Creepy guy I was set up with refusing to accept that I just want to be friends

[CarboniteCammy]

also wanted to add- sex means different things to different people. Some people don't have sex unless they are committed, and some people have sex to find out whether they want to committ. This was probably a conversation you all should have had before you engaged in intercourse. ;-)

[veggirl]

How is this 5 pages? lol.

 

Dude you don't like the guy, he is a plane ride away...what is the big deal? Are you anticipating many meetings with him and you and your cousin that cause you to feel the need to be BFF with him?! I mean really.

 

Just tell him you are not interested and then stop answering his calls! If you for some reason find yourself in his vicinity (apparently you are anticipating this which I still don't get..) you can be polite and that's it.

[Emilia]

How is this 5 pages? lol.

 

Dude you don't like the guy, he is a plane ride away...what is the big deal? Are you anticipating many meetings with him and you and your cousin that cause you to feel the need to be BFF with him?! I mean really.

 

Just tell him you are not interested and then stop answering his calls! If you for some reason find yourself in his vicinity (apparently you are anticipating this which I still don't get..) you can be polite and that's it.

 

pretty much

[mortensorchid]

Well, first you should not have slept with the guy, but that's the past and we all make mistakes and all that. Next time you will know better. But honestly, since it has reached the point that it has, I think you should just stop taking his calls / texts and move on. A clean break, no explinations and move on.

[NYC-BigKat]

A couple of months ago my cousin set me up with a friend of hers and her husband's. The guy happened to be in my town that weekend and wanted to go to dinner. We went out to dinner twice that weekend, I kissed him at the end of the second evening and it was a very light kiss. He is 43 years old, never married.

 

For two months we texted everyday and grew a great friendship. There was no flirting or anything. Since then I was offered a job on his side of the country and have moved. It is still a plane ride away however. We met in a mutual city to hang out for the weekend to further see if we liked each other. I couldn't decide if I felt a spark or not but was almost certain of feeling no spark. The last night there, I slept with him and this was my idea.

 

Because I didn't feel much of a spark with him, I pretty much hated it the whole time. I felt no connection and he's horrible in bed. Not just horrible, but creepy. He talked the whole time and said weird things. There were times I asked him to please stop (I was getting sore) and he would just keep trying or I would push his hands away because he wouldn't stop feeling me and he wouldn't stop. Just yucky all the way. And after I had told him I didn't want to do it anymore, he tried to initiate again anyway. He didn't seem to care or notice my discomfort and was pushy. Even if there was a spark I think how he acted would have killed any mood I had for him.

 

When I got home, I told him that I was only interested in being friends and nothing more. That I don't feel romantic, am very sorry and it's just how I feel. He was very upset. And kept trying to talk me out of it. He finally accepted it and we got off the phone.

 

I didn't hear from him for a week. I answered the phone when he called last night and he was friendly and seemed okay. But throughout the conversation he was talking to me as though we are going to be dating and are working it out. Clearly some kind of manipulative move. I didn't know what to say and kept dodging his suggestions to take a trip together in next month. He even mentioned something about what's my dad going to say about his age and "us." (I'm in my 30's.) Clearly he is not just pushy in bed but now pushy in general.

 

I'm creeped out that this guy is doing this. He just tried to call again this evening and I really don't want to have to go through another call like I did where he was so upset and trying to change my mind. I was VERY clear and BLUNT about my decision and left no possibility that I could change my mind. So I'm feeling really disrespected and creeped out.

 

To make matters worse, he's my cousin's friend and she gave him a big talk before meeting me to be a gentleman. I'm trying my hardest to be nice but I'm so uncomfortable I just want to block his number.

 

How do you deal with a weirdo like this? Without having to go through this conversation AGAIN? I hate to have my cousin's husband talk to the guy. We are supposed to be adults.

 

Reading this post made me so so mad . He's a creepy creep before & after u had sex with him but u did it anyway. Thanks for teasing nice guys & turning them into creepy creeps . I hate hate hate when girls do this!

[verhrzn]

Well, first you should not have slept with the guy, but that's the past and we all make mistakes and all that. Next time you will know better. But honestly, since it has reached the point that it has, I think you should just stop taking his calls / texts and move on. A clean break, no explinations and move on.

 

Okay here's a question... why shouldn't she have? Women are constantly being told to give guys "chances," to push for a spark if the guy is "nice," to stop being so damn picky. She slept with him in hopes that would set off the hormones. Why is that awful?

 

I see tons of guys on this forum that said they'd LOVED to be used for sex even if it doesn't lead to a relationship. So, what is the constant message women should be following?

[verhrzn]

Reading this post made me so so mad . He's a creepy creep before & after u had sex with him but u did it anyway. Thanks for teasing nice guys & turning them into creepy creeps . I hate hate hate when girls do this!

 

How the bleep did she turn him into a creep?? He wasn't a nice guy before the sex; his behavior is not her fault.

[ThaWholigan]

Bollocks. You can do whatever you want. People will always get hurt one way or another. She used sex as a way to determine whether to pursue the relationship or not. That's a perfectly acceptable way of doing things.

 

I didn't say it was unacceptable, but the writing was on the wall that this wasn't going to end well. Too little chemistry from the beginning. If I'm on the fence about a girl, I'm not likely to have sex with her and risk her getting emotionally caught up.

 

She then TOLD HIM she wasn't interested. He chose not to accept that fact. The problem here is HIM not HER!

 

I agree, he is the problem. What I'm saying is that the problem could have been avoided if she didn't have sex with him. But it doesn't matter, because she did. At this point, he is being creepy indeed, and she should cut off contact. But in hindsight, she likely wouldn't have had sex with him.

[SensitiveTJ]

Okay here's a question... why shouldn't she have? Women are constantly being told to give guys "chances," to push for a spark if the guy is "nice," to stop being so damn picky. She slept with him in hopes that would set off the hormones. Why is that awful?

 

I see tons of guys on this forum that said they'd LOVED to be used for sex even if it doesn't lead to a relationship. So, what is the constant message women should be following?

 

The idea of "pushing" for a spark is ridiculous. It's either there or it's not. I think the OP's idea of having sex to try and create enough passion to gauge the man's suitability for a relationship was terribly foolish, but thats just my opinion. The OP has behaved in quite a deceptive manner, imo.

[verhrzn]

The idea of "pushing" for a spark is ridiculous. It's either there or it's not. I think the OP's idea of having sex to try and create enough passion to gauge the man's suitability for a relationship was terribly foolish, but thats just my opinion. The OP has behaved in quite a deceptive manner, imo.

 

So, women should reject guys as soon as they conceive there isn't much of a spark. Got it.

 

Does that mean guys will finally stop complaining about how picky women are, how women don't give them any chances, and how they never get a chance to have casual sex (which they apparently don't even want if they're judging a woman for sleeping with a guy to confirm or deny a spark)?

[dasein]

So, women should reject guys as soon as they conceive there isn't much of a spark. Got it...

 

I agree with you, and hope you remember the sentiment the next time a female OP here is told, by a large, endlessly repetitive chorus, that some guy she had sex with who then lost interest in her and faded is obviously an emotionally abusive predator/user/jerk/loser by definition. This thread is actually a refreshing role reversal on that -very common- theme here. Refreshing because OP is actually getting some flak for something men (usually the other party in a woman's angry post) get lots of flak for here.

 

But I still think the real source of the flak is in OP's spin of the situation, which appears to be prospective BF one minute, then creep when he tries to salvage things after bad sex the next. OP should just move on as opposed to needless blame shifting as "some creep who won't take no for an answer." There is no need for blame in this situation on either party.

[truth_seeker]

How do you deal with a weirdo like this? Without having to go through this conversation AGAIN? I hate to have my cousin's husband talk to the guy. We are supposed to be adults.

 

He's the weirdo? You're the one who slept with him even though you admit there were no sparks. This is your mess. You need to clean up by being direct with him.

 

You tell him: "I'm not interested in a relationship. Please respect my feelings on this. I think it's best we go our separate ways. I'm sorry it didn't work out. Goodbye."

 

After this conversation you delete his number, you do not take any of his phone calls, and you tell your cousin and husband about all of this (leave out the "bad in bed" details). If he's persistent in trying to contact you after you told him point blank you want nothing to do with him, then have your cousin and her husband step in.

[verhrzn]

I agree with you, and hope you remember the sentiment the next time a female OP here is told, by a large, endlessly repetitive chorus, that some guy she had sex with who then lost interest in her and faded is obviously an emotionally abusive predator/user/jerk/loser by definition. This thread is actually a refreshing role reversal on that -very common- theme here. Refreshing because OP is actually getting some flak for something men (usually the other party in a woman's angry post) get lots of flak for here.

 

But I still think the real source of the flak is in OP's spin of the situation, which appears to be prospective BF one minute, then creep when he tries to salvage things after bad sex the next. OP should just move on as opposed to needless blame shifting as "some creep who won't take no for an answer." There is no need for blame in this situation on either party.

 

I would still call him a jerk/loser. Why?

 

Because he doesn't tell her.

 

The OP clearly told the guy afterwards she wasn't interested in dating. Very very very different than a guy who "loses interest" and fades, never bothering to actually communicate with the woman he just had sex with.

 

Furthermore, he was creepy because he also wouldn't take no for an answer beforehand. How is everyone missing that part??

[dasein]

Furthermore, he was creepy because he also wouldn't take no for an answer beforehand. How is everyone missing that part??

 

No one is missing the point, that's the primary inconsistency in the thread. People don't generally have sex with someone they think is creepy hoping things might turn around. Without -lots- of explanation, that inconsistency sticks out like a sore thumb and suggests a convenient historical rewrite for the purposes of garnering sympathy.

 

And it's irrelevant whether the guy in all the "I got rooked by a player" threads tells her he isn't interested, he's still going to get hung out to dry on this forum whether he tells her or not. This really is a pretty close gender reversal of those types of threads.

[truth_seeker]

If she told him directly she wasn't interested and he kept being persistent in contacting her, then, yes, that is creepy behavior on his part.

 

If she NEVER told him her true feelings and was hoping he would just disappear, then I can understand why he would contact her. I would want an answer, too. Nothing creepy about that at all.

[dasein]

People send out mixed signals all the time. If a woman agrees to have sex with a man, as opposed to going on a couple of dates and then telling him "aint gonna happen," more persistence in trying to fix things or change her mind is warranted before the "creep factor" comes into play. ESPECIALLY if travel or other specific planning is required for the couple to have sex as opposed to meeting in a bar down the road. People usually don't have sex with those where there is no possibility of a full relationship, they don't usually have sex with people in the "friendzone," and if they do, they should accept that the other person, male or female, has a -right- to try to reconcile through the MIXED SIGNALS without being called a creep, male or female.

[verhrzn]

No one is missing the point, that's the primary inconsistency in the thread. People don't generally have sex with someone they think is creepy hoping things might turn around. Without -lots- of explanation, that inconsistency sticks out like a sore thumb and suggests a convenient historical rewrite for the purposes of garnering sympathy.

 

And it's irrelevant whether the guy in all the "I got rooked by a player" threads tells her he isn't interested, he's still going to get hung out to dry on this forum whether he tells her or not. This really is a pretty close gender reversal of those types of threads.

 

Women have sex with men they think are creepy on a far-more-than-it-should-be basis.

 

If a guy is being pushy, acting creepy... there's a big part of (most) woman's brains that say," If I give him what he wants, he'll go away."

 

What are politicians always telling women? If they're being raped, they might as well lie back and enjoy it?

 

There is an instinctual terror that if they say "no" too many times, if they fight back, if they show too much reluctance... the guy will just 'take' it anyway. And in taking it, he may not be gentle. In taking it, he may escalate to violence. By denying him, the woman feels she may force him to escalate to violence.

 

I've been in this position myself. I let creepy guys touch me, even though I knew they were creepy, because I was terrified of what else they would do. After all, they ignored my first "no." If they're ignoring my not-at-all-subtle "no," how can I trust that they won't ignore other not-at-all-subtle signals, like "stop" "that hurts" "get off me" etc. But maybe if he cops a feel.... gets what he wants.... he'll go away without harming me.

 

And, sick as it is, I've also had a voice in the back of my brain say I somehow deserve this, because I lead the guy on. Do you get how disgusting that is.... the idea that because I went on a date with someone, and maybe flirting with him in the beginning, I have forfeited all rights to my own body?

 

But that's a very common thought among women. The idea that they "deserve" a guy's bad treatment of them. The idea that men are entitled to what they want unless the girl plays it absolutely-by-the-rules.... rules that no one can seem to agree on.

 

Even more sick, I sometimes thought that I should let the guy cop a feel, because... he's nice, right? And nice guys are treated so badly by society. It's my fault for not liking him when I should... so I should let him have this, because he deserves it for being rejected by me.

 

It's a sick, twisted mindset that many women fall prey to because of the sick, twisted male entitlement issues of our society. Even the OP demonstrates it.... she told him, clearly, not-subtly "no" and "we're not dating." And yet the guy ignored BOTH of her statements.

 

And now you're blasting her, as if that's somehow her fault.

[truth_seeker]

also wanted to add- sex means different things to different people. Some people don't have sex unless they are committed, and some people have sex to find out whether they want to committ. This was probably a conversation you all should have had before you engaged in intercourse. ;-)

 

People have sex to find whether they want to commit or not? Who ever these people are, they are whack jobs.

[CailinPig]

Everyone appears to be missing the point that SHE TOLD HIM SHE WASN'T INTERESTED and he still won't leave her alone - THAT'S the problem, THAT'S why it's creeping her out! It's nothing to do with whether she slept with him or not.

[Eddie Edirol]

Haha! I love it, the OP gave up on her thread on page two, she doesnt like hearing that shes at fault for his behavior. Sorry to tell you GG3, but as long as you keep answering the phone when he calls, and trying to be "nice" to keep you from feeling guilty and sorry for the guy, he will keep on trying to sleep with you again. Especially since you gave him a taste of sex already. YOu have to first be mean to him, tell him exactly why you dont want to be with him romantically (although I dont know if he will try to change your mind again), tell him never to contact you again, and then block his number. If he calls from another number, hang up and block that one too. You can live with the guilt for 5 minutes.

[Under The Radar]

I didn't think the guy was "creepy" until he pushed after she said no.

[Under The Radar]

Everyone appears to be missing the point that SHE TOLD HIM SHE WASN'T INTERESTED and he still won't leave her alone - THAT'S the problem, THAT'S why it's creeping her out! It's nothing to do with whether she slept with him or not.

 

^^^^^This^^^^^

[dasein]

Women have sex with men they think are creepy on a far-more-than-it-should-be basis.

 

I disagree, what's more likely is that women revise history to "creephood" when things don't pan out and they want to salve their conscience in some way. Maybe women do have sex with what are called "jerks," generally not "creepsters" though. Nor do they carry on LDR "friendships" with men do they consider creepy, nor do they purposefully -travel- to get funky with a man they consider creepy. C'mon...

 

If a guy is being pushy, acting creepy... there's a big part of (most) woman's brains that say," If I give him what he wants, he'll go away."

 

Pushy, maybe, creepy? You got a long way to convince me that women have sex with men they consider "creepy" to make them go away. He "pushed and creeped" her right into that car or plane I guess.

 

What are politicians always telling women? If they're being raped, they might as well lie back and enjoy it?

 

Totally bizarre and irrelevant.

 

 

There is an instinctual terror that if they say "no" too many times, if they fight back, if they show too much reluctance... the guy will just 'take' it anyway. And in taking it, he may not be gentle. In taking it, he may escalate to violence. By denying him, the woman feels she may force him to escalate to violence.

 

Careful, your orthodoxy is showing. Also even more bizarre and irrelevant within the context of this thread.

 

I've been in this position myself. I let creepy guys touch me, even though I knew they were creepy, because I was terrified of what else they would do. After all, they ignored my first "no." If they're ignoring my not-at-all-subtle "no," how can I trust that they won't ignore other not-at-all-subtle signals, like "stop" "that hurts" "get off me" etc. But maybe if he cops a feel.... gets what he wants.... he'll go away without harming me.

 

More bizarre stranger danger rape orthodoxy, hugely irrelevant, none of it and your subsequent at all applicable to what OP posted, but do tell me, did you -travel- purposefully to be with these creepy men?

 

And now you're blasting her, as if that's somehow her fault.

 

None of my posts to this thread are in any way, shape or form "blasting" OP. String together some more "true rape stories" illusions though.

[dasein]

Everyone appears to be missing the point that SHE TOLD HIM SHE WASN'T INTERESTED and he still won't leave her alone - THAT'S the problem, THAT'S why it's creeping her out! It's nothing to do with whether she slept with him or not.

 

If she had told him she wasn't interested before conducting a close personal relationship for several months, traveling to him and sleeping with him, you might have a point. Because she did those things, though, he has a right to try to reconcile the MIXED SIGNALS she has sent him past a single rejection. If he persisted for months after that, maybe creepy. Now? he's just a victim of mixed signals, and I will wager a shiny penny that she considered this man as a genunine relationship prospect for quite some time, not a creep in the least, gave him that impression on many occasions, and is now doing some backwards spin to assuage her conscience. There are too many "head scratching" moments in the OP otherwise.

[CailinPig]

Dasein,

Are you saying that if I go out with / date someone for a short time (including sleeping with them once) and then tell them I'm not interested, that that is mixed signals???

 

Is that not just called normal dating????