Dealing with a friend I like who just found an interest in BSDM.

[Sando13]

I have a female friend that I met at the start of the year, We met online over a game. We got on really well and she really liked me, We met for the first time from the word go when she was acting like we knew each other.

 

After that first time I started to become very clingy and attracted to her and did everything a guy is not supposed to do. She got annoyed with me and started to push away a little and we argued but it was mostly me starting the arguments.

 

Second time she stayed longer at my house, She was flirting and very touchy. Through the entire time I was confused. She stated we were just friends but she also said earlier that if I asked her out she would say yes but not now because of everything that happened.

 

Because of my confusion I lashed out at her, I gave her the space she asked for only to find out she was seeing another guy for "casual sex" after giving her space for a while she texted me first. I asked how things were and she told me about the relationship with the guy and showed me a profile of a BSDM site she is now on and said that the relationship was "Interesting, Confusing". I asked why it was confusing and she stated because the guy was treating it like it could be more.

 

She basically has stated she wants to experiment before she settles down, I don't want to destroy our friendship but I told her that I couldn't accept what she was doing. It is not so much the type of things she is doing but the strangers she talks too and the things shes doing with them. I spoke to her sister and told her I was concerned.

 

I've basically told her that while she is doing this sort of stuff I can't be near her and that I did love her and I need time to heal the damage done. Their is a concert we are meant to be going to in march next year and the ticket was her birthday present.

 

I told her I wanted to keep it as a way to reconnect and see if things have changed. How should I handle this situation? I don't want to push her away but I also don't want her to get hurt.

[in_absentia]

So you're basically saying that you can't be friends with a girl who doesn't want to date you anyway while she's engaging in safe, sane and consensual private sexual activity with somebody else?

 

What's your issue with BDSM in particular?

 

I'm a young female into BDSM. A guy who told me we couldn't be friends while I was engaging in masochism/submission would be a guy telling me he didn't accept me for the person I am inside and didn't trust me to make my own choices. I can understand not wanting to hear about it, but you're acting very controlling over someone you have absolutely no rights to.

 

And you spoke to her sister?! I'd never speak to you again. You broke her confidence and told her family member something she probably wanted to keep private.

 

If I were her I'd run.

[River Rain]

If you can't accept what she's doing now...then you probably will never accept what she's "done" if ever you try to be together down the line, don't you think? And if she really likes the BDSM, then if you two got back together, she'd be settling for you and eventually want to break up. It doesn't really sound like it has potential, based on what you've written. Plus, I agree, you shouldn't have talked to her sister, it wasn't your business to involve someone in her family.

[Sando13]

So you're basically saying that you can't be friends with a girl who doesn't want to date you anyway while she's engaging in safe, sane and consensual private sexual activity with somebody else?

 

What's your issue with BDSM in particular?

 

I'm a young female into BDSM. A guy who told me we couldn't be friends while I was engaging in masochism/submission would be a guy telling me he didn't accept me for the person I am inside and didn't trust me to make my own choices. I can understand not wanting to hear about it, but you're acting very controlling over someone you have absolutely no rights to.

 

And you spoke to her sister?! I'd never speak to you again. You broke her confidence and told her family member something she probably wanted to keep private.

 

If I were her I'd run.

 

I don't have an issue with the BDSM as I found it interesting and seen as a expression of love, The sister already knew about the website I spoke to the sister about my feelings and why I thought my friend might be angry at me. Their family is very accepting of me.

 

I'm the only friend she has down here in Melbourne currently, I'm trying to open my mind to the issues and work to compromise and fix them. The issue is the random people she is meeting online who she plans not to have any friendship with. I've heard their are some bad people on those sites I'm worried she will get hurt down the road.

 

I'm confused about the whole idea of when we are alone and not around others we are flirty and very touchy. I understand why she might not want to date me now due to how I acted that is understandable I've chosen to step away and obtain control but even after saying that she stills acts the same around me.

 

I've not yet spoke about her concert ticket.

[in_absentia]

It's not your place to interfere with what she gets upto on these websites; there are people who'll do bad things in all walks of life and assumedly if she's over the age of consent you need to respect that she's an adult and can make her own risk assessments. Are you sure you're not just upset that she's sleeping with other people and not you, and aren't masking it as 'concern' rather than jealousy?

 

It's nice to act flirty and touchy with some friends when you're alone if you're both single, but unless she has said she wants a relationship or she 'likes' you you're just clutching at straws thinking that that could lead to anything more meaningful.

 

Honestly I'd just back off. If she likes you she'll come forward and make it clear.