjoy life while your young. When you get older its sooo tough. haha I miss the days when kids were told you get koodies if a girl kisses you so you run from girls.... haha at least you don't get a broken heart. 1
Author sarah_valentine Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 i'm a little confused as to why you sound like you got dumped, when you were the one that dumped him. He basically forced me into it. He just pushed and pushed, blamed me, wouldn't talk about anything, got nasty. I tried to give him space, to talk about it with him (he wouldn't), to be extra nice... and eventually I had my breaking point and wasn't going to put up with that anymore. It just seemed so clear to me that he didn't want to be talking to me and stuff that I felt like a fool to keep trying. When I broke it off I also said this, so he knows that it wasn't anything about him, and he even acknowledged that he was doing it. I think maybe I didn't let it go on long enough to really get it in my head that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm still confused about it, I think/know he was going through stuff at the time. I don't know.
Author sarah_valentine Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Thanks kandygurl... I wish I could just listen to myself! Or myself talking to me. It's just never as easy when its yourself and there's so much to think about. You said a few things that stood out... That sounds similar to the situation I was in, like there were so many little issues, he was usually good to me, but I ignored the issues because I loved him so much and I guess I just WANTED to want him to be this perfect person that I had idealized him out to be - it was more me trying to hold onto something that I thought we COULD be rather than the reality of what we were - just because I was so in love with him. I think that's true... I was basically in the relationship for its potential. I saw what it could be, and that long term we were probably good to go, and if he just would PROPERLY commit and open up and love me then things would be great. I think initially I idealised him too, but I stopped and it was still ok. I know that the break up was the right choice, but it's difficult when you think the future could have been good, and also because we didn't really go out long enough for me to really understand him or know if he's really what I'd want. There's all these fors and againsts. But always remember that true love isn't supposed to hurt that much. If you know deep down something doesn't feel quite right, it probably isn't. You shouldn't have to "put up" with someone or the things they do. This is the exact reason why I walked out on my ex too. I can do better than a guy I have to put up with. But then I read that and I know that it's right... I shouldn't have to put up with stuff. But then I talk to other people and there's always SOME problems in a relationship, and I guess I just don't have the experience to know. I don't know, it's just really confusing. I know for sure I made the right decision for me at the time. I couldn't have kept going in that relationship as it was and he wasn't responsive to changing things. I guess my last relationship was so clear to me that he was a TOTAL douche that it was easy to walk away, but this time he wasn't like that, and so I'm left sort of being like well... I guess that's it? I don't want to give you false hope, but I know he probably does miss you even if you don't think he does. Guys just act differently than we do I guess, it also takes a bit longer for them to miss you. A lot of my guy friends told me that even when they broke up with a girl and still loved her so much, still cried over her all the time, it still took them months to contact her again. One guy took about 4 months before he even sent a text. She never would have known he was miserable the entire time. I don't think that's false hope... I think people here at LS stay too strongly away from this when it is a reality. It's difficult because I can't really read him. I feel like I don't know him enough to know how he's reacted to it (because he never truly let me in), he hid any emotions he felt. He'd get annoyed if I was questioning his commitment to the relationship, like it should be obvious because he's there (I think he got frustrated with himself too). So then it leads you to think, hey... maybe he did care. Actually if I'm honest I think I do understand the dynamics, I think he liked me and wanted to be with me but still had unresolved feelings for his ex, and she wouldn't leave him alone which would have made it harder. Hence him being conflicted. But I just don't understand what that meant for me and our relationship, does that mean he's not going to miss me because he was never truly there anyway? I haven't experienced this situation before so I just don't know. And on that note, I'm not perfect myself. So on some level yeah I'd miss me too, but on another level no... I can see that I contributed and made mistakes too. So why would you miss that? I know I'm probably asking questions that you can't answer, but your earlier stuff helped. And maybe I'm asking all the wrong questions too. I am going to keep working on myself. This has been a bit of a catalyst to make me rethink where I'm headed in life and I've realised I was really focused on myself and my hopes for a career, when I think I need to focus more on helping out/dedicating myself to something worthwhile. I also am going to work on my boundaries, because you were right about how we should not care if a guy isn't making effort, so I can see that I need to be built up in that way still - even though I thought I'd already done heaps of work.
Mack05 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) Sarah I can empathise with your situation. I am going to come from the guys point of view. Around April this year I met a great girl. We became friends and eventually she made it clear she wanted more. I had too much unresolved baggage to even go there. Some bad personal choices, low self esteem and two (what turned out to be) bad relationships back to back. I was honest and told her I needed to sort myself out before embarking on anything. As much as I was tempted to embark on a relationship with her, I knew if I didn't sort myself out that it would end pretty much the same way as my last two short term relationships did. Plus I felt she was too young for me. Anyway I put all the focus on myself and have come a very long way in 6 months. Myself and that girl never got together. It just wasn't meant to be. Lately I feel ready to meet a girl. Not sure why. It only came to me last week. After a lot of soul searching, I feel I can give her 110% and not have the previous issues which effected past relationships (low self esteem, insecurity, poor communication etc etc) be as big an issue going forward. Of course time will tell if that's the case..I don't want to be overly naive here as Rome wasn't built in a day. Now all of a sudden the roles have been reversed. Very Recently talking to a new girl. I approached her,which I haven't done in about 8 years. Very beautiful, sweet, smart, intelligent. Instant chemistry. We have chatted a lot in the past 4 days. Just when things are progressing nicely, she tells me she wants us to take things VERY slow as she had her heart broken badly 10 months back. If I proceed I will probably end up in a relationship like yours just gone by. Me feeling ready, her holding back. That gets very unsatisfying after awhile.Therefore will not take the risk with her and follow my own advice, as unbelieveably frustrating as that feels right now cause I see the potential there already. Still you are either ready for a relationship or you are not and if your potential partner can't see that then its up to yourself to recognise the signs. Thankfully my self esteem now allows me to accept the situation for what it is. Instead of 30 laps of the pool tomorrow I will do 40. Reacting positively to a negative situation is a major boost for self esteem. Going into a relationship with someone with unresolved baggage is usually going to end in failure one way or another. It may take months, even years but the chances of success are greatly diminished, because this person is probably unaware to the extent of his or her problems. We all have baggage but some us confront our demons and can move forward. Others let that baggage effect them for the rest of their lives, kidding themselves along the way. I guess all you can do now is focus on your self esteem so that when the right guy comes along then you will be ready and that is the real key here. Being ready when that opportunity comes, Because if one of you isn't fully ready to jump so to speak there is not much point in being in a relationship. Every person deserves 110% from a new partner or a potentially new partner and if you can't get that, you need to find someone who can give you what you deserve... Edited November 8, 2012 by Mack05 2
Author sarah_valentine Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Thank you Mack you are definitely making the right choice with that girl, I really think I knew at the beginning of my relationship that it wouldn't give me what I wanted, but I wasn't as wise to say no (next time I definitely think I will). As much as it sucks now the heartbreak is worse. Thank you for everything you said, that really made sense. I didn't think I was blaming myself for it, but I think not that on some level I was thinking if I did this or that differently maybe it would have been ok, when really it wouldn't. I think we were both a little bit broken at the beginning and I healed and went for it, and he didn't.
flitzanu Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 He basically forced me into it. He just pushed and pushed, blamed me, wouldn't talk about anything, got nasty. I tried to give him space, to talk about it with him (he wouldn't), to be extra nice... and eventually I had my breaking point and wasn't going to put up with that anymore. It just seemed so clear to me that he didn't want to be talking to me and stuff that I felt like a fool to keep trying. When I broke it off I also said this, so he knows that it wasn't anything about him, and he even acknowledged that he was doing it. I think maybe I didn't let it go on long enough to really get it in my head that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm still confused about it, I think/know he was going through stuff at the time. I don't know. so then he's an *******. there's no confusion about that. why would you want to date an ******* that treats you like dirt?
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