Love Versus Respect

[Under The Radar]

So, over the years I've heard the saying, "Women want love, while men want respect". I didn't really understand what it meant at the time. I am currently single, but moving forward, I believe respect is more important to ME.I want to be loved, but given a choice to pick only one, I would definitely go with respect.

 

I wanted to give an example:

 

I am a career personal trainer. I run a private facility in a big city. So, I work a lot of morning and evening hours. The least busy time in a gym is usually between the hours of 12PM to 4PM. Most people want to be trained (understandably) either before work or after. Most professional trainers will also need to work on Saturday (I work 40 hours a week). Well, my ex-girlfriend, after 15 months, tells me that my hours as a trainer are unacceptable. She said you need to have personal training hours that are 9AM-5PM. I cannot be with someone who works 6 days a week and doesn't get finished until 8 or 9PM.

 

Of course, she never complained when my "Personal Training Money" paid for meals, vacations, or gifts. Likewise, she never seemed to mind my flexibility to go on a doctor's appointment with her in the middle of the day (which was only possible because I had afternoons free). I also took days off (which means no pay) to help if she was sick.

 

Looking back, I see how disrespectful she was concerning my passion for training. This was my job before we met and something she knew I was incredibly passionate about. Yet, she would bust my chops on a routine basis for my job/hours. Keep in mind, despite my job, I still spent more time with her than anyone else. It was a constant source of stress and anxiety for me. This is just one example of disrespect, but there were many more. The relationship lasted 4 years; I learned the hard way.

 

I am a guy who loves relationships and romance. However, I feel like love is such a fleeting emotion that can come and go based on mood swings or what you've done lately. I wonder if it disappears quicky after the honeymoon phase when problems arise?

 

When I say respect, I'm NOT talking about somebody who I control or manipulate. I don't need someone to cook or clean for me. I don't need someone to do my laundry or take care of me when I'm sick. I just want to be respected for who I am. That to me is more important than love.

 

So, ladies and gentleman, what are your thoughts? I'm very curious as to what others here think about this. Which is more important in a relationship: Love or Respect?

[Under The Radar]

Respect is a integral part of Love... You work crappy hours, how long do you expect to hold this job as a trainer, is it temporary? I wouldn't want a woman who worked night-shift, or even a Dr. in an ER. Cause time together is the most important thing we have.

 

I've never heard anyone on a death-bed wishing they would have earned more money by working weekends. Usually it's time/family.

 

 

Thanks for chiming in Hawaii -

 

I don't work crappy hours, I just don't work a 9-5 job Monday thru Friday. I might train, as an example, from 8AM to 1PM on a Monday. Then, later that day, I'll return and work 4-8PM (sometimes 9PM). On Saturday, I'm usually done by 2PM which leaves the entire rest of the day. Sundays I am off. My job, in a lot of respects, gives me flexibility that a regular 9-5 job does not. She knew this was my job when we met and said nothing through the entire courting process. In fact, her family and friends were impressed I was self employed and worked as a professional trainer.

 

BTW, for what it's worth, my career is in the area of Physical Culture. It's not like I'm scrubbing toilets at LA Fitness with a "Born to Lose" tatttoo on my chest. I'm a career personal trainer working in several areas of the field. In fact, most of my background is in physcial therapy. There is a big difference between a college kid passing time as a substandard trainer at the local gym (not that there is anything wrong with that) and a strength and conditoning specialist/physical therapist.

[Under The Radar]

So, are you saying that to have love, respect must be present? Because I see a lot of people throwing around the L word without being respectful to their partner. I think it's much easier to "fake" love than respect. You know, actions over words.

[Under The Radar]

I should probably have mentioned that the schedule I listed in the OP is pretty much the standard for training across the country. You have to work when other people are not. When I was working until 1 or 2PM on a Saturday she was still sleeping in! Sundays I was off and we spent tons of time together on the weekdays. It was more about respect than us never seeing each other; we saw each other a lot. I also agree with you about relationships being more important than money. I don't work an abnormal amount of hours. I commented in the OP I work 40 hours a week.

[River Rain]

If a man merits my love then he usually has my respect. So for me the two are interchangeable. It would be difficult for me to choose because I would need both, as I give both.

[Under The Radar]

I'm sorry, man I didn't mean crappy, bad verbiage on my part. Inconvenient, or not consistent with a "normal" lifestyle.

 

Your woman seems to have been Ok with it in the beginning but now is craving something more normal. She just wants more of you, which is understandable to most extents. Maybe you could meet in the middle somewhere. ie; an afternoon/evening or two off a week, or every 3rd weekend type thing.. Meet her in the middle, or at least try. Then, ideally, she can do the same, too, by taking off an afternoon occasionally or meeting for long lunches/picnic/something.

 

 

No apologies necessary I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

 

We are no longer together - we broke up about 18 months ago. I am just trying to gather information for the future. Namely, how important is respect versus love.

 

Thanks again for the help,

 

Josh

[threebyfate]

I can't love anyone I don't respect. Also can't love anyone that doesn't return that respect.

 

We even give our toddler respect, where he returns it. Our second is still a lump (not quite two months old) so respect hasn't been incorporated into the necessities dynamics.

 

But respect and actions displaying respect are subjective. H and I are blunt with each other where some consider any form of criticism or bluntness, to be disrespectful.

[xdahliax]

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

If your love is true, you cannot simultaneously disrespect your beloved.

[Under The Radar]

If a man merits my love then he usually has my respect. So for me the two are interchangeable. It would be difficult for me to choose because I would need both, as I give both.

 

Thanks for your 2 cents RiverRain. You will make a very lucky man happy in the future . I, too, want to consolidate love with respect. When I was younger, inexperienced, and truthfully less mature, I didn't always combine the two well. In my last relationship I KNOW I did and it still failed. I guess it boils down to compatibility and personal beliefs.

[River Rain]

Thanks for your 2 cents RiverRain. You will make a very lucky man happy in the future . I, too, want to consolidate love with respect. When I was younger, inexperienced, and truthfully less mature, I didn't always combine the two well. In my last relationship I KNOW I did and it still failed. I guess it boils down to compatibility and personal beliefs.

 

Thanks, that's sweet.

 

Respect is the consideration of a person's feelings or choices. Obviously your ex thought she was okay with everything, but as time went by, she wanted more time from you, and it came off as her being disrespectful of your passion and work. If that respect or consideration starts to dwindle, the love doesn't dwindle too far after that too unfortunately. I think too many people are so willing to throw out the I love you's before really getting to know a person and their lifestyle, it's a shame because it creates so much drama and confusion, and ultimately hurt.

[Under The Radar]

Threebyfate,

 

I see where you are coming from and completely agree. It does seem like true love is an impossibility without genuine respect. I'm glad that you and your husband have that.

 

 

Xdahliax,

 

I agree with your posted definition of love. I suppose, if I really analyze it, she did not truly love me.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks, that's sweet.

 

Respect is the consideration of a person's feelings or choices. Obviously your ex thought she was okay with everything, but as time went by, she wanted more time from you, and it came off as her being disrespectful of your passion and work. If that respect or consideration starts to dwindle, the love doesn't dwindle too far after that too unfortunately. I think too many people are so willing to throw out the I love you's before really getting to know a person and their lifestyle, it's a shame because it creates so much drama and confusion, and ultimately hurt.

 

 

Yes, people DO tend to throw out "I love you's" without REALLY getting to know the other person. It is still confusing to me. I mean, I know a lot of people who respect me, but that doesn't mean they love me. We all have people who may respect us in life, such as work colleagues and platonic friends, who don't necessarily love us.

[Under The Radar]

I obviously need to go to bed, it's almost 4am, and to read gooder.

 

 

Get some good sleep, dude!

[todreaminblue]

So, over the years I've heard the saying, "Women want love, while men want respect". I didn't really understand what it meant at the time. I am currently single, but moving forward, I believe respect is more important to ME.I want to be loved, but given a choice to pick only one, I would definitely go with respect.

 

I wanted to give an example:

 

I am a career personal trainer. I run a private facility in a big city. So, I work a lot of morning and evening hours. The least busy time in a gym is usually between the hours of 12PM to 4PM. Most people want to be trained (understandably) either before work or after. Most professional trainers will also need to work on Saturday (I work 40 hours a week). Well, my ex-girlfriend, after 15 months, tells me that my hours as a trainer are unacceptable. She said you need to have personal training hours that are 9AM-5PM. I cannot be with someone who works 6 days a week and doesn't get finished until 8 or 9PM.

 

Of course, she never complained when my "Personal Training Money" paid for meals, vacations, or gifts. Likewise, she never seemed to mind my flexibility to go on a doctor's appointment with her in the middle of the day (which was only possible because I had afternoons free). I also took days off (which means no pay) to help if she was sick.

 

Looking back, I see how disrespectful she was concerning my passion for training. This was my job before we met and something she knew I was incredibly passionate about. Yet, she would bust my chops on a routine basis for my job/hours. Keep in mind, despite my job, I still spent more time with her than anyone else. It was a constant source of stress and anxiety for me. This is just one example of disrespect, but there were many more. The relationship lasted 4 years; I learned the hard way.

 

I am a guy who loves relationships and romance. However, I feel like love is such a fleeting emotion that can come and go based on mood swings or what you've done lately. I wonder if it disappears quicky after the honeymoon phase when problems arise?

 

When I say respect, I'm NOT talking about somebody who I control or manipulate. I don't need someone to cook or clean for me. I don't need someone to do my laundry or take care of me when I'm sick. I just want to be respected for who I am. That to me is more important than love.

 

So, ladies and gentleman, what are your thoughts? I'm very curious as to what others here think about this. Which is more important in a relationship: Love or Respect?

 

 

No emotion is fleeting you either let it go or you never had it to begin with.Emotions are in us always they dont go away anger love happiness sadness, it is which one comes to the surface and which one you hold on to and choose to remain that will be your attitude with hwo you approach life and love .I choose not hold onto anger for too long i let it go.....allow myself to feel things that make me feel positive......and sadness can be positive if you need to grieve....anger.....i dont see as positive at all....

 

 

as far as respect goes its not an emotion and its not genetically made into us.....it is a learned behavior....you cant blame people who haven't been taught how to respect or be respected .....you can show them how its done that is respectful behavior to accept differences..especially good and useful in an argument or disagreement...i do believe in respect.....If people are respectful to me i am equally respectful back.

 

 

A loving relationship is about respect, compassion kindness acceptance forgiveness and love....being in love may fade.......it normally might fade if the balance is out on the characteristics of a loving relationship, on both, or either parties.....keeping love alive is work and i would actually say more important than making money.....things happen to people unexpectedly and living rest of your mortal life with regret when something happens to your other half isn't the way to go no amount of money or tiem will ever bring them back....I take love seriously more seriously than i would an occupation I guess that is why I rarely fall for someone..so when i do i sit up and take notice.......because i am a serious person behind my goofiness........deb

[River Rain]

Yes, people DO tend to throw out "I love you's" without REALLY getting to know the other person. It is still confusing to me. I mean, I know a lot of people who respect me, but that doesn't mean they love me. We all have people who may respect us in life, such as work colleagues and platonic friends, who don't necessarily love us.

 

Yes, I agree with that. I respect my mechanic because he's one of the honest ones and does an amazing job at keeping my car running, cheaply, but no, I don't love him! Mind you, if I lost respect for him, because he tried to rip me off or something, my loyalty wouldn't be there anymore.

 

But when it comes to romantic love, at least for me, it's one and the same.

[Under The Radar]

No emotion is fleeting you either let it go or you never had it to begin with.Emotions are in us always they dont go away anger love happiness sadness it is which one comes to the surface and which one you hold on to adn choose to remain .I choose not hold onto anger for too long i let it go.....allow myself to feel things that make me feel positive......and sadness can be positive if you need to grieve....anger.....i dont see as positive at all....

 

 

as far as respect goes its not an emotion and its not genetically made into us.....it is a learned behavior....you cant blame people who haven't been taught how to respect or be respected .....you can show them how its done that is respectful behavior to accept differences..especially good and useful in an argument or disagreement...i do believe in respect.....If people are respectful to me i am equally respectful back.

 

 

A loving relationship is about respect, compassion kindness acceptance forgiveness and love....being in love may fade.......it normally might fade if the balance is out on the characteristics of a loving relationship, on both, or either parties.....keeping love alive is work and i would actually say more important than making money.....things happen to people unexpectedly and living rest of your mortal life with regret when something happens to your other half isn't the way to go no amount of money or tiem will ever bring them back....I take love seriously more seriously than i would an occupation I guess that is why I rarely fall for someone..so when i do i sit up and take notice.......because i am a serious person behind my goofiness........deb

 

 

Deb,

 

Thank you for your profoundly insightful post. I really like what you had to say regarding LEARNING how to respect people. That it isn't an emotion and has to be taught. That makes a lot of sense to me. In retrospect, it is even more clear to me considering her mother and step father didn't have mutual respect for each other. I can see where she may have learned certain dynamics from them.

[Emilia]

Let's leave love and respect to the side for a moment, let's just focus on compatibility.

 

I believe that's the issue. Many people - male or female, regardless - have a life based around routine, the majority will work 9-5, buy their food/beer for the evening, watch telly at home, go out at weekends, have kids after being together for 2-3-4-5 years, get old and die.

 

There are others who for whatever reason - out of passion, being more practical, etc - build their lives according to different rules that might or might not change over the years. You don't provide less stability, it's just that being with you requires more flexibility. Your previous partner didn't have that flexibility.

 

If you don't have the run-of-the-mill routine, it might be harder for you to find a compatible person but then again that person might appreciate you more because she will understand you better.

 

One poster here uses his sense of humour as an example of pre-selection: the women who get it, are more likely to be compatible with him because they 'get him'. Maybe your lifestyle is that indicator.

 

So I think it's about compatibility and the woman keeping you as she finds you them rather than trying to change you.

[Under The Radar]

Let's leave love and respect to the side for a moment, let's just focus on compatibility.

 

I believe that's the issue. Many people - male or female, regardless - have a life based around routine, the majority will work 9-5, buy their food/beer for the evening, watch telly at home, go out at weekends, have kids after being together for 2-3-4-5 years, get old and die.

 

There are others who for whatever reason - out of passion, being more practical, etc - build their lives according to different rules that might or might not change over the years. You don't provide less stability, it's just that being with you requires more flexibility. Your previous partner didn't have that flexibility.

 

If you don't have the run-of-the-mill routine, it might be harder for you to find a compatible person but then again that person might appreciate you more because she will understand you better.

 

One poster here uses his sense of humour as an example of pre-selection: the women who get it, are more likely to be compatible with him because they 'get him'. Maybe your lifestyle is that indicator.

 

So I think it's about compatibility and the woman keeping you as she finds you them rather than trying to change you.

 

 

Emilia,

 

Thanks for your post. I agree that compatibility is critical for a successful relationship. My scenario was frustrating because for the first 15 months of that relationship she didn't once mention my job or schedule as a problem. In fact, she was impressed with my customized gym, ambition, and current success. In the future, I would walk away immediately if given such an ultimatum. Like I said, my work week was 40 hours (or less) and we spent plenty of time together. Sometimes experience comes the hard way .

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks, that's sweet.

 

Respect is the consideration of a person's feelings or choices. Obviously your ex thought she was okay with everything, but as time went by, she wanted more time from you, and it came off as her being disrespectful of your passion and work. If that respect or consideration starts to dwindle, the love doesn't dwindle too far after that too unfortunately. I think too many people are so willing to throw out the I love you's before really getting to know a person and their lifestyle, it's a shame because it creates so much drama and confusion, and ultimately hurt.

 

Great points

[Emilia]

Emilia,

 

Thanks for your post. I agree that compatibility is critical for a successful relationship. My scenario was frustrating because for the first 15 months of that relationship she didn't once mention my job or schedule as a problem. In fact, she was impressed with my customized gym, ambition, and current success. In the future, I would walk away immediately if given such an ultimatum. Like I said, my work week was 40 hours (or less) and we spent plenty of time together. Sometimes experience comes the hard way .

 

People aren't always very forthcoming with what they are not happy with. It could be just some BS on her side past-breakup (what an ex says shouldn't be treated too seriously anyway) or it could be that she thought she could make it work long term. Perhaps if everything else was working well for you two, she wouldn't have mentioned it.

 

The only thing you can do is to be open about who you are, what your ambitions are and see how you mesh with the other person. When there is a will, there is a way. When there is no will, it's indicative of other things going wrong.