Roctam Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I am currently going through a very difficult time in March I caught my husband having an affair with by best friend. I found very filthy pictures of herself that she sent to him in a text message. It was beyond shock I never would have thought he would ever be unfaithful to me. We have had a wonderful marriage I thought we were happy we enjoyed each others company laughed lots people were envious of us, and now it seems like it was all a bunch of lies 10 years down the drain. Anyways the night I found the pictures just about killed me I never really confronted her sent a text thanking her the pics she had sent my husband and for being a horrible friend and destroying my marriage. She tried to play it off but my husband broke down and told me everything. Which was bitter sweet I guess I want to appreciate the honesty, but it tore my heart to pieces. There has been no more contact with her from either of us and we both want to rebuild our marriage he's trying to be very patient and understanding with my ups and downs which he should be. I love my husband with all my heart but some days I am just so full of despair I just don't know what to do I give him hope when we have good days then for what seems like no reason we are back at square one. I want my marriage to work I believe he is truly sorry and wants our lives back I just don't know how to snap out of it and keep moving forward without all the setbacks they are disappointing i really needed to vent and maybe get some advice from other people in my situation my goal is recovering and building a better stronger bond and marriage.
Furious Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 A double betrayal, your husband cheated on you with your best friend. It's only been 7 months since you discovered the affair, and you shouldn't be hard on yourself that you're having a very difficult time and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. It's sounds like you want to reconcile, but that's easier said than done. Reconciliation depends on so many factors, including the enormous amount of effort your husband must provide to you in order to rebuild your trust. Don't get stuck in a decision of reconciling, think of it as an attempt at reconciling. This will relieve the pressure you feel, sometimes it's best to have the attitude of wait and see. 1
TexasCountryGirl Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I wish I had the magic words to make this all go away ... or to back up time so that things would be different for you ... unfortunately there is no easy solution! I too have been through a very similar circumstance. My was a bit more involved as my Husbands affair started with and emotional connection that lead to very graphic text and pic mail ... followed by the physical affair. He regrets all of it and at times I know that he has or is suffering just as much pain as I am. (the knowledge and guilt of the affair is a difficult things for him to live with because he saw how it truly destroyed me / my life / and our marriage. The only advise that I can give you is healing is a long process. It's not something that will happen over night. It took a good year before the roller coaster ride of the High's and Low's before things seems to start settling down a little. Even then when I say they settled down a little ... that certainly does not mean the stopped! Its just that after a year or so we were finally able to make progress and the cycles of the High's and Low's spread out a little more. In the beginning we couldn't go more than 2 or 3 days between the up's and down's ... the up's were great and gave me hope and something to hold onto ... but then as the low's came on ... I was devastated all over again. The lows would get so bad that it made it very very difficult to find the "will" and the "strength" to keep holding on ... I would become extremely depressed and withdraw from everyone and everything. There were even many times that I wanted to walk away and said, "I just can't do this anymore... I thought I was strong enough to try and rebuild but I am not!" I would tell my husband that I have no hope, no value for myself (because of how the affair left me feeling so undesirable) and simply felt worthless! He knew when to back off and give me some space .. he never left although I knew there were times that he had to be feeling the same way. He would convince me to stay at home ... at least until the next morning so that I could get some rest and try to be able to think a little clearer. no need for a sob story ... so we will skip the rest but my point is ... the only thing that I found that seemed to help was "time!" The process of the High's and Low's is normal. My husbands affair was 2.5 years ago and I don't know that we will ever have the "same relationship" as we had before. We are closer in some aspects but the marriage is not like it was before. There are still times to this day that a fight over the affair still comes up. (although that in part has to do with the other woman living in very close proximity to my home... so every now and then I pass her on the road .. or in the store .. and at time she will do things just to taunt me...) I hope that in time you will be able to look back and see your own roller coaster slowing down a little more. My hig's and low's slowly got a little better and a little more spread out as time went by .. we went from 2-3 days with the cycles to finally being able to make it a week ... and then two ... and now we are back to within what I try to tell myself is "normal ranges" for most marriages. As of today ... we are probably able to go somewhere between 6-8 weeks ... but the "low's are still there" ... they still happen even to this day. Even when we aren't in a "low" period or aren't in a fight ... there are times that things just seem awkward ... long periods of silence and not really sure how to break it. (a prime example would be going to dinner ... sometimes he will say "lets go to dinner tonight instead of cooking ... OK .. sounds great ... home after work ... get in the car and go to eat ... but it's total and complete silence. Not because wither of us want the silence ... but sometimes after a long day at work your just tired .. you just need to unwind ... prior to the affair this was no big deal ... it was normal and felt normal to occur every now and then ... now ... it just seems awkward !) best of luck .. it's not easy to rebuild after an affair ... although clearly some people are able to do it and the marriage is able to be rebuilt.... I hope you are eventually able to see a little bit of light at the end of your tunnel! 1
underwater2010 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 The steps to beginning the R: 1. No Contact 2. Transperancy (passwords to all accounts/phones) 3. MC 4. You both have to be willing to work on the marriage. I wish you luck. Thank god the MOW in my case was an unknown. I probably would have beat the crap out of my "friend".
underwater2010 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 And please remember that you have all the time to decide if you even want to stay married. It is not a choice you have to make right this minute.
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 She was no friend, even more so that she downplayed, instead of apologizing and owning her part in it,,she did easiest thing she could for herself - DENY. I give your husband kudos for coming clean. He really f'uked up, big time but he is owning this and wants to prove to you he is worthy of a chance. Give him that chance by going to marriage counseling and give yourself time to heal. You have every right to feel upset, angry, betrayed, shell shocked too! Double betrayal is worse. Your ex friend is awful to do that to you! Is she married as well? Or dating someone? If so, think about telling her spouse. Sorry for your pain. All this will takes time so I do hope your husband respects you and loves you enough to support you, re affirm his love for you and does everything possible to regain your trust and faith in him again.
Author Roctam Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 Thank you for sharing your story with me, I was a bit vague about the actual affair we were very close friends with her and her husband they had been swingers in the past and her husband allowed her to date. That is absolutely nothing my husband and I had any interest in and they never asked our friendship wasn't based on sex at all. My husband is a very good looking guy who has the worse self image of himself I never could understand why he thought so little of himself, of course all of this led him to breaking down and sharing his horrific childhood with me but it took getting caught to finally open up. My "friend started texting my husband just everyday **** stuff about tv shows they both watched video games nothing personal or over the line but I still thought it was wrong and said so I demanded it stop and I thought it did. We all spent way to much to together every weekend at their house or them at ours around August I started to notice little things glances "accidental" touches I admit I'm stupid I was in denial I let them both talk me out of my feelings months went by and it seemed to get worse I would check his phone and there were a lot of messages but nothing sexual but then I started noticing the messages weren't adding up answers to previous text had nothing to do with each other he was erasing the dirty stuff that was in between we started fighting I started accusing them both I was made to feel crazy paranoid I started apologizing for the accusations then on march 13 I opened my husbands phone to find three penthouse style pictures this woman sent to my husband that day and he forgot to delete them he swears it never went any further than a few kisses and some touching I don't believe that not as much as he pulled away from me during this time my brother died and my only daughter left for the navy during this time I was a train wreck I needed him but he was no where emotionally to be found he swore he's ended it I do believe him he is trying everything in his power to make it up to me but you can't make something up after that I'm trying to learn to live with it it's not easy i love him but somedays I hate him too I never could brings self to confront her I regret that sometimes now, I know I have just babbled on and on but this is the first time I've had anyone to vent about it to she was my only friend and I won't worry my daughter I've just kinda been letting it eat me up inside for a long time now thank you so much for your support and sharing your story with me it was like reading my own
Author Roctam Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 Newdaydawnning thank you for the numbers I will definitely use them I've been looking for exactly that kind of thing i don't have insurance and I will be looking for the books and articles too thank you for your help and support
TexasCountryGirl Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Roctam: I understand the "want" to just hold it inside ... and affair almost makes you feel dirty and it's embarrassing (even though it's not your fault!). I didn't talk to anyone about it for a long time either. I was just so hurt and confused ... I couldn't really talk about it because I knew that if I tried to talk ... people would ask question that even I myself didn't know the answers to. I enrolled in counseling (for myself) about 4 months after everything coming to light... I was at my whits end and honestly felt like I was on the verge of having some sort of melt down. For me it had gotten to the point that I was afraid to even go out in public because I was no longer able to even keep my emotions in check! I would cry at the drop of a dime (and I am not one who likes to cry in front of anyone) or I would see what appeared to be a happy couple walking together and I would just become so incredibly angry ! Looking back on it ... Holding it inside and trying to deal with it on my own was probably the worst thing I did !!! Holding it in only allowed the feelings and emotions to bottle up and stew! Like you .. I love my husband deeply ... but there were definitely times that I thought I hated him just as much! Those feeling never seems to fade until I was able to get to that point of speaking to him directly about it. (and even then ... it just took time !)
2sure Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 ...nothing personal or over the line but I still thought it was wrong and said so I demanded it stop and I thought it did. We all spent way to much to together every weekend at their house or them at ours around August I started to notice little things glances "accidental" touches I admit I'm stupid I was in denial I let them both talk me out of my feelings months went by and it seemed to get worse I would check his phone and there were a lot of messages but nothing sexual but then I started noticing the messages weren't adding up answers to previous text had nothing to do with each other he was erasing the dirty stuff that was in between we started fighting I started accusing them both I was made to feel crazy paranoid I started apologizing for the accusations then on march 13 I opened my husbands phone to find three penthouse style pictures this woman sent to my husband that day and he forgot to delete them ..." Until you know exactly what has happened TO you, you may not be able to move on because for me...I had to identify my feelings, I had to be able to describe them and I couldnt until I looked up GASLIGHTING. It wasnt just that he cheated, it was what I call the "mind f*uckery" that I felt most violated me. "...he swears it never went any further than a few kisses and some touching I don't believe that ... was a train wreck I needed him but he was no where emotionally to be found he swore he's ended it I do believe ..." So you believe that it has ended but also believe their relationship was much different than he has told you. Thats not a good place. Thats no place. You are still in the dark as to what they have decided you should know about your life. Id be confused too. I understand that you may not want the details, that knowing it has stopped is enough - I can embrace that. BUT he is still betraying you if he has yet to admit the truth.., how can you "get over" something that has not even been brought to the table? "...I never could brings self to confront her I regret that sometimes now, I know I have just babbled on and on but this is the first time I've had anyone to vent about it to she was my only friend I think that in most affairs, contacting the other person doesnt end up making you feel any differently. I also think that the OWs spouse should know the truth, just because they are swingers doesnt mean he has not been betrayed. But ...these people were your friends. This is violating beyond the betrayal of your husband. She has violated you personally. I think you can tell her that. Now or a year from now. It isnt a confrontation. You were horrible to me and it wasnt necessary, you are a toxic person unable to have so much as a friendship. Anyway...please look up Gaslighting, it will help you give voice to your feelings.
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