Communications

[Realist3]

I'm bringing this topic up because in another thread there was a discussion about how PM's, or a private discussion off the board might be construed in an innappropriate way. But it goes further than that in the broader sense.

 

It seems that a good majority here believes that it is the right of a spouse to have access to emails, texts, phones, computers, Facebook accounts, etc. etc....

 

It may be the norm for some of you but there have been court caes settled where this is deemed to be illegal without consent.

 

I would never dream of trying to read my wife's emails, PM's, or whatever. People may be married but they are still individuals.

 

I'd be interested to know how this subject is broached with the posters here and their spouses.

[River Rain]

I agree. There has to be trust, and personally I don't want to control the man I'm with. He's allowed to have friends, either in real life or online.

 

If, however, there were instances of cheating or the like in the past, then I'd probably ask him to let me have the passwords for a while, if I were to stay with him that is.

[Spark1111]

Well, they say "People with nothing to hide....hide nothing!"

 

You cannot be held legally responsible for accessing a joint marital asset, such a lap top, cell phone, bank records, or computers to read your spouse's personal anything.

 

You can only be litigated IF you have accessed a company owned device as it, and the network it operates on, is private property of the company.

 

Companies fear theft of information and trade secrets for obvious reasons.

[woinlove]

I'm bringing this topic up because in another thread there was a discussion about how PM's, or a private discussion off the board might be construed in an innappropriate way. But it goes further than that in the broader sense.

 

It seems that a good majority here believes that it is the right of a spouse to have access to emails, texts, phones, computers, Facebook accounts, etc. etc....

 

It may be the norm for some of you but there have been court caes settled where this is deemed to be illegal without consent.

 

I would never dream of trying to read my wife's emails, PM's, or whatever. People may be married but they are still individuals.

 

I'd be interested to know how this subject is broached with the posters here and their spouses.

 

I probably have a different view than you in that I don't think of it as a "right" or what the courts order.

 

My H and I chose to be open and honest with each other and neither of us would like to get into a situation where we felt there was something in our personal life that we had to hide from the other. We do have access to each others accounts, but don't use that access unless the other asks us to (which happens every now and again). We share a lot because we enjoy each other's feedback and the intimacy it creates.

 

So, for us, it is how we like it. I would not want to hide anything I post here or PM here from my H. Others may have different levels of openness and honesty in their M. But I think most spouses would like to trust each other on issues surrounding infidelity and deception in that regard is likely to have a bad effect on the M.

 

I think what is important is that the two spouses agree on the level of openness and privacy. I don't think most view M as a matter of "rights" so much as a matter of respect, discussion, agreement, sometimes compromise.

[Spark1111]

I agree. There has to be trust, and personally I don't want to control the man I'm with. He's allowed to have friends, either in real life or online.

 

If, however, there were instances of cheating or the like in the past, then I'd probably ask him to let me have the passwords for a while, if I were to stay with him that is.

 

I agree. I respected my H's privacy completely, until he took advantage of it and had almost a two-year long affair with a co-worker he disguised as a man on his cell.

 

Once trust is violated like that,yes, he bent over backwards to give me the passwords to everything.

[Realist3]

Well, they say "People with nothing to hide....hide nothing!"

 

You cannot be held legally responsible for accessing a joint marital asset, such a lap top, cell phone, bank records, or computers to read your spouse's personal anything.

 

You can only be litigated IF you have accessed a company owned device as it, and the network it operates on, is private property of the company.

 

Companies fear theft of information and trade secrets for obvious reasons.

 

 

We are not talking about an asset here such as you mention. It is against federal law to access say an email account that is not yours without consent.

[Realist3]

The legal issue is consent, but what I am talking about more discussions like might happen here in private messages.

 

Do you share every single interaction regardless of the form or topic with your spouse?

[mercy]

I probably have a different view than you in that I don't think of it as a "right" or what the courts order.

 

My H and I chose to be open and honest with each other and neither of us would like to get into a situation where we felt there was something in our personal life that we had to hide from the other. We do have access to each others accounts, but don't use that access unless the other asks us to (which happens every now and again). We share a lot because we enjoy each other's feedback and the intimacy it creates.

 

So, for us, it is how we like it. I would not want to hide anything I post here or PM here from my H. Others may have different levels of openness and honesty in their M. But I think most spouses would like to trust each other on issues surrounding infidelity and deception in that regard is likely to have a bad effect on the M.

 

I think what is important is that the two spouses agree on the level of openness and privacy. I don't think most view M as a matter of "rights" so much as a matter of respect, discussion, agreement, sometimes compromise.

 

You say things in such a beautiful way!

 

And not because I think you think just like me! :p

[woinlove]

The legal issue is consent, but what I am talking about more discussions like might happen here in private messages.

 

Do you share every single interaction regardless of the form or topic with your spouse?

 

We don't share every single interaction, but not out of wanting to hide anything, rather out of it having a low relevancy and/or interest to the other.

 

To bring in the example that appears to have stimulated this thread: if my H were to privately help another woman understand how a husband who had an A thinks, then, yes, we both would consider that something to share with each other.

[Realist3]

We don't share every single interaction, but not out of wanting to hide anything, rather out of it having a low relevancy and/or interest to the other.

 

To bring in the example that appears to have stimulated this thread: if my H were to privately help another woman understand how a husband who had an A thinks, then, yes, we both would consider that something to share with each other.

 

So you would expect him to come to you and say, "I talked to a woman today on the Infidelity board about how a husband thinks." And then you would go read that out of curiosity?

[frozensprouts]

We both share the same laptop, and we both have access to each others email facebook, etc. That doesn't mean we use that access, but he knows my passwords and i know his. he has his friends that he goes out with sometimes and i have mine

 

works for us

[mercy]

The legal issue is consent, but what I am talking about more discussions like might happen here in private messages.

 

Do you share every single interaction regardless of the form or topic with your spouse?

 

I read the other thread you're speaking of, I have to be honest I was stunned by the request of the poster. I'm sure it was innocent, but really?

 

I am an open book to my h as he is to me. I never feel the need to snoop but that door is always open to both of us if we ever feel the need.

 

I have a strict policy of never pm'ing with men.

[woinlove]

So you would expect him to come to you and say, "I talked to a woman today on the Infidelity board about how a husband thinks." And then you would go read that out of curiosity?

 

Difficult to imagine why he would ever do that, but if he did, yes, I would expect him to tell me, and he would expect likewise.

[Ninja'sHusband]

If a spouse has proven themselves to be a lying cheater and still wants to keep secrets...then yes trust is gone and they probably should just split. There's no way a betrayed spouse should ever trust a proven liar who is hiding things. It's ridiculous to think that a WS should expect them to keep that trust without rebuilding. "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

You don't rebuild trust by hiding things. You rebuild it by being open and honest. And trust has been destroyed...yes, in a good marriage there is trust, but the WS cheated; this is not a good marriage anymore. You have to rebuild it.

 

I think expecting privacy in a loving marriage is just silly...you love this person right? trust them with your heart and soul? You want to share your whole life with them? They trust(ed) you with their heart and soul? They want to share their whole life with you? When that openness and love goes away...RED FLAG!

[Snowflower]

I know what thread your referencing and that was a weird situation that was more than a bit odd. In fact, several posts were pulled down because they referenced meeting up on other forums/websites.

 

It was inappropriate because the op of that thread had not even been honest with his wife about his affair. Another poster wanted to discuss things privately with him thereby encouraging the secrecy.

[Realist3]

I know what thread your referencing and that was a weird situation that was more than a bit odd. In fact, several posts were pulled down because they referenced meeting up on other forums/websites.

 

It was inappropriate because the op of that thread had not even been honest with his wife about his affair. Another poster wanted to discuss things privately with him thereby encouraging the secrecy.

 

I confess that I did not read the whole interaction.

[ComingInHot]

Realist;

Yep. I am an open book to my husband. It is liberating in SO many ways!!

He knows it All and I love that. I enjoy having nothing to hide*

 

My husband is now feeling the same way. He said he was literally sick w/the hiding & lying. So much so that he was worried he would have a heart attack and he's not old yet!!*

 

Because we have no secrets from each other, we have this two member only club and are having the best time yet*

 

It works for us

[BetrayedH]

I think pre- and post-infidelity are just two totally different situations. I trusted my wife implicitly before he affair. I discovered the clues completely on accident, decided to investigate, and was horribly conflicted about it until I discovered 17 hotel stays. Kind of a game changer. Never felt conflicted about it again and during our reconciliation I told her I wanted the liberty to investigate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without any need to notify her. She agreed because she was smart enough to know that when I investigated and found nothing, she won and so did the marriage.

 

Sadly, she underestimated the power of hypervigilance and I kept discovering more lies. The last one did us in. Being untrustworthy is the problem, not the transparency.

[Furious]

Well, they say "People with nothing to hide....hide nothing!"

 

So true Spark!

[todreaminblue]

I'm bringing this topic up because in another thread there was a discussion about how PM's, or a private discussion off the board might be construed in an innappropriate way. But it goes further than that in the broader sense.

 

It seems that a good majority here believes that it is the right of a spouse to have access to emails, texts, phones, computers, Facebook accounts, etc. etc....

 

It may be the norm for some of you but there have been court caes settled where this is deemed to be illegal without consent.

 

I would never dream of trying to read my wife's emails, PM's, or whatever. People may be married but they are still individuals.

 

I'd be interested to know how this subject is broached with the posters here and their spouses.

 

 

When my ex started to treat me with disdain and wasnt open i checked his phone had been through it before knew the signs....i never owned a mobile didn't need one he contacted me at home.......i used to show him the sites i was on.......let him read my poetry, read it aloud to him....my friends would send messages to his phone and he would pass them on to me.I have never been clingy and never checked his emails he never checked mine.....i wasnt the cheat in the relationship.

 

when things went south total lack of communication and trust followed.I would expect equality in any future relationship i have.....deb

[Cb3657]

This kinda reminds me of the pre /post nup conversation. If you have to trot out your legal rights to your SO you are already in a bad place. it is certainly your legal right to keep your privacy and if you want privacy and complete independence of action then keep those things and stay single, why get married, why not have a FWB or a legal partnership agreement.

To me being married means the ability to share, I make it a policy to not write anything I would not be ok with her reading, and really what harm does this do to me, if I moderate myself due to this that likely means I was going to say something I wouldn't want anyone to read.

[Realist3]

I think pre- and post-infidelity are just two totally different situations. I trusted my wife implicitly before he affair. I discovered the clues completely on accident, decided to investigate, and was horribly conflicted about it until I discovered 17 hotel stays. Kind of a game changer. Never felt conflicted about it again and during our reconciliation I told her I wanted the liberty to investigate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without any need to notify her. She agreed because she was smart enough to know that when I investigated and found nothing, she won and so did the marriage.

 

Sadly, she underestimated the power of hypervigilance and I kept discovering more lies. The last one did us in. Being untrustworthy is the problem, not the transparency.

 

 

See, I don't think pre or post would make a difference to me. I'm not her overlord and she is not mine.

 

As I have previously disclosed I am in a longterm affair that my wife knows about and she has never aksed for passwords or whatever. That is our personal space. I coulkd not imagine trying to read every email or text trying to parse the meanings. It just sems so meaningless.

[Saba]

See, I don't think pre or post would make a difference to me. I'm not her overlord and she is not mine.

 

As I have previously disclosed I am in a longterm affair that my wife knows about and she has never aksed for passwords or whatever. That is our personal space. I coulkd not imagine trying to read every email or text trying to parse the meanings. It just sems so meaningless.

 

I have not read about your situation (except what is in this thread). I don't think a comparison can be made between an 'arrangement' (where both marriage partners agree to a non-monogamous relationship) and an affair. The arrangement is based on truth, the affair is based on deception. if your wife still trusts you she would have no need to check up on you.

[seren]

It's not that I insist or look at H's email's, mobile texts messages or anything else addressed to him alone, it's that if I wanted to, I could as there are no restrictions either of us have placed on our 'stuff'. The only thing I have asked H not to peek into is the book I am writing, at least until it is finished.

 

Even after D Day I didn't impose any privacy rules, all the privacy and blocking in the world won't stop an A if someone wants one. In fact, I would imagine feeling constantly watched, told what to do and restriction could be detrimental to reconciling. Boundaries, sure, but restriction is another thing altogether, seems more like policing.

[waterwoman]

realist - I agree with you in principle. 100%. H and I have been together for nearly 30 years, married for 20. We had trust and respected each other's privacy. Because there was no reason not to. But by the time I checked H's phone for texts I was going mad with confusion and worry. He fully admits that if I hadn't found the texts the affair would probably have continued and our marriage would have slowly starved to death.

 

I don't like that I did that but the issue was that I felt the need to,not that I did it. But that is an issue for the both of us, not just me, the one who invaded his privacy. Since I discovered the affair his phone has been available to me 24/7. But I haven't checked it more than perhaps twice. It isn't something I plan to make a habit of.

 

It sounds as if your W is fully aware of what is going on and is OK with it. You aren't giving her any reason not to trust you. Not the same situation as most people who discover infidelity.