LittlePrince Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 You don't owe him anything Just as he doesn't owe her anything like peace of mind.
LittlePrince Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I think the description of the OP's sexual experience with him makes him pretty creepy in my eyes. You'd find a male getting erect to an attractive, nude woman creepy. Opinion rejected.
phineas Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 She talked to him for months, had sex with him & NOW all of a sudden he's creepy? Apparently the line drawn between creepy & not-creepy is an orgasm these days. 2
irc333 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I am wondering why you had sex with him, if you had no interest in him?? A couple of months ago my cousin set me up with a friend of hers and her husband's. The guy happened to be in my town that weekend and wanted to go to dinner. We went out to dinner twice that weekend, I kissed him at the end of the second evening and it was a very light kiss. He is 43 years old, never married. For two months we texted everyday and grew a great friendship. There was no flirting or anything. Since then I was offered a job on his side of the country and have moved. It is still a plane ride away however. We met in a mutual city to hang out for the weekend to further see if we liked each other. I couldn't decide if I felt a spark or not but was almost certain of feeling no spark. The last night there, I slept with him and this was my idea. Because I didn't feel much of a spark with him, I pretty much hated it the whole time. I felt no connection and he's horrible in bed. Not just horrible, but creepy. He talked the whole time and said weird things. There were times I asked him to please stop (I was getting sore) and he would just keep trying or I would push his hands away because he wouldn't stop feeling me and he wouldn't stop. Just yucky all the way. And after I had told him I didn't want to do it anymore, he tried to initiate again anyway. He didn't seem to care or notice my discomfort and was pushy. Even if there was a spark I think how he acted would have killed any mood I had for him. When I got home, I told him that I was only interested in being friends and nothing more. That I don't feel romantic, am very sorry and it's just how I feel. He was very upset. And kept trying to talk me out of it. He finally accepted it and we got off the phone. I didn't hear from him for a week. I answered the phone when he called last night and he was friendly and seemed okay. But throughout the conversation he was talking to me as though we are going to be dating and are working it out. Clearly some kind of manipulative move. I didn't know what to say and kept dodging his suggestions to take a trip together in next month. He even mentioned something about what's my dad going to say about his age and "us." (I'm in my 30's.) Clearly he is not just pushy in bed but now pushy in general. I'm creeped out that this guy is doing this. He just tried to call again this evening and I really don't want to have to go through another call like I did where he was so upset and trying to change my mind. I was VERY clear and BLUNT about my decision and left no possibility that I could change my mind. So I'm feeling really disrespected and creeped out. To make matters worse, he's my cousin's friend and she gave him a big talk before meeting me to be a gentleman. I'm trying my hardest to be nice but I'm so uncomfortable I just want to block his number. How do you deal with a weirdo like this? Without having to go through this conversation AGAIN? I hate to have my cousin's husband talk to the guy. We are supposed to be adults. 1
sweetkiwi Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 i know how you could've been crystal clear. When a man has his dick inside you and you don't want it there simply kick his ass off of you. While its too late for that now you should go nc so he gets the picture. Being friends is not an option after awkward sex. 1
LittlePrince Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I am wondering why you had sex with him, if you had no interest in him?? Because that's what people do. For more primitive specimens of humanity sex is like saying hello.
LittlePrince Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 i know how you could've been crystal clear. When a man has his dick inside you and you don't want it there simply kick his ass off of you. While its too late for that now you should go nc so he gets the picture. Being friends is not an option after awkward sex. The most appropriate time for no means no is before the penis enters.
scratch Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I hate to have my cousin's husband talk to the guy. We are supposed to be adults. Why do you care about having his friend talk to him? For the sake of both you and this unfortunate guy, you should do whatever it takes for him to get the message that he should move on. I don't fault you for sleeping with the guy - sometimes that's what it takes to fully explore whether or not there's a spark. Besides, I suspect that many of your critics here laugh when women complain about jerks and players who sleep with them and then don't go on to pursue a serious relationship. However, what's done is done, and now you have a clear message to convey. If you're worried what others will think of you if you're too blunt, that's weak and selfish. Handle your business and own the consequences. Just as he doesn't owe her anything like peace of mind. The most appropriate time for no means no is before the penis enters. This is a disturbing perspective. If someone wants you to leave them alone, and they tell you so, you DO owe it to them to leave it alone. And, there's no inappropriate time for "no means no." I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you were just engaging in a bit of gender-baiting sophistry, as opposed to concluding that you're a stalker/sexual predator. 5
irc333 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Because that's what people do. For more primitive specimens of humanity sex is like saying hello. I have to admit, I had a woman that wanted to have sex with me, even though she wasn't interested in me in "that way" But I have tos ay that's the FIRST time I got FZ'ed, when they would let me touch them. LOL
serial muse Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) It's silly to fault the OP for having sex with the guy - people, go back and read the OP, she made it clear that she wasn't sure about him when she did it, and it sounds like she had sex to try to figure her feelings out. Whether we all think that was a smart way to go about it isn't really for anybody to judge - it's not like plenty of guys here don't have sex with someone about whom they aren't sure. So let's not slut-shame - she wanted to try having sex with him as a way to figure things out, so she did it, but it didn't work out and she decided at that point that this relationship wasn't happening. The End. As for creepy - yes, that word gets thrown around too much - and OP, THAT is why you're getting the heat here, by the way. It's the word "creepy" - use with caution. To me, the creepy part comes in when a person (man or woman!!!) doesn't accept that no means no - so personally, yes, I think this guy was edging into creepy territory. Not because he had bad sex with you - that's just kind of sad - but because afterward, you told him sorry but no and he acted like he hadn't heard. That's the kind of thing that makes a person's alarm bells go off. Regardless, you've really only got one choice at this point, and it's to go no-contact, fully. It's better for him and it's better for you. Don't try to create a friendship now - that ship has sailed. I think it's reasonable that you gave it the old college try, but now that you have, you can't really go backwards. And you know what? That's OK. You don't need another great friend, and I'm sure he doesn't, either. Just let this one go. Edited November 6, 2012 by serial muse 3
irc333 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 It's silly to fault the OP for having sex with the guy - people, go back and read the OP, she made it clear that she wasn't sure about him when she did it, and it sounds like she had sex to try to figure her feelings out. I'm sorry, you just don't "go have sex" with someone to see if there's a "spark" there. She did NOT go with her gut, and didn't cut ties prior to all this mess. She had doubt before getting close with him, as a result, he's a love sick puppy because of it. 1
Lostinlife4now Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I was trying to convey that our conversations weren't sexual. But the point of our keeping in touch was to be dating. All Along. GG3... I have learned if there isn't really a spark...DO NOT SLEEP WITH THEM JUST BECAUSE! I have also learned MEN...not all ARE NEEDY!!!!! Go No Contact...Delete his number!!!
ASG Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I'm sorry, you just don't "go have sex" with someone to see if there's a "spark" there. She did NOT go with her gut, and didn't cut ties prior to all this mess. She had doubt before getting close with him, as a result, he's a love sick puppy because of it. Oh grow up! People do it all the time. Sometimes you meet someone and you think they have great potential. You speak for a while but you don't quite feel the spark. But decide to give it a go on the sex anyway, to see if that would make a change. I've had both scenarios happen to me. The "hmmm err... actually, no, I don't feel it" and the "oh yeah! Let's do this!" The sex was bad for the OP, so obviously she decided to not pursue with a relationship. She told the guy as much. If he *is* a love sick puppy, then he has to get over it. Heartbreak happens all the time. We've all been there. It's not really that big a deal, considering they didn't even have a relationship! 3
serial muse Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) Here's the thing about Loveshack. People have all kinds of opinions about how one "ought" to proceed in a relationship, but really, they're just opinions, not facts. For example, some people, perhaps, will think that you shouldn't sleep with someone unless you know for sure that you want to date him/her. Others will get annoyed that you're not willing to "give someone a chance" - for example, someone that you like but don't feel a "spark" with. There are a LOT of people here on LS that get extremely upset about the "spark" business, in fact. (These are, not by coincidence, the same people who like the phrase "girl logic".) Which is precisely why I find this rather prudish 180 degree turnaround - "ZOMG, how could you sleep with someone when you suspected there wasn't a spark!" <**clutches pearls, falls on fainting couch**> so darn amusing. So, she gave a guy a chance. This is suddenly a bad thing, simply because the chance turned out not to work out? Edited November 6, 2012 by serial muse
AlexDP Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Here's the thing about Loveshack. People have all kinds of opinions about how one "ought" to proceed in a relationship, but really, they're just opinions, not facts. For example, some people, perhaps, will think that you shouldn't sleep with someone unless you know for sure that you want to date him/her. Others will get annoyed that you're not willing to "give someone a chance" - for example, someone that you like but don't feel a "spark" with. There are a LOT of people here on LS that get extremely upset about the "spark" business, in fact. (These are, not by coincidence, the same people who like the phrase "girl logic".) Which is precisely why I find this rather prudish 180 degree turnaround - "ZOMG, how could you sleep with someone when you suspected there wasn't a spark!" <**clutches pearls, falls on fainting couch**> so darn amusing. So, she gave a guy a chance. This is suddenly a bad thing, simply because the chance turned out not to work out? None of that is about the issue at hand. She has sex with the guy and then is confused he keeps on contacting her. I understand why she did what she did, but I also understand that the guy expects the relationship to evolve. He got a bunch of good signs and it's only logical that he thinks there is something between them. That she acts surprised shows just how much she unable to empathise with another human being and really reflects very poorly on her.
O'Malley Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 He isn't contacting the OP because he's confused and uncertain about where they stand (or that the OP pulled a disappearing act, which she obviously didn't do), he's actively choosing to negate her decision to break things off by pretending that they're still involved. I'd adopt a policy of blocking and not responding to contacts from anyone after you've told them you're moving on. To talk to him again or to have your friend speak to him would just reinforce the notion that if he contacts you x amount of times, he can anticipate getting a reaction out of you. Just get on with your life and hopefully he will do so as well. 1
serial muse Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) He isn't contacting the OP because he's confused and uncertain about where they stand (or that the OP pulled a disappearing act, which she obviously didn't do), he's actively choosing to negate her decision to break things off by pretending that they're still involved. I'd adopt a policy of blocking and not responding to contacts from anyone after you've told them you're moving on. To talk to him again or to have your friend speak to him would just reinforce the notion that if he contacts you x amount of times, he can anticipate getting a reaction out of you. Just get on with your life and hopefully he will do so as well. Everything about this post is right-on. None of that is about the issue at hand. She has sex with the guy and then is confused he keeps on contacting her. I understand why she did what she did, but I also understand that the guy expects the relationship to evolve. He got a bunch of good signs and it's only logical that he thinks there is something between them. That she acts surprised shows just how much she unable to empathise with another human being and really reflects very poorly on her. It's not logical that he thinks there's something when she has told him, flat-out, that there isn't. It's in fact the opposite of logical that he would ignore that. I sympathize with his (likely) feelings of rejection, but that doesn't make him right or mean that he's behaving logically. As I said in my first post on this thread, the kindest thing for the OP to do at this point is to cut off contact. We can all agree about that, it seems. My objection - which I contend is indeed about the issue at hand, as the issue was raised repeatedly in this thread - was to the silliness of shaming her for having sex with him in the first place. She took a lot of heat for that, for no good reason. Edited to add: OP, if you take two things from this thread, I hope that they are these: 1. Cut off contact; don't try to be "just friends" after sex, it's really not for the best and isn't doing anyone any favors. And 2. Think VERY CAREFULLY before using the word "creepy" on Loveshack; it riles people up. Edited November 6, 2012 by serial muse 3
verhrzn Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 She talked to him for months, had sex with him & NOW all of a sudden he's creepy? Apparently the line drawn between creepy & not-creepy is an orgasm these days. Um, no, he's creepy because he didn't respect her saying "no" and pushing his hands away. How is it even a question if that's creepy? A guy ignoring a direct request regarding her body is creepy! 1
verhrzn Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 You can't have sex with a guy and then decide to be friends, lesson learned. Why the heck not?? Guys do it all the time... have sex with a girl and then don't want to date her. So, why are guys allowed to do it and girls aren't? 2
ThaWholigan Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Everything about this post is right-on. It's not logical that he thinks there's something when she has told him, flat-out, that there isn't. It's in fact the opposite of logical that he would ignore that. I sympathize with his (likely) feelings of rejection, but that doesn't make him right or mean that he's behaving logically. As I said in my first post on this thread, the kindest thing for the OP to do at this point is to cut off contact. We can all agree about that, it seems. My objection - which I contend is indeed about the issue at hand, as the issue was raised repeatedly in this thread - was to the silliness of shaming her for having sex with him in the first place. She took a lot of heat for that, for no good reason. Edited to add: OP, if you take two things from this thread, I hope that they are these: 1. Cut off contact; don't try to be "just friends" after sex, it's really not for the best and isn't doing anyone any favors. And 2. Think VERY CAREFULLY before using the word "creepy" on Loveshack; it riles people up. And 3. Don't have sex with guys if you aren't sure about the "spark".
serial muse Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 If this guy would have gave it to her good....this thread wouldnt even exist. He was a bad lay in her opinion, and she wants to move on. Period. Well, yes. Which...seems reasonable.
verhrzn Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Because it never works. I can want the Jews and Palestinians to kiss and make up all I want, doesn't mean it's going to happen. What, specifically, doesn't work? You didn't actually answer my question.... why do guys get to do it (sleep with a girl, and decide to not date her) but when a girl does it she's asking to be judged/shamed/stalked?
CarboniteCammy Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 The only thing I don't get is why you'd have sex with someone with whom you only have a little chemistry at best, unless you are a believer that bad sex is still sex. Other then that, it does sound like he's socially awkward both in bed and out and that he's having a hard time taking "no" for an answer. He's probably quite lonley and was thrilled that someone wanted to spend time with him and probably couldn't believe his good luck that someone wanted to sleep with him.
ASG Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 If this guy would have gave it to her good....this thread wouldnt even exist. He was a bad lay in her opinion, and she wants to move on. Period. So? How is that something to argue over? Everyone is entitled to their dealbreakers. When you're not sure about someone and the sex is bad, that's usually a deal breaker. Period. Why is that something to be ashamed of?? And 3. Don't have sex with guys if you aren't sure about the "spark". Bollocks. You can do whatever you want. People will always get hurt one way or another. She used sex as a way to determine whether to pursue the relationship or not. That's a perfectly acceptable way of doing things. She then TOLD HIM she wasn't interested. He chose not to accept that fact. The problem here is HIM not HER!
serial muse Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Because it never works. I can want the Jews and Palestinians to kiss and make up all I want, doesn't mean it's going to happen. I tend to agree, and I think this holds for most people, regardless of gender. Some people are able to not get attached, but most people struggle with it, I think.
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