If he really misses me....

[kandygurl22]

We broke up about a month and a half ago - I broke up with him. We were together 9 months. We stayed in contact but it was too hard for me, he kept on doing the same things the hurt me like being unreliable and bad with communication etc, I figured nothing had changed if I keep him in my life, so we had a small argument and I went NC.

 

It's been almost 3 weeks since I went NC. I got a text from him the other night saying he misses me so much, I've left a huge hole in his life and he is battling hard with me disappearing from him. But no questions asking how I've been, nothing else, no phone calls etc.

 

I didn't reply because I figured that if he really missed me that much, he would be trying a bit harder than this right? The whole point for us breaking up was that he sucks at communicating - It doesn't look like much has changed.

 

I feel guilty for not replying cause I know it'd be hard to send the first text... but I won't reply unless he makes a bigger effort and if he doesn't then I'm going to keep working on getting over him even though I'm still so in love with him.

 

Am I doing the right thing though? Do you think he even misses me or is that just a lazy attempt on his part? I keep over analyzing and it's driving me crazy

 

Thanks for reading, I would really appreciate any advice or opinions xoxo

[dreamstate83]

We broke up about a month and a half ago - I broke up with him. We were together 9 months. We stayed in contact but it was too hard for me, he kept on doing the same things the hurt me like being unreliable and bad with communication etc, I figured nothing had changed if I keep him in my life, so we had a small argument and I went NC.

 

It's been almost 3 weeks since I went NC. I got a text from him the other night saying he misses me so much, I've left a huge hole in his life and he is battling hard with me disappearing from him. But no questions asking how I've been, nothing else, no phone calls etc.

 

I didn't reply because I figured that if he really missed me that much, he would be trying a bit harder than this right? The whole point for us breaking up was that he sucks at communicating - It doesn't look like much has changed.

 

I feel guilty for not replying cause I know it'd be hard to send the first text... but I won't reply unless he makes a bigger effort and if he doesn't then I'm going to keep working on getting over him even though I'm still so in love with him.

 

Am I doing the right thing though? Do you think he even misses me or is that just a lazy attempt on his part? I keep over analyzing and it's driving me crazy

 

Thanks for reading, I would really appreciate any advice or opinions xoxo

 

You could always just say you will talk to him, but that it's just a talk and not to read into it. Tell him you want to discuss the problems you are having and see if he is willing to do the same in an adult manner.

 

 

but....if he really misses you he might be in begging mode. Your call.

[Addison312]

I'd go with 'it's not good enough.' You deserve a phone call, some REAL communication. If he's not good at communicating now, what type of husband would he be?

[Addison312]

And don't feel guilty because you deserve more than what he is giving.

[suladas]

You can only expect so much from a first message. The key in my opinion is what they do after you respond and start talking. The fact that it's a text and not a phone call I don't see a problem, because for all he knows you wouldn't answer, and sending a text it's a lot easier to say calm and composed.

[Mike6466]

You can always help him communicate. When your ina relationship you guys can learn from each other. Maybe if you explain how he has a communication problem and say ur willing to help instead of shutting him out of your life. In his shoes I know it's a horrible feeling to be broken and you don't know why. You have to explain why. And if you chose to work it out help him communicate better. It could help you too since you guys can learn together

[kandygurl22]

thanks for the replies...

 

the thing is, i don't think i WANT to get back together. I would like to try to be friends one day when i am ready, but the fact that we had such an intense relationship and it ended because of things he did and he knows it, and I am hurting about this everyday, but he's only sent me one text just kind of hurts my feelings, feels like he doesn't really care or he won't try to fight for me at all...

Or is this stemmed from my own insecurities?

 

Is there any sincerity in telling someone that you miss them so much, but don't back it up with anything?

 

I just feel like words need to be backed up with actions in order for them to mean anything?

Edited November 7, 2012 by kandygurl22

[sarah_valentine]

thanks for the replies...

 

the thing is, i don't think i WANT to get back together. I would like to try to be friends one day when i am ready, but the fact that we had such an intense relationship and it ended because of things he did and he knows it, and I am hurting about this everyday, but he's only sent me one text just kind of hurts my feelings, feels like he doesn't really care or he won't try to fight for me at all...

Or is this stemmed from my own insecurities?

 

Is there any sincerity in telling someone that you miss them so much, but don't back it up with anything?

 

I just feel like words need to be backed up with actions in order for them to mean anything?

 

You did the right thing. I was in a similar situation and broke it off with him, and it SUCKED because I loved him and didn't want to, but I really had no choice because he wasn't treating me how I deserved. It really is unfortunate, but that's just how it is.

 

After everything, he sent a text to strike up conversation and I didn't reply. To me it was like, are you kidding...? After everything, you just act like nothing has happened? In your situation I wouldn't have replied either - what's the point? So you can get back together and he can treat you more of the same?

 

Break ups should never be about teaching the other person a lesson... you need to be 100% willing to walk away. Which you are (as am I). But obviously when you love someone the door is still open for them to get their stuff together and come back, to fight for you and to REALLY GENUINELY put in that effort. Maybe neither of us was loved that much by them, or maybe it is a personal thing to them that they just ARE lazy, but the end result is that neither of us would have been happy.

 

So no, it isn't stemming from your own insecurities and don't get fooled into thinking that "if you were just ok with his laziness, then you guys could still be together and everything would be ok..." It isn't about your insecurities, it's about him not prioritising you and being a bad partner. I still go down that track of wondering if I expected too much, and then I talk to other guys and things will come up and I realise that I really wasn't.

 

Basically if I were you - try to move on, maybe in the future if he makes a HUGE effort then you can see, but also consider that people rarely change, and that it shouldn't have to take you leaving for him to realise and put in effort... he should have wanted to do that throughout the whole relationship to make you happy. Obviously things are more complicated than that, but at least for the moment you have made the right decision and your judgement seems pretty sound.

[witmadskilllz]

"I'm still so in love with him"

 

What is love nowadays? I think it's being misused a lot of the times here on LS. IF anything, love has nothing to do with a incompatible relationship, so drop the love because you just CAN'T be with him anymore if he keeps on hurting you.

[flitzanu]

thanks for the replies...

 

the thing is, i don't think i WANT to get back together. I would like to try to be friends one day when i am ready, but the fact that we had such an intense relationship and it ended because of things he did and he knows it, and I am hurting about this everyday, but he's only sent me one text just kind of hurts my feelings, feels like he doesn't really care or he won't try to fight for me at all...

Or is this stemmed from my own insecurities?

 

Is there any sincerity in telling someone that you miss them so much, but don't back it up with anything?

 

I just feel like words need to be backed up with actions in order for them to mean anything?

 

well, you don't want to get back together or work things out, so really he doesn't need to back up anything he says. why does he need to prove anything to you when you aren't dating and don't want to be with him?

[kandygurl22]

well, you don't want to get back together or work things out, so really he doesn't need to back up anything he says. why does he need to prove anything to you when you aren't dating and don't want to be with him?

 

yeah that's true, but i guess i just felt like, he was the one that did wrong, he would at least try to make amends and leave it on a good note.. but i guess maybe i'm asking for too much, he already sent me a text... i guess i wouldn't send another if i didn't get a reply to the first one.

[sarah_valentine]

yeah that's true, but i guess i just felt like, he was the one that did wrong, he would at least try to make amends and leave it on a good note.. but i guess maybe i'm asking for too much, he already sent me a text... i guess i wouldn't send another if i didn't get a reply to the first one.

 

We are almost the same person I don't know if I actually would want mine back either really, I'm probably living in fantasy land... but I still want him to try. If I think in terms of practicality then no, I wouldn't take him back - too difficult, too much baggage to work through now, certain things that annoyed me would still be there. But then you add in the feelings... and maybe if he really tried hard enough, if he really DID want me and showed it to me, maybe I would. I think it might be the same for you.

 

About the text... no, if you loved someone and really wanted them back, would you accept no reply once and just be done with it? If it were me I would try again, maybe even one more time after that even though it would be embarrassing, and if the attempt to start up conversation failed and they weren't replying and I REALLY DID want them back and was in the wrong, I'd send a final email in which I would express how much I stuffed up and that I'm so sorry but I'll leave them alone now because they haven't replied, but I know that it was all on me etc. etc.

 

What would you do? I am in the same situation too. I didn't reply, haven't heard anything else in over five weeks. But he's the one that stuffed up, I expressed everything right at the end. It's not up to me to make it easy for him and make myself a doormat and be desperate - in truth neither of us NEEDS to be in a poor relationship. To make it anywhere near worthwhile for us, they need to put in the effort.

 

So don't blame yourself for the no contact now because you didn't reply. If you read these boards more you will see that exes keep contacting, they don't let something awesome walk away. I do think if I get contacted in the future I might reply, because I am over the angry stage where I wanted him to contact me so I could tell him to get lost. But then again, maybe I'll be so busy I won't even bother. For you, in the event that he does, all I can say is take a few days to reply and be nonchalant. That's just a forewarning though, it might never happen. (I am stuck on this)

[TopCat22]

I'm not really sure what you expect from this guy. You finished with him. If he was bad at communicating then why didn't you talk this through with him and try and make it work? Then when you break up with him he texts you and you don't answer it. How is that great communication? He has tried to contact you. What did you want? Him calling you up, weeping to you that you're the only one?

 

I fail to see why it is his job to chase you now. You are the one that ended it so if you want him back then it's you that needs to make ammends, not him. If you don't want him back then leave him be. Let him heal. You seem to just want contact from him to stroke your own ego and remind yourself you were important to him (and still are).

 

Apologies if this sounds harsh, but I think you need to decide what you want and stop playing games.

[mano]

i am also going to through the same situation, he ended up with me n then sent some vague texts sort of implying that he misses me n paying for what he has done to me n is very sorry. but yes he hurt me a hell lot n i ended up begging and begging making him listen n take space if he needs but not to end completely but he never listened.

anyhow i kept no contact for 10 days n then every few days he just sends those texts telling me he misses me and all but when i respond he gets all indifferent. i want him to try harder but he is so insecure n cofused. it hurts

dear, i think u should not feel guilty , if they really love you they should try harder and really show they willing to have you back. maybe then they are worth giving another chance

dont expect much, thats the best u can do n focus on your current life

[nan83]

it got me thinking after reading your comment.

my relationship ended 2 months ago (after almost 4 years together) it ended pretty weird and sudden.

 

After 1 week i wrote to him kind of a good bye letter hoping to get a reply but nothing. 2 weeks later I texted him telling him that i miss him.

 

2 weeks ago, i got a text form him saying' a letter has been on its way to you but i have a hard time to write it down in words and it is nice to see that you are doing alright after all'

 

And that was it, nothing else. from being together everyday for the past 4 years and he ended by saying i am not his GF anymore when we argued. After that no contact just 1 text. i miss him so much but dont want to call or text him as i already did. What more can i do?

 

Your comment got me thinking should I fight for him? but why should I, if he loved me he should fight for me as well right? i have been the one whos taking the first step all the time and I know hes taken me for granted.

 

I have been so depressed and sad.

My heart is saying i still love him and wants him back, but my head is saying differently. what should I do?

[LostOne1]

We broke up about a month and a half ago - I broke up with him. We were together 9 months. We stayed in contact but it was too hard for me, he kept on doing the same things the hurt me like being unreliable and bad with communication etc, I figured nothing had changed if I keep him in my life, so we had a small argument and I went NC.

 

It's been almost 3 weeks since I went NC. I got a text from him the other night saying he misses me so much, I've left a huge hole in his life and he is battling hard with me disappearing from him. But no questions asking how I've been, nothing else, no phone calls etc.

 

I didn't reply because I figured that if he really missed me that much, he would be trying a bit harder than this right? The whole point for us breaking up was that he sucks at communicating - It doesn't look like much has changed.

 

I feel guilty for not replying cause I know it'd be hard to send the first text... but I won't reply unless he makes a bigger effort and if he doesn't then I'm going to keep working on getting over him even though I'm still so in love with him.

 

Am I doing the right thing though? Do you think he even misses me or is that just a lazy attempt on his part? I keep over analyzing and it's driving me crazy

 

Thanks for reading, I would really appreciate any advice or opinions xoxo

now I wish you were my ex haha.

 

My ex broke up with me for some what of the same reason. I did everything for her to show I changed and that my effort level and communication has gotten better and I'd work harder for it.

 

I mailed her a sorry card and hand written letter and photos, I made a video and song for her.. I did everything to show her I was going to work hard for us... but she never gave me a chance.

 

So I'm glad at least your willing to give your guy a chance provided he show's he wants to work harder for both of you. And it feels good to know you are giving it another chance. I wish my ex gave it another chance... but I never got that chance and never will.

[CherryLunar]

now I wish you were my ex haha.

 

My ex broke up with me for some what of the same reason. I did everything for her to show I changed and that my effort level and communication has gotten better and I'd work harder for it.

 

I mailed her a sorry card and hand written letter and photos, I made a video and song for her.. I did everything to show her I was going to work hard for us... but she never gave me a chance.

 

So I'm glad at least your willing to give your guy a chance provided he show's he wants to work harder for both of you. And it feels good to know you are giving it another chance. I wish my ex gave it another chance... but I never got that chance and never will.

 

I am in the exact same situation. (I wish some of you girls were my ex.) Only when I contact my ex, to try and show her I love her, she still believes I am not trying hard enough. (she's the one who broke it off.) I am not that great with communication, and she and I spoke about this. When I was starting to call more often (I was always the one who sent the first text, or spoke about something I read about or asked her how she was doing.) I got ignored, and told by her it was too late.

 

Now she's telling me she wants me to show her I want her, it's very stressful and depressing. Especially when you're talking to someone and they are telling you, you don't care about them but really you think about them all the time and cry for them often. (Hell I had to leave work yesterday because I was so down.)

 

I really think communication shouldn't solely be on the guy or the girl, but rather both people should express what it is that they want.. or else you end up like me or the topic poster. Kandy please don't ignore this guy, decide what you want.. I have to tell you we might not seem like we hurt, but really we hurt very badly with breakups. If you don't want him anymore then I implore you to tell him but don't give him any sense of false hope only to break him down swiftly.

[LostOne1]

I am in the exact same situation. (I wish some of you girls were my ex.) Only when I contact my ex, to try and show her I love her, she still believes I am not trying hard enough. (she's the one who broke it off.) I am not that great with communication, and she and I spoke about this. When I was starting to call more often (I was always the one who sent the first text, or spoke about something I read about or asked her how she was doing.) I got ignored, and told by her it was too late.

 

Now she's telling me she wants me to show her I want her, it's very stressful and depressing. Especially when you're talking to someone and they are telling you, you don't care about them but really you think about them all the time and cry for them often. (Hell I had to leave work yesterday because I was so down.)

 

I really think communication shouldn't solely be on the guy or the girl, but rather both people should express what it is that they want.. or else you end up like me or the topic poster. Kandy please don't ignore this guy, decide what you want.. I have to tell you we might not seem like we hurt, but really we hurt very badly with breakups. If you don't want him anymore then I implore you to tell him but don't give him any sense of false hope only to break him down swiftly.

 

Exactly man.. both of us are in the same boat.

 

My ex said the same thing.. that trying now is too late. Which I believe is bogus. I mean nothing is to late.. that is unless you DON'T want it anymore.

 

If a girl and guy want to be together BOTH sides should be willing to work it. And if the guy is fighting for a girl he loves and is trying to do his best to show he cares. And the girl does want him back, she should work it out.

 

My ex lead me on saying she wanted to work it out after I fought for her. Then a few days later she took it back and said she doesn't want too.. it hurts a lot after.. Then she makes more excuses that are not real like having to work late into the night and then coming out with the truth saying she doesn't want to at all.

 

All I can say is kandygurl22 is if he shows he loves you and is willing to fight for you.. give him a chance. And as said CherryLunar, guy hurt too. We don't show it, but we hurt as much as you girls do during a break up. We try to fight it and tell ourselves we are strong and hold it in. But in reality we hurt a lot inside and it kills us.

 

You see already 2 guys here wishing their ex gf took them back and gave them another chance. Even after showing they cared and are willing to work on communication and other things. But we needed a chance, and we never got one. So if your ex shows he is willing to work with you on things... give him a chance.

 

At least this way you'll know you gave him a chance and he got another chance and either it works or it doesn't. But at least you know and if things work out it will save a relationship and make it stronger and better.

 

I know if my ex gave me a chance, our relationship would be better than ever. Mostly because I would be doing much much more to make it better for her and myself to be much more happy.

[kandygurl22]

it got me thinking after reading your comment.

my relationship ended 2 months ago (after almost 4 years together) it ended pretty weird and sudden.

 

After 1 week i wrote to him kind of a good bye letter hoping to get a reply but nothing. 2 weeks later I texted him telling him that i miss him.

 

2 weeks ago, i got a text form him saying' a letter has been on its way to you but i have a hard time to write it down in words and it is nice to see that you are doing alright after all'

 

And that was it, nothing else. from being together everyday for the past 4 years and he ended by saying i am not his GF anymore when we argued. After that no contact just 1 text. i miss him so much but dont want to call or text him as i already did. What more can i do?

 

Your comment got me thinking should I fight for him? but why should I, if he loved me he should fight for me as well right? i have been the one whos taking the first step all the time and I know hes taken me for granted.

 

I have been so depressed and sad.

My heart is saying i still love him and wants him back, but my head is saying differently. what should I do?

 

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this stuff too....

 

To be honest, you already tried, you wrote him a letter, you put in a big effort to write down all of your feelings, and all you got back is a text?

 

I think it sounds like he is still taking you for granted, and I think the best thing you can do for now is just wait, he may just need more time to think things over and miss you more before the realization of what's happened really hits him....

 

Maybe you could give yourself like a date like 'If I don't hear from him by this time next Thursday, I will send one more, and if I don't hear back or get the response I need then that's my last try" and build yourself up to being ready for whatever happens if you do decide to reach out one more time?

 

But I think in the meantime, stay strong... NC seems to have a bigger effect than I thought... As I found out last night, I am about to post what happened.....

[kandygurl22]

now I wish you were my ex haha.

 

My ex broke up with me for some what of the same reason. I did everything for her to show I changed and that my effort level and communication has gotten better and I'd work harder for it.

 

I mailed her a sorry card and hand written letter and photos, I made a video and song for her.. I did everything to show her I was going to work hard for us... but she never gave me a chance.

 

So I'm glad at least your willing to give your guy a chance provided he show's he wants to work harder for both of you. And it feels good to know you are giving it another chance. I wish my ex gave it another chance... but I never got that chance and never will.

 

 

I think that really does suck that she didn't give you a chance. Did she at least give you the opportunity to talk it over, or have her hear you out? Did she reply?

 

What you did sounds soooo sweet, I wouldn't know any guy that would have done that for me or any guys my friends have gone out with.

 

You should feel good about yourself, at least you know you did the right thing and really tried hard for this girl. If she didn't go for it or appreciate, at least know that it really sounds like the next girl you fall in love with is one lucky girl.

[kandygurl22]

Ok so just WOW, do I have a story for you guys.

 

After the last three weeks of total miserable pain and stress about whether or not he misses me, and why he hasn't texted, and I still love him but if he doesn't try to make an effort then I can't even think about ever letting him into my life again and yada yada, I swear the universe goes and acts like crazy..

 

I was at the gym last night, finished, got this overbearing feeling that I'd see him, not that he wasn't constantly on my mind anyway but I just had this mental picture that he'd be there waiting for me or something... obviously he wasn't, so I just assumed my hopes were up and being irrational so I jumped in the car and started going home...

 

Two minutes later I'm at the lights, and who's car do I end up driving alongside? Yes, it's him. But then he's turned a corner straight away and I start shaking, like what if he saw me and took off?

 

I decided to just stop being stubborn, I broke NC straight away and texted him that he should have stopped.

He replied immediately saying he didn't know if it was me or not but as soon as he saw the car he freaked out, pulled over started shaking too and was about to call me when I texted first.

 

We spent the next four hours on the phone to each other, crying, explaining everything... It turns out that he has been even more broken about this NC than I had and it breaks my heart... I thought I wanted him to be missing me, and yes it was a relief to know he does, but he has spent the last three weeks worse off than me, said he was feeling like he was going insane, he didn't know how to text me again after I ignored the first one but it didn't mean he wasn't still driving past my house or places he knew I'd be but then backing out of showing up to talk to me cause he was afraid I'd moved on or found a new guy and would tell him to hit the road.

 

I'm not sure where we are going to go from here now, I've told him I won't totally disappear, I can't put him through that again, I don't want him feeling how I have felt... but we do need some time before we see each other again. It was amazing to hear his voice again... I really do hope that over time we can rebuild everything we messed up that caused us to break up, but at this point I am not ready for us to be serious again yet, just take it step by step and see what happens, see if we will be ready to meet face to face again (I am hesitant because it's only been 3 weeks and I don't want things to revert to how they were and this pain to start all over again)... but yeah... I am still so happy today, I felt like that closure to know how he felt too is really what I needed, NC was really great for us to both realize what we had and even though i vowed to not break NC, I am so happy things turned out how they did.

 

Who knows, it might work out over time (I really really hope so), but either way I know now I still love this guy more than ever... and he loves me right back

[robaday]

Heres my two cents - you broke up with him. So basically as a man, he doesnt want to make an idiot of himself by calling you or harrassing you, he has to protect himself.

 

Regardless of why you broke up, even if he was unhappy, its a major blow to the ego.

 

Had this with my ex who broke up with me for lack of commitment. Then afterward was surprised I hadnt been texting her or replying to calls - I was hurting big big time and not emotionally ready to talk to her......

[mano]

oh dear, that is awful, i understand how u must be feeling as it was a 4 years relationship. if he ended everything without having a solid reason. i don't think there is much u can do as he didn't even respond to your texts.

if he really wants you back he would show it n would fight for you.

if u try getting back together n do succeed in getting him back he would just take you for granted n chances are that he might do it to you all over again .

whats done is done dear. just make sure that now u don't approach this guy yourself as this seems to be the right thing for you . your self respect is really important:)