i just had gay sex with an old man in a pitch dark room and now i feel like ****.

November 5, 2012

aw man. I was never good with girls.

I started toying around with the idea of how attractive i am to gay men. I posted a picture on m4m casual encounters on craigslist, and i got a lot of replies. It felt so invigorating when i email men, some of whom want me so bad that they send me multiple emails in quick successions. I've never felt so desired before.

long story short, eventually I just wanted to experience intimacy and pleasure, and i thought it's no big deal to do it with a man since i can't get girls. I ended up exchanging emails with a 45 year old man. I chose him because he was close and he was very eager for me. The deal was 1)the room has to be black, 2)he has to remain totally silent, 3)i will not reciprocate in any way, i will just lie there and close my eyes, 4) nothing up my butt, but he could kiss/touch anywhere else except making out.

As i drove over to his place, i was feeling horny. Not for men, but just to be touched. But as i stepped through the door my heart was pounding, and when i opened the door to the pitch black room where he was sitting, i saw a glimpse of how he looked and it sickened me. He was an unshapely old man. But i got this far, and i had social anxiety. I didn't want a confrontation where I backed away and ran. It was actually easier to just walk in, undress, and lay down and forget.

Throughout the whole experience I was very detached. I laid face down, and he massaged me with oil. I treated it as a normal massage that i would get from a professional, he was quite good. That changed when he started kissing me. It made me shiver when he started kissing the back of my neck. The physical sensations were nice, but receiving it from someone i was completely turned off by was not.

Things progressed. I laid there. He touched and kissed a lot. I felt vulnerable when he would put his hands on my genitals. Then he started sucking. Time passes by, and I just stared at the ceiling. My eye adjusted to the darkness and I can see him decently... so I closed my eyes instead and tried to think of women. I couldn't really do it. I couldn't cum, i wasn't even close. After an hour of sucking I just told him "ok we're done." He said "Ok" in a kind of disappointed voice. As I got dressed, he asked for a hug. That's weird, but i don't want to be mean. He asked how the massage was, I said he was really good. As i got dressed he hugged me tightly from behind, and complimented me on my body, and that i have good genetics. I told him i'm too skinny and need to work out, he chuckled, then said "well if you ever want to play again... you have my number." I muttered ok, and got the **** out of there.

This was 2 hours ago. The first thing I did when i drove(speeded) back home was take a very thorough shower. I thought it was a good experience at first, because it was the first time another human being showed that much desire for me. But now I'm feeling like a victim. Even though it was my choice and he was respectful. Or perhaps victim is the wrong word. But I just don't feel good.

Why don't I feel good? what's wrong? It was just an experience, right? No harm done? I shouldn't feel bad at all..... right?

November 5, 2012

Take it from someone who is transgender and bisexual... one dose not choose to be non-heterosexual and/or non-standard gendered. It just is who one is.

People can choose to toe the line and stay in the closet, that does not mean a hard on their love luck straight can just be gay. It dosen't work that way.

I thought everyone including religious folks understood that much by now.

Edited November 6, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 5, 2012

WTF, why not just go get a lap dance or something if you're that desperate. I don't understand how intimacy with someone you don't care about...even with an attractive girl....can feel fulfilling though. Never-mind with some fat old man. Holy crap man, if you were that bad off, you could have gone to Mexico to blowjob bars and get a BJ for less than $20us. Lots of risk involved, but probably not as much as what you did here.

November 5, 2012

WTF, why not just go get a lap dance or something if you're that desperate. I don't understand how intimacy with someone you don't care about...even with an attractive girl....can feel fulfilling though. Never-mind with some fat old man. Holy crap man, if you were that bad off, you could have gone to Mexico to blowjob bars and get a BJ for less than $20us. Lots of risk involved, but probably not as much as what you did here.

if i pay for it, it feels fake.. i've done it before. the only time i've had sex was through prostitutes. i wanted someone that have sex with me because they really wanted me.

i guess i got what i wanted.

right now i think i never want to have an orgasm again.

November 5, 2012

you'll be okay. You made a mistake and dipped in the penis pool. Forgive yourself and never do it again if it makes you feel like that.

November 6, 2012

You know there are women out there especially those on Craigslist who are open to having sex with random strangers. What possessed you to stoop as low as going for a gay one night stand?

November 6, 2012

yea? and where can i find these women? you realize women have their inboxes instantly bombarded the moment they make a post so as a guy you really really have to stand out because they have so many choices. and if you make an ad of your own, you'll just get no responses without being attractive enough that you can just get laid without craigslist.

whatever.

thanks sweetkiwi. you're a woman. and you're talking to me. that reassures me in my masculinity. thank you for posting in my thread. i love you.

November 6, 2012

You know there are women out there especially those on Craigslist who are open to having sex with random strangers. What possessed you to stoop as low as going for a gay one night stand?

True, but its 1 Craigslist woman looking for nsa for every 30 Craigslist man looking for nsa.

Oh well, you did it OP. Now look forward. Do whatever you can to improve yourself as a prospect for women, and in the meantime visit a hooker or even check out a 'grab a granny' nite at a mature age venue.

November 6, 2012

listen op i am a woman and i have a good understanding of women. You will get shot down 99 out of 100 times so you just have to keep trying.

Its hard i bet for most men. Women want to be impressed and wowed and ignored all in the same instant. That makes for a difficult situation. Which is why i preach to my girlfriends about going and getting what they want. Because i promise some girl has wanted you and just never done anything about it. So don't give up on dating. Whether its men or women or both.

November 6, 2012

Because i promise some girl has wanted you and just never done anything about it. So don't give up on dating. Whether its men or women or both.

This is so true. Many chronically single guys are just unable to notice the women who are into them.

November 6, 2012

I agree with kiwi. What's done is done. Most people on this planet have done something they are not proud of. Just forget yours and move forward. I would prefer you to someone who goes for hookers to be honest.

November 6, 2012

yea? and where can i find these women? you realize women have their inboxes instantly bombarded the moment they make a post so as a guy you really really have to stand out because they have so many choices. and if you make an ad of your own, you'll just get no responses without being attractive enough that you can just get laid without craigslist.

whatever.

thanks I have . you're a woman. and you're talking to me. that reassures me in my masculinity. thank you for posting in my thread. i love you.

So you are going to let a select few strangers' rejection define you and dictate your attractiveness as a man? If that's the case, the few times I've been rejected by a man I would've prompted me to commit suicide.

If there's any definitive case where a person should learn to love himself first, it's you. There are always alternatives. And until you stated fully how you've exhausted all of them, I can't agree with what you did. Hopefully you used some form of protecction.wh

November 6, 2012

Actuallly this is more common that you may think.

I dont know how old the OP is but there is a significant number of people who experiment with the question if they are gay or not. Women more than men have experimented because women get much more emotionally close to their friends so them sleeping together can happen.

Its more accepting now than in past generations so people are more likely to see what happens.

My ppersonal belief....

a certain percentage are born gay and a certain percentage are born straight (5 % on each end). The rest of us it based on your upbringing and your experiences and biology. You may look and someone and just assume they are gay..but they end up they are not. In pert these people likely could have become gay based on being raised differently.

If someone hasnt had any success with relationships they are more prone to experiment in this.

Edited November 6, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted reference to deleted post

November 6, 2012

What did I say that was shallow? I said "top picks". Nothing about bust size, waist size, hip size, hair color, weight, etc.

If you wanna take down the king baby girl, gonna have to try harder than that.

Shallow is subjective. Wanting top picks means wanting hot girls and that's shallow. Let's face it, would you go for a woman with the waist to hip ratio '1'? Never, I know what you like! Height is the same thing for some women.

November 6, 2012

Actuallly this is more common that you may think.

I dont know how old the OP is but there is a significant number of people who experiment with the question if they are gay or not. Women more than men have experimented because women get much more emotionally close to their friends so them sleeping together can happen.

Its more accepting now than in past generations so people are more likely to see what happens.

My ppersonal belief....

a certain percentage are born gay and a certain percentage are born straight (5 % on each end). The rest of us it based on your upbringing and your experiences and biology. You may look and someone and just assume they are gay..but they end up they are not. In pert these people likely could have become gay based on being raised differently.

If someone hasnt had any success with relationships they are more prone to experiment in this.

Be that as it may, OP was never attracted to men. He was just longing for sexual contact with another human being. He made a thread last night about wanting to experience how a blowjob felt, whose lips they were didn't matter to him.

This is why I find it hard to believe. If you're striking out with women, even if you question in your mind that you may be gay--have sex with a woman first.

It goes against every moral fiber I have, but Kaylan was right in suggesting a female escort over a gay guy. THEN if he didn't feel any sexual attraction to the escort, maybe start questioning your sexuality.

November 6, 2012

Mixed thoughts on this. Part of me believes it's fake too because no straight man decides to have gay sex just to do it.

But I disagree that sex is easy to get. I agree it's not as hard as some make it seem, but you said yourself about not having a top pick. All I want is top picks. That's all I'm attracted to. It's not easy if you're not willing to lower your standards.

Youve just agreed with me.

If sex with someone who desires him is all the OP really wanted, then he could have easily found a female to have sex with him besides a gay old guy. The gay old guy isnt a top pick, so I dont think top picks is in the OPs concern.

While I agree its not easy to get sex from those you truly desire most of the time, I still think getting any sex in general is easy. But you then have to drop your standards. In OPs case, standards are low, so there was no need for him to hook up with an old man

Actuallly this is more common that you may think.

I dont know how old the OP is but there is a significant number of people who experiment with the question if they are gay or not. Women more than men have experimented because women get much more emotionally close to their friends so them sleeping together can happen.

Its more accepting now than in past generations so people are more likely to see what happens.

My ppersonal belief....

a certain percentage are born gay and a certain percentage are born straight (5 % on each end). The rest of us it based on your upbringing and your experiences and biology. You may look and someone and just assume they are gay..but they end up they are not. In pert these people likely could have become gay based on being raised differently.

If someone hasnt had any success with relationships they are more prone to experiment in this.

Untrue. More guys experiment than you think. All you have to do is look at craigslist to see how many guys are on the down low. I made a post in the strictly platonic section of CL looking for men and women to make new friends with, and even then I had creepers messaging me for a hook up. And they tried to call themselves straight and bi-curious. This made me have to go out of my way to edit my post and tell people looking for sex to back the hell off.

Id say as many guys experiment as women, if not more. You only think women do it more because women are not afraid to be public about it, due to the double standard men face in regards to homosexuality and bisexuality in our society.

PS - Theres really no hard data on percentages of peoples natural sexual orientation. Nature is as strong an influence on behavior as nurture. So we will never know the answer to that question.

Shallow is subjective. Wanting top picks means wanting hot girls and that's shallow. Let's face it, would you go for a woman with the waist to hip ratio '1'? Never, I know what you like! Height is the same thing for some women.

Wouldnt Shoulder to waist ratio in men be comparable to hip to waist ration in women? Id say height in men is comparable with weight in women (and to a lesser extent female height as guys do like shorter women).

Edited November 6, 2012 by kaylan

November 6, 2012

Youve just agreed with me.

Id say as many guys experiment as women, if not more. You only think women do it more because women are not afraid to be public about it, due to the double standard men face in regards to homosexuality and bisexuality in our society.

PS - Theres really no hard data on percentages of peoples natural sexual orientation. Nature is as strong an influence on behavior as nurture. So we will never know the answer to that question.
Wouldnt Shoulder to waist ratio in men be comparable to hip to waist ration in women? Id say height in men is comparable with weight in women (and to a lesser extent female height as guys do like shorter women).

Like I said it was my own theory.....They say some people are just born gay. With others there is potential---it just depends on their own nature/nurture/situation.

I recall reading an article in a magazine called the sciences around 20 years ago that actually talked about redefining sex...part of this touched on people born "trapped" and another part talked about screwed up chromosomes likeXXY or XXXY. A few years ago there was an athlete who was one of these intersexes who wanted to compete as a woman.

As for online/craigslist stuff. I think there is a distinction with men than with women in part because they can separate sex from the emotions.

I wouldnt count guys who are on craigslist who are willing to get a BJ or just top a guy as necessarily being all that experimental. Fundamentally is there a difference between the mouth or ass of a man being all that different from a womans? How much different than something you can get at an adult toy store? Unlike the OP, the guys who do it can separate that.

I also agree guys tend to be much more experimental than women when it comes to trying new things.

The key here is separating the act from having a relationship. This is where the % of women is higher is when it comes to actually considering a relationship or experimenting more with that where they are with just one person. With guys its rare they would actually get into a relationship with someone they met off of craigslist, adult friendfinder, or some other website.

November 6, 2012

Take it from someone who is transgender and bisexual... one dose not choose to be non-heterosexual and/or non-standard gendered. It just is who one is.

People can choose to toe the line and stay in the closet, that does not mean a hard on their love luck straight can just be gay. It dosen't work that way.

I thought everyone including religious folks understood that much by now.

or we can go by the other theory on sexuality that orientation isn't concrete, black/white, and no one is born any particular way.

Most people seem to have a dominant orientation. Outside of that there isn't anything definite you can say even the previous statement wasn't.

November 6, 2012

When I was younger because of not being able to get a woman and having no access to porn, which ment as a result feeling really sexually frustrated, I did feel very tempted to do sexual stuff with a man too. On the one hand it felt like it'd be great, on the other hand though it kinda repulsed me.

November 6, 2012

you'll be okay. You made a mistake and dipped in the penis pool. Forgive yourself and never do it again if it makes you feel like that.

Socrushed, why??? Why did you do that?!!! What were you thinking??? You could have gotten really hurt. Please don't put yourself in danger like that!!!

I agree with SweetKiwi. You're gonna be ok. If you didn't like what you did, forgive yourself.

I understand why you want love and affection. They are beautiful. I understand why you don't feel that with prostitutes.

You're not alone.

Please don't give up; don't stay in the pit of despair. Focus on making a positive difference in the world and growing. Train your mind to think about the bigger picture. As you help others and grow, I wouldn't be surprised if a wonderful lady comes into your life who gives you sex and love and affection. Please don't give up. Please help others and grew.

November 6, 2012

Socrushed, why??? Why did you do that?!!! What were you thinking??? You could have gotten really hurt. Please don't put yourself in danger like that!!!

I agree with SweetKiwi. You're gonna be ok. If you didn't like what you did, forgive yourself.

I understand why you want love and affection. They are beautiful. I understand why you don't feel that with prostitutes.

You're not alone.

Please don't give up; don't stay in the pit of despair. Focus on making a positive difference in the world and growing. Train your mind to think about the bigger picture. As you help others and grow, I wouldn't be surprised if a wonderful lady comes into your life who gives you sex and love and affection. Please don't give up. Please help others and grew.

i feel pretty grossed out now when i think about a pudgey old man using me. I hated how he said "can i get a hug" and i just agreed because i didn't want confrontation. except this hug was from someone who wanted me sexually, while i just wanted to get out of there. then he hugged me from behind as i was dressing without asking and said i have a nice body. I guess it's stupid to be complaining about that because this all happened after he's been sucking on me for an hour.

i don't need to forgive myself. i don't blame myself for it. i still don't feel good regardless. i know im not a victim and i made my own choice. but why do i still feel like a victim? is this how women feel sometimes?

November 6, 2012

I know this isn't helping but http://www.troll.me/images/jackie-chan/dafuq.jpg

Seriously OP?

I've heard of mistakes but damn man, that's pretty messed up I don't know if I could live with myself if I did something like that. I can't forget tiny insignificant things so something like this would be just hellish. Everyday of my life my mind will make sure to remind me of what I did, just thinking about that is just painful.

November 6, 2012

i know im not a victim and i made my own choice. but why do i still feel like a victim? is this how women feel sometimes?

Yes - it's called feeling VIOLATED. You went in thinking you wanted someone to touch you. But it wasn't really what you wanted. You ended up feeling used and like a sexual object and dirty.

You weren't RAPED. As you said, it was your choice to try it. But when you realized it wasn't working for you and you were grossed out, you didn't stand up and walk out. Instead you laid there and let him continue even as you were trying not to freak out and just trying to stay detached.

The issue is you WEREN'T really detached. And now that you've gotten out of the situation, you are feeling all the feelings you were really feeling in that moment.

You'll get past it. It was a learning experience, and now you know that doing it that way doesn't work for you.

November 6, 2012

I know this isn't helping but http://www.troll.me/images/jackie-chan/dafuq.jpg

Seriously OP?

I've heard of mistakes but damn man, that's pretty messed up I don't know if I could live with myself if I did something like that. I can't forget tiny insignificant things so something like this would be just hellish. Everyday of my life my mind will make sure to remind me of what I did, just thinking about that is just painful.

well, i've always be a more open and strong person i guess. I'm still here, and it's not like i'm crying in the bathroom showers in a fetal position. It's just a lingering feeling of disgust when i think of the memories.

Yes - it's called feeling VIOLATED. You went in thinking you wanted someone to touch you. But it wasn't really what you wanted. You ended up feeling used and like a sexual object and dirty.

You weren't RAPED. As you said, it was your choice to try it. But when you realized it wasn't working for you and you were grossed out, you didn't stand up and walk out. Instead you laid there and let him continue even as you were trying not to freak out and just trying to stay detached.

The issue is you WEREN'T really detached. And now that you've gotten out of the situation, you are feeling all the feelings you were really feeling in that moment.

You'll get past it. It was a learning experience, and now you know that doing it that way doesn't work for you.

I did eventually stand up and walk out. I suppose you meant that I did not follow my first instinct to walk away the moment I saw how gross he looked when I opened the door to his room.

I am exchanging emails with another man. He is saying that he could work this out so i will never have to see him, and i will be blind folded. I admit that despite my feelings of disgust, the physical sensation itself were nice and i never get to experience that because i can't get girls. And even if i do get girls, i probably won't feel as lusted after as some guys would. They seem to really have a fetish for skinny asian "boys".... that's how they see me :/. Kind of creepy when you think about it...

But my last email to him after several exchanges was simply that I changed my mind, and i just want a woman instead. He responded with an ESSAY saying why i shouldn't feel ashamed and etc etc etc. He brought up possibly bringing other guys and girls.

So i told him. if he could get me a woman, i will go through with it.

Am i being stupid?

November 6, 2012

well, i've always be a more open and strong person i guess. I'm still here, and it's not like i'm crying in the bathroom showers in a fetal position. It's just a lingering feeling of disgust when i think of the memories.

I did eventually stand up and walk out. I suppose you meant that I did not follow my first instinct to walk away the moment I saw how gross he looked when I opened the door to his room.

I am exchanging emails with another man. He is saying that he could work this out so i will never have to see him, and i will be blind folded. I admit that despite my feelings of disgust, the physical sensation itself were nice and i never get to experience that because i can't get girls. And even if i do get girls, i probably won't feel as lusted after as some guys would. They seem to really have a fetish for skinny asian "boys".... that's how they see me :/. Kind of creepy when you think about it...

But my last email to him after several exchanges was simply that I changed my mind, and i just want a woman instead. He responded with an ESSAY saying why i shouldn't feel ashamed and etc etc etc. He brought up possibly bringing other guys and girls.

So i told him. if he could get me a woman, i will go through with it.

Am i being stupid?

Yes you are.

Go and talk to some girls.

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i just had gay sex with an old man in a pitch dark room and now i feel like ****.

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