Whats going on?

[poison tongue]

Well I said I was too hurt to post anything on here yet, but I figured that it would help me clear some stuff off my chest and make me feel better, and also your advice would prove invaluable to me.

 

I’ll try and cut a long story short, though this will probably end up being a long read, so thanks for taking your time to do so.

 

I was with my gf for 4.5 years, i'm 25, and she’s 24. We split about 1 month ago, though a month before that we had the “I need a break period”, though during this time she called me everyday and I saw her a few times for lunch, dinner, or just to meet etc.

 

A little background, we were both so in love with one another and she said that I was the one, her soul mate and that she wanted to be with me forever, this came pretty early in the relationship after about a year, which I was happy with as I felt the same. She also said that she was so in love with me and we were best friends, which is how I felt too. We get on/got on great and are in tune with each other, id say she is the female version of me and vice versa. People who saw us would think we were the perfect couple and my friends said that she was the one that I would marry etc, which is what I want/wanted.

 

I admit I did take her for granted sometimes which was wrong and that we had gotten in to a bit of a routine towards the end, of staying in watching TV etc and not going out much and not treating her like the queen that she is. We also had breaks in the past, which was my idea, I was younger at the time and stupid doing so as I realised hurt her so much and I would never want to do that. These breaks were for about a week and the other 8 weeks, but I spoke to her on the phone regularly during those periods. I think it was me being young and naïve and it was my way of realising that she is perfect and the one for me.

 

About four weeks ago we spoke on the phone and she said that it was over basically, she didn’t want to say it and sounded like she was crying when she did. It seemed odd to me that it had come to this, as she loved me so much and I did her. Though she has got a new group of friends and I wondered if they may have been putting ideas in her head. I.e. “ you can do better”, “he don’t treat you right” etc, though I have never met these friends that she had mentioned to me on the phone about so how could they really know. Also the girl I know and fell in love with wouldn’t be so easily led.

 

What I’d really like you guys to help me with at the mo is that I’m seriously confused. After 9 days of breaking up she rings me, just a 5 min conversation, small talk, how are you etc? Then I call her bout week and a bit later. We talk 4 an hour, its like 6 months ago! Laughing at our jokes and getting on really well, like none of this as really happened. I ended the call as I was going out

 

I then get a text less than week after that from her, just saying hope your ok and what she’s been up to etc, this is followed by a phone call the following day, again we talk for about half an hour, just like old times, laughing etc. She suggests we meet up sometime though is vague about when, so I say next time we speak well sort when both her and I are free.

 

 

Sorry if your still reading I know this seems long winded! Anyway the next day she meets my sister (they became friends through me) they chat bout anything, though things were said about me. She is still confused about me and her, and she knows I can giver her everything she’s ever wanted, though she is unsure at the moment if she wants that now. Even though that is all she’s wanted I guess for the past 4 years! Also (she’s getting a flat by the way) in the future I could go round their and maybe stay over and it would be easier without our parents being in the way etc.

 

So i’m confused, hope you can see why. I love this girl so much, will do anything for her, want to marry her, have kids etc. Do you think there is any hope left? I want her back and will do anything to get her back. If she has called it a day, why the calls, especially like we’ve never split up, why the texts and the talk of going round her place in the future. I really want her back as when we are together I feel like i’m unbeatable. Any hope there do you think people? Even if it sonly a glimmer.

 

Thanks for getting this far, your advice is much appreciated

[Mr messed up]

It does sound like she needs abit of space to get her thoughts together, women in my experience are very reactional to how a man acts around them!!!!!!

Try the invisible elastic band between you and her? If you pull back further away from the relationship than she is just now then i think she will soon snap back into the centre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Good luck mate keep us posted

[EC]

I think she feels a lot for you but you have to understand like you said you took her for granted sometimes.

 

It sux when a relationship turns into a routine and you don't treat her the same or take her out as much. A girl starts doubting herself and starts getting insecure.

 

I think she's getting her flat and she's growing up and she's dealing with things going on inside her and it's good that she's doing that without stringing you along. I see that there is a possibility of you guys having something in the future she just needs time.

[inlovewitherin]

Hi. I'm sorry about your situation. It def. sucks. As far as the possibility of her friends putting ideas in her head goes, I'd say that it's something to watch out for. I am kind of dealing with the same thing and I think that maybe the best way to handle it is if you get the chance to sit down with her and talk, gently remind her to focus on what SHE wants and what SHE really feels and not let her fellings get clouded by the opinions of others. But, you know, try to stay away from being accusatory. That will just make her defensive.

 

 

Good luck!

[popvix]

Hey man, read the first few pages of this forum and you'll notice the same old story repeated again and again and again

 

-boy / girl fall in love at young age

-stay together for long period

-someone dumps someone saying they need to be "free" but tells other person they are perfect etc etc

-the person being dumped sits at home upset while the person who dumped them moves on with their life

-person being dumped keeps a candle burning for the person who ditched them thinking that they will eventually "wise up" to the power of love

-person who dumped you keeps up contact for the purpose of USING you as an emotional blanket whenever they need a quick fix of emotional stability, attention or just a quick break from their NEW LIFE, even though YOU look at that as a sign of hope.

- We come on forums and live in hope of a great re-union that never happens, and wouldnt work anyways.

 

Part of my "healing" of whats happened to me (similar situation, 7 year relationship) is knowing that you have to respect yourself and move on, instead of wanting to take back a pretty shallow person to just temporarily take away the pain.... and lets face it, all we are looking for when we are upset is an end to the pain - there are no real solutions behind the baloney we tell ourselves about how the relationship could "work again".... the bottom line is that it WOULDNT.

 

Seriously, look over all the threads here and notice the similarity between them all - pain, hurt, false hope, hoping for a miracle. It hurts like nothing else and believe me ive been there - but try and face the realisation that when something is over, it really and truly is.

 

Best of luck to you, be strong and above all else respect yourself and concentrate on the people around you who havent walked away to be "free"... family and friends for instance.

[EC]

POPVIX

 

Your words really hit a nerve. In a good way though.

 

I have felt exactly that and like I've said time and time again

Time is the only healer and all you can do is focus on the people who are there and who trully love you your friends and family. Because in the end they are the only thing you have.

 

Hope you don't mind I'm e-mailing your post to a friend that needs a reality check.

[popvix]

Hi there,

 

thanks for that - sometimes when i write responses like that i feel really guilty that they they come off as a little abbrupt or bad mannered given the situation, but i think its good that people quickly learn that breakups are as much a set of physical symptoms and stuff going on in your head,..... as much as they are "details" that are specific to everyones individual situations.

 

Sure thing, email it to your friend - hopefully it might help a bit....... its what ive discovered quickly in only 3.5 weeks since i split with my g/f ...

[EC]

3.5 weeks...lol it took me 1 whole year. lol Talk about how blind love is huh?

[popvix]

hehe, nah its going to take me alot longer to fully get over her - 7 years we were together and we've done a lifetimes worth of things and shared in so much growing up that it will always be difficult to think about what SHE turned her back on. The biggest hurdle i had to get over was the initial shock stage we all go through.

 

I do find myself constantly thinking about giving her a piece of my mind though when i let my own thoughts go lazy, usually about trying to let her know what an idiot i think she is now, but im teaching myself to put an end to those thoughts as soon as im aware of them happening (a book i bought has helped greatly on this)

 

1 year eh, wow thats a long time..... have you used any strategies or plans in moving on and coping? or did you do what came naturally? How about the whole "NC" thing?

[EC]

LOL

 

I went through the shock how could this be happening we were meant to be blah blah blah.

 

Then I went through the whole f*ck him I'm so cool he's missing out.

 

Then I went through the whole wait he's not calling me back how can he forget all our memories did I mean nothing to him?

 

I locked myself in my room for a while lying on my bed wishing I could just cut an opening in my covers so that they could feed me so that i didnt have to get up. I looked at every picture, listened to every song, and just cried and cried and let it all out.

 

Then I would spend time with my family and friends and whenever I would get the urge I would go through my 'memory box' and let it all out again.

 

I had no contact with him though. He didn't call me I didn't call him.

 

Finally he called and when I was doing so good messed me up. I gave him another chance he screwed up. My heart turned to stone then.

 

After that NC for a couple months and I still thought about him. I dated but I always compared and I guess i just needed closure and to say everything I had ever wanted to say w/out holding back because I had before.

 

So he called one day we met up I spilled my guts out and he did a complete 360 and said he wanted to be with me blah blah blah and after I heard that and saw him again after all the growing I had done something clicked in my head and I realized he was the same..I had changed..and i didn't need him anymore and thats when I finally got over him.

 

phew..sorry so long but it was a 1year. But TIME was the only thing that healed me. Time and family. Man I remember wishing there was a 'forget him' pill. lol

[Jai]

I have come to the realization that i will never get over my ex....but I am over the fact of feeling empty. Took about a month but I have so many great things happening in my life it is hard to get down on myself. I will always love my ex for who she was but I hate the person she has become. That made things a lot easier to handle.

[poison tongue]

Hi all,

 

bit of an update, i spoke to her again for half hour on the phone, and we chatted and laughed like nothing had happened, which i still find strange!

 

Anyway last time we spoke she mentioned about meeting up, so i brought it up and said at the weekend and she said yes and told me to call her tomorrow to sort it as she was off out. I said she should call me tomorrow, she said that was ok and was it ok with me for her to call me.

 

I keep analysing everything, which i know i shouldn't. But what do you make of that? Also when i see her how should i handle it? should i just keep going on the same tack as she is still confused/unsure etc, or should i go with the "i still love you and wanna be with you stuff, lets try again".

 

any ideas are appreciaited

[WantanS4]

You know I agree with POPVIX on the most part about how people sit there with false hope and all it does is cause more pain.... But I can't help but wonder why the hell she hung around for 6 years if she didn't want to do something in the end.... I mean... how immature is that 'i don't know what i want...'... it just doesn't add up. If a person is gonna stick around for that long, you would think that they had some inclination to believe that marriage was in the works or an actual sharing of life was going to take place. Why does a person get into a relationship that long and then decide "no.... not for me." Its crap! She just went off and decided that her life was more important than mine/ours and that she wants this and wants that does know how things will turn out. How do people just let HOPE die? Am I upset? Yes, because she's dishonet and immature. Do I forgive her, not yet... in fact in hope she falls into a bottomless black hole never to escape the depths of "OH SH.... I F****ed Up!" Will I take her back? Only God knows. Hopefully I'll be in a position where I can speak my mind and obviously I'll choose what's best for me.

 

Bottom line is... it seems like more woman do this than guys, and it's always because woman have this thing where they just won't express their feelings... at least that was the case with mine (look at my other posts).

 

So... this is my source of energy and encouragement: Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't know what the hell they want, what they have, and how hard it is to find someone that actually gives a sh**. Again... there's gotta be someone out there just dying for what we have to offer... right?

 

Hang in there fellas... I'm sure the good Lord has a 'smashing!' plan for us all.

 

Poison Tongue... you should... look to see if you can spend sometime with someone else and let her find out. If she wants you, she'll go out of her way to win you back.... if not.. then you're just gonna go back to being the emotional handkercheif. I would not rush into things... if love is there.. it takes forever to die.

[popvix]

Hi Wantan,

 

Believe me it blows my mind how people can suddenly make an amazing change in opinion in life... for me it was 7 years with my girlfriend,.... we were up till 4 months ago, a total team. We had fallen in love and been through so much together, we had our ups, our downs and all through it we were like a rock. Even our friends and families had come to generally regard us as being together forever.... and basically just as life was starting to get easier, and the money was coming in (had both landed good jobs in the wealthy part of the uk) ... we suddenly had nothing ahead of us other than choice and whatever we could make from life....

 

Basically the fact we now suddenly had it a little easier in life, we had nothing left to fight for, and my girlfriend realised she wasnt bound by anything and to anyone like we might have before.... and then the cold feet thing happened. Total and amazing change of character from the girl who didnt drink, got all A grades at school, got a great law degree and who my parents though was amazing.... to sitting down on the sofa telling me she just wants to party and to have sex with other people..... i was amazed!

 

I sat over and over till i was blue in the face and tried to explain that these feelings inside her were just temporary urges and that she should focus on what she wants in the long term instead of just reacting on short term things... and it fell on completely deaf ears. It was like all the common sense, and reliability i once knew... had died.

 

.... by her own words, 4 months ago she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me, and then overnight everything just changed in her mind and she suddenly had an "itch to scratch"

 

its a crazy world, and its a pity that other people have to be hurt by other peoples lack of control over their emotions eh....

[WantanS4]

popvix,

 

Absolutely... I totally understand your situation and in many ways it is like mine. Of course, she hasn't come out and said 'hey... there are other penises out there that i'd like to try'.... but more of the 'there's always someone else, and i need to know if your the one'. Of course I made my mistakes in the relationship... but I had every intention of making it up to her (like i said in other posts on the website, check'm out). Her general 'platform' now is 'I need to be independent, I don't want to rely on anyone else for my happiness, I don't have anything for myself'... how can she think that? There are women that go through their entire lives without finding someone who cares and loves them for all their pluses and minuses. I just don't get it, of all the things to flush in her life, how come it was me? It's a real big hit to your ego... i mean mine... but..... there really isn't a magic pill that will snap them out of it. It's just gonna take time and bad experiences to get them to go 'WHOOPS!'

 

 

As far as the emotions getting hurt, it's more like your emotions getting NUKED. Because it throws the biggest curve ball into your life. I mean, here i was on the brink of graduating from college, ready to START my life with her, plan the major investments, the family blah blah blah, and i get back and sh** flings all over the fan. What could i do? I literally came back to where I grew up for her, no other reason. I could have been applying for jobs all over the U.S. in far more interesting places, but I came back for her. So many sacrifices I made for this woman, and all she can think about is 'you've hurt me too many times, i need independence, i don't see you in my future, i don't need you anymore, and i'm sorry i lead you on'. I would have preferred the honesty the second she was having second thoughts, but she obviously felt that her 'needs' took priority over mine.

 

Whatever happened to 'us'?

 

See... this is why woman should have never been allowed to vote :)

 

Well, nevertheless... what happens in her department happens... and i'm just dying to meet the next one in line........ I have this 'itch' (sorry, i had to use it) inside of me that tells me that I'm gonna find someone else... have it be absolutely briliant... and then she's gonna be the rock in my shoe... and i'll have to choose................ UGH!... the thought.

 

I hope popvix that our luck in the department of 'partner' doubles after something like this.... keep me posted!

[popvix]

definately mate... at the end of the day, its people like us who were ready for commitment and a much more than playing the field ... we are the better ones in all this

[WantanS4]

You know i just came to a revelation....

 

When you ask them if they left cause of someone else, and they say no... they're lying! What the really mean to say is: "No.. not in particular.. but there is the REST OF THE WORLD!"

 

She said that to me, "There's just soo many people out there, I don't think I won't be able to find happiness with someone else. I'm the type of person that can get along with anyone so long as I am happy." What she fails to realize is that, NOT everyone else in the world will put up with her.

 

Haha... this is so sad...... it's just so sad for both people, but it's sadder for the party that doesn't realize what they've decided to throw away.

 

PEACE AND LOVE! hahahaha.............