My story...more .

[blue_jay_bird]

I always see these long posts about a BU. Going through every detail, iv never written one. Always thought, what a loser. Thinking your wasting your time rating on the internet. Well i forgot to say i'm a hypocrite, cause here i am.

 

All these thoughts are refections from today.

 

I met my Ex when we where in high school. 17-18. I was insecure, shy, and sensitive. This is a relative statement, cause i still have these qualities. He was confident, secure, and outgoing. I was pretty much a mouth to a flame. I took on his personality and traits like a chameleon. And i soon earned the nick name (little..insert ex's name.) I loved the new me, and he loved me, cause i was him. Everyone would say we are so similar, on the same vibe..ext. I think he feel in love with himself not me. It wasn't like i knew who i was, and he seemed like a perfect person to mimic.

 

We graduated like bunny's humping any time we could get. I was convinced i was in love, and was the first to tell him so. We both began higher education. But there where two problem's i felt that where a constant nag. I alway placed them at the back of my mind.

 

One- I was always more invested in the relationship. Example's- i would always plan thing's. Always the first to call. Always, bend backward like a good dutiful girlfriend.

 

Two- His friend's where "my" friends. I have no friends of my own, I make friends very, very easily. But I was depended on you ex for friendship/ ...everything social.

 

These two issues where never talked about...ever. The year's passed. We disagreed sometimes. But never fought. I would sit on my hands/ and try to not beg to hang out more. Hanging out once a week is normal right. I would "try" to get busy. But nothing compared to the happiness drug that was sex and my ex. I was never happy alone/ i new this was not normal but i just tried my best to not bother my busy, successful boyfriend. I hung off his every word. Cherished the ground he walked on. Would lie on the ground and let him walk over me if he needed. All i needed was him/ and this dragged on for seven years.

 

I guess alot of things did work since the relationship lasted so long. I really don't know anymore. I tell you all the bad things because if i look bad and talk about the good i would sound more crazy then i am. But things lasted so long because they worked. Thats all i can think of when i think about it. We got along great, had many things to talk about, had a blast together. I think he thought he loved me. And im not sure what love is anymore. Im not sure he could ever get over that i have insecurities and depression. I think he drew the line in the sand and said. No more. I think the issues because to much and he ran.

 

Well back to the time line. A few months before are 7 year together, i was a little worried cause he would always tell me he was tired. He has always had sleeping problems so i let it slide. This "im tired" resulted in no sex, no talking. I feel like a idiot looking back. He completely shut down and was shutting me out. So many red flags, so many. But all i saw was this perfect man i loved. So out of the "blue" he dumped me. "He's not 100% sure i'm the one." "Doesn't see a future with me"

 

Why im i here posting. I don't know. It's either this, breaking NC for "answers." Or getting a life. Which is slowly happening. I just keep thinking, seven year's. Gone just like that. I know nothing about life. I'm so confused, sad lost and lonely. I guess basically i'm asking. Should i break NC again to help me move on.. cause.. im spending my time on LS. And he's having a blast all moved on.

Edited November 6, 2012 by blue_jay_bird

[Mack05]

I had a quick look at your first post when you joined LS..You describe yourself as -> "an amazing, attractive woman"

 

On your post above you say "I was insecure, shy, and sensitive. This is a relative statement, cause i still have these qualities. I took on his personality and traits like a chameleon. And i soon earned the nick name (little..insert ex's name.)"

 

That sounds like two different people right? You have provided your own answers in this thread. You are just too clouded by emotion to see them clearly. Ok a few things..

 

1) You will probably not get answers from him. Now if you need to break NC thats what you should do. I used to be a big advocate of NC and still am, but sometimes breaking NC and getting hurt again, can snap you out of an emotional trance and help you start thinking logically again. It can force you to at least start trying to think clearly. With my last two girlfriends I broke NC. I can tell you I didn't learn a thing and nothing ever changed.

 

Most times that is how breaking NC ends. You feel more rejected and probably have even more questions. Because you are emotional you are not thinking rationally, so you start to project. What if he is thinking this or that. Maybe if I just tell him this etc etc etc but in truth his thought processes are different to yours, so what you think he might be feeling/thinking he is almost certainly not.

 

2) I can tell you now few men want a version of themselves. Ok it's cool at the start having that kind of adulation, but after awhile the novelity wears off. I am pretty amazed it lasted 7 years to be honest. I could tell you what I would look for, but that's pretty irrevelant in your thread. For me the relationship dynamics were wrong from the start. It seemed (correct me if I am wrong) to involve you not being 'you' to try gain his approval? Over the 7 years did he ever get to know the real you? More importantly do you know who the real 'you' even is? More on that below.

 

3) I get the impression (please correct me if I am wrong) that you have no real sense of 'self'. Neither did I to be honest but in a different way. After my last breakup, I went through her emails sent to me (and my ex before her emails) and I noticed an alarming trend. There was no real consistency with me. I would react to various emotions one day, say something and it seemed the next day I would react to another emotion, contradict myself and say something completely different. That is as emotional immature as one can get.

 

I knew after awhile of 'blaming' them post breakup, that this was not the problem. Blaming them was not going to give me a future with the right girl. Spending wastless hours trying to make them 'see the light' were utterly futile and pointless. It was time that should have been spent on me. So I stopped 'blaming' and looking for answers from someone who could never give me answers. I looked for the answers within myself and continue to do so.

 

I realised I didn't really know myself or what I wanted out of life. I spend my last two relationships doing everything to make them happy at the start. But because I was not happy inside, I was looking to them to make me happy. A relationship can't thrive under such circumstances. Neither girl could give me what I truly wanted, so started a pull-push volatile relationship. I knew in my heart there was no future with either girl so I would leave or threaten to leave, but when I was on my own and sad I would come running back. In truth they both deserved better. A lot better.

 

The key to figuring all this out is to become happy in yourself. This is not as easy as it sounds. In fact depending on the circumstances it can be quite difficult. Everyone's journey is different, so it will be up to you to figure this all out. Things that helped me were, journalling (spending tough lonely time on my own and dealing with the uncomfortable feelings and then writing about it), regular exercise, putting myself out there with no fear, being a better friend/son/brother/uncle etc. For you in could be other things. What I do know is reprogramming yourself is a task that may go on for months or even years, but it is necessary if you want to get what you truly want out of life.

 

I know you have regrets. I do too, but it's what you do with these 'life lessons' that will determine what kind of life we will end up leading. You either learn, adapt and grow, or repeat the same mistakes over and over. I wish you well on your journey..

Edited November 6, 2012 by Mack05