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It isn't always about the grass. Over 10 years of experience (Questions Welcome)

dreamstate83

By dreamstate83
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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I have never hated my exes even though they have both done crappy things.........In my past I am the furthest from an angel that could be and they both know my past ........i am the last to judge them...i don't need to judge them ....i am responsible only for my actions .....and i was forgiven so i forgive ......At one stage I was going to try to resurrect my relationship with my ex ..he had told me he stuffed up with me and he did many times..I am glad I didn't go back.......It would have been for my family and not for me.It would have been a case of me accepting the fact i didn't feel anyone could know me and understand me and my ultimate fear of falling in love with someone else and caring and trusting someone new......my exes love was conditional mine was unconditional love and that made us incompatible...he took advantage of that love and that put me at a disadvantage .......

 

 

I needed time to see that it happened for a reason our break up.........I do deserve to get what i give...and as i tell everybody who calls me a soft touch.......one day Ill get it back maybe not straight away but if you do good by others good will happen to you........i don't believe in the grass is greener because the further you go looking for it.....the further you are away from home........and home is where the heart is...by the time you get back from searching for greener pastures, you realize that all you needed to do was water your own grass to make it greener if you want different you can change your own view work on yoru own perspective....do some personal growth, not expect your other half to.That thought saves time and heartache in my opinion.....deb

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21flames Established Member

21flames

Posted
Posted
I have never hated my exes even though they have both done crappy things.........In my past I am the furthest from an angel that could be and they both know my past ........i am the last to judge them...i don't need to judge them ....i am responsible only for my actions .....and i was forgiven so i forgive ......At one stage I was going to try to resurrect my relationship with my ex ..he had told me he stuffed up with me and he did many times..I am glad I didn't go back.......It would have been for my family and not for me.It would have been a case of me accepting the fact i didn't feel anyone could know me and understand me and my ultimate fear of falling in love with someone else and caring and trusting someone new......my exes love was conditional mine was unconditional love and that made us incompatible...he took advantage of that love and that put me at a disadvantage .......

 

 

I needed time to see that it happened for a reason our break up.........I do deserve to get what i give...and as i tell everybody who calls me a soft touch.......one day Ill get it back maybe not straight away but if you do good by others good will happen to you........i don't believe in the grass is greener because the further you go looking for it.....the further you are away from home........and home is where the heart is...by the time you get back from searching for greener pastures, you realize that all you needed to do was water your own grass to make it greener if you want different you can change your own view work on yoru own perspective....do some personal growth, not expect your other half to.That thought saves time and heartache in my opinion.....deb

 

That's some great thoughts there.

 

I think when people finally get back to their own grass it has all died and they realise how much time they have wasted and how much water it will need to start looking like it was!

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dreamstate83 Established Member

dreamstate83

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hey 21flames, love the sig

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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I think you got me all wrong about the posting. My concern isn't the posting.

 

My concern is that you may be trying to convince yourself of something while being in pain.

 

We're just trying to help here.

I personally would not want to post such things if i truly felt that way.

 

But if this is how you feel then good for you. I just hope its not some secret cry for help. Ive seen it before.

 

Exactly. I don't dislike the poster, I just feel like he's trying too hard to project a front instead of being honest with himself. I think he's trying to be brave but I also feel like it's going to blow up and get ugly. There's something that seems fake about his reactions. I can't blame him -- it's easy to try to project strength when you are feeling hurt and he wouldn't be the first to do so. But you don't write a sappy letter to the ex and post about doing backflips about her hooking up with some other guy in the same manner she did with you and act like it's some good thing if you are really over her. That dog don't hunt.

 

I'm sure the OP is a good guy. I just don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

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suladas Established Member

suladas

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Posted
Exactly. I don't dislike the poster, I just feel like he's trying too hard to project a front instead of being honest with himself. I think he's trying to be brave but I also feel like it's going to blow up and get ugly. There's something that seems fake about his reactions. I can't blame him -- it's easy to try to project strength when you are feeling hurt and he wouldn't be the first to do so. But you don't write a sappy letter to the ex and post about doing backflips about her hooking up with some other guy in the same manner she did with you and act like it's some good thing if you are really over her. That dog don't hunt.

 

I'm sure the OP is a good guy. I just don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

 

Agreed. It's much easier to just be honest with yourself. I post in this section when i'm having a hard time, I don't compare myself to others how they cope, etc because it doesn't matter. You feel how you feel and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

I do agree to that the OP seems to have a front to hide his true feelings.

21flames Established Member

21flames

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I have never hated my exes even though my exes love was conditional mine was unconditional love and that made us incompatible...he took advantage of that love and that put me at a disadvantage .......

 

I can relate to that totally I think the hate has gone because like you I wasn't an angel either but I'm sure my love was unconditional, I never expected anything off her or gave to receive or her to have to do things to have my love.

 

It's sad because selfish lovers like that will just take and move on to the next and take off them and and keep doing it, well in my ex's case.

 

When one gives conditional and the other unconditional it will never work, nothing will ever be enough for the conditional lover and that will make the unconditional lover feel deeply unhappy, used and not appreciated and they will give up to a certain degree ( Well I did, I suppose you do too when she is ditattched and you suspect there is someone else )

Edited by 21flames
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21flames Established Member

21flames

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hey 21flames, love the sig

 

It has strong meaning to me, especially finding it during this hard time, I'm getting a tattoo made up with it, got a few design ideas.

blue_jay_bird Established Member

blue_jay_bird

Posted
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This is a story about how sometimes the grass is greener, and sometimes it has nothing to do with the grass at all. Some of you are bitter towards me on these forums, and wonder how I can be so kind to my current ex after all she's done. Maybe this will give you some insight.

 

As someone who is grieving over lost love, it's easy to get wrapped up in tactics and strategies to pull our loved ones back in. Take a look at your google search results. how many links over the past weeks are now a familiar purple? You start wondering if there is a magic cure. You wonder if there is something to "The Grass Is Greener" syndrome. Maybe they are just sick, and once they heal they will come back? You continue searching everything you can. Somewhere on the internet is the answer. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. You will be in a cycle looking for answers that don't exist until you are exhausted and give up. It's the nature of the beast.

 

I have a story I want to share with you about a girl named Jennifer. Ah Jennifer, the high school sweet heart. We were friends first, and then fell hard and fast in love. Before you knew it, several years had passed. I loved that girl with everything in me, and would have caught a bullet with my beating heart to save her life. Once enough time had passed, she began thinking about her future and if I was a part of it. We were both growing as people, and she had doubts. Her friends were already married, but here I was - the 19 year old boy who still worked cash in hand and lived with mommy. This is what I believe to be the grass is greener moment. Her doubts eventually consumed her, and she began picking apart every detail in our relationship until she convinced herself that there was better out there - and there was! She left me for someone she worked with. A really nice guy who had his career on track and a heart of gold. I still remember the embarrassing things I did to try and get her back to this day. Eventually, I gave up. I looked at this guy who was so much better than me and said "You know what, I'm going to be that guy.". So I gathered my things and moved on from the girl I was in love with.

 

My first true love was gone, and so I had to be in it for me. I opened a business doing pc repairs while I worked for a very lucrative customer service firm on the side. Money was coming in, and life was going really well for me. My ex didn't have the slightest as to what I had been up to, and yet one day I heard a knock on my door. It was her - and she was an emotional wreck. You see, the guy she traded me up for? He was much better than I. He could have offered her a world I never imagined. She said "I had to break up with him, because I love you. I know you aren't rich, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. Please give me a second chance". I took a few days to weigh the pros and cons as to how she would fit into my new lifestyle, and took her back. For her, the grass was MUCH greener on the other side. I guess sometimes when we hop the fence we forgot where we left our shoes ;)

 

We were doing really good for a long time - about 8 months I want to say? I started looking for engagement rings. I was going to marry this girl. I called her parents for permission and they happily accepted. I proposed to her on a beach at dusk. I always was the hopeless romantic! So we were engaged to be married. After a few months of complete and absolute bliss, something happened to me that I could not explain. Now I was the one looking to the future and what I would want out of it. I began to question if I was somehow missing out on something by being married at such a young age. That's when it happened. I began to pick apart our relationship and find all the faults in it. I began to tell myself that somewhere out there in this unexplored world there was more for me. My journey could start here. This doesn't have to be me for the rest of my life - I can really go out and be someone. I began to change. The way I carried myself, the way I spoke with people, the things that I found humor in. Everything. I was no longer the me I knew.

 

I met someone that really clicked with the new me, and for a moment I was scared. I looked back at this girl I had spent over 5 years dedicating my life to and it didn't look the same anymore. How could this be? I loved her with all of my heart! What's wrong with me? I struggled for a month and I'm sure Jenny could see the signs of my distancing. You see, the new me that I had become - this now foreign reflection of myself - had fallen in love with another woman. One who understood the new me and could help me expand upon myself even further. The sky was the limit. This new woman was so vastly different, so alluring, so...fantastic! It was the sweetest poison I've ever tasted. The new girl was bad for me, and I liked it.

 

I remember sitting in my car one night and calling Jennifer. I could have gone to her house, but it was late and it could not wait. The conversation went something like this:

 

Me: "Jenny, we need to talk."

Her: "Hey babe what's up?"

Me: "You are not going to like this, and I'
m
incredibly sorry that I have to break this to you. I've thought long and hard, and this isn't working for me anymore."

Her: (now starting to cry) "What???? What do you mean? Don't you love me?? Can we talk about this??"

Me: "I want to spare you as much heartache as I can, talking will not fix this. I'
m
so
sorry."

Her: "Please think about this! We are getting married soon! We have our entire lives ahead of us!!!!"

 

She continued begging. The only sadness I felt at the time was guilt. I felt like a monster. I knew the only way to end this that wouldn't drag on was to be the monster I felt like.

 

Me: "I am sorry. I don't want to say this to you - but when I go to bed at night it's someone else I'
m
thinking of. I love someone else. I do not love you anymore. We will never be married, but one day you will meet someone that can return your affection. Hate me if you must, but accept that this is the circumstance."

 

*click* She hung up on me.

 

For me, it wasn't about finding someone better than her. She could have done everything right, made herself the shining example of perfection, but I had changed. I never asked to be different, but it was the hand I was dealt. She rushed over to my house and gave me a notebook - a journal containing daily notes about how much she loved me and the adventures we had gone on for the past year. She intended to give it to me as a wedding present. I never opened that journal, as I only felt pity and guilt for her at this point. I knew the grass wasn't greener where I was heading, but it was different. Different is what my heart called for.

 

I never did consider going back to her in a relationship after that day. She could have found someone a thousand times better than me 5 minutes after that phone call and I wouldn't have been the least bit jealous - I would have been relieved. Last I had heard, she's been married to a guy that cares deeply for her and has a couple of wonderful kids. Any time I've thought back on those days, I'm happy that she found someone that could love her the way I couldn't. I wish I could have been there for her as the loving husband she deserved, but I knew I could never fulfill that role. I know even now she hates me, and could never understand what had happened to the guy she loved all those years ago. To be honest? Even I don't understand what happened.

 

 

I hope this tale of two breakups can give you some insight. She suffered from the grass being greener, and I suffered from change that I did not ask for. In the end, we may never know where our hearts will lead us. Be happy that we had found love, and excited that we shared it with someone who helped it flourish. You can never change the hearts of others, as much as the internet would lead you to believe.

 

My experience all of those years ago is the catalyst to why I can't be upset with my current lost love. I've been there before - and I know what it's like to walk in her shoes. I love her unconditionally, and sometimes as painful as it is, love calls you to let go.

 

My ex did something similar. All this "change" wanting something "different". It's all under the same category of grass is greener. It sounds like you are just using different words to state you wanted something new and exciting...aka GIGS. I'm trying to empathize.. but it just looks like your looking back trying to rationalize your actions.

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KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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I just went and opened a can of worms here, didn't I.

blue_jay_bird Established Member

blue_jay_bird

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I just went and opened a can of worms here, didn't I.

 

No you didn't. I didn't read anything you posted. It just seems like alot of ppl can see this "constructive illusion."

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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No you didn't. I didn't read anything you posted. It just seems like alot of ppl can see this "constructive illusion."

 

Page 1, Post 5 bud. ;)

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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You havent said anything that I havent been saying to him for the past week or so...

 

Could you imagine dating/being in a relationship with someone like this?

 

Sad thing is a lot of people are/do and think its heaven and the best love in the world

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
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You havent said anything that I havent been saying to him for the past week or so...

 

Could you imagine dating/being in a relationship with someone like this?

 

Sad thing is a lot of people are/do and think its heaven and the best love in the world

 

Sorry, I don't follow your posts. I was basically referring to this thread.

 

And honestly, I couldn't imagine dating someone like this because I truly don't have a grasp as to what kind of person he is. I don't understand him. Posts shift from one end of the spectrum to the other.

  • 2 weeks later...
cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

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I say more power to you dreamstate. If you dont feel s-t looking at a picture of her ...great!

 

If your feelings really changed in that early relationship from 1 second to the next. So what. That happens and sometimes there is no explaining it. You were young and it is what it is.

 

There is no reason nor explanation and don't listen to criticism here. Be yourself. I dont think you are going to pay for not feeling your emotions down the road. Im sure you have felt them. You in fact you are probably just more grounded than some of the people here. If not, and it is a front that helps you heal ...great! I say go ahead and lie to ones self as much as possible about how great we are doing until it is reality. We all know deep down the hurt and are just doing our best to recover.

 

There are a lot of people that move on with out months or years of heart break. Look at our EXs. There is no karma. They might be great in their rebound relationship and find true love forever. Who the f-k am i to judge. It isn't like you haven't cried or suffered. I dont think you are stuffing your emotions.

 

Maybe you are putting rosy glow on your posts. But so what. Ive enjoyed them. Rock on!

Edited by cavalier99
Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

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Most likely being one of the "older" posters here I guess I have different views on the GIGS theory. It isn't that people look for better...maybe some do. Late teens thru 20's people are still so young. Everyone is still growing and striving for things they want in life, trying to find their way, find a career, finishing educations etc. It really is a growing period. And many people grow apart. People are changing. They are becoming adults. Who you are at 20 will be different at 25 as well as 30. Unless you are VERY mature and stable and come from a very strong family background I don't see many of these unions lasting long term. I know if I would have married my HS boyfriend, or early 20's BF for example it never would have worked. I would have been miserable.

 

Jump to 30's. You have more experience with relationships. More experience with life in general, you may have experienced deaths in your family and or crises or traumas such as heartbreaks, illness or job loss which shape you even further. You are becoming stable in your life and basically what your life will be like. And again, I think your past experiences and family background dictate why some people are more stable then others at this time, and or why they mature at different ages.

 

By the time your 40, you got a pretty good idea of who you are. What you are looking for, what you can tolerate, what you can't. Things for the most part are stable with you at this point...or at least they should be or you got real issues and have a pretty good idea of what your demons are.

 

50's- dont know about that yet! But I know people are STILL changing as they cope with aging issues etc. So basically change within a person is constant. As change is always constant. And finding someone to weather these changes within yourself... as well as being ready to weather theirs....wow. Deep stuff.

 

Dreamstate-I dont know your age but it seems like your a young man growing up. Doing what young men do. Finding your way and looking for love and what your ideal of stability with a mate in life will be. You seem to think a lot about it which is admirable. Not to many people do. They just flounder.

 

Once I was told a story about oak trees/relationships that always stuck with me, I will share it now.... who knows if its helpful.

 

2 oak trees planted too close together will never grow properly. One will lack sun, and both of their roots and branches will become too tangled for them to survive in such close proximity and prosper. However, if 2 oak trees are planted a distance apart and have room to grow they will flourish into the 2 individual trees that they were meant to be, and it is then that they can co-exist into what will be a beautiful landscape.

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dreamstate83 Established Member

dreamstate83

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Oh wow what are the odds that I see this post being commented on after this time XD

 

I'm 29, to answer the above poster. I've been told on more than one occasion that I have an "old soul" in the way that I approach life. And as far as credibility goes I'm still past everything and haven't had any relapses. Guess the bitter posters here were wrong about me :p

esteem-jam Established Member

esteem-jam

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@Hopeful714 - in another words: the strongest trees grow alone.

But then we have a counter-proverb: one man is not a nation (brother builds a clan (a verse from one song))

or another proverb, russian: one man in a field is not a figher.

So go figure, among these proverbs...

Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

Posted
Posted

Hmmm...gotta think about that one.

 

I guess I always thought of it as having space to grow to reach your full potential as well as having your partner planted firmly next to you reaching theirs as well.

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