KansasChica Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 My breakup was close to a year ago. He was definitely my first real love. The first person I was able to let completely in and become completely vulnerable with. I couldn't wait to see him on a daily basis and talk to him. Then he broke up with me coldly and hurt me like no one ever has. Now that time has passed and I've done a lot of soul-searching, I realize that he had his issues too. Neither one of us was perfect, but at least I accepted my faults and was willing to work on them. He wasn't. He instead blamed me for everything and avoided all conflict by just pretending that I never existed. That, to me, was the hardest part to accept. Now, I've met someone else who is very different from my ex. I don't feel that overwhelming passion for him that I felt for my ex, but he makes me laugh and I'm happy when I'm with him. Although, I can't help but compare him some to my ex. I'm starting to wonder if my ex triggered some kind of anxiety high in me that made it seem so much more exciting- my commitment-phobia coming out or something. I still miss my ex to some degree- the joy I felt when I was with him, etc. Is it normal to carry this with you? Even though I now know and accept we were wrong together- does it ever completely go away? I feel like this next guy is amazing and I could see myself falling for him, but not in the crazy, head-over-heels, fully absorbed kind of way that my ex was.
PYTpisces Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I think you may have hit the nail on the head with the "anxiety high" thing. I've learned about myself that my love-hormones are triggered while in relationships with emotionally unavailable men because of my "daddy problems." These relationships tended to be hot and steamy, or intense and passionate, and once theyre over, VERY draining and painful. I would dump my soul into relationships with partners whom i never felt fully secure with. I would convinces myself he was "the one" and become gravely disappointed when it crashed and burned. How did he treat you while in the relationship? I would take note on what it is that makes you feel in love. It IS possible to reroute ones "love-hormone-neurons" (totally made that up lol) in such a way that you become familiar with healthy available secure love that is fulfilling and makes you "feel" in love the way you did with the ex. As relationships are meant to help us learn about ourselves it is definitely normal to carry our exes with us into new relationships. Sometimes, when it feels hard to let go of that ex we need to use the emotion as fuel to dig deep and find healing from within. The more you seek HEALTHY healing, the more you will find that the load you carry of your ex becomes lighter... this will naturally happen with time as well. 1
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