It's only until I started reading...

[kandygurl22]

Hi guys

 

Well I went NC on my MM 3 weeks ago. Like any breakup, I was miserable and sad and all the rest but up until I started reading all these articles and forums like this about guys have I started to let this sadness consume me.

I never realized how textbook all these relationships are.

I REALLY truly believed what we had was different.

 

I met him through work, we spent all out time together, it was crazy and passionate and he always went out of his way to help me, emotionally and financially (even when he was struggling with money he'd always find a way to help me out). We were so in love. He was the one always expressing his feelings for me, and he always was a closed of person when it comes to feelings. He always cried when we got into arguments and I walked away.

When we would fight, he'd even once gone to talk to my best friend about how he's feeling and if I said anything etc... I met his friends, and everything was really good until I went overseas and was seeing this other guy I met there and MM got really jealous. But the way I saw it was that so long as MM wasn't moving out because of financial reasons and his two kids are still so young then I wouldn't ever expect so much from him. This totally broke down our connection and when I came back, it was never the same.

 

He had always told me we would be together after he moved out, that he didn't want me to hurt and wait around cause he felt bad and knew he was being selfish and said no matter how much he loves me like he should let me go and when he does go through with the moving out, if I ever wanted him back he would just have to try and hope I did. I KNOW he really cared for me, but now reading that it could have been all lies and excuses breaks my heart.

 

He was never hiding aspects of his life, told me everything about his wife, all the details...and he doesn't hate her but he wasn't ever really in love with her when they were married, he stays for the young kids for now and cause of their culture and family etc it's hard to just pick up and leave. And I believe him. I still believe him, but I always knew that I deserved more than to wait around so that's why I ended it. |

Also I guess the fact that his wife and family didn't know about me always annoyed me, but I always understood it would be hard and his strict culture with his family would just give him grief about it if they found out.

 

I do believe we had real love, but in the end his kids are his first priority which makes him a good person in a way, I would never want him to leave them if he wasn't ready.

But am I naive to believe that he sleeps on the couch and isn't close with his wife? He has always been open about how he talks to her normally, but it's more like a friendship than anything else, so he hasn't made it out like she's a psycho demon. Just that there's no connection there with them. I believe him also cause before we got together, we were friends, and he was always out with his guy friends on the weekends and weeknights, never at home, never brought her to work functions. Same when I started dating him, it wasn't just a hidden thing, he was with me on weekends, weeknights etc...

 

I guess I'm just venting but it'd be nice to know it wasn't ALL fake? I am so confused. I won't break NC, just looking back for some clarity I guess.

 

Thanks for reading xx

[veryhappy]

That could be true, partially true or completely false. You have no way of knowing, but if he's been open enough you get an idea of the dynamic. Does it matter at all now that you decided to end it?

 

MM who get jealous are the most hilarious bunch. They have nothing to offer, and still pout.

[alexandria35]

It's hard to say what's the truth and what isn't but I do think the guy has you a bit snowed. You seem to think that he's a good guy and a good father, but you yourself say he would give you money when he himself was struggling financially which I suppose would mean the whole family was struggling in which case he had no business giving family funds to you and secondly you said he was out all the time on weeknights and weekends. What kind of father is that? If he's staying married because he cares so much about his kids why is he giving the family money away and why doesn't he ever stay home with his kids?

[kandygurl22]

It's hard to say what's the truth and what isn't but I do think the guy has you a bit snowed. You seem to think that he's a good guy and a good father, but you yourself say he would give you money when he himself was struggling financially which I suppose would mean the whole family was struggling in which case he had no business giving family funds to you and secondly you said he was out all the time on weeknights and weekends. What kind of father is that? If he's staying married because he cares so much about his kids why is he giving the family money away and why doesn't he ever stay home with his kids?

 

 

 

That's a really good point, I never thought of it that way!

He does spend time with the kids though on the weekends during the day etc, because at night on the weekends, they spend time with his wife or grandparents. (I'm not trying to justify his actions here though)

 

But this is true with the finances also...

 

I guess everyone is right as well in that I may never know the truth but I guess it doesn't change the fact that I had to walk away in the end.

 

The right thing is sometimes so much harder to do than the wrong thing...

[Summer Breeze]

I think that when you started seeing someone else you made the break. You probably knew deep down it would change things and you chose to do it anyway. You basically drew a line in the sand and you made the decision to end it then.

 

What's the truth and what isn't? None of us have a clue. The only one in the whole thing that does is him. It's hard to leave them when you've had enough. I did just that so I know what you're going through. I can sit here and tell you not to second guess it but you will. I can tell you that you're better off to go and live your life but you won't believe me. Eventually you'll see that you've done the best thing for you no matter how much it hurts right now. Do your best to forget him and stop second guessing what you did. You know walking away was the right thing for you and you did it. Stay strong and keep reading in here. I'm so impressed you held onto your power and made your decisions about your future. Be very proud of that.

 

I also want to say one last thing. All As are not the same any more than all Ms are. Look at the good and bad that's brought to your attention in here but remember that only you were in that R with him and you know what it was between you.

 

Be proud you held onto your power. So many of us lose it in so many of our Rs through the years.

[kandygurl22]

I think that when you started seeing someone else you made the break. You probably knew deep down it would change things and you chose to do it anyway. You basically drew a line in the sand and you made the decision to end it then.

 

What's the truth and what isn't? None of us have a clue. The only one in the whole thing that does is him. It's hard to leave them when you've had enough. I did just that so I know what you're going through. I can sit here and tell you not to second guess it but you will. I can tell you that you're better off to go and live your life but you won't believe me. Eventually you'll see that you've done the best thing for you no matter how much it hurts right now. Do your best to forget him and stop second guessing what you did. You know walking away was the right thing for you and you did it. Stay strong and keep reading in here. I'm so impressed you held onto your power and made your decisions about your future. Be very proud of that.

 

I also want to say one last thing. All As are not the same any more than all Ms are. Look at the good and bad that's brought to your attention in here but remember that only you were in that R with him and you know what it was between you.

 

Be proud you held onto your power. So many of us lose it in so many of our Rs through the years.

 

 

Thank you for your post, it really helps me feel like I definitely did the right thing and that yes, all relationships are different. I think a lot of people are just too quick to put these relationships with married guys into a certain category... there are instances where it wasn't all full of lies and there was real love there I think... it's just hard because there's so much judgement from people if you tell them about it.

But you're right, only me and him know what it was between us... I don't hate him or anything now, I guess that's what makes it hard to let go of.

 

But thank you, I am proud of my strength, even though I feel so weak about it and missing him everyday, I guess my actions are proving to myself that I can be stronger than I thought.

 

How long ago did you leave your R? Is it just be or are these types of R's so much harder to recover from than a regular breakup?

[Summer Breeze]

Thank you for your post, it really helps me feel like I definitely did the right thing and that yes, all relationships are different. I think a lot of people are just too quick to put these relationships with married guys into a certain category... there are instances where it wasn't all full of lies and there was real love there I think... it's just hard because there's so much judgement from people if you tell them about it.

But you're right, only me and him know what it was between us... I don't hate him or anything now, I guess that's what makes it hard to let go of.

 

But thank you, I am proud of my strength, even though I feel so weak about it and missing him everyday, I guess my actions are proving to myself that I can be stronger than I thought.

 

How long ago did you leave your R? Is it just be or are these types of R's so much harder to recover from than a regular breakup?

 

I think that's one thing that is a comfort for BS to be honest. It's easier to minimize the A in order to move on. When I say that I mean both in order to reconcile or to walk away. My xH cheated on me years ago and I left immediately. He told me it meant nothing, and they married just over a year after our divorce. He told me he loved me and he wanted our family, but as everyone says actions speak louder than words and his actions over the A spoke real loud to me. I have always believed he is a good man who did something bad. I don't believe he would cheat again but the damage was done to our R and to me it was a dealbreaker. When he was trying to keep it all together he was minimizing the A to me like nobody's business. And as a BS I left and I minimized it to a degree too. It was easier for me to leave thinking he had wanted to stay. My victory maybe? I don't know but the minimizing it to me and in my own mind did help me get past it. I've never reconciled but reading in here it seems to be quite a recurring theme. By the way everyone -- I am not opening that up for a huge debate unless someone wants to start a new thread. I'm speaking as I find for my involvement here the past few years. What I'm saying Kandygurl is that I agree and the Rs are often much more powerful than many will admit.

 

I walked away a few years ago and when I did things were very good between us. I had come to the point I wanted more. I told him and gave him the choice and he stayed home, as I knew he would. He's now divorced and we've started seeing each other again. It was tough saying goodbye when I did but like you I knew it was best for me. Now we have a chance to see what we can have and I know how lucky I am for that.

 

It is hard to walk away when there are no fights and there isn't a reason for it to end other than you need to. You know how good it is and you know what the future could be but probably won't be. You walk away and it's tough. But your head is high and you hold onto your power. You leave on your terms and you heal. You know what kind of R you had with him and what was between you. You make the choices, not him, not his W. You. It's tough but Honey if I can do it then you can!

 

Head high and move forward.