GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 A couple of months ago my cousin set me up with a friend of hers and her husband's. The guy happened to be in my town that weekend and wanted to go to dinner. We went out to dinner twice that weekend, I kissed him at the end of the second evening and it was a very light kiss. He is 43 years old, never married. For two months we texted everyday and grew a great friendship. There was no flirting or anything. Since then I was offered a job on his side of the country and have moved. It is still a plane ride away however. We met in a mutual city to hang out for the weekend to further see if we liked each other. I couldn't decide if I felt a spark or not but was almost certain of feeling no spark. The last night there, I slept with him and this was my idea. Because I didn't feel much of a spark with him, I pretty much hated it the whole time. I felt no connection and he's horrible in bed. Not just horrible, but creepy. He talked the whole time and said weird things. There were times I asked him to please stop (I was getting sore) and he would just keep trying or I would push his hands away because he wouldn't stop feeling me and he wouldn't stop. Just yucky all the way. And after I had told him I didn't want to do it anymore, he tried to initiate again anyway. He didn't seem to care or notice my discomfort and was pushy. Even if there was a spark I think how he acted would have killed any mood I had for him. When I got home, I told him that I was only interested in being friends and nothing more. That I don't feel romantic, am very sorry and it's just how I feel. He was very upset. And kept trying to talk me out of it. He finally accepted it and we got off the phone. I didn't hear from him for a week. I answered the phone when he called last night and he was friendly and seemed okay. But throughout the conversation he was talking to me as though we are going to be dating and are working it out. Clearly some kind of manipulative move. I didn't know what to say and kept dodging his suggestions to take a trip together in next month. He even mentioned something about what's my dad going to say about his age and "us." (I'm in my 30's.) Clearly he is not just pushy in bed but now pushy in general. I'm creeped out that this guy is doing this. He just tried to call again this evening and I really don't want to have to go through another call like I did where he was so upset and trying to change my mind. I was VERY clear and BLUNT about my decision and left no possibility that I could change my mind. So I'm feeling really disrespected and creeped out. To make matters worse, he's my cousin's friend and she gave him a big talk before meeting me to be a gentleman. I'm trying my hardest to be nice but I'm so uncomfortable I just want to block his number. How do you deal with a weirdo like this? Without having to go through this conversation AGAIN? I hate to have my cousin's husband talk to the guy. We are supposed to be adults.
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 This wasn't a great friend. It was someone I was trying to date and have decided I'm not interested in moving anything forward. 1
FitChick Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I think his interest and confusion is understandable. You had sex with him when you knew there was no chemistry. He assumed you liked him. Go No Contact. He will probably try to go through your cousin; in which case just tell her he was lousy in bed. 1
FitChick Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I think his interest and confusion is understandable. You had sex with him when you knew there was no chemistry. He assumed you liked him. Go No Contact. He will probably try to go through your cousin; in which case just tell her he was lousy in bed. You can't be friends with him because he will assume the relationship is back on. 9
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 I guess someone other than you wrote this part then? I was trying to convey that our conversations weren't sexual. But the point of our keeping in touch was to be dating. All Along.
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 I can understand his confusion but I made it VERY clear that I am not interested in anything further. That should NOT be confusing. I haven't given any mixed messages about it.
phineas Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Why would you want to even be friends with a guy you claim is "creepy"? 2
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Why would you want to even be friends with a "creepy" guy? It's my cousin's friend and I feel obligated to be nice.
ThaWholigan Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 In hindsight, having sex with this man was probably a bad idea - considering you had doubts about whether there would be any spark. There clearly wasn't enough there. At this point, I agree with Fitchick, go no contact. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Look, regardless of what has been said and done, tell him right now and for the future that you are not interested anymore and are moving on. Make it short and brief, and then go No contact. Just because he's a cousins friend doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to unwanted attention, he still thinks you are interested, making it clear by not talking to him after you make it clear that this is over and done with...for good. He will eventually give up and if your cousin asks just tell him you decided this wasn't something you wanted and wanted to end things but he refused to settle for that answer. You should have never dated this guy in the first place, friends of friends or family...off-limits unless you want drama, keep your dates on the outside of the circle IMO. 3
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 I agree with that. An adult needs to understand no means no. But you are a bit at fault...I think you jerked him around or led him on...even if you didnt do it on purpose. You never should have had sex with this guy....going by what you wrote, and how it played out. No...having sex or going out on a date with someone does not obligate you to continue dating them. At all. No means no. It happens all the time. People date to decide if they are a fit and I decided I'm not interested. Made the decision and I told him what my decision is. That is not jerking him around. I've made it clear. You sound like you are bitter about your own experiences. 6
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Believe me...during sex it did not look like I was having fun. He was just more focused on his own perceptions and enjoyment and ignoring my discomfort.
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 This is one of those situations where a woman realized she made a mistake....and now she just wants to "flip a switch" like turning off a light, making it all go away. When entering into any interaction with another member of the opposite sex....this scenario right here is what could happen to any of us. As adults we need to respect the persons wishes when they "shut us off" but a lot of times the emotion overrides the logic. When I told him I wasn't interested I was very nice and compassionate. I said I was sorry many times, "This is how I feel...I don't want to be more than friends..." Some people would just quit speaking to someone or play games. I hate the situation but I feel like my feelings need to be respected. 1
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 The jerking around that we are referring to is you having sex with him AFTER you knew there was no chance and no spark. Please stop trying to create arguments. Are you here to help people or just argue? I was unsure. Get off of it. 2
Author GG3 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 You are right that he needs to respect your NO. But we have every right to voice our opinion on what YOU did as well. I get the feeling you want us all to gang up on mr creep....and how dare we say anything about what you did. Nobody is creating an argument...its called opinions. And it sounds like you just dont like them. I have every right to say I feel you never should have slept with him to begin with. But if you like sleeping with older men that you have no feeling with, and no spark....thats your choice. No now you are making negative assumptions. I don't want anyone to "gang up" on anyone. I felt sorry for the guy. I am uncomfortable and was asking for help on how to handle it. Judge away all you want. Doesn't solve anything. But I guess it makes you feel better.
SensitiveTJ Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 OP, I'm finding it difficult to be sympathetic here. You slept with this guy, even though by your own admission you didn't like him, and now you wonder why he can't leave you alone. I think this problem is entirely of your own making.
somedude81 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Why do you keep saying you want to be friends with him?
dasein Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Friendships when there is an ongoing attraction imbalance, especially when sex was recently in the picture, don't work. Both of your attitudes here are understandable, but I don't see any indication of creepiness here at all. It's plain that this situation could have turned differently if the sex had been good for you, you slant a bit around that, but it's plain to readers, which is why you are getting some heat here on LS. Simply move on as opposed to trying to preserve some faux friendship. Your family will certainly understand, tell him you aren't interested in continuing, and that you feel a friendship at this time wouldn't work. Wish him well and ignore any future contact from him. Try to resist further impulse to vilify him as some creep who won't take no for an answer, his persistence is understandable in this case, as are your feelings about continuing. End it and be done. Good luck.
LittlePrince Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 You want to be friends with someone you deem creepy? 1
phineas Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 No...having sex or going out on a date with someone does not obligate you to continue dating them. At all. No means no. It happens all the time. People date to decide if they are a fit and I decided I'm not interested. Made the decision and I told him what my decision is. That is not jerking him around. I've made it clear. You sound like you are bitter about your own experiences. HAHA! The women of LS would disagree with you. I don't. except the friends part. I don't know any woman who would stay friends with a guy who slept with them then said "let's just be friends". You have no choice but to go no contact. 1
LittlePrince Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 No...having sex or going out on a date with someone does not obligate you to continue dating them. At all. No means no. It happens all the time. People date to decide if they are a fit and I decided I'm not interested. Made the decision and I told him what my decision is. That is not jerking him around. I've made it clear. You sound like you are bitter about your own experiences. Do you make a habit of sleeping with those you don't want to date?
AlexDP Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 So.. you talked to him for months, had sex with him and now you're surprised he thinks you guys are dating? What kind of person are you? 2
LittlePrince Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 So.. you talked to him for months, had sex with him and now you're surprised he thinks you guys are dating? What kind of person are you? It's girl logic. They get in a relationship or have sex with a guy others won't approve of and think if they deny it hard enough then it never happened.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I don't see him as creepy yet. He needs to respect your decision. At any point of dating, relationship or even marriage, a person has the right to break it off. A couple of follow up phone calls from his side does not a creep make. He sounds confused and like he liked you a lot. You don't owe him anything but try to show some compassion. 1
Emilia Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I don't see him as creepy yet. He needs to respect your decision. At any point of dating, relationship or even marriage, a person has the right to break it off. A couple of follow up phone calls from his side does not a creep make. He sounds confused and like he liked you a lot. You don't owe him anything but try to show some compassion. I think the description of the OP's sexual experience with him makes him pretty creepy in my eyes. 1
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