mj2k4 Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 I've been with my SO for almost 2 years. We have had problems in the past, and I broke up with her a couple of times earlier in the year. We took about 2 months off and got back together. Problem is, I was still being a jerk to her. I mean, we would have good times, great times actually, then I would blow up at her for something. Yell and call her names, and we would really get into bad. This would only happen when I'd been drinking. I would just balistic on her. No violence, but saying really bad and mean things to her. The worst was a couple of weeks ago. I wont even go into details, its bad. So I swore off alcohol, and decided to get myself back together. My drinking had been getting worse and worse since we broke up months ago, but even when we got back together I didnt stop. I still went out a lot, drank a lot with my buddies, etc. She didnt mind this so much, as she went out too with her friends. My problem is jealousy, and suspicion, even though she has never really given me a reason to be like this. She is just a flirt, and I am a jealous person. Not too good of a combo I guess. Anyways, so now she is holding my feet to the fire. This is the first time that I have really chased her. The previous few times I have broken it off with her. Now she has asked for 'space'. I gave her it for about a weekk, then we saw each over the weekend for a little bit. I am really not sure what to do. I dont know if she is stringing me along until she find someone else, or maybe she doesnt quite want to break up with me because she feels bad (she is like this with everyone, always trying to please everyone and not hurt them), or what. A part of me wants to throw in the towel because too much bad crap has happened and she will always be hurt, and another wants to chase her and make her give in. I'm really not sure what the hell to do, to be honest.
trouble Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 First of all I think you need to really try to figure out why you are so suspicious. Has someone cheated on you in the past? Do you think about cheating? I know that guys don't typically get into doing the soul searching but there is an underlying reason for your jealousy/ suspicion. You really need to find a constructive way to deal with that problem first. You may not need professional therapy but maybe some self-help books or talking to a wiser older person could help. Once you realize what is causing you to feel this way you can start to fix it. I think you will need to deal with this issue regardless of if you get back with her. You don't want this to carry on into a new relationship down the road. The next problem you need to look into is the drinking. I am not saying you are an alcoholic however you seem to display certain problematic behaviors. You have used alcohol as a vehicle to express your fears to your girlfriend in an unproductive way. If you figure out what is really bothering you- you may not continue to turn to the alcohol. It is important for you to be healthy first before you can be in a successful relationship. Good luck
Author mj2k4 Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 I dont know why I am so suspiscious. I have cheated, have been cheated on, and been with women who cheated on their boyfriends to be with me. I guess I am projecting my past experiences onto this relationship. I am starting therapy tommorow, as well as Anger Management class. I am doing both of my own free will. I may go on meds as well. i went to therapy last year, but for different problems (worried too much about financial issues, stress, etc) and was on Zoloft, but didnt like it and went off of it. Looking back, I feel I got worse since that time. And I know I have to deal with my issues regardless of whether I am with her or not. And I plan on it. But I am afraid she doesnt believe me and that this is it, for good this time. I know I could go out and find someone else, thats not the issue. In fact, I am a little out of her league, which is why she has put up with my crap this long, I think. I do love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I guess I just need to suck it up and wait out her decision?
Author mj2k4 Posted August 4, 2004 Author Posted August 4, 2004 So now she wants 'space'. We've had it for almost 2 weeks now. She is still very angry at me and mad, but isnt breakking up with me yet. I dont know whether to just leave her alone, or pursue her? If I pursue her, will she run away?
trouble Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Respect her wishes and in the mean time work on you. Once she decides that she is ready to come back she will be surprised to find that you have begun to deal with your problems. Don't chase her now. She wants space, give it to her.
Author mj2k4 Posted August 4, 2004 Author Posted August 4, 2004 Its hard to do. I am impatient. This same thing happened when i broke up with her earlier this year. She was mad at me for breaking up with her a few weeks earlier, then getting back together but I insisted on keeping our distance for a little bit, in the hopes she would miss me. It did the opposite, she felt more distant and more mad at me. Then i chased her for about 2 weeks, but she kept running. I finally gave up in frustration and ended it then. We were apart for about 7 weeks when she finally came back to me crying. So I dont think leaving her alone at this point will help. But I also dont think chasing her will help. Im not sure what the hell to do. Thing is, even if I leave her alone she will end up calling me. And we'll end up hanging out but no intimacy, because she'll still be 'mad' at me. She can hang out with me and do things, but its almost like we're not a couple. It's frustrating.
trouble Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 I am not trying to offend you but this sounds like a young relationship. I think it is sad that she can't be more mature and just take the time to be alone if she is mad at you and process what she needs to process. Spending time with you when she isn't 100% connected is not fair to you. If you really think that this relationship is worth saving I would suggest you write her a letter telling her how you feel. Tell her that you are going to give her her space because she asked for it but that you are still there if she needs to talk. Otherwise I would suggest moving on. It sounds like she is trying to usurp a lot of emotional control over you. Hang in there
kodiak Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Hey brother what you need to focus on right now is the jealousy and the suspicions that you have. Im telling you this because i was the same way and I ruined what was an amazing relationship. I had a great girl that did everything in the world for me and traeted me great and loved me. It was such a great relationship and I ruined it. She boke up with me two months ago because i was jealous and I had doubts about her love for me. It was a lack of confidence. She never gave me any reason to think this way but I still did. i too had a relationship where i was cheated on and it screwed my head up. Beleive me not a day goes by that I dont regret my actions with my ex. I would sell my soul to the devil for a second chance but I dont that will ever come. Whether its with your ex now or a new gilr these feelings and thoughts that you have will screw things up. I have a great life, one of the best jobs in the world, make great money but am miserable because of my screw ups. I went to see a therapist and she helped me out alot. Its not a bad idea. Good Luck
neptoon Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 Here's my two cents from the point of view of a woman and an evolutionist (because, after all, evolution is the objective of "love"): Men and women are wired differently in terms of "needing space". With men, the more "space" you give men, the more likely it is they'll return back into the relationship. With women, the more "space" that is given to us, the less likely it is we will return to the relationship. "Space" makes men miss women but it gives women time to stew and attract new mates. I can see the mechanisms behind this. In my 20's, I believed it was difficult to find men and I grew fearful of being alone. Now that I'm in my early 30's, I see that men are available everywhere. While we are in the relationship, we will tend to believe that there is no other man out there for us. Now, I'll let you in on a little secret I've discovered. When there are troubles in a relationship or when a woman has become recently single ... for some reason, men can sense it. It happens every time. Every time I get into a fight with a boyfriend and he tells me to "give him space to think about it", I'll be feeling really sad and sitting alone at an outdoor cafe somewhere and some man will approach me and I will end up with the man's phone number. The man will practically force me to take it. Men are conditioned to recognize these signals of "availability" of a potential mate. So, inadvertantly, while a man has broken a woman's heart by telling her he "needs space" -- her emotional response to this puts her on the market of "availability". This is music to a man's ears when the man has no woman and, based on personal observations, I strongly believe that unattached men are more conditioned to more accutely perceive the body signals of an unattached woman. Don't forget that nature has taken millions of generations to refine this mechanism -- it is subtle but very powerful. Available men who are unaware of the situation between you and your woman will be able to tell whether or not there is trouble in the relationship and whether or not she is emotionally "available". Now, I want to note something that you said earlier: I know I could go out and find someone else, thats not the issue. In fact, I am a little out of her league, which is why she has put up with my crap this long, I think. Partners can often sense that their partners feel this way about them. There are ways to hide it, of course, but only if you know that the partner can sense it. The way to hide this is to really not believe it yourself. In your situation, I think she does sense this -- that you believe she's not good enough for you. Stop thinking this. It's not healthy because it forms an underlying imbalance of power in the relationship. Throw all this "I'm out of her league" stuff out the window. There are no "leagues" -- it's all subjective. If you don't feel she's good enough for you, there are other men that she will be good enough for. And if you really do believe this and cannot shake yourself from it, do her a favor and just let her go...let her be free to enrich another lonely man's life...a man who can appreciate and accept her for what she is. You will only be doing her a disservice by keeping her in a place where she will never become your world. Don't worry about her being alone, she will find another -- the laws of nature and evolution will ensure that because nature consistently and constantly moves to achieve a dynamic equilibrium.
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