citrusgreen Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 So this guy contacted me via an online dating forum a couple weeks ago. I liked his profile (and vice versa, I assume), we exchanged a few (very) brief emails and he asked if I'd like to meet up for drink and to chat. I agreed. This was about 10 days ago -- on a Thursday. He seemed a bit eager to meet up soon, but I was busy, so we made plans to meet the following Tuesday after work at a bar. First slightly odd thing: Despite our plans to meet Tuesday, he contacts me on Sunday (in advance of our planned date) and asks what I'm doing. I tell him I have plans already, and re-confirm our plans for Tuesday. Well, I live in NYC and as you may know, we were hit by a severe HURRICANE Monday night. Most of the city (including me and him) lost power Monday night. The city basically shut down. Transportation stopped, elevators stopped, cellphones stopped, and ALL the businesses closed. It was all totally surreal. I spend Monday night in complete darkness, alone, with no way to reach any friends. Wake up Tuesday and there's still no power. My apartment is pitch black and cold. I can't get in touch with anybody bc everybody's cell phone is dead. I finally walk like 3 miles in the cold to charge my phone, and I get a text from this guy--after all, today is the day we had originally planned to meet up. We text back and forth for a bit and realize we are practically neighbors. He lives only 3 blocks away from me -- in fact, he's a doctor doing his residency at the hospital on my block. Crazy. He says: Hope this doesn't come across as creepy, but if you're still up for it, maybe you can come over, we can hang out with candles and have a glass of wine.... It may have been a stupid thing to do, but by this point I'm going totally stir crazy, so I agree to meet him. We chat outside of his place for awhile first. He seems totally sane/nice, so I agree to hang out inside with him. We have a fun time (given the circumstances) and wind up hooking up/sleeping together. He's totally not creepy, and makes me feel completely comfortable. He doesn't want me to leave afterwards -- really wants me to spend the night -- I agree, and leave on time for work the next day. Still, I feel (and maybe act) a little weird in the morning -- I may have inadvertently given off some weird/disinterested vibes (I tend to do this). The power outage continues over the next few days. He continues to contact me. Asks what I'm doing a few times, and I tell him I'm staying uptown for a few nights with friends who have power. We stay in touch, comparing notes about when power is returning. The power finally comes back late Friday night. Saturday, during the day he texts asking if I'd like to come over to watch a movie. The idea of "Date #2" taking place (again) at his house seems, at this point, still somewhat reasonable, since city transportation is still not working, neighborhood businesses are still shut down, neither of us have heat or internet ..... frankly the idea of cozily watching a movie with somebody sounds tempting. But I have a bunch of things to do, so I say: How about tomorrow or next week? And here's were I start to get concerned. He writes back: "Tomorrow. Sleepover again?" I'm thinking....whoah, that's a little presumptuous of him. I've clearly given him the wrong message. I barely know this guy. I'm not ready to casually to commit to a sleepover again like that. So I don't respond. He writes again that night (Saturday), just kind of updating me about transportation situation in the city. Useful information, but I wonder if he's trying to see what I'm doing that night. I wait until the next afternoon (Sunday) to respond, saying (attempting hint that maybe we should go OUT): "I don't think tonight is going to work for me. Maybe get a drink sometime this week?" After a bit of back and forth we plan for Thursday. It's all confirmed. And then today, Monday, he writes: "Wanna come over after work?" --- I realize I probably seem completely naive for thinking i could get away with sleeping with him on the first date and then wondering why he keeps asking me to come over. The thing is, I BARELY know him. We hung out for maybe 2 hours, before hooking up and then eventually going to sleep. Still, there was something about him that I liked. Despite all of this, I got a good vibe and he seemed like he could be a good prospect (and actually didn't seem like a total player). My question is, do I: (A) Say something directly, to try to clarify things. (i.e., "I'm not really looking for a casual hook-up situation at this point, but I'd love to get to know you better if you're interested") (B) Take a softer approach, perhaps by hinting: "Sooo, now that we don't have the hurricane as an excuse, maybe we should do something outside the house? :)" © Take the reins in terms of planning, to make sure our next meeting involves actually going out somewhere...maybe I could get a better read that way? (D) Forget this guy altogether. (E) Just chill out and hang out with him again (on his terms) and see what happens. Thanks!
mammasita Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Not sure if you can backtrack after giving up the goods. All you can do at this point is tell him like it is......I choose A.
tigressA Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Be honest and tell him you're not comfortable continuing the sleepovers, but that you'd like to continue getting to know him and suggest going out sometime. If he drops off the face of the earth after that, then you'll know he only wanted one thing, and better to know that sooner than later.
yongyong Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) This is my simple answer. Eg: you give the dog a cookie without doing him any work. Next time you tell him to do this and that to get a cookie. Would he gladly do it or say 'f-ck that' ? I read this thread on PUA forum talking about gaming girls in hurricane season. It was basically about recontacting girls you haven't banged by asking 'how are you doing in hurricane' I thought about sharing it here but I thought some people would get mad. Anyways, it could work for someone obviously. I am sure if everything was normal, you might have not slept with a guy? You were in dark, no power, cold so it made you to go over to his place without too much hesitation. (perfect situation and perfect logistics - smart move from the guy) Edited November 6, 2012 by yongyong
dasein Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Tell him you were victim of "Post Traumatic Sex Disorder" that you would consider seeing him again on a normal date, but the hurricane sleepover was a one time deal, and that there will have to be some meet, greet and get to know in the regular way before sleepovers get put back on the table. 1
Author citrusgreen Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Thanks so much for your responses. So, assuming I go Route A (or some variation thereof) do you think I should tell him now, via text? Or wait until Thursday (assuming we meet, as planned) and discuss there? On the one hand I feel like clarifying things now seems like it might yield the most honest response from him. On other hand it's really not my goal to come across as pushy/demanding....like, I'm not sure if it's ok to, essentially, "call him out on" something that I knowingly permitted to happen in the first place....
MrCastle Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 You've lost all your leverage. You already had sex with him. You can't sleep with him date one and then back out. He's going to expect sex from you everytime now. 2
tigressA Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 OP, you most certainly can back out of having sex with this guy whenever you want to. But realize that he can choose to back off from you in response given what's already taken place between you. You don't have to 'call him out'. I don't see what's confrontational or b*tchy about telling him you'd like to continue getting to know him without the sex. Seems like everyone is so afraid of coming off as pushy just for vocalizing their desires. One major reason dating is so effed these days.
SJC2008 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 It's funny how you put in bold you barely know him after he invites you back to his place after sleeping with him on the first date. He's a doctor so I'm sure if he's average or better looking he's got tons of options. He wants easy sex IMO so it's over unless you keep putting out.
dasein Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 On other hand it's really not my goal to come across as pushy/demanding....like, I'm not sure if it's ok to, essentially, "call him out on" something that I knowingly permitted to happen in the first place.... This is why you use the hurricane as a get out of jail card. If he's worth your time and genuinely interested in getting to know you, he'll understand. If not, he just wanted sex to begin with and up to you whether you are down with that. I don't think some posters realize what it's been like up there. Just like in wartime, people f like rabbits during trying, emotionally charged times. Find a warm body for comfort so to speak. It's why Will Ferrell got laid at funerals in that movie. If you sleep with him -again- before using the hurricane card to slow things down, though, agree with other posters. He will have a reasonable expectation of a continuing sexual relationship or may walk.
kaylan Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Its fine to tell him you want to go on more dates. I personally wouldnt bail on a girl I really liked. But if she decided to stop having sex with me, Id assume she wasnt that into me. If you were attracted enough to have sex in the first place, pulling away from him physically will send the wrong message. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Jeez, everyone with the black-n-white admonishment... The idea that "you gave it up too quick. its over if you don't keep sleeping with him" is hilarious. Though that is a minor possibility, it's not likely the case. People act like sex is the only motivating factor for a guy to spend time with a woman and that **** is ridiculous. It's possible and likely that you two sleeping together simply indicated to him that you like him and there's chemistry between you, so why not push to spend more time with you. Plus if were simply in it for sex he wouldn't have had you stay over and actually sleep there with him. He'd have suggested you leave. **** maybe he's a crazy outlier like me who just enjoys good female company and "romance" whether or not there's constant sex right off the bat. I'd go with plan a. I'd recommend being casual/playful about so it doesn't come off as being a dark or serious issue, cause it really isn't. People have sex. Especially in hurricane conditions.
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